WTF (x3)?!?!?!?!

Neonsamurai's 'A Fish Called Wanda' review:

Who makes decisions at the BBC? Is it:

a) A board of experts who carefully consider every option.

Or

b) A spaz.

Here's a clue, it's not 'a' and they've probably got stuck in a telephone box this morning. How do I know this (not the telephone box bit, that's just a theory)? Well I'll show you how I know this right here.

Claudia Winkleman has been confirmed as the surprise choice to replace Jonathan Ross on Film 2010.

What? Winkleman? Why? Why choose Winkleman? Oh I know, I'll go check out some her previous film reviews... Oh wait a minute... That's not possible because SHE'S NOT DONE ANY. Whereas I've done OVER 70. This is beyond a debacle. Why on earth would anyone, even someone who is a spaz, choose a non-reviewer with zero experience to helm 'Film 2010'? That duck-obsessed hack Emily Stephenson has more film review experience than Winkleman and even then it's been universally agreed that her review of 'Fantastic Mr. Fox' was rubbish. But let's see what Winkleman has to say for herself:

"I am completely over the moon about being given this enormous
honour and am incredibly proud to be presenting the new look Film 2010. It's an
honour to follow on from the brilliant Jonathan Ross."

Oh of course you're proud and 'over the moon' to be presenting 'Film 2010', and I'm sure I would be the same if I was chosen to host 'Strictly Come Dancing', but I'd also be bloody amazed that they'd chosen me FOR NO APPARENT REASON. Also because I allegedly 'stalked' two of the contestants. Did you even write to the BBC for the job Winkleman? I did and I didn't even get a sodding response. No "we're sorry Neonsamurai, but although you're perfect for the job we're giving it to Winkleman, for no apparent reason", or "no you can't present 'Film 2010' but we'll let you do 'How to Look Good Naked' instead".

Oh and if Ross is so brilliant, how come he never responds to my tweets?

Seeing as the spaz who made this decision made zero effort to research myself, (or I suspect any other film reviewer other than Winkleman, who isn't a film reviewer) I thought I'd post some of the feedback I've had over the years about my film reviews:

"I'm glad the RSPCA had you arrested." Lynlyn81

"You missed the whole point of the film." W4rr10r

"I demand you remove it from the internet at once!" Derek Palmers

"If you email me again I will notify Blogger." JenDZR

"UR mazziv ghey!!!!!!!!!!!!!" BAUER91

Face it, it's a sad day for film reviews everywhere when the person at the helm of the world's greatest film review show knows nothing about films, actors, producing, key grip and all that other stuff they have to do to make a film.

Orca Imposter

As regular readers will know, I'm an open-minded guy who tends to take everyone at face value (NOT YOU JAVIER, YOU'RE A DICK), and I'm willing to accept that we all make mistakes. But what I will not stand for is blatant lying, and like my friend Dave who has the ability to 'scope' a sniper at a thousand metres, I can spot a liar a mile off (which is a figure of speech, not an exact measurement).

So imagine how angry THIS made me.

Ask Shamu? ASK SHAMU? Shamu didn't answer those questions, (unless I'm confused and Shamu is actually a person. But let's be honest, would you call your kid Shamu? It's a worse name than 'Mo' Nique' and sounds like a hair-care product).

Now understand, that I'm not getting angry just because Shamu is a killer whale like 'Free Willy', but because basically somebody is pretending to be somebody they're not. In this case they're pretending to be a bloody-great underwater killing machine. Does anyone reading that website actually believe that those are the answers given by a real orca? If you asked a killer whale any of those questions you definitely wouldn't get a coherent answer:

Q: Why is a killer whale called a killer whale?
A: "SQUEEAAAK! SQUEEAAAK!"

Q: Is the killer whale really a killer?
A: "SQUEEAAAK! ROOOOAAAAAAR!

Q: CHRIST! MY ARM! ARRGH... GLUB! GARGLE!
A: "ROOOOAAAARRRR!"

