If you're going to rip me off, do it properly

"Hmm... I think I'll become a reviewer, even though I don't know the first thing about it."
"And I'm mental."

What the hell is this about?

NeonReviews

"-personal reviews of just about anything"

Who does this guy think he is? NeonReviews? My name's Neon and I review things! This guy's some kind of copycat imposter! Let me show you what 'Mr Imposter' probably percieved circa November 2003:

"Hmm... What an insightful and revealing review of 'Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring' I have just read on IMDB. Although I have never done any film-critic work before I think it looks really easy, therefore I shall create my own website and review things. And I'll name it NeonReviews, because I have no imagination."

If reviewing films was easy IMDB would be crammed full of peoples self-opinionated nonsense. And although I am slightly flattered that he's named his site after me I cannot abide dishonesty or amateurish reviews (YOU PAYING ATTENTION EMILY?). For those of you thinking about becoming film reviewers here's a set of guidelines I suggest you stick to:

1) Is whatever you're reviewing worth reviewing before you review it? This is important. Everyone knows that romantic comedies are rubbish; predictable script, little or no nudity, rarely any explosions and ultimately the woman marries a non-violent man without any emotional instabilities. Boring. So why waste your time watching it? Answer: Don't. Simply look at the DVD box, make a note of some of the actors or characters names and then just write something like 'a lacklustre film with no boobage'. Using this this system I was able to review all six series of 'Sex and the City' in less than ten minutes. It was a 'rubbish, lacklustre series with no boobage'.

2) You can't make an omelette without kicking-ass. Sure, the 'LOTR' trilogy was rubbish and probably a massive flop, but it could have run on for at least another three or four films, much like the 'Police Academy' movies. Luckily I stood up to those big-city movie types and told it like it was, not only exposing the films flaws, but also what was wrong with Jackson's face. Did they make any sequels? Duh? No. Bruce Lee used to always try and punch two inches beyond his opponents face, to do maximum damage (Dave punches 2 feet beyond his opponents faces). That's what you should do metaphorically with a film review, aim beyond what you're trying to do for maximum effect. Let's say you're reviewing a film by (picking a name at random) Ang Lee. It's rubbish and really he should just give up film making, why not go beyond insulting him and start ridiculing his family? If you don't he will continue making films.

3) Don't be afraid to be a maverick. What do all these people have in common; Lt Christopher Blair, Lt Pete Mitchell and Bret Maverick. Answer they were all mavericks who lived by their own rules and slept with lots of women. And two of them were pilots. Most reviewers fall waaaay short of this impressive milestone, which is why nobody reads their stuff. I on the other hand don't play by 'their' rules. And by 'their' I mean the film industry with their various regulations concerning trespassing and a forms of indecent exposure. Boo hoo Hollywood. Rules are made to be broken, and I'm a rule-breaking sledgehammer of a film-reviewer. Deal with it.

4) Never admit you're wrong. Let's say that you went to see a film that you thought was a black and white silent movie because some googly-eyed girl you met on line liked that sort of thing, only to find out it was a visceral horror movie. So scary in fact that the police canine unit turned up and you had to escape via the toilet window (a very good escape route). Now some people might email you saying 'it's the most famous horror film of the 90's you moron' and 'a decent film reviewer would have known what it was about'. But only a third-rate movie critic would concede. A decent one would write a very aggressive letter to Ridley Scott demanding he change the name of the film to something like 'Scary Hannibal Eats Faces' or 'Not a Silent Film with No Lambs'.

Hopefully if any of you are thinking about writing a film review then you can take all of this into consideration. It'll completely change the way people perceive film reviews.

IMDB Can't Handle the Truth

"I want the truth!"

"You can't handle the truth!"

If Nicholson had said that to me I'd have looked annoyed and said in a slow deliberate manner "I blinkin' well CAN handle the truth."

That would have shut him up.

