Movie Script: From Russia with Love & Guns

"Neonsamurai reviews films because he's so untalented that he can't write his own."

Is that what you think? Well for your information I have written loads of scripts and one was actually turned into a film starring Sean Connery. How many scripts have you had turned into a film? I'm going to make a quick guess now: ZERO.

I also wrote a script called 'Jihad Act' which was a Whoopee Goldberg vehicle, but all copies of that were seized by the FBI.

Well guess what? I wrote a new film script last night, just like that, because that's the kind of guy I am. I felt inspiration and just went for it and it's a really good story too. It's about a secret agent who falls in love with a Russian model and has to fight everyone in order to marry her. Sure, I can say that I've written a script, but guess what, I ACTUALLY HAVE:

FROM RUSSIAN WITH LOVE AND GUNS
By Neonsamurai

Opening scene: A secret agent, codenamed 'The Samurai' is having something to eat at KFC, when some kids start hassling him.

Kids: "Hey you loser! You're such a loser, you square."

The Samurai: "That's right, I am a square. A square in a round hole!"

Before the kids have a chance to act The Samurai pulls out a machine gun and shoots them all. People dive for cover as the bullets stitch through them ruining the KFC's decor.

Kids: "AAAIIIEEEE!"

Colonel Sanders: "Well done Samurai. Those kids have been bothering the staff and customers for the last few minutes. Your unorthodox methods have saved the day."

The Samurai: "It's what I do."

----------------------

New Scene: The Samurai is back at his office and is getting told off by his boss for being unorthodox. It's in a secret base a mile underground.

Boss Man: "Dammit Samurai! You're the best, but you're also too unorthodox and a maverick who plays by his own rules. Being so reckless is bad!"

The Samurai: "Oh yeah? Tell that to Colonel Sanders!"

Boss Man: "Dammit Samurai! I've got a very important mission for you in Russia. You need to go there and not fight anybody until you can rescue a double agent called Natalia. But under no circumstances are you to fall in love with her."

The Samurai: "I'm sure I won't. You know how much I hate the Russians after what they did to my partner. I also strongly dislike Australians, and nothing in the world can change my opinions."

Boss Man: "I don't want this clouding your judgment. You're too close. As of now you're off the case."

The Samurai: "Then I quit. I'm going to bring those bastards down if it's the last thing I do, even if I have to do it on my own!"

Boss Man: "Alright Samurai. I'm giving you 48 hours to get to Russia, not fight any baddies and not fall in love with Natalia. Don't let me down or my boss (the Queen) will have me executed. Can you guarantee a successful mission?"

The Samurai: "It's what I do."

-----Opening Titles-----

Obviously this is just the part of the film before the opening credits, but I've written several pages more, and let me tell you they're very good. Plus the film has loads of product placement and has the catchphrase "It's what I do."

Now what I'm intending to do is tweet this script to some of my twitter associates (including international mega-star and friend TOM CRUISE) and bring in a bit of interest for the screenplay and then start a bidding war. Ideally I'm looking for about twenty grand, but if I can get anymore it's a bonus.

Note: Just because I'm now a scriptwriter doesn't mean you can't also donate money for reading my blog.

Neonsamurai: The New Direction

Guess what? Hermione is on 'extended leave' at the moment, pending a possible criminal conviction. Who'd have thought she was the criminal type? Yes, she's grade A nut job, but a criminal? That's not really her style. I might pop around her house and see if there's anything I can do to help.

So instead of my usual battle of minds with Hermione, I get to speak to Charlie. I like Charlie. He's retired once before, and apparently got bored and got a job at the job centre. Although he says it's because he hates his wife. To be honest, Charlie hates a lot of things, particularly children because 'they ruin your life and always side with that bitch'. He also hates 'bloody spongers' but not as much as he hates talking to them, so normally when he speaks to me he just says the bits that I'm supposed to say for me just to speed things up.

Charlie (normal voice): "Have you been applying for work?"

Charlie (high voice): "Yes I have. I've applied for loads of jobs, although I'm too lazy to actually provide proof. Please can I have some free money?"

Hahaha! Charlie cracks me up. It's like he's doing a stand up routine. I told him he should be a comedian, and he said I should get a bloody job, which is cool, because that's what I intend to do. However, having said this the only jobs that are available are shelf stacking, farm work and verge cleaning. When I asked him about any high paying jobs Charlie said "No. Nothing. Except this very highly paid job to be a millionaire playboy living in Monaco and having the life of bloody Riley." But it turned out that job didn't actually exist, and Charlie was being funny again (I'll bet it's never dull at the Job Centre when you work with him, much like Whoopee Goldberg).

But, like what often happens in a cop film when something unrelated happens, causing the cop to click his fingers and say something like "wait a minute... Pineapples are acidic..." I said "wait a minute... Stand up comedians earn a fortune...." To which Charlie said "Next!"

So I'm intending to become a stand up comedian like Frankie Boyle, or Russell Brand who earn an absolute fortune. As I often say, if you can review a film then you can do anything.

Neonsamurai R.I.P.

Hello, it's Dave here.

