Cloverfield Review

"Quick! Let's do everything that 'tard Rob says."

Scope delivers, again. £3.50 and I can keep the film forever. Blockbusters don't do that do they? Today I'm reviewing 'Cloverfield', but I almost got the film 'Doom', although I've got the game and sort of know the storyline. They also have clothes and books and other tat in there. I can buy a DVD, a blanket, a candlestick holder and maybe some ladies underwear, all in the same shop.

Neonsamurai's 'Cloverfield' Review

What's the first thing you think of when I say 'Cloverfield'? It's butter isn't it? Those dancing and singing cows, which for me is a bad start. I am a simple man who enjoys simple pleasures, and one of those is knowing what sort of film I'm watching based on the title. Imagine my displeasure when I watched the debacle that is the Ang Lee celluloid accident 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'. Hmmm... What could that film be about? Well judging by the title, a tiger and a dragon. Well as a big fan of dragons I chose to watch this film, and became enraged when I found there to be ZERO dragons within it. Oh there was a sword called 'dragon'. Oh yes, that makes it all right if there's a sharpened lump of steel called dragon in it. Oh no you can't have your money back. Well Odeon cinemas, that decision cost you a customer. Eventually. After I took that deformed woman to watch 'Silence of the Lambs'.

Let's say you were in a video shop and the world was about to end and you only had enough time to watch a film before the sun exploded or something, so you didn't have a large enough window of opportunity to actually read all that stuff on the back of the DVD about who is in it, or what it's about and you could only choose it on the basis of the movie title? Well, you'd be screwed if it was an Ang Lee film because it'd probably be called something like 'Strike Force Battle Robots', and you get home and put it in your DVD and start watching only to find out half an hour in that 'Strike Force Battle Robots' was the name of a chip shop, and you were watching a drama about infidelity or something boring. Wouldn't that piss you off? It makes me REALLY angry and I'm only thinking about it. If it happened for real I'd go absolutely crazy.

That's right Lee. You'd better hope that the sun explodes or you're a DEAD MAN.

There's this guy called Rob and he's going to work in Japan so his friends throw this surprise party for him but mid-way through the party a monster attacks New York. So they cancel the party and everyone goes home. At least I presume they do. It's not actually shown in the film, probably because it's some of the worst camera handling I've ever seen. Half the time you can't really tell what's going on. Now I'm not a film maker, I'm a film reviewer, although some of the movies I used to make using a camcorder were clearer than what you see in this effort. That's taking into account that I was often disturbed half-way through making a film and had to either fight off an angered husband or escape from a police canine-response squad. Yet I could easily make out what the women were or weren't wearing upon later viewing. They were part of a study I was doing into women's bodies. It's an ongoing study that I intend to continue in the near-future.

Anyway, this monster is attacking New York, the party has been cancelled and basically it's gone from being a fun night, to a really bad one, compounded by a frankly appalling cameraman. Rob and some others decide to go looking for this woman he went on a date with, rather than getting out of the city. I won't spoil the ending but basically Rob gets everyone killed, something he feels compelled to record on video for posterity. When is he ever going to watch that again? Oh, nothing on the telly. Hmm... Think I'll watch those appalling choices I made that resulted in everyone getting killed by a giant monster.

Dullard.

Does that strike anyone else as strange? If I hadn't had my camcorder seized for evidence, I'd only film myself doing cool things. I certainly wouldn't make sure that there was a video diary of my choices leading to everyone dying. If there was, I'd record over it, rather than leaving it for somebody to find and watch.

This, I'm afraid, forces me to give 'Cloverfield' zero Oscars. I'm going to take it back to Scope and demand a refund.

Gulf War

You know who women can't get enough of?

Hugh Grant.

Why's he so special? It's not like he's Steven Segal or Chuck Norris who can both seriously kick ass. It just seems to me that Grant doesn't bring that much to the table. Other than perhaps the fact that he's English, which women seem to love. I'm English and it doesn't work for me.

I'll bet if a woman came home and found Hugh Grant in her house she'd be over-the-moon, but in a similar situation involving myself they call the police. Why? I'm not sure exactly what the 'special something' that Grant seemingly has that I don't is, but evidently it's important enough that he doesn't have to spend 36 hours in police custody. Apart from that time with the prostitute of course.

