Neonsamurai: The New Direction

Guess what? Hermione is on 'extended leave' at the moment, pending a possible criminal conviction. Who'd have thought she was the criminal type? Yes, she's grade A nut job, but a criminal? That's not really her style. I might pop around her house and see if there's anything I can do to help.

So instead of my usual battle of minds with Hermione, I get to speak to Charlie. I like Charlie. He's retired once before, and apparently got bored and got a job at the job centre. Although he says it's because he hates his wife. To be honest, Charlie hates a lot of things, particularly children because 'they ruin your life and always side with that bitch'. He also hates 'bloody spongers' but not as much as he hates talking to them, so normally when he speaks to me he just says the bits that I'm supposed to say for me just to speed things up.

Charlie (normal voice): "Have you been applying for work?"

Charlie (high voice): "Yes I have. I've applied for loads of jobs, although I'm too lazy to actually provide proof. Please can I have some free money?"

Hahaha! Charlie cracks me up. It's like he's doing a stand up routine. I told him he should be a comedian, and he said I should get a bloody job, which is cool, because that's what I intend to do. However, having said this the only jobs that are available are shelf stacking, farm work and verge cleaning. When I asked him about any high paying jobs Charlie said "No. Nothing. Except this very highly paid job to be a millionaire playboy living in Monaco and having the life of bloody Riley." But it turned out that job didn't actually exist, and Charlie was being funny again (I'll bet it's never dull at the Job Centre when you work with him, much like Whoopee Goldberg).

But, like what often happens in a cop film when something unrelated happens, causing the cop to click his fingers and say something like "wait a minute... Pineapples are acidic..." I said "wait a minute... Stand up comedians earn a fortune...." To which Charlie said "Next!"

So I'm intending to become a stand up comedian like Frankie Boyle, or Russell Brand who earn an absolute fortune. As I often say, if you can review a film then you can do anything.

Love Hurts

Sorry for the lack of updates recently but apparently you can't use mobile phones in hospital. Why's that? Well it allegedly messes up hospital equipment. Who the hell designs equipment that can be 'messed up' by a mobile phone? I would have thought you'd have to go out of your way to make something that bad.

Scientist: "Well here's my new blood-pressure monitor. It works really well and is 100% accurate. But there's one little thing that might... No. That's not important."

Doctor: "This certainly looks like just the sort of thing we need in this hospital. But before I hand over this cheque for forty thousand pounds, what were you going to say?"

Scientist: "Only that if you use a mobile phone within 500 yards of it it kills the patient. With poison."

Doctor: "Good lord! How could it do that?"

Scientist: "If it detects mobile phone usage is shoots 40cc's of crayfish venom into the patients arm which paralyzes their heart. BOOM! They're dead before they even know it."

Doctor: "Why on earth did you design it to do that?"

Scientist: "I dunno. I got a bit bored."

Doctor: "Oh well. We'll buy it anyway. Here's your cheque."

That's insane isn't it? But why am I in hospital anyway? Could it be that I'm having an operation or something? No. I'm in hospital because apparently I'm a sexist. Ooh. Let's all call NeonSamurai a sexist because he wasn't invited to our meeting, to which men weren't invited because we're sexist.

Now I know that Hermione has got some well-paying jobs she keeps back for emergencies at the job centre, so I decided to try and get on her good side by turning up at this conference thing she'd organised and offering my support. Yes, I know that to a person with a normal brain that that's a really nice thing to do, and at the very least somebody who did something so selfless should at least be allowed some tea and biscuits (like all the other guests were allowed). But, no that's not the case, and then things get violent.

So the Saturday before last I hop on the bus all the way to sodding Chichester, which is a town that is of so little consequence that it should be bombed by the RAF. Only they wouldn't go there because it's of no consequence. I then head over to the community centre to take part in the 'Oppressed Women of the South of England and the Isle of Wight' meeting. Yeah, I know I'm not a woman, but as regular readers will be aware I am a very open-minded person and have a lot of respect for women.

