Networking.

I think that there must be something wrong with the internet, because I have had neither PayPal contributions nor any offers for my film script (WHAT YOU WERE OFFERING TO DO WITH IT WAS OBSCENE JAVIER).

However I am being pragmatic about this and am moving forward, plus doing some 'networking' as they call it in the biz. The 'biz' is what people who work in the movie industry call it, and networking is when you meet people and talk about your script and which actor is attached. At the moment I'm keeping it fairly low-key as I think FRWLAG is kind of an art house film.

I've handed out some of my scripts to some local people who are quite influential; Dave, Dr Chen, Dr Hinds, Grigore from Chick 'n Fish, Charlie and Abigail (OH WHAT'S THAT JAVIER? NO SCRIPT FOR YOU? WELL I GUESS YOU'RE NOT INFLUENTIAL THEN ARE YOU?). Well I say I Abigail, I tried to give a copy to Abigail, but can you guess what happened? Yes, she went mental again. If a woman can't interact with a normal member of society, without going nutzoid then maybe (just maybe) she needs to be locked up. I don't mean that to be harsh but clearly that's going to be best for everyone.

Imagine somebody wanted to give you something that is free but might be worth millions (e.g. Christs birth certificate or my script). Would you hide from them and sit with the orderlies, refusing to even look at them, or say "wow thanks Neonsamurai, great script" and maybe tell your friends? Logically you'd do the later, but not Abigail. In fact, she became so illusive I had to employ tactics used by some famous script writers. I don't mean anything as naff as posting it to them, but things like putting it in a pizza box and having it delivered to the directors office, or paying a woman with big breasts to wear a T shirt printed with page 1 of your script arrive on set and make advances at the producer.

Now obviously I don't have loads of money, so I just jumped out of the supplies cupboard and threw it at her shouting "Read it! READ IT!!". One free script (and a free folder she could keep, which I'd found lying around) for her to read. You'd think she'd be grateful. Oh no. Oh no Abigail is not grateful AT ALL.

In fact so ungrateful is Abigail that the orderlies not only subdue me but they have to sedate her as well. Which turns out to be an absolute farce. Normally I have the highest respect for the clinic and the persons employed there, even Dr Hinds, who now just stares at me in silence for forty minutes during our sessions, occasionally having that nervous tick she's developed, before telling me to come back until next week, under any circumstances. But it turns out that they've mislaid the folder containing Abigail's notes and end up giving her the wrong sort of tranquilizer.

Tranquilizer's tranquilizer right? WRONG. Abigail goes 'Hulk' on the orderlies and runs out of the clinic, dragging one of them behind her, who's valiantly trying to restrain the woman's drug fueled rampage. So I try and help by shouting "Take her down! Lethal force! LETHAL FORCE!" when two orderlies charge out of the staff room, probably trying to ambush her. Bad move. She clotheslines' one of them and backhands the other shouting "I am a Ghostbuster! I AIN'T 'FRAID OF NO GHOST!"

To her credit Abigail made it as far as Budgens before she passed out.

However, all of this did give me the opportunity to visit Dr Chen and give him my script. He wasn't particularly interested though, but it is my first draft. Maybe when I've got a few big names attached to it he'll come around to the idea. I'll also add some Chinamen as well. He's bound to like that.

Neonsamurai R.I.P.

Hello, it's Dave here.

I have some very sad news about Neon who was killed this morning when a bus driven by some moron from 'On the Go' who lost control and crashed it. Neon's last words were "please update the blog Dave so that people know what's happened. And also so that people stop letting those fascists drive buses around here." He also said some other things about self-sacrifice, which is typical of him putting others first, but I won't mention them as he's a very deep guy.

When the movie industry heard the news about what had happened lots of people were very sad and had this to say about England's premier film-reviewer:

"He was easily the best film reviewer I've ever read, and from what I heard was also a big hit with the ladies." Thomas Cruise.

"I'm afraid from this day onwards I will not be funny in any way as a mark of respect to one of the film-reviewing greats. If we'd met, we'd have been friends." Whoopee Goldberg.

"Oh that's so sad. I wish I'd got off my stupid arse and responded to his tweets and those letters he sent me, but I'm afraid I'm a complete idiot." Nicole Kidman.