DON'T DENY THAT WOULDN'T HAPPEN DEREK PALMERS BECAUSE IT DAMN WELL WOULD.

So although I'm not actually reviewing a film today I think it's equally important to tell people that just because something is written on the internet doesn't mean that the person (or black and white carnivorous behemoth) who wrote is actually who they say they are.



Update: Still no twitter response from @Nikolekidman, who apparently 'love Act'.

If it's hot post it on IMDB (not)

Oh dear IMDB. How the mighty have fallen? Why it seems like only yesterday people were visiting your site to get news and reviews on the latest movies. Well since my blog opened up LESS THAN A MONTH AGO those people are coming here. At least I presume they are. I can't check the number of hits I'm getting, but I bet it's well into the thousands.

Anyway, back before people stopped visiting IMDB I wrote some of the best movie reviews they'd ever seen, so good that some of them got removed because of slander or 'not actually reviewing the film'. Luckily I've decided to share some of those reviews that were too revolutionary here on my blog.

Neonsamurai's 'Predator' review:

You'd think people would actually want help at an Anti-Hunt protest wouldn't you? Well that's what I thought, doing my bit for the environment and helping stop foxes go extinct. I've seen 'Predator' and understood the whole anti-hunting message in the film and knew that I had to do what's right for defenceless animals. Also, Rufus had eaten through the roof in the garage and escaped into the fields near Aston Clinton so I had to try and lure him back. I had previously told my mum not to leave boxes of Daz washing power where he could get to them, but oh no. Don't listen to your son will you woman?

I know for a fact that when Rufus has the contents of a family sized box of washing powder inside him, he normally goes looking for real narcotics to eat, but this time he made straight for this group of hunt protesters, and guess who's there? That complete spaz Derek Palmers and his wife, that's who. Well, as soon as I turn up he starts getting all jittery and nervous, telling his wife to sit in the car and lock the doors. I'm trying to explain that Rufus isn't that dangerous unless you make any sudden moves, but will he listen? Seems that Mr 'Don't Feed Koala's Class A Drugs' knows more about marsupials than I do and tells the people giving out RSPCA leaflets not to let me have any, 'Because he'll probably choke on them'.

I ate 3 leaflets just fine WITHOUT CHOKING just to prove a point when we hear the huntsmen approaching and all the protesters start screaming 'Murderers! Murderers!' That must have woken Rufus up or something because we went berserk, big time. Unfortunately Mrs Palmers panicked and couldn't open the car doors quick enough and then the unpleasantness began. To be honest I blame them for leaving their car's sunroof open in the first place.

Now bearing in mind that I am NOWHERE NEAR THE CAR and certainly didn't tell Mrs Palmers to lock herself inside it, whom do you think Derek blames for this? Rufus? Of course not. Yet again I am held responsible for that little Aussie Crack head's actions, even though it is he not I that has clamped onto Mrs Palmer's face. Anyway, she should have stayed put and gone limp (which usually works) but instead she stumbles out of the car and staggers across the field. Now Derek's going crazy at this point but unlike him I've read about the Suffragettes and just assumed that Mrs Palmers was copying Emily Davidson.

Now as I've already made clear, after watching 'Predator' I'd definitely never take part in fox hunting, but if I did and a woman with a koala on her face ran out in front of my horse I wouldn't avoid her by swerving into a crowd of 27 protesters. But clearly what I'd do and what huntsmen do are two entirely different things, particularly when another horse managed to almost jump Derek's car. The important word here is 'almost'.

The fact that at this point the fox hunt officially stopped is a good thing in my opinion, which you'd think the hunt protesters would thank me for. Well guess again because those lazy soap dodgers were showing their true colours, which was to curse and scream at me. Some thanks eh? Although I suppose that I should be thankful that they weren't all screaming at me, some of them were being far too self obsessed for that: 'I'VE broken MY leg.' 'Call ME an ambulance.' 'I'LL need drastic invasive surgery.' 'I'M losing consciousness.' It's all 'me me me' with those people.

