Dave's Movie Buzz - April 03

This is Dave, not Neol.

Chris Evans is Captane America: Actor Chris Evans will be acting as the famous super soldjer, 'Captane America'. Back in the 90's England had a super soldier called 'Majer Briton' who went rogue, so they had an elite group of soldiers track him down. They caught up with him in the Newbury Harvester restraunt, where he was hassling some girls, so the team leader laid him out with one punch. SMACK! The team then got off with the girls.

--Dave's Movie Fact--: Before he became and actor Chris Evans used to present TFI Friday on Chanel 4, and is not to be confuzed with the Radio 2 DJ of the same name.

Tom Hanks Environmental Protest: Tom Hanks yesterday set fire to a pile of 3000 rubber tyres as a protest about the environment. "Everyday people drive their cars and wheelspin and stuff" he said "and it's bad for the environment, like I'm showing here. Dont do it anymore." Hanks reckons it's alright if he does it, but other people shouldn't because of the environment. "I burn rubber so you dont have to" he said.

James Cameron sucked into computer: Like in Tron, James Cameron got digitized by a laser and now lives in the 3D world he created for Avatar. "I don't like it in here. I want to come home." He said yesterday via my MSN account. Apparantly he's in that caravan bit they carried with that helicopter, up into the mountains, but he's no got anyone to talk to because those blue aliens don't speak English.

Eastenders Movie in Production: Fans of British Sope Opra Eastenders will be pleased to hear that its being made into a movie, being directed by Sam Mendez. "The story is how Stacy has a falling out with her sister and how the Queen Vic gets closed down." He said. "It should tie up a lot of loose ends."

Thats all from me this week. There might not be a movie buzz next week as Im buying a new car. Also Neol wanted me to say that he definitly is NOT dead.

Dave's Movie Buzz

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I know people in the industry. Not actors or ponces like that but mafia guys who aren't afraid to silence peeple who mess with them.

Jet Lee Bruce Lees Son: They did some DNA tests and stuff on Jet Lee and it turns out hes Bruce Lees son, which is why they reckon he so good at karate. When they told him he said something like "It is great honowr to be son of Bruce lee". Hes also vowed to avenge his dads death.

Sting Beaten up in Pub: Sting was getting all gobby in the Bricklayers Arms pub in Aylesbury and tryin it on with these girls who werent interested. So this bloke says "leave it Sting, if you know whats good for you" and Sting said "bodyguards, get him!" So this bloke who was ex-special forces beat up three bodyguards and then knocked Sting out with one punch. Pow! When Sting woke up he started blubbing and legged it. The girls where really thankful to the guy, whois name I can't mention. Obviously Sting will deny any of this happened.

Hollywood to Make Michael Jackson Biopic: They reckon the buget will be about 300 million and Jackson will be played by 3 actors. Will Smith's son, Will Smith and then Eric Bana. Apparently, the story will be about his life and how he went mental.

Zulu Remake Starring Jamie Fox: The remake will be about how a squad of African American soldiers who make up a special forces unit got parachuted into Kenya to stop a rogue British Army Commander from blowing up a peaceful town of Zulus. Jamie Fox stars as Captain Jackson Shaft, as wisecracking but respected officer who has to deal with racism and also killing loads of people. Its being produced by Mel Gibson.

Thats it for this weeks movie buzz. If anyones got any idea for what I could right about next week let me know as I'm runing out of ideas.

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Dave has sent this weeks 'movie buzz' to me via text, so I'm having to guess at what some of it is supposed to mean, partly because he never switches off his predictive text. Dave was originally going to be the lead racing driver for the 'Arrows' team, but since he has to give 6 weeks notice at the bus station they gave the job to Damon Hill instead. All information here is genuine because it came from the mouths of criminals.

Dave's Movie Buzz.

Jason Stepney making Train Spotter 4: I'm pretty sure there's no film-star called 'Jason Stepney', but I'm not about to question anything Dave tells me. Neither am I familiar with the 'Train Spotter' film series, but if they're making number 4 then it must be very popular with train fans.

Corrie Actors Dead: The whole cast of 'Coronation Street' died from a drug overdose. Doesn't surprise me. Actors are always getting drunk and taking drugs. Besides, 'Coronation Street' is rubbish.

Linday Lohan kills tramp: I'm assuming this is what Dave meant. It wasn't very clear in his text, but I suppose it's plausible. Many film stars are so rich and powerful that they can pretty much do what they want. Dave once told me that Paul McCartney was going to pay him £20,000 if he'd let his late wife chase him through the streets of Bedford, armed with a sniper rifle. Kind of like an urban fox hunt, but with a man as the quarry. However, when MCartney found out that Dave was ex-special forces he reneged on the deal. He was worried that the hunted might become the hunter.

Tom Crude lank tub 4U in move knife + dank U twit Alan Monday: I've no idea what this was about so I just posted exactly what Dave's text said.

Hopefully there'll be some more of Dave's Movie Buzz next week, providing Dave doesn't get really drunk again and start wanting to play cowboys.

Back with a vengeance

I don't know what the hell that 'Project Drunk' stuff is about. I'm pretty sure none of that actually happened. I think someone might have hacked the account, so I've changed the password, just to be sure.

We were supposed to be going to the Windmill Cinema this Saturday to watch 'Precious' because Dave is a big 'Lord of the Rings' fan and said it was a prequel about Gollum, but I felt like a really fat person sat on my brain. So instead we stayed in and played Super Smash brothers on Dave's Wii until Luigi started to make me really angry. Then Dave's mum came to pick him up so we didn't have time to review any films, and Dave 'couldn't be arsed' to write a 'Movie Buzz'.