"I'm no better than Kidman." Hugh Jackman.

I would also like to add on a personal level that...

APRIL FOOL!

HA! HA! HA! I'm not really dead, it was all a cleverly constructed rouse to make you think I was. But I'm not. I was actually pretending to be Dave so as to make an April Fool of YOU! Ha! Ha! Just because I'm a professional film reviewer, doesn't mean I can't occasionally shake things up and share a bit of a joke with my loyal readership. LET'S SEE YOU DO THAT WINKLEMAN.

Now whilst you found my joke there hilarious, you'll be surprised to learn that others don't share your sense of humour. Even when I magnify the hilarity of 'April Fools Day' by doing it two days earlier, at the clinic. Do they, like you, clutch their sides and between loud guffaws and say "Oh Neon! You are a very funny prankster"? As hard as it is to believe, they do not. Not even a knowing wink or a wry smile. In fact, try to imagine the exact opposite response to hilarity and then you'll have an idea of just how Abigail responded.

Honestly, why do I bother? I even went to the expense of buying fake blood, and that stuff's not cheap.

Logically, if somebody was dishing out free hilarity (like Patch Adams) you'd think "hmm... This guy is bringing happiness to people, let's let him carry on". You definitely wouldn't assign two orderlies to accompany him everywhere he goes in the clinic, with special instructions that he has to use the toilets in the East wing as they are furthest from the women's wash rooms. Brilliant. No wonder somebody had to sedate Abigail.

I think the talented Robert Carlyle (Train Spotting) summed it up best when he said:

"No man who has once heartily and wholly laughed can be altogether irreclaimably bad."

Yet can I make Abigail laugh? To be honest, I doubt that even Whoopee Goldberg could make Abigail laugh, which if Robert's right, kind of makes her evil. I'm just saying what he's implying, but clearly there's something wrong with her.

Anyway, why not share my hilarious April Fool's joke with some of your friends? Or you could pretend to be a semi dressed corpse in the ladies toilets, and then get up and chase a woman into one of the cubicles whilst moaning like a zombie. But apparently that's NOT funny.

Job Vacancy

Oh my god! Check this out: Jonathan Ross to Leave BBC.

The BBC's No 1 film reviewer isn't renewing his contract! He's leaving! I'm no
mathematician, but that means that they are one film reviewer short. Anyone
know any good film reviewers who are currently in need of work? Well I can
only think of one, and that's me!

From every possible angle I can think of, it makes 100% sense for the BBC to
employ me to fill the role: I'm unemployed, am a film reviewer, have watched
hundreds of films and am happy to watch more films. Sure, I've never actually
presented a show before, but I've given evidence in court, which is practically
same thing.

Dave's mum said I should definitely write to the BBC for a job, (but probably
not for this job though) and to get one of the people at the clinic to give me a
hand with the letter. Pffft! To be honest the people at the clinic mostly just tell
me my ideas are wrong or that 'maybe I should do something less violent', so
why should I get them to help me? I'll write it myself, that'll rub that exasperated
look of Hermione's stupid face. 

W.T.F?!?

What the HELL does the Littlehampton Echo think it's doing? Read this:



Under 12? UNDER 12? A film review competition only open to people too young to even buy pornography? What kind of dullard thought that up? And why didn't they mention it on the front of the paper, rather than halfway through the competition details? It took me a whole weekend to write that film review, and I could have spent that time doing something much more constructive, like helping my neighbours move house.

Not that they'd actually accept my help. Not since my 'hiding in the boot of Lorraine's car' prank caused so much fuss. Can nobody take a joke these days? Oh but I bet if I was under 12, it would have been funny. Everyone would have had a good laugh about it. Ha ha ha! Yes a 12 year old with a hockey mask jumping out of the car boot is soooo funny. Lorraine wouldn't even give me a lift home and I only live next door! I had to walk sodding miles as it was the middle of nowhere. Lorraine and Matt were a lot more friendly when they first moved in.

That's what I could have been doing Littlehampton Echo, I could have been helping people, rather than writing film reviews for your stupid newspaper. Well I hope you're happy with yourselves. Rest assured I shall never read your newspaper again, and I also encourage my readers to follow suit.