But this mental tart at the front door won't let me in because I'm an oppressor. Me? An oppressor? I've never oppressed anyone in my life. Even the time I made my own dungeon room and brought all that rohypnol I didn't oppress anyone. Except that Avon lady who called for my mum, but that was only for a morning. Then Rufus ate all the rohypnol and then went on a very slow motion rampage through the house. That's when the Avon lady got loose. Christ. Those Avon women are nutjobs. If I ever have one call at my door again I'll make sure she doesn't get her hands on a frying pan. I had bruising for a month.

So I say to this woman on the door "if you hate oppressors (men) so much why do you look like one?" Which was a particularly clever thing for me to say as she did look just like a man, complete with a dodgy haircut, which was sort of half mullet, half flat-top. But instead of saying "touche" and letting me in this gaggle of crazy women gathers at the door and starts telling me to get lost or they'll call the police. Then Hermione shows up and goes ballistic.

Cut a long story short: I'm not allowed into this meeting. Well, they didn't reckon on me being in love, and as happens in rom coms people in love do crazy things, especially if they need a well paying job to fly their Russian lover into the country. So I decided to simply climb in through the window and surprise them all with an impassioned speech about love and how at the end of the day, we're all the same. Especially that woman who looks like a man. Good plan, except the toilet window I climbed through had a woman on the other side (the one time I didn't want there to be). And to make matters worse she was French, and had ZERO sense of humour. And she also had some (illegal) mace spray. If a man falls on you whilst you're on the toilet, is that really a good enough reason to use a whole can of mace in his eyes? In France, it is.

So this crazy woman is yelling "Viol! Viol!" and I can't see a thing, but luckily I manage to get out of the toilet PDQ and head for what I think is the main hall. I'm guessing it was during this disorientating time that my trousers somehow came off, which is the sort of thing that could happen to anyone. Then I realise I've reached the hall when I hear the screams. And they're not screams of joy. So it's time to start my impassioned speech and I start shouting "I'M GONNA SHOW YOU MY LOVE!", just before the first chair hit me. Luckily it was just one of those plastic stackable chairs, which didn't really hurt. But the fire extinguisher did and that's what the doctors think caused my concussion.

Next thing I know I'm in an ambulance with a police escort. Luckily Dr Chen was at the hospital when I arrived and straightened everything out.

I'm not sure what's going to happen when i go to the Job Centre tomorrow.

CV

If any of you are looking to employ someone on a big salary (say £100K+, although I am willing to negotiate if the benefits are good), then please have a look at my CV. Alternatively please print out a few copies and distribute them around your local businesses. I forgot to mention that I'm an 'ideas man' so if you're looking for some good ideas for your company, then I'm your man.


I also got a phone call from Hermione's 'life partner' Baakir last night. To be honest I thought he was going to kick off as well but he started off in a really polite manner. He said he was very sorry about Hermione, but she's been under a lot of stress as she's been organising a meeting for the 'Oppressed Women of the South of England and the Isle of White' and my comments the other day just set her off. He also said she's not normally a violent person and is really kind and caring, so he hopes that I won't feel the need to press charges as they can't afford her to be off work at the moment as he stays at home to raise their children.

As most of you are aware I'm not a petty man, so I of course said that it was water under the bridge (I got more injured the first time I tried proposing). Also as a peace offering I said I'd love to come along and give support at the meeting Hermione's been arranging. Baakir sort of mumbled that he didn't think that would be a good idea, and I could hear Hermione in the background yelling at him, so I guess that she does want me to go.

Either way I'll surprise her. Me turning up out of the blue is bound to make her look at me in an entirely different light and hopefully get me a great job.

Financial Problems

Why is it that Nelson Mandela sets off bombs left, right and centre all over South Africa then a few years later ends up being preseident, but I fake my own death ONCE and try to claim benefits and I can't get a loan? And there were a few other things as well, mostly involving the police.

When I asked my bank manager this exact same question (obviously omitting the police stuff) he just looked blankly at me and pretended to be confused. What's that Richard Morely (of Lloyds TSB. 17 The High Street, Littlehampton)? Can't argue with the truth? I guess if The Special A.K.A. had written a song about my unfair treatment at the hands of Thames Valley Police (chiefly their canine unit) then I might now have twenty thousand pounds that I could use to buy my beautiful fiance Natalia Tarasov a plane ticket to the UK (plane tickets are much more expensive in Russia). It seems that yet again society attempts to step in and prevent me from being with the woman I love.

