This is what I need.
Turns out that the 'Comedy Night' was a complete waste of time, mainly because the room was filled with psychopaths. To be perfectly honest, I'm lucky I'm not dead. So I've decided to ditch the stand up comedy routine and explore another avenue to make money: PayPal.
But before I explain my new plan, let me take a moment to tell you a few things:
Love. Love is a beautiful feeling that you can only get when a beautiful woman says she'll have sex with you, once you've paid for her to fly over to the UK. It's the sort of emotion that not everyone can understand because most people marry god-awful ugly people, or just end up with loads of cats. Dullards. How is a cat as good as a sexy partner? Can you have sex with it? Erm... No, unless you're wrong in the head or something. If I had the choice between marrying a beautiful Russian woman or marrying a cat I'd choose the former. And can't you catch rabies off of a cat?
Another emotion that is also very beautiful is reading film reviews. Film reviews save you the time of actually watching the film, so if it's rubbish you can avoid it. It's a very important thing which saves people time and money. But only if it's done by a professional, and not some hackneyed, duck-owning toddler who seems to think that using the films' title to describe the film is clever. What if you'd just watched a really good film that only had a negative word in the title? What then Emily? Come on Emily, let's see you review 'Dirty Rotten Scoundrels'. Face it, you've as much chance of becoming a film reviewer as a blind person. And don't get me started on Hawking. Has he EVER reviewed a film? Has he? I've never seen one. But I'll bet if HE sent EMPIRE MAGAZINE his CV he'd get a sodding job in a flash, rather than being accused of racism.
So my blog brings you both love and also film reviews (and there was a competition for free sex), which are things that you can't put a price on. However if I was to pull a number out of the air I'd say it's about five grand. Which is how much money I think you should pay me for reading my blog.
Now that's not a monthly fee, it's a one off. So you pay me five thousand pounds and that entitles you to read my blog forever. I've not actually worked out a structure to it yet, so I'll have to rely on you (my loyal readership) to just cough up the cash. Simply click on the 'PayPal' logo in the right hand column here and pledge your five thousand pounds (obviously more if you can afford it).
Hopefully I'll have the money for Natalia's plane ticket for by next week.
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