Guest Reviewer: Dave

Today I'm featuring a review by my friend Dave, because to be perfectly honest I'm still too angry at the whole Littlehampton Film Review competition debacle. Initially he didn't want to do it, because 'writing is for benders' but he agreed when I said I'd give him the details of some of the women who enter my 'Win a date with Neonsamurai' competition. The film he's reviewed is one we've seen 3 times already, that's how good it is, but I decided to ask Dave to review it because he's got links with the Mafia and owns a belt that used to belong to Al Capone. He's also good to have around when we watch films with killing in, because he's ex special forces and knows if a film is realistic or not. He once knocked out a bouncer at a club because he wouldn't let a girl in because her skirt was too short, and then she had sex with him to say thanks.

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. By guest reviewer Dave.

If somthing like this was going down on my manor I'd know about it, becaurse street smarts is what I'm about. That's why Neol asked me to write a review about it, becaurse I know how these geezers think. Ask anyone at the bus depot were I work and theyll tell you that I'm a man who nose that not nowing something will get you bumped off. 'Bumped off' means killed. I'm not a gayer.

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels is a complicatted plot about what happens in the East End of London. Theres these 4 freids who are like brothers who pay their mate to take part in a poker game to win loads of money, but the game is fixed and he has to pay back money they havnt got. If someone trys to con like that go for the bigest guy there and taken him head on in a fite. That is what you now if youve been in the military. Crooks rezpect strength.

So to get the money before they get bumped off they plan to rob some money from some robbers who are planning to rob from some ponces who grow weed. Weed is another name for heroine which is what they call it on the street. The ponces are well stupid and probably all benders.

Also there is a gangster called 'Harry the Hatcher' who wants some guns stolen which are worth thousands of pownds, which is why it's called Lockstock and Two Smoking Barells, because those are parts of a gun. Other bits are the clip, sites, triger, sholder pad and the cocker.

I won't spoil the film by telling you the story, but it's funyy,violent and well acted. Its not orthentic though as the axents were all wrong and if any of that had happened rownd here I'd have sorted it out properly, gangland stile. I now people who can sort stuff owt and I'v been know to step in if the situation is right.

Also Neol's upset that only one of you birds has entered his competition. If you win you get free food and sex, so you must be all stuck up and married to ponces if you havent entered.

Rezpect.