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So far I have received ZERO contributions to my PayPal account. Oh you think that's bad do you? Well look at this:
Oh a movie review and competition. Big deal? Well guess who they got to 'review' this film:
EMILY STEPHENSON
Doesn't anybody read my blog, because I'm pretty sure that I made it perfectly clear here that she's rubbish at reviewing films? Oh but what do I know, seeing as I've more or less dedicated that last 12 years of my life to being a professional film critic. At last count I'd reviewed over 80 films, which now I think about it doesn't sound like that many, but I don't just make up stuff off the top of my head. Well, not for every film anyway.
And how much did she get paid for writing that film review? Three or four thousand pounds probably. What's a child going to spend four grand on? A lifetime supply of Smarties? That's the reason kids aren't paid a fortune in pocket money, because if they did they'd probably destroy the economy but spending the money on nonsense. I'd use the money to buy my fiancé a plane ticket. How's that for sensible?
Since I apparently can't be trusted to write film reviews for the Littlehampton Echo, I'm going to have to rely on YOU my loyal and generous readership (but not the women, who can't be bothered to have free food and sex with me) to send money to my PayPal account so that I can give Natalia twenty thousand pounds.
Please be generous.
This is what I need.
Turns out that the 'Comedy Night' was a complete waste of time, mainly because the room was filled with psychopaths. To be perfectly honest, I'm lucky I'm not dead. So I've decided to ditch the stand up comedy routine and explore another avenue to make money: PayPal.
But before I explain my new plan, let me take a moment to tell you a few things:
Love. Love is a beautiful feeling that you can only get when a beautiful woman says she'll have sex with you, once you've paid for her to fly over to the UK. It's the sort of emotion that not everyone can understand because most people marry god-awful ugly people, or just end up with loads of cats. Dullards. How is a cat as good as a sexy partner? Can you have sex with it? Erm... No, unless you're wrong in the head or something. If I had the choice between marrying a beautiful Russian woman or marrying a cat I'd choose the former. And can't you catch rabies off of a cat?
Another emotion that is also very beautiful is reading film reviews. Film reviews save you the time of actually watching the film, so if it's rubbish you can avoid it. It's a very important thing which saves people time and money. But only if it's done by a professional, and not some hackneyed, duck-owning toddler who seems to think that using the films' title to describe the film is clever. What if you'd just watched a really good film that only had a negative word in the title? What then Emily? Come on Emily, let's see you review 'Dirty Rotten Scoundrels'. Face it, you've as much chance of becoming a film reviewer as a blind person. And don't get me started on Hawking. Has he EVER reviewed a film? Has he? I've never seen one. But I'll bet if HE sent EMPIRE MAGAZINE his CV he'd get a sodding job in a flash, rather than being accused of racism.
So my blog brings you both love and also film reviews (and there was a competition for free sex), which are things that you can't put a price on. However if I was to pull a number out of the air I'd say it's about five grand. Which is how much money I think you should pay me for reading my blog.
Now that's not a monthly fee, it's a one off. So you pay me five thousand pounds and that entitles you to read my blog forever. I've not actually worked out a structure to it yet, so I'll have to rely on you (my loyal readership) to just cough up the cash. Simply click on the 'PayPal' logo in the right hand column here and pledge your five thousand pounds (obviously more if you can afford it).
Hopefully I'll have the money for Natalia's plane ticket for by next week.
Natalia and I had our first row today, (not including the ones we've had about UK special forces). Basically her dad is trying to make her marry some hideous old man and she would really rather marry me, although for the first part of our conversation she kept calling me 'Martin', but English isn't her first language, so mistakes are inevitable. She got really tetchy and claimed that if I loved her I'd send her that twenty grand NOW. So I outlined my plan to become a comedian, and she asked me if I was joking (see, I'm a natural).
Speaking of which look what I saw:
What a stroke of luck! It's a comedy night with an open mike (which technically should be 'mic', so I'll work that into my routine) so that other people can have a go at some stand up. And it's at a pub I'm not barred from! But it's this Saturday, so I'm going to have to come up with a hilarious routine pretty damn quick! I know this means that I technically won't be making any money at first, but for now I'm just getting my comedy 'out there' and let me tell you I've got some pretty crazy ideas for my routine. Check out my joke schedule for the session:- Use Catchphrase "Ahoy my lovelies!"
- Question: "Anyone here from Littlehampton?"
- Joke: "How come they call it Littlehampton when it's quite big?!"
- Wait for applause to stop
- Improvisational Comedy
I thought I'd finish with 20 minutes or so of improvisational comedy, using whatever comes to mind at the time. I've watched 'Who's Line is it Anyway?', 'Have I got News for You?' and 'Mock the Week' so I'm a big fan of comedians making up jokes as they go along. If I get stuck I'll just get the audience to call out suggestions.
I've even totally maxed-out the hilarity by giving myself a comedy stage-name; Ivor Biggun! How crazy is that? It makes it sound as if I've got a massive willie! Clearly I've given it more thought than John Robson, who's probably using his real name. The dick.
Guess what? Hermione is on 'extended leave' at the moment, pending a possible criminal conviction. Who'd have thought she was the criminal type? Yes, she's grade A nut job, but a criminal? That's not really her style. I might pop around her house and see if there's anything I can do to help.
So instead of my usual battle of minds with Hermione, I get to speak to Charlie. I like Charlie. He's retired once before, and apparently got bored and got a job at the job centre. Although he says it's because he hates his wife. To be honest, Charlie hates a lot of things, particularly children because 'they ruin your life and always side with that bitch'. He also hates 'bloody spongers' but not as much as he hates talking to them, so normally when he speaks to me he just says the bits that I'm supposed to say for me just to speed things up.
Charlie (normal voice): "Have you been applying for work?"
Charlie (high voice): "Yes I have. I've applied for loads of jobs, although I'm too lazy to actually provide proof. Please can I have some free money?"
Hahaha! Charlie cracks me up. It's like he's doing a stand up routine. I told him he should be a comedian, and he said I should get a bloody job, which is cool, because that's what I intend to do. However, having said this the only jobs that are available are shelf stacking, farm work and verge cleaning. When I asked him about any high paying jobs Charlie said "No. Nothing. Except this very highly paid job to be a millionaire playboy living in Monaco and having the life of bloody Riley." But it turned out that job didn't actually exist, and Charlie was being funny again (I'll bet it's never dull at the Job Centre when you work with him, much like Whoopee Goldberg).
But, like what often happens in a cop film when something unrelated happens, causing the cop to click his fingers and say something like "wait a minute... Pineapples are acidic..." I said "wait a minute... Stand up comedians earn a fortune...." To which Charlie said "Next!"
So I'm intending to become a stand up comedian like Frankie Boyle, or Russell Brand who earn an absolute fortune. As I often say, if you can review a film then you can do anything.