I think that the main problem is that most women in the UK are mental. Not as mental as Abigail (who is back at the clinic and just weeping all the sodding time) but maybe 60% wrong-in-the-head. Imagine you're a woman and you're looking for a man, logically you'd choose the one who liked the same things that you did (your underwear, getting naked, watching people, movies, etc). Does Hugh Grant like any of those things? I'd imagine he probably doesn't and yet women persist in liking him. I see nothing special about him ergo: women are psychotic.

As if to underline this fact with a big, thick permanent marker there has to date only been 1 (non-valid) entry in the heavily publicised 'Win a Date with Neonsamurai' competition, which includes free food and maybe bus fare (depending on location).

WOMEN: ARE YOU MENTAL? PROVE YOU'RE NOT BY ENTERING MY COMPETITION FOR SEX

Neonsamurai's 'Weapons of the Gulf War' Review:

Using a currently untapped goldmine of successful and (mostly) unheard of films from popular high street eBay precursor Scope, I have obtained a film not about people, but weapons. Whilst this may sound 'cute' like 'Toy Story' it's certainly not, giving you hard facts about the hardware that was used in the first Gulf conflict. Also it's just the ones the Americans used.

Really, they just talk about guns, planes, bombs, tank and battleships. It's alright. Not much of a storyline, except how the Americans won.

No Oscars for this one either. It's too much like 'Tim Lovejoy's Football Heroes', except without Tim Lovejoy (who's very talented) which counts against it.

Back with a vengeance

I don't know what the hell that 'Project Drunk' stuff is about. I'm pretty sure none of that actually happened. I think someone might have hacked the account, so I've changed the password, just to be sure.

We were supposed to be going to the Windmill Cinema this Saturday to watch 'Precious' because Dave is a big 'Lord of the Rings' fan and said it was a prequel about Gollum, but I felt like a really fat person sat on my brain. So instead we stayed in and played Super Smash brothers on Dave's Wii until Luigi started to make me really angry. Then Dave's mum came to pick him up so we didn't have time to review any films, and Dave 'couldn't be arsed' to write a 'Movie Buzz'.

"Hmm... No DVD player, banned from Blackbusters and his friend failed to deliver up-to-the-minute movie news. Well I guess that's the end of 'NeonSamurai's Movie Review Blog."

WRONG

Any other, less committed movie reviewer, who still lived with her parents and couldn't have got absolutely wasted on Friday night because they don't server children Bacardi Breezers would probably have given up by now. You know, start crying and generally freaking out as children so often do. But I'm not Emily Stephenson so I managed turn a defeat into a victory. Check this out:


How much do you think that cost me? £50? £100? £500? Wrong, wrong and double wrong. It cost me NOTHING.

I've got some contacts at the Recycling Centre who always wave and laugh and generally muck about with me. They've even got a nick-name for me. "Oi! Oi! It's Stig!" they shout and I make car noises and pretend to drive around (like them I'm a massive 'Top Gear' fan). We've been friends ever since I fell into the cardboard recycling skip and got my arm stuck in the bottle bank. One of the in-jokes we share is that one of them has to follow me around the site in case I try to climb in the compactor again (which was part of a joke I was doing about Superman), and this week it was Roger. He always wants to know what I've been up to and no matter what I say he thinks it's really funny, especially what I got up to on Saturday night.

Anyway, one thing lead to another and I told Roger that my DVD player was broken and Roger gave me a little wink and said "Stig, I reckon we can sort something out for you." Five minutes later Roger had presented me this RCA DVD player for me for FREE. No-one's ever given me anything before.

"Oh but Neon, how will you manage to obtain DVD's without a Blackbuster account?" Is what a thick person reading my blog would ask.

Well I guess you're so thick you've never heard of Scope before. Basically they're where people used to get second hand tat before the invention of eBay. But they also stock an extensive range of DVD's and videos. For less than £5 I got ' A Fish Called Wanda', 'Weapons of the Gulf War' and 'Tim Lovejoy's Football Heroes', all on DVD (reviews pending) and I don't have to take them back in a few days. They're mine to keep forever. Better watch out Blackbusters, looks like your days are numbered.

And as for movie buzz, well Dave text'd me some movie facts which I'll post later.

THAT'S RIGHT WE'RE BACK!