Regardless of this I have another review (or maybe that should be 'review' IMDB) that those stuffy bigwigs at another less popular movie review site simply couldn't handle. Oh, but what's this? Turns out that comedienne, mathematical genius and spelling expert Jennifer Dziura knows better. Apparently my review for popular music and dance film 'Fame' is in fact a review and not a 'gross infraction of site policy'. Who are you going to believe, some guys sat around a big table in some huge skyscraper, using $100 bills to light their Cuban cigars as they try to crush the dreams of people who want to give opinions on films, or a woman once voted Miss New York Traditional Foods? Obviously it's the later and you can check out Jennifer's (or Jen as I like to call her) blog here.

Oh what's that IMDB? Still don't believe me? Well let's see what we have here. Oops. Looks like some huge multinational internet review site has been brought to its knees by a maverick film-reviewer and some woman who asked me not to email her anymore. So here's my 'review' in all it's glory:


Neonsamurai's 'Fame' review:

Nobody ever takes responsibility for his or her own actions these days:

A kid jumps out of a window dressed as a superhero and breaks his leg; Blame the film ‘Superman'.

An 8-year-old girl steals a Ferrari and crashes it into Toys ‘R Us; Blame ‘The fast and the Furious'.

A toddler tries to shoot the pope with a customised Walther WA 2000, loaded with mercury tipped bullets; Blame ‘Mrs Doubtfire'.

Yet when I get reported to the police for borrowing ladies clothing from a washing line, arresting officers actually laughed (that's right, laughed!) when I tried to blame ‘Fame', or more specifically ‘The Kids from Fame'. That's right, Thames Valley Police refused to allow ME the right to pass the responsibilities for MY actions onto the movie ‘Fame'.

This fat, ugly copper looks at me and says; `Errrr… I'm pretty sure ‘The Kids from Fame' didn't dress up in old ladies bloomers sir. And why have you got a bra on your head?' It's like living in a Nazi police state! One false accusation after another!

I give the film ‘Fame' a rating of 2 out of 10 when used as an alibi.

Yet another review IMDB couldn't handle

Years ago when people wanted to learn about the latest movies or check out latest industry buzz they'd visit IMDB, but times are changing and instead they're coming here, I presume. That's because unlike IMDB neonsamurai.kicks-ass.net isn't afraid to hit people with hardcore movie facts. It wasn't always that way though, it used to be that IMDB had some of the best reviews on the internet, but some of them they just couldn't handle. Here's one of them:

Neonsamurai's 'Time Machine' Review:

Guy Pearce shouldn't be allowed to use a time machine, because he wastes it. He's got this great toy. I mean scientific instrument, and he just wastes it on moping about his dead girlfriend and trying to save her life. Duh! You're such a spaz guy!

Luckily when I've finished my time machine I'll be travelling all over the place. But the first place I'm going is back to will be the last US election where George Bush beat Al Gore. That'll teach you George! That'll teach you for not answering my emails and not popping in to see me when you were in the UK last year. My mum had cooked fish fingers and chips for you and you didn't turn up! That's rude! Al Gore would have turned up! We even had arctic roll for pudding.

The other thing I'm doing when I go into the very far future is taking a gun with me. I'll probably steal a gun in 2177, probably like a pulse rifle from 'Aliens' or a phaser from 'Star Trek'. That way, when I arrive in 47,008 and some morlocks turn up and try to catch me I'll be like:

`BRAKKA! BRAKKA! BRAKKA! DOOO! DOOO! FWOOOSH! BOOOOOOM!'

But if they don't understand what I'm saying I'll just open fire. I'd then go back in time to when Famke Janssen was 23 and marry her and then head into the year 1066 and defeat the Norman invasion of England.

Then I'm going to beat up Mike Oldfield so that Richard Branson won't create Virgin Records and ultimately Virgin Airways, who made a fuss over nothing with my Koala. After that I'm going to steal a dragon form medieval England and then make it 'magically' appear during the shooting of 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'. THERE'S YOUR FREAKING DRAGON ANG! HOW'D YOU LIKE THAT?

