From Russia with Love and Guns - Part 2

Well I can understand that personal friend Tom Cruise is probably too busy to return my tweet about the script for 'From Russia With Love and Guns', since he's promoting his movie Knight and Day and Kidman's about as reliable as a French farmer but I thought Jackman might bother to reply. He's perfect for the role. Although no surprise that Hawking didn't respond! HA! Hawking! Where's your film script?

Still I've done some more work on the script and decided to share it here, since a lot of my story is about character development and you need more than a few paragraphs to do that.

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From Russia with Love and Guns

By NeonSamurai

New Scene: The Samurai is on an Easy Jet flight to Russia and relaxing after eating his meal. He is gazing out of the window looking very deep and also a bit vulnerable, because women like that sort of thing. He is also eating a little packet of crisps. A man sits down next to him. He is another secret agent, codename: The Warrior.

The Warrior: "What's a guy gotta do to get a drink around here?"

The Samurai: "They're not included in the cost of the flight. Wait... Who are you?"

The Warrior: "I'm your new partner, codename: The Warrior."

The Samurai: "No. After what happened to my last partner, I work alone."

Flashback to a scene five years previously: The Samurai and his partner, The Destroyer have been captured by the Russian army and have been tied up. An evil looking Russian called General Yeltsin stands before them.

General Yeltsin: "Well, well, well. We have caught Britain's best secret agent and another one who is almost as good, although not a maverick and has a family."

The Samurai: "Do what you like to me Yeltsin, but my partner is innocent. It's my unorthodox methods that got us caught, so I should be held accountable."

The Destroyer: "Don't worry Sam, this guy doesn't frighten me. I knew the risks when I became a secret agent, even though I have a young family."

General Yeltsin: "Ha! Ha! Ha! You handsome fools! You can't be secret agents if I put an advert in the paper with your pictures telling everyone that you're secret agents! I've also put an advert in the newsagent's window as well."

The Samurai: "Curse you Yeltsin! I'll never trust another Russian, or by proxy an Australian!"

The Destroyer: "Nooooo! I really need this job! I've got a young family!"

Scene fades back to The Warrior and The Samurai on the plane, as he finishes his story.

The Samurai: "...and Destroyer had to give up working as a secret agent as he was too well known, and got a job as a plumber. Luckily for me, Yeltsin used the wrong photograph and spelled my name with an 'e' so I could carry on. I certainly hope I don't meet him during this mission, and have to duff him up or something."

The Warrior: "Well as your new partner I can assure you that won't be happening. I do everything by the book."

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Yes, it's a very emotional part of the script, but just because FRWLAG is an action/romance movie, it doesn't mean that it can't also have some very moving scenes. Also I am exploring an original concept of mine concerning somebody who plays by the rules, and somebody who makes his own rules teaming up. Will their varying styles clash? Will they begrudgingly learn to respect each other? Well I'll tell you now that Warrior dies when he slips and falls down the plane steps, so it's just something for the audience to theorize over after the film.

Don't forget, if you are a movie director, or know Spielberg or something, then please let them know about my blog and get them to read the script. I only want about twenty grand for it.

Neonsamurai R.I.P.

Hello, it's Dave here.

I have some very sad news about Neon who was killed this morning when a bus driven by some moron from 'On the Go' who lost control and crashed it. Neon's last words were "please update the blog Dave so that people know what's happened. And also so that people stop letting those fascists drive buses around here." He also said some other things about self-sacrifice, which is typical of him putting others first, but I won't mention them as he's a very deep guy.

When the movie industry heard the news about what had happened lots of people were very sad and had this to say about England's premier film-reviewer:

"He was easily the best film reviewer I've ever read, and from what I heard was also a big hit with the ladies." Thomas Cruise.

"I'm afraid from this day onwards I will not be funny in any way as a mark of respect to one of the film-reviewing greats. If we'd met, we'd have been friends." Whoopee Goldberg.

"Oh that's so sad. I wish I'd got off my stupid arse and responded to his tweets and those letters he sent me, but I'm afraid I'm a complete idiot." Nicole Kidman.

"I'm no better than Kidman." Hugh Jackman.

I would also like to add on a personal level that...

APRIL FOOL!

HA! HA! HA! I'm not really dead, it was all a cleverly constructed rouse to make you think I was. But I'm not. I was actually pretending to be Dave so as to make an April Fool of YOU! Ha! Ha! Just because I'm a professional film reviewer, doesn't mean I can't occasionally shake things up and share a bit of a joke with my loyal readership. LET'S SEE YOU DO THAT WINKLEMAN.

Now whilst you found my joke there hilarious, you'll be surprised to learn that others don't share your sense of humour. Even when I magnify the hilarity of 'April Fools Day' by doing it two days earlier, at the clinic. Do they, like you, clutch their sides and between loud guffaws and say "Oh Neon! You are a very funny prankster"? As hard as it is to believe, they do not. Not even a knowing wink or a wry smile. In fact, try to imagine the exact opposite response to hilarity and then you'll have an idea of just how Abigail responded.

Honestly, why do I bother? I even went to the expense of buying fake blood, and that stuff's not cheap.

Logically, if somebody was dishing out free hilarity (like Patch Adams) you'd think "hmm... This guy is bringing happiness to people, let's let him carry on". You definitely wouldn't assign two orderlies to accompany him everywhere he goes in the clinic, with special instructions that he has to use the toilets in the East wing as they are furthest from the women's wash rooms. Brilliant. No wonder somebody had to sedate Abigail.

I think the talented Robert Carlyle (Train Spotting) summed it up best when he said:

"No man who has once heartily and wholly laughed can be altogether irreclaimably bad."

Yet can I make Abigail laugh? To be honest, I doubt that even Whoopee Goldberg could make Abigail laugh, which if Robert's right, kind of makes her evil. I'm just saying what he's implying, but clearly there's something wrong with her.

Anyway, why not share my hilarious April Fool's joke with some of your friends? Or you could pretend to be a semi dressed corpse in the ladies toilets, and then get up and chase a woman into one of the cubicles whilst moaning like a zombie. But apparently that's NOT funny.