"Hmm... No DVD player, banned from Blackbusters and his friend failed to deliver up-to-the-minute movie news. Well I guess that's the end of 'NeonSamurai's Movie Review Blog."

WRONG

Any other, less committed movie reviewer, who still lived with her parents and couldn't have got absolutely wasted on Friday night because they don't server children Bacardi Breezers would probably have given up by now. You know, start crying and generally freaking out as children so often do. But I'm not Emily Stephenson so I managed turn a defeat into a victory. Check this out:


How much do you think that cost me? £50? £100? £500? Wrong, wrong and double wrong. It cost me NOTHING.

I've got some contacts at the Recycling Centre who always wave and laugh and generally muck about with me. They've even got a nick-name for me. "Oi! Oi! It's Stig!" they shout and I make car noises and pretend to drive around (like them I'm a massive 'Top Gear' fan). We've been friends ever since I fell into the cardboard recycling skip and got my arm stuck in the bottle bank. One of the in-jokes we share is that one of them has to follow me around the site in case I try to climb in the compactor again (which was part of a joke I was doing about Superman), and this week it was Roger. He always wants to know what I've been up to and no matter what I say he thinks it's really funny, especially what I got up to on Saturday night.

Anyway, one thing lead to another and I told Roger that my DVD player was broken and Roger gave me a little wink and said "Stig, I reckon we can sort something out for you." Five minutes later Roger had presented me this RCA DVD player for me for FREE. No-one's ever given me anything before.

"Oh but Neon, how will you manage to obtain DVD's without a Blackbuster account?" Is what a thick person reading my blog would ask.

Well I guess you're so thick you've never heard of Scope before. Basically they're where people used to get second hand tat before the invention of eBay. But they also stock an extensive range of DVD's and videos. For less than £5 I got ' A Fish Called Wanda', 'Weapons of the Gulf War' and 'Tim Lovejoy's Football Heroes', all on DVD (reviews pending) and I don't have to take them back in a few days. They're mine to keep forever. Better watch out Blackbusters, looks like your days are numbered.

And as for movie buzz, well Dave text'd me some movie facts which I'll post later.

THAT'S RIGHT WE'RE BACK!

Dave's Movie Buzz

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Alrite? I know the mob and the mob controls Hollywood. This is what they say's happening in movies this week.

Suzanne Sarandon has too much sex. Suzanne Sarandon had sex with nine different men in one day and then went on a sex rampage though LA showting “SEX! SEX! I WANT SEX!” The city grownd to a halt and it wasn't until a copper used teer gas on her that Sarandon could be stopped. They reckon she did 10 million pownds worth of damage.

Nobody goes to Sting's party. Sting hired out The Lownge nightclub in Aylesbury for a big party for all of his showbiz mates, but none of them turned up, so he just gave away all this beer and champagne. I got a couple of crates of Dom Perynon 'cos I know a bouncer there and he owed me a favour.

Lost TV series turns out to be a computer game. That bloke who made Lost let slip the other day that it's basically a computer game like World of Warcraft and all of the peopul in it are the players. Apparantly he'd had a few and then started hasling these girls and then this bloke clocked him one. Knocked him right out. Then the girls snogged the bloke that hit him.

Man sells Star Wars figure for 5 thowsand pownds. I used to have this Star Wars figure called Darth Avenger, who was like the guy who trained Darth Vada and is the hardest guy in the universe. Jorge Lucaz wrote him out of the films but they made a prototipe toy which I sold for 5 grand, because I owed the mafia money.

Thats it for this week, and don't forget if someone reckons it aint true they'd better watch it because the mafia told me and they don't like being told their liars.

Dave's Movie Buzz - February 28

This is a new regular feature a bit like the one they do on IMDB, only better because my friend Dave has contacts with the mafia and they tell him all sorts of things that happen in Hollywood, which other less professional movie blogs are too scared to publish. But not here at neonsamurai.kicks-ass.net.

Dave was in a special forces unit called Team Extreme which is a bit like the SAS, only the soldiers in it are much harder. His call-sign was 'Cassanova' because he was the guy who got all the ladies, but he was highly respected by his team, even though he broke the rules and didn't listen to authority.

Dave’s Movie Buzz - Feb 28 2010

All money Hollywood makes is larndered by the Mafia. I’ve got conections with organized crime so I know what’s going down in the movie business.

Angelina Jolie adopts orangutang. Jolie adopts loads of kids from all over the world so shes now adopted an orangutang as a baby. Shes called it Monkey Jolie and it has its own room, car and butler. She reckons he’s gonna be a spokesman for the rainforest.

Harrison Ford is revealed as a woman. After loads of years pretending to be a man a bloke I know said that Harrison Ford is actually a woman. Aparantly, Ford went for the ordition for princess Leer in Star Wars but Steven Speelburg said he looked like a man, so he just decided to pretend becaurse she needed the money. He’s married to that bloke who played Chewbecka.

Jet Lee got beaten up by a man at my pub. Jet Li was getting all gobby round the back of Hale Leys with a group of girls, probably because he rekons he’s like ninja master. So this bloke clocked him one. Smacked him right up! Li didn’t know what hit him and legged it down towards McDonalds. So the girls were all over this bloke. So who was he? I can’t tell you ‘cos the cops will try to nick him.

Winona Ryder goes mental. Winona Ryder went mental in some posh shop in America and started screaming and flippin out like she was on fire or somthing. Ryder then starts throwing ass these really expensive shoes at the staff and put one woman in a coma. This blokes sister in law saw it and she was so freaked out by it she needed a sit down. You won’t see it in the news ‘cos Hollywood hushed it all up.

Choon in for more movie buz next week and if I can be arsed I write some more stuff.