`Oh! But you won't be able to travel back as they don't have electricity in the far future.' You might say, thinking you're scientific and clever, but the very fact that you've even opened you mouth has proved that you're an idiot!! My time machine will be coal powered! They have coal in both the future and the past.

In summary I'd say that Guy Pearce handles himself fairly well in the future, but needs to eat more.

If it's hot post it on IMDB (not)

Oh dear IMDB. How the mighty have fallen? Why it seems like only yesterday people were visiting your site to get news and reviews on the latest movies. Well since my blog opened up LESS THAN A MONTH AGO those people are coming here. At least I presume they are. I can't check the number of hits I'm getting, but I bet it's well into the thousands.

Anyway, back before people stopped visiting IMDB I wrote some of the best movie reviews they'd ever seen, so good that some of them got removed because of slander or 'not actually reviewing the film'. Luckily I've decided to share some of those reviews that were too revolutionary here on my blog.

Neonsamurai's 'Predator' review:

You'd think people would actually want help at an Anti-Hunt protest wouldn't you? Well that's what I thought, doing my bit for the environment and helping stop foxes go extinct. I've seen 'Predator' and understood the whole anti-hunting message in the film and knew that I had to do what's right for defenceless animals. Also, Rufus had eaten through the roof in the garage and escaped into the fields near Aston Clinton so I had to try and lure him back. I had previously told my mum not to leave boxes of Daz washing power where he could get to them, but oh no. Don't listen to your son will you woman?

I know for a fact that when Rufus has the contents of a family sized box of washing powder inside him, he normally goes looking for real narcotics to eat, but this time he made straight for this group of hunt protesters, and guess who's there? That complete spaz Derek Palmers and his wife, that's who. Well, as soon as I turn up he starts getting all jittery and nervous, telling his wife to sit in the car and lock the doors. I'm trying to explain that Rufus isn't that dangerous unless you make any sudden moves, but will he listen? Seems that Mr 'Don't Feed Koala's Class A Drugs' knows more about marsupials than I do and tells the people giving out RSPCA leaflets not to let me have any, 'Because he'll probably choke on them'.

I ate 3 leaflets just fine WITHOUT CHOKING just to prove a point when we hear the huntsmen approaching and all the protesters start screaming 'Murderers! Murderers!' That must have woken Rufus up or something because we went berserk, big time. Unfortunately Mrs Palmers panicked and couldn't open the car doors quick enough and then the unpleasantness began. To be honest I blame them for leaving their car's sunroof open in the first place.

Now bearing in mind that I am NOWHERE NEAR THE CAR and certainly didn't tell Mrs Palmers to lock herself inside it, whom do you think Derek blames for this? Rufus? Of course not. Yet again I am held responsible for that little Aussie Crack head's actions, even though it is he not I that has clamped onto Mrs Palmer's face. Anyway, she should have stayed put and gone limp (which usually works) but instead she stumbles out of the car and staggers across the field. Now Derek's going crazy at this point but unlike him I've read about the Suffragettes and just assumed that Mrs Palmers was copying Emily Davidson.

Now as I've already made clear, after watching 'Predator' I'd definitely never take part in fox hunting, but if I did and a woman with a koala on her face ran out in front of my horse I wouldn't avoid her by swerving into a crowd of 27 protesters. But clearly what I'd do and what huntsmen do are two entirely different things, particularly when another horse managed to almost jump Derek's car. The important word here is 'almost'.

The fact that at this point the fox hunt officially stopped is a good thing in my opinion, which you'd think the hunt protesters would thank me for. Well guess again because those lazy soap dodgers were showing their true colours, which was to curse and scream at me. Some thanks eh? Although I suppose that I should be thankful that they weren't all screaming at me, some of them were being far too self obsessed for that: 'I'VE broken MY leg.' 'Call ME an ambulance.' 'I'LL need drastic invasive surgery.' 'I'M losing consciousness.' It's all 'me me me' with those people.