I have some very sad news about Neon who was killed this morning when a bus driven by some moron from 'On the Go' who lost control and crashed it. Neon's last words were "please update the blog Dave so that people know what's happened. And also so that people stop letting those fascists drive buses around here." He also said some other things about self-sacrifice, which is typical of him putting others first, but I won't mention them as he's a very deep guy.

When the movie industry heard the news about what had happened lots of people were very sad and had this to say about England's premier film-reviewer:

"He was easily the best film reviewer I've ever read, and from what I heard was also a big hit with the ladies." Thomas Cruise.

"I'm afraid from this day onwards I will not be funny in any way as a mark of respect to one of the film-reviewing greats. If we'd met, we'd have been friends." Whoopee Goldberg.

"Oh that's so sad. I wish I'd got off my stupid arse and responded to his tweets and those letters he sent me, but I'm afraid I'm a complete idiot." Nicole Kidman.

"I'm no better than Kidman." Hugh Jackman.

I would also like to add on a personal level that...

APRIL FOOL!

HA! HA! HA! I'm not really dead, it was all a cleverly constructed rouse to make you think I was. But I'm not. I was actually pretending to be Dave so as to make an April Fool of YOU! Ha! Ha! Just because I'm a professional film reviewer, doesn't mean I can't occasionally shake things up and share a bit of a joke with my loyal readership. LET'S SEE YOU DO THAT WINKLEMAN.

Now whilst you found my joke there hilarious, you'll be surprised to learn that others don't share your sense of humour. Even when I magnify the hilarity of 'April Fools Day' by doing it two days earlier, at the clinic. Do they, like you, clutch their sides and between loud guffaws and say "Oh Neon! You are a very funny prankster"? As hard as it is to believe, they do not. Not even a knowing wink or a wry smile. In fact, try to imagine the exact opposite response to hilarity and then you'll have an idea of just how Abigail responded.

Honestly, why do I bother? I even went to the expense of buying fake blood, and that stuff's not cheap.

Logically, if somebody was dishing out free hilarity (like Patch Adams) you'd think "hmm... This guy is bringing happiness to people, let's let him carry on". You definitely wouldn't assign two orderlies to accompany him everywhere he goes in the clinic, with special instructions that he has to use the toilets in the East wing as they are furthest from the women's wash rooms. Brilliant. No wonder somebody had to sedate Abigail.

I think the talented Robert Carlyle (Train Spotting) summed it up best when he said:

"No man who has once heartily and wholly laughed can be altogether irreclaimably bad."

Yet can I make Abigail laugh? To be honest, I doubt that even Whoopee Goldberg could make Abigail laugh, which if Robert's right, kind of makes her evil. I'm just saying what he's implying, but clearly there's something wrong with her.

Anyway, why not share my hilarious April Fool's joke with some of your friends? Or you could pretend to be a semi dressed corpse in the ladies toilets, and then get up and chase a woman into one of the cubicles whilst moaning like a zombie. But apparently that's NOT funny.

Oscars

Well another year goes by and Hollywood completely fails to ask for my opinions on who and what should be winning Oscars again. Do you know why? It's because I'm a maverick, a loose-cannon film reviewer who breaks the rules and tells it like it is. You want a simple film review then walk on by pal because if you turn down Neonsamurai Street get ready for film-criticism that'll blow your mind.

So which films and people should have won this year? Well here's the official Neonsamurai Oscars 2010 results:

Best Picture: Avatar - I haven't actually seen 'The Hurt Locker' but Avatar had these huge, blue aliens and massive fighting suits which I think was enough to win it an Oscar.

Actor in a Leading Role: Dr Who - I really enjoyed watching the last few episodes of Dr Who, but the role was played by two actors; David Tennants and Matt Smith. So I think the award should go to the role instead.

Actress in a Leading Role: Sandra Bullock - Well done Hollywood. You got this one right. Other possible choices could have been Whoopee Goldberg or Famke Janssen, but certainly not Nicole Kidman, who apparently is also incapable of responding to tweets.

Actor in a Supporting Role: Christoph Waltz - Being old enough to appreciate it I thought 'Inglorious Bastards' was a good film. My mate Dave said that Waltz was particularly good, mainly because he's an expert on military history. He's got some buttons that came off Hitler's jacket which are 24 carat gold.

Actress in a Supporting Role: Whoopee Goldberg - I've no idea who this Mo'Nique is. Is that even a proper name? Sounds like an X-Men villain. What does it say on her credit card? 'Ms M Nique'? Sounds like part of a Bill Cosby monologue. Ridiculous.

Animated Feature Film: Avatar - Most of it was computer animated. I didn't bother going to see 'Up' either. Dave wanted to watch 'District 9' instead.

Foreign Language Film: Who Cares? - No, that's not the name of a film, it's just that nobody cares.

So not really a great deal of difference, apart from Dr Who creeping in to win best actor, and the brilliantly talented (and very funny) Whoopee Goldberg getting best supporting actress. Did you know that Whoopee Goldberg is married to Ted Danson? Imagine how hilarious their life must be? I just know that Whoopee and I would be such great friends.