Taking the (open) Mic

Natalia and I had our first row today, (not including the ones we've had about UK special forces). Basically her dad is trying to make her marry some hideous old man and she would really rather marry me, although for the first part of our conversation she kept calling me 'Martin', but English isn't her first language, so mistakes are inevitable. She got really tetchy and claimed that if I loved her I'd send her that twenty grand NOW. So I outlined my plan to become a comedian, and she asked me if I was joking (see, I'm a natural).

Speaking of which look what I saw:

What a stroke of luck! It's a comedy night with an open mike (which technically should be 'mic', so I'll work that into my routine) so that other people can have a go at some stand up. And it's at a pub I'm not barred from! But it's this Saturday, so I'm going to have to come up with a hilarious routine pretty damn quick! I know this means that I technically won't be making any money at first, but for now I'm just getting my comedy 'out there' and let me tell you I've got some pretty crazy ideas for my routine. Check out my joke schedule for the session:

1. Use Catchphrase "Ahoy my lovelies!"
2. Question: "Anyone here from Littlehampton?"
   
3. Joke: "How come they call it Littlehampton when it's quite big?!"
4. Wait for applause to stop
5. Improvisational Comedy
   

I thought I'd finish with 20 minutes or so of improvisational comedy, using whatever comes to mind at the time. I've watched 'Who's Line is it Anyway?', 'Have I got News for You?' and 'Mock the Week' so I'm a big fan of comedians making up jokes as they go along. If I get stuck I'll just get the audience to call out suggestions.

I've even totally maxed-out the hilarity by giving myself a comedy stage-name; Ivor Biggun! How crazy is that? It makes it sound as if I've got a massive willie! Clearly I've given it more thought than John Robson, who's probably using his real name. The dick.