Besides Mrs Palmers wasn't that badly injured and at least Rufus had let go of her face (and as per usual run off to let me take the blame). Of course the police didn't want to hear any of this since they have a new policy of arresting people, gagging them and then locking them in the boot of their squad cars. It seems that this policy only applies to me though as they let Derek waffle on and on with his version of the story and how he didn't think horse collisions were covered under his car insurance.

Typically, Thames Valley Police couldn't press charges because they had no evidence linking me to anything that happened, although Derek had tried to blame me for practically everything that had occurred. Luckily the police couldn't accept these allegations since one of the horses had kicked him in the face and given him a concussion.

And me? Well I just sat there in a trance repeating, 'The jungle came alive and took them' until my mum came to take me home.

Predator. You gotta love that movie.

Even more stuff that'd set IMDB on fire

I've been busy, and coupled with a rabid flippin' koala that thinks he's a facehugger and my still broken DVD player mean that there are no new reviews today. Although I am working on an absolutely kick-ass review (because kicking ass is what I do, just look at my page banner) of 'The Fantastic Mr. Fox' for the Littlehampton Echo. Obviously I can't post it here because someone will steal it and I'll forego my Disneyland Paris holiday.

However, I am going to share another review that IMDB couldn't handle. POW! It was like a punch to the kidneys for them! But I was rather annoyed when they took it down as it was one of my better film reviews, and because they left it up for two years. Oh well. Here it is:

Neonsamurai's 'Free Willy' Review:

Apparently:

‘The koala is a small bear-like, tree-dwelling, herbivorous marsupial which averages about 9kg (20lb) in weight. It's fur is thick and usually ash grey with a tinge of brown in places.'

Well, my description would be this:

‘The Koala is a violent angry creature who normally hides on top of my wardrobe and once jumped on my face and I couldn't pull it off. It has on more than one occasion mistaken a 3lb bag of sugar for cocaine and then went on a rampage through my mothers kitchen.'

Strange isn't it how the reality differs from the magical world of such ‘experts'. Yet to them, koalas are nice, quite creatures that wouldn't hurt a fly, but from personal experience when given some crack they go berserk and bring down aircraft. I'd liked to have seen Derek Palmers from the RSPCA get ‘holier than thou' about animal welfare after Rufus (the koala) threw himself at the bouncer outside Aylesbury's popular nightclub ‘The Lounge' and put the poor guy in hospital. Okay, so I threw Rufus the first part of the way as I drove past, but it was the koala who should be prosecuted for clamping onto the poor guy's face and not letting go until it was tranquillized. And whilst I'm on the subject of 'The Lounge', not wearing trousers is NO reason not to let someone into a nightclub.

But then, as if to rub salt in my wounds I see that Simon Wincer has directed a movie about a boy becoming friends with a killer whale. Apparently, this whale is going to be killed by the evil owners of an aquarium so the boy rescues it. Firstly, how can you become friends with a killer whale? That was stupid. At least in Johnny Mnemonic they had a dolphin with a TV in its face that was addicted to drugs; there was a creature with human failings that I could identify with and want to get to know. But this killer whale (that's right, a killer whale) is nice and kind and innocent. Yeah right, he's so perfect and gentle is he? Then how did he manage to get put in captivity? And how come he's called a killer whale? Well, my only explanation is that Willy is actually retarded, like the whale equivalent of Ang Lee (watch Pete's Dragon Ang! There's actually a dragon in that film!)

Anyway this massive killing machine ‘befriends' this boy who gets upset about the whale's plight. Where was this kid when Jaws was trying to kill the rest of Roy Scheider's family? I know he'd only be about 4, but surely he could have ‘befriended' jaws. Actually, I'm sure he wouldn't have managed, what with Jaws not being a sap like that dullard Willy. I'd like to see them try and put Jaws in an aquarium as well and make him perform tricks. His trick would have been to eat one of those annoying dolphin trainers, and maybe a few members of the audience.

Bah! Who am I kidding? I haven't even seen this movie! I'm just in a bad mood since that bouncer found me and duffed me over.