Payback Time

Neonsamurai's 'Payback' review.

Normally I hire out a DVD or go to the cinema in order to review a film, but due to a few recent issues with a) my DVD player and b) not being allowed in Blackbusters any more I have had to resort to watching movies on TV. Most of the films on TV are rubbish, with no swearing, violence or sex, so you're probably wondering “why waste your time reviewing that?” Well as a professional reviewer you often have to watch rubbish films. Normally I don't bother though and just write succinct appraisals of each movie, making accurate assumptions about them based on their names or the trailers.

Luckily 'Payback' isn't like those other films, so I watched most of it. In the film Mel Gibson gets double-crossed by his wife and his best friend, who steals loads of money from him and then leave him for dead. I know what you're thinking; “left for dead? Well that's the film over then.” WRONG. Mel doesn't die he decides he's going to get his money back and get some revenge. So when I say revenge I mean violence and there's lots of that, but how about the sex? Well Mel joins forces with an up-market prostitute and goes up against a dominatrix.

How can you tell an up-market prostitute from a regular prostitute? Well Dave told me that high-class hookers shop in Waitrose. Apparently any woman in a fur coat with a short skirt shopping in there is on-the game. He knows a few East End gangsters so he's down with the way things are on the street. But whatever you do DON'T approach one of these hookers as they flip out or get offended really easily, more so that ordinary hookers, especially the ones over 50.

I've never had sex with a prostitute. Normally when I want to have sex the prostitutes tend to be off duty and behave in a aggressive manner. The police don't act that way do they? If a cop saw a robbery he'd get stuck in and try to fight them, or stop to help at an accident, but prozzies seem to pick and choose their hours of work, seemingly at random. Restaurants stay open at lunch time because (funnily enough) that's about the time people want to eat, but who knows when they want sex? Am I supposed to hold it in? Let's say I approach a prostitute; maybe she's dressed as a traffic warden or a member of Starbucks staff, who knows? Almost immediately they will become angry. They become angry? How do they think I feel? But being the reasoned man that I am I rise above the name calling and double the money I'm offering to ten pounds. That's when they tell me to get out of the shop or call for backup on their walkie talkie. Julia Roberts never did that in 'Pretty Woman'. Not that I'd sleep with Roberts. She's evil.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure that Mel Gibson does indeed get payback at the end of the film, because (quite frankly) he deserves it, but as it was on TV I couldn't pause it and fell asleep. So although I didn't see the ending I'd give Payback a rating of 15, making it quite a good film.