Besides Mrs Palmers wasn't that badly injured and at least Rufus had let go of her face (and as per usual run off to let me take the blame). Of course the police didn't want to hear any of this since they have a new policy of arresting people, gagging them and then locking them in the boot of their squad cars. It seems that this policy only applies to me though as they let Derek waffle on and on with his version of the story and how he didn't think horse collisions were covered under his car insurance.

Typically, Thames Valley Police couldn't press charges because they had no evidence linking me to anything that happened, although Derek had tried to blame me for practically everything that had occurred. Luckily the police couldn't accept these allegations since one of the horses had kicked him in the face and given him a concussion.

And me? Well I just sat there in a trance repeating, 'The jungle came alive and took them' until my mum came to take me home.

Predator. You gotta love that movie.

Even more stuff that'd set IMDB on fire

I've been busy, and coupled with a rabid flippin' koala that thinks he's a facehugger and my still broken DVD player mean that there are no new reviews today. Although I am working on an absolutely kick-ass review (because kicking ass is what I do, just look at my page banner) of 'The Fantastic Mr. Fox' for the Littlehampton Echo. Obviously I can't post it here because someone will steal it and I'll forego my Disneyland Paris holiday.

However, I am going to share another review that IMDB couldn't handle. POW! It was like a punch to the kidneys for them! But I was rather annoyed when they took it down as it was one of my better film reviews, and because they left it up for two years. Oh well. Here it is:

Neonsamurai's 'Free Willy' Review:

Apparently:

‘The koala is a small bear-like, tree-dwelling, herbivorous marsupial which averages about 9kg (20lb) in weight. It's fur is thick and usually ash grey with a tinge of brown in places.'

Well, my description would be this:

‘The Koala is a violent angry creature who normally hides on top of my wardrobe and once jumped on my face and I couldn't pull it off. It has on more than one occasion mistaken a 3lb bag of sugar for cocaine and then went on a rampage through my mothers kitchen.'

Strange isn't it how the reality differs from the magical world of such ‘experts'. Yet to them, koalas are nice, quite creatures that wouldn't hurt a fly, but from personal experience when given some crack they go berserk and bring down aircraft. I'd liked to have seen Derek Palmers from the RSPCA get ‘holier than thou' about animal welfare after Rufus (the koala) threw himself at the bouncer outside Aylesbury's popular nightclub ‘The Lounge' and put the poor guy in hospital. Okay, so I threw Rufus the first part of the way as I drove past, but it was the koala who should be prosecuted for clamping onto the poor guy's face and not letting go until it was tranquillized. And whilst I'm on the subject of 'The Lounge', not wearing trousers is NO reason not to let someone into a nightclub.

But then, as if to rub salt in my wounds I see that Simon Wincer has directed a movie about a boy becoming friends with a killer whale. Apparently, this whale is going to be killed by the evil owners of an aquarium so the boy rescues it. Firstly, how can you become friends with a killer whale? That was stupid. At least in Johnny Mnemonic they had a dolphin with a TV in its face that was addicted to drugs; there was a creature with human failings that I could identify with and want to get to know. But this killer whale (that's right, a killer whale) is nice and kind and innocent. Yeah right, he's so perfect and gentle is he? Then how did he manage to get put in captivity? And how come he's called a killer whale? Well, my only explanation is that Willy is actually retarded, like the whale equivalent of Ang Lee (watch Pete's Dragon Ang! There's actually a dragon in that film!)

Anyway this massive killing machine ‘befriends' this boy who gets upset about the whale's plight. Where was this kid when Jaws was trying to kill the rest of Roy Scheider's family? I know he'd only be about 4, but surely he could have ‘befriended' jaws. Actually, I'm sure he wouldn't have managed, what with Jaws not being a sap like that dullard Willy. I'd like to see them try and put Jaws in an aquarium as well and make him perform tricks. His trick would have been to eat one of those annoying dolphin trainers, and maybe a few members of the audience.

