Neonsamurai Kicks Ass: FACT!

I am still in hiding.

No sign of Burian (or Rufus) since the 'incident', which we've all agreed was not my fault. If he wants to press charges then he's going to look pretty stupid taking a koala to court. And let's be honest, it wouldn't get that far when the judge realised that Rufus was actually a small, aggressive marsupial and couldn't give evidence. Although I don't think that matters in Pakistan, where people marry goats.

Needless to say I've been having to find things to keep me occupied during my time in hiding. Firstly I tried calling Thames Valley Police, as I'm on their witness protection scheme, but they denied all knowledge of this. In fact they went as far as to say that they don't actually have a 'witness protection scheme', which meant I was either speaking to an idiot, or it's actually so top secret that they deny it exists, which I think is probably the latter. Although in all fairness, even Littlehampton Police deny the existence of it too. Very professional.

As I've not been able to return 'Cloverfield' to Scope, and get a decent film out (probably 'Doom'), and my research into women isn't possible unless they walk past my flat, I've been watching day time television. Now most of it is rubbish, but some of the shows are good. One of the best is Jeremy Kyle.

Basically 'The Jeremy Kyle Show' works by getting a bunch of morons on the show, getting them to argue and then having Jeremy tell them they're all dullards. For my money, it's a formula that works as there are loads of complete retards out there who are always opening their stupid gobs and coming up with all sorts of ill-considered opinions. Oh look. Here's some of their emails (to me):

"The point of Avatar was that we shouldn't impose on other races for profit, and that corporate greed is destroying the environment and indigenous societies, not that people in wheelchairs can't be trusted. You are honestly the most-untalented, self-opinionated hack I've ever read. No wonder nobody will give you a job reviewing films, you don't even know what they're about."

-squaaaaal1988

"are you for real!!?!??!?!! noone could be as dumb as you are!!!!! i feel sorry for youre koala. if i knew where you lived i would tell the cops that you mistreat that animal and you should be arrested. never dress him up in human clothes and feed him drugs. you are a FREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

-JoZo-lol-

"I'm not going to warn you again. Sonja Wade has told me where you live and if you write one more thing about Emily I'm coming over to give you a bloody good thumping!"

-Alan.Stephenson

Crazy huh? Jeremy Kyle would have them for breakfast. He'd be like "Avatar was about the incompetence of the disabled: FACT" or "a koala could pull your face of you idiot" or "where I come from that's a threat!" If they were on his show it'd almost be embarrassing to watch as he pointed out their sub-normal intellects.

For these reasons I support Jeremy Kyle. He's insulting thicko's because he cares.

So it continues

Well it's day two of my blog and it's still going strong. I've decided that I'm going to post a film review everyday without fail, so logically by this time next year I should have 365 movies reviewed. I'm not sure how many film reviews there are on IMDB, but there can't be much more than that, so people will soon be flocking here to work out which movies they need to watch. Incidentally, you can read some of my previous film reviews on IMDB here.

NeonSamurai's 'District 9' Review:

If aliens had control of a giant spaceship why come to earth? That's what you're thinking isn't it? Congratulations, YOU'RE A RACIST. At least that's what the lady at the job centre said to me when I asked why Danny Boyle decided to make a film about the Indian version of 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' rather than the British one. Her name's Hermione Crawford and she keeps asking me which jobs I've applied for. Every week I tell her that I'm trying to either review films, make films or (if all else fails) destroy films, and seeing as certain film magazines have stopped responding to my letters there's not a lot I can do. She also claims that you can't can't have a career that involves 'destroying films'. Oh really Hermione? Well I guess we'll have to disagree about that.

That's not all we disagree on though. Pretty much everything I do is in some way 'wrong' or 'abhorrent' according to Hermione, who has her hair in dreadlocks even though she's clearly too old to be in a band or too white to have come from Jamaica. Like when I point out flaws in films, such as Thelma and Louise. She went berserk and started ranting about the patriarchy, even though that's got nothing to do with the film. When I said I'd been to seen 'District 9' she rolled her eyes and asked if I understood the films message. Duh? I'm not a retard Hermione.

Basically it's about people persecuting people because they're different. She sort of relaxed when I told her that and snorted and said “yeah. Good.” I then explained that the hero is different and nobody likes him 'cos he's sort of weedy and has funny facial hair. His father in law doesn't like him, nor the soldiers and certainly not the horrid aliens who live in a filthy slum. That was it. She went mental. She forgot about asking me about which employers hadn't written back to me and started calling me a bigot, which, when you think about it sort of makes her a bigger bigot.

You see 'District 9' is about a man who ends up not only against society but also aliens as well. Something I can really identify with, since I was so persecuted by my home town Aylesbury I had to leave. Well actually it was Thames Valley Police who said I had to leave, as I was being put on a witness protection scheme. I don't recall ever witnessing a crime, or even giving evidence about one, but I agreed because the local superintendent came around my mum's house and practically begged me to go on it. “Please,” he said “please just leave Aylesbury. I'll do anything. I'll give you money. Here, here's forty two quid.” He seemed quite adamant that I should go and when I agreed he started crying and said “promise you won't come back.” Just to keep him happy I did, but I'm not sure if that verbal contract still stands as a couple of weeks later he got fired for wasting police resources. But at least the guy who's there at the moment seems more competent. He's been congratulated since the number of indecent exposures and koala attacks have dropped to virtually nil.

Although in Littlehampton they've actually gone up. This is worrying for me as I'm now a Littlehampton resident, although I've got a different name due to being on a witness protection scheme. They wouldn't let me choose my own even though I drew up a list of about thirty really good ones, one of which was Jesse McSchwang.

So I'd give 'District 9' a pretty high mark of 16. It's a human interest story about a man fighting aliens and evil soldiers who frankly deserve to get shot.