Well not this time. I'm not about to roll over and let true love get away, so I'm going to sacrifice my own happiness to be with Natalia. I'm going to get a job.

You'd think that the Job Centre would actually be happy about this, after all it's their job to give people jobs. It's like a grocer would be happy if vegetarians came in his shop and wanted to buy vegetables, because that's what he sells. The vegetarians get to make their god-awful food and the grocer gets money to buy a car of something. Everyone's happy. But is Hermione pleased to hear that I'm looking for a job? Is she hell. All she wanted to talk about is how unqualified I am for practically everything, why she won't call Sir Alan Sugar for me, lowering my expectations and finally how I shouldn't be allowed near women, which was nothing to do with applying for jobs, just her personal opinion. Now let's break this down and analyse it:

1. Not qualified. Well correct me if I'm wrong, but David Cameron has never been a prime minister before, but they gave him a job doing it. Had Neil Armstrong been to the moon before? Erm... No! So I guess they weren't qualified were they? If we only gave jobs to people who weren't qualified then we'd be in a right old state wouldn't we?
2. Won't call Sir Alan Sugar. The man employs any old moron. I watched his show twice and none of the contestants seemed particularly good. Besides, I need money fast and he pays £100K a year, which'll mean I'll have the money to buy Natalia's ticket in less than 3 months (which she won't like. She hates being apart from me).
3. Lowering my expectations. Every film I've seen has told me the exact OPPOSITE of this. You need to shoot for the sky. Did the kids from 'Fame' want an ordinary, run of the mill job, or did they want to be superstars? If you haven't seen it, they wanted the later, so why should I accept a job beneath me?
4. Not allowed near women. Hermione's mental.

My job requirements are pretty simple: I need a well-paid job, requiring only a few hours work a week (preferably from home) and probably in some kind of managerial capacity, where I can help motivate my staff (preferably by phone). Now if Hermione was good at her job, she'd find me something like that, but apparently Hermione is even worse at her job as she is at spotting 'perverts' because all she could offer me was stacking shelves, farm work or cleaning the verges on the A27, none of which reach my minimum requirements.

Unless films have lied to me (I'M LOOKING AT YOU 'MRS DOUBTFIRE') when you're out of options and desperate for help an impassioned speech will often change the mind of the seemingly cold-hearted official. So I told Hermione of Natalia, of our chance encounter, shared interests, mutual love for one another, her obsession with shitting on the SAS and the cruel twist of fate that we are separated by a simple lack of money.

Now I thought Hermione might get a bit teary-eyed, then reach inside her draw and give me a job description for a games tester paying a couple of hundred grand a year. But instead she said with slow deliberation "You're trying to buy a woman?" and then lunged at me. Luckily the guards got to her in time, before she could do any real damage.

But when you're in Love this is what you have to expect.

Job Vacancy

Oh my god! Check this out: Jonathan Ross to Leave BBC.

The BBC's No 1 film reviewer isn't renewing his contract! He's leaving! I'm no
mathematician, but that means that they are one film reviewer short. Anyone
know any good film reviewers who are currently in need of work? Well I can
only think of one, and that's me!

From every possible angle I can think of, it makes 100% sense for the BBC to
employ me to fill the role: I'm unemployed, am a film reviewer, have watched
hundreds of films and am happy to watch more films. Sure, I've never actually
presented a show before, but I've given evidence in court, which is practically
same thing.

Dave's mum said I should definitely write to the BBC for a job, (but probably
not for this job though) and to get one of the people at the clinic to give me a
hand with the letter. Pffft! To be honest the people at the clinic mostly just tell
me my ideas are wrong or that 'maybe I should do something less violent', so
why should I get them to help me? I'll write it myself, that'll rub that exasperated
look of Hermione's stupid face. 

W.T.F?!?

What the HELL does the Littlehampton Echo think it's doing? Read this:



Under 12? UNDER 12? A film review competition only open to people too young to even buy pornography? What kind of dullard thought that up? And why didn't they mention it on the front of the paper, rather than halfway through the competition details? It took me a whole weekend to write that film review, and I could have spent that time doing something much more constructive, like helping my neighbours move house.