Bah! Who am I kidding? I haven't even seen this movie! I'm just in a bad mood since that bouncer found me and duffed me over.

Still too Hot for IMDB

What's that IMDB? You can't take the heat? Well get out of my kitchen! Unbelievably I had this review removed from IMDB, probably after the film industry pressured them. To be honest I had a feeling my victimisation went all the way to the top. But it's back here on my new blog wher I'm not afraid to hit you with the real facts about movies.

NeonSamurai's 'Silence of the Lambs' Review:

As I type this I am seething, that's right SEETHING with anger over this debacle of a movie. Who are these movie execs who decide that names of films and market them accordingly? Well I wish I knew because right now I feel a severe BUTT KICKING coming on!

‘Silence of the Lambs.' SILENCE OF THE FREAKING LAMBS?!?!?! There where no lambs in it and the film had sound! I told this girl I met on the Internet that I was cultured and liked loads of films, particularly the classics. She told me she liked the old black and white silent films. Looking in the paper I found that my local cinema was doing a special showing of a film called ‘Silence of the Lambs' so I naturally thought this'd be right up her street and arranged a date with her, saying that I knew a cinema showing some old classics. We agreed to meet there and I even had a bath.

Well she turns up at the cinema and starts screaming. So do some other women as well. APPARENTLY ‘Silence of the Lambs' is a horror film and really scary. It must have been REALLY scary because the film hadn't even started; yet she was screaming and acting all hysterical. In fact we where still in the foyer! So there I was trying to calm her down when the manager of the cinema started shouting something like `Oh god! He's back again!' and suddenly the Police canine response unit shows up, and I had to lock myself in a toilet cubicle.

Needless to say my evening was ruined (although the girl from the Internet was ugly and had one eye bigger than the other, so maybe I had a lucky escape) and I had to jump out of the toilet window to avoid arrest.

So why the hell would someone make a film so scary that before women have even seen it they start screaming, yet give it a name involving lambs? What's next? ‘Fluffy Bunny Josie', a film that turns out to be about a flesh eating virus, or ‘Cuddly Bear and the Munchkins' that's about something so hideous I can't even imagine it? I could have had sex with a real person if this film hadn't been so badly marketed!

And whilst were on the subject of marketing how come the poster for it said things like `…True horror…': Empire Magazine, `…Chilling…' Time Out and `A master of terror': New York Times. Why don't they put things I say about the films on the posters? `The Director of this film is stalking me': Neonsamurai, `Where's my love and respect?': Neonsamurai and `Derek Palmers is a spazmo!': Neonsamurai.

I'll tell you why they wouldn't do that, because they can't handle my no-nonsense film review skills. I don't go on about juxtapositions or metaphors, I just cut to the chase with phrases like `Ang Lee is a retard' or `Rosie O'Donnell has a deformed head'. And guess what? I didn't even go to university. Well, I did go to university for a while until I was reported to campus security for scaring some of the female students. What's so scary about a naked man? I see myself naked in the mirror most mornings, but I don't call the police. I guess that's because I'm not ‘educated' like those girls in Cambridge, or a cinema manager.

I'm sure that movie studios would like me to sum up this film in a word so that they can put on the poster in order to fool people into thinking it was a good film, but I'm not going to. I don't want Sony or Tri Star or whoever made this god-awful excuse for a piece of classic cinema (it's not even in black and white!) an option to mislead the public any further. Instead I'm going to give you a list of some of the most outrageous, trumped up charges that Thames Valley Police have brought against me in recent weeks. Let's see them put these on a movie poster!!

- Failure to wear trousers in the presence of the mayor

- Throwing a marsupial at a nightclub security guard

- Attempting to fake own death for benefit fraud

- Ram raiding the Aylesbury RSPCA offices in a milk float