Even more stuff that'd set IMDB on fire

I've been busy, and coupled with a rabid flippin' koala that thinks he's a facehugger and my still broken DVD player mean that there are no new reviews today. Although I am working on an absolutely kick-ass review (because kicking ass is what I do, just look at my page banner) of 'The Fantastic Mr. Fox' for the Littlehampton Echo. Obviously I can't post it here because someone will steal it and I'll forego my Disneyland Paris holiday.

However, I am going to share another review that IMDB couldn't handle. POW! It was like a punch to the kidneys for them! But I was rather annoyed when they took it down as it was one of my better film reviews, and because they left it up for two years. Oh well. Here it is:

Neonsamurai's 'Free Willy' Review:

Apparently:

‘The koala is a small bear-like, tree-dwelling, herbivorous marsupial which averages about 9kg (20lb) in weight. It's fur is thick and usually ash grey with a tinge of brown in places.'

Well, my description would be this:

‘The Koala is a violent angry creature who normally hides on top of my wardrobe and once jumped on my face and I couldn't pull it off. It has on more than one occasion mistaken a 3lb bag of sugar for cocaine and then went on a rampage through my mothers kitchen.'

Strange isn't it how the reality differs from the magical world of such ‘experts'. Yet to them, koalas are nice, quite creatures that wouldn't hurt a fly, but from personal experience when given some crack they go berserk and bring down aircraft. I'd liked to have seen Derek Palmers from the RSPCA get ‘holier than thou' about animal welfare after Rufus (the koala) threw himself at the bouncer outside Aylesbury's popular nightclub ‘The Lounge' and put the poor guy in hospital. Okay, so I threw Rufus the first part of the way as I drove past, but it was the koala who should be prosecuted for clamping onto the poor guy's face and not letting go until it was tranquillized. And whilst I'm on the subject of 'The Lounge', not wearing trousers is NO reason not to let someone into a nightclub.

But then, as if to rub salt in my wounds I see that Simon Wincer has directed a movie about a boy becoming friends with a killer whale. Apparently, this whale is going to be killed by the evil owners of an aquarium so the boy rescues it. Firstly, how can you become friends with a killer whale? That was stupid. At least in Johnny Mnemonic they had a dolphin with a TV in its face that was addicted to drugs; there was a creature with human failings that I could identify with and want to get to know. But this killer whale (that's right, a killer whale) is nice and kind and innocent. Yeah right, he's so perfect and gentle is he? Then how did he manage to get put in captivity? And how come he's called a killer whale? Well, my only explanation is that Willy is actually retarded, like the whale equivalent of Ang Lee (watch Pete's Dragon Ang! There's actually a dragon in that film!)

Anyway this massive killing machine ‘befriends' this boy who gets upset about the whale's plight. Where was this kid when Jaws was trying to kill the rest of Roy Scheider's family? I know he'd only be about 4, but surely he could have ‘befriended' jaws. Actually, I'm sure he wouldn't have managed, what with Jaws not being a sap like that dullard Willy. I'd like to see them try and put Jaws in an aquarium as well and make him perform tricks. His trick would have been to eat one of those annoying dolphin trainers, and maybe a few members of the audience.

Bah! Who am I kidding? I haven't even seen this movie! I'm just in a bad mood since that bouncer found me and duffed me over.

Still too Hot for IMDB

What's that IMDB? You can't take the heat? Well get out of my kitchen! Unbelievably I had this review removed from IMDB, probably after the film industry pressured them. To be honest I had a feeling my victimisation went all the way to the top. But it's back here on my new blog wher I'm not afraid to hit you with the real facts about movies.

NeonSamurai's 'Silence of the Lambs' Review:

As I type this I am seething, that's right SEETHING with anger over this debacle of a movie. Who are these movie execs who decide that names of films and market them accordingly? Well I wish I knew because right now I feel a severe BUTT KICKING coming on!

‘Silence of the Lambs.' SILENCE OF THE FREAKING LAMBS?!?!?! There where no lambs in it and the film had sound! I told this girl I met on the Internet that I was cultured and liked loads of films, particularly the classics. She told me she liked the old black and white silent films. Looking in the paper I found that my local cinema was doing a special showing of a film called ‘Silence of the Lambs' so I naturally thought this'd be right up her street and arranged a date with her, saying that I knew a cinema showing some old classics. We agreed to meet there and I even had a bath.

Well she turns up at the cinema and starts screaming. So do some other women as well. APPARENTLY ‘Silence of the Lambs' is a horror film and really scary. It must have been REALLY scary because the film hadn't even started; yet she was screaming and acting all hysterical. In fact we where still in the foyer! So there I was trying to calm her down when the manager of the cinema started shouting something like `Oh god! He's back again!' and suddenly the Police canine response unit shows up, and I had to lock myself in a toilet cubicle.

Needless to say my evening was ruined (although the girl from the Internet was ugly and had one eye bigger than the other, so maybe I had a lucky escape) and I had to jump out of the toilet window to avoid arrest.

So why the hell would someone make a film so scary that before women have even seen it they start screaming, yet give it a name involving lambs? What's next? ‘Fluffy Bunny Josie', a film that turns out to be about a flesh eating virus, or ‘Cuddly Bear and the Munchkins' that's about something so hideous I can't even imagine it? I could have had sex with a real person if this film hadn't been so badly marketed!

And whilst were on the subject of marketing how come the poster for it said things like `…True horror…': Empire Magazine, `…Chilling…' Time Out and `A master of terror': New York Times. Why don't they put things I say about the films on the posters? `The Director of this film is stalking me': Neonsamurai, `Where's my love and respect?': Neonsamurai and `Derek Palmers is a spazmo!': Neonsamurai.

I'll tell you why they wouldn't do that, because they can't handle my no-nonsense film review skills. I don't go on about juxtapositions or metaphors, I just cut to the chase with phrases like `Ang Lee is a retard' or `Rosie O'Donnell has a deformed head'. And guess what? I didn't even go to university. Well, I did go to university for a while until I was reported to campus security for scaring some of the female students. What's so scary about a naked man? I see myself naked in the mirror most mornings, but I don't call the police. I guess that's because I'm not ‘educated' like those girls in Cambridge, or a cinema manager.

I'm sure that movie studios would like me to sum up this film in a word so that they can put on the poster in order to fool people into thinking it was a good film, but I'm not going to. I don't want Sony or Tri Star or whoever made this god-awful excuse for a piece of classic cinema (it's not even in black and white!) an option to mislead the public any further. Instead I'm going to give you a list of some of the most outrageous, trumped up charges that Thames Valley Police have brought against me in recent weeks. Let's see them put these on a movie poster!!

- Failure to wear trousers in the presence of the mayor

- Throwing a marsupial at a nightclub security guard

- Attempting to fake own death for benefit fraud

- Ram raiding the Aylesbury RSPCA offices in a milk float