Not that they'd actually accept my help. Not since my 'hiding in the boot of Lorraine's car' prank caused so much fuss. Can nobody take a joke these days? Oh but I bet if I was under 12, it would have been funny. Everyone would have had a good laugh about it. Ha ha ha! Yes a 12 year old with a hockey mask jumping out of the car boot is soooo funny. Lorraine wouldn't even give me a lift home and I only live next door! I had to walk sodding miles as it was the middle of nowhere. Lorraine and Matt were a lot more friendly when they first moved in.

That's what I could have been doing Littlehampton Echo, I could have been helping people, rather than writing film reviews for your stupid newspaper. Well I hope you're happy with yourselves. Rest assured I shall never read your newspaper again, and I also encourage my readers to follow suit.

So it continues

Well it's day two of my blog and it's still going strong. I've decided that I'm going to post a film review everyday without fail, so logically by this time next year I should have 365 movies reviewed. I'm not sure how many film reviews there are on IMDB, but there can't be much more than that, so people will soon be flocking here to work out which movies they need to watch. Incidentally, you can read some of my previous film reviews on IMDB here.

NeonSamurai's 'District 9' Review:

If aliens had control of a giant spaceship why come to earth? That's what you're thinking isn't it? Congratulations, YOU'RE A RACIST. At least that's what the lady at the job centre said to me when I asked why Danny Boyle decided to make a film about the Indian version of 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' rather than the British one. Her name's Hermione Crawford and she keeps asking me which jobs I've applied for. Every week I tell her that I'm trying to either review films, make films or (if all else fails) destroy films, and seeing as certain film magazines have stopped responding to my letters there's not a lot I can do. She also claims that you can't can't have a career that involves 'destroying films'. Oh really Hermione? Well I guess we'll have to disagree about that.

That's not all we disagree on though. Pretty much everything I do is in some way 'wrong' or 'abhorrent' according to Hermione, who has her hair in dreadlocks even though she's clearly too old to be in a band or too white to have come from Jamaica. Like when I point out flaws in films, such as Thelma and Louise. She went berserk and started ranting about the patriarchy, even though that's got nothing to do with the film. When I said I'd been to seen 'District 9' she rolled her eyes and asked if I understood the films message. Duh? I'm not a retard Hermione.

Basically it's about people persecuting people because they're different. She sort of relaxed when I told her that and snorted and said “yeah. Good.” I then explained that the hero is different and nobody likes him 'cos he's sort of weedy and has funny facial hair. His father in law doesn't like him, nor the soldiers and certainly not the horrid aliens who live in a filthy slum. That was it. She went mental. She forgot about asking me about which employers hadn't written back to me and started calling me a bigot, which, when you think about it sort of makes her a bigger bigot.

You see 'District 9' is about a man who ends up not only against society but also aliens as well. Something I can really identify with, since I was so persecuted by my home town Aylesbury I had to leave. Well actually it was Thames Valley Police who said I had to leave, as I was being put on a witness protection scheme. I don't recall ever witnessing a crime, or even giving evidence about one, but I agreed because the local superintendent came around my mum's house and practically begged me to go on it. “Please,” he said “please just leave Aylesbury. I'll do anything. I'll give you money. Here, here's forty two quid.” He seemed quite adamant that I should go and when I agreed he started crying and said “promise you won't come back.” Just to keep him happy I did, but I'm not sure if that verbal contract still stands as a couple of weeks later he got fired for wasting police resources. But at least the guy who's there at the moment seems more competent. He's been congratulated since the number of indecent exposures and koala attacks have dropped to virtually nil.

Although in Littlehampton they've actually gone up. This is worrying for me as I'm now a Littlehampton resident, although I've got a different name due to being on a witness protection scheme. They wouldn't let me choose my own even though I drew up a list of about thirty really good ones, one of which was Jesse McSchwang.

So I'd give 'District 9' a pretty high mark of 16. It's a human interest story about a man fighting aliens and evil soldiers who frankly deserve to get shot.