Showing posts with label Lovejoy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lovejoy. Show all posts

Friday, 26 March 2010

Gulf War

You know who women can't get enough of?

Hugh Grant.

Why's he so special? It's not like he's Steven Segal or Chuck Norris who can both seriously kick ass. It just seems to me that Grant doesn't bring that much to the table. Other than perhaps the fact that he's English, which women seem to love. I'm English and it doesn't work for me.

I'll bet if a woman came home and found Hugh Grant in her house she'd be over-the-moon, but in a similar situation involving myself they call the police. Why? I'm not sure exactly what the 'special something' that Grant seemingly has that I don't is, but evidently it's important enough that he doesn't have to spend 36 hours in police custody. Apart from that time with the prostitute of course.

I think that the main problem is that most women in the UK are mental. Not as mental as Abigail (who is back at the clinic and just weeping all the sodding time) but maybe 60% wrong-in-the-head. Imagine you're a woman and you're looking for a man, logically you'd choose the one who liked the same things that you did (your underwear, getting naked, watching people, movies, etc). Does Hugh Grant like any of those things? I'd imagine he probably doesn't and yet women persist in liking him. I see nothing special about him ergo: women are psychotic.

As if to underline this fact with a big, thick permanent marker there has to date only been 1 (non-valid) entry in the heavily publicised 'Win a Date with Neonsamurai' competition, which includes free food and maybe bus fare (depending on location).

WOMEN: ARE YOU MENTAL? PROVE YOU'RE NOT BY ENTERING MY COMPETITION FOR SEX

Neonsamurai's 'Weapons of the Gulf War' Review:

Using a currently untapped goldmine of successful and (mostly) unheard of films from popular high street eBay precursor Scope, I have obtained a film not about people, but weapons. Whilst this may sound 'cute' like 'Toy Story' it's certainly not, giving you hard facts about the hardware that was used in the first Gulf conflict. Also it's just the ones the Americans used.

Really, they just talk about guns, planes, bombs, tank and battleships. It's alright. Not much of a storyline, except how the Americans won.

No Oscars for this one either. It's too much like 'Tim Lovejoy's Football Heroes', except without Tim Lovejoy (who's very talented) which counts against it.

Monday, 22 March 2010

No More Heroes Anymore

Neonsamurai's 'Tim Lovejoy's Football Heroes' Review:

Well this wasn't what I'd expected. I enjoyed 'Shaolin Soccer' and thought that this was more of the same. It's not. It's just Tim Lovejoy interviewing some pensioners and showing lots of stock footage of boring football matches. Sure, it only cost me 99p from Scope, but I was at least hoping for some kung fu action or some back-flips. If Tim Lovejoy had lunged across the room and chopped Jimmy Greaves across the throat I might have enjoyed it.

Lovejoy: "I've got one last question Greavesie and that's... HIYAAAAAH!"

Greaves: "URK!... GACK!... Windpipe..."

But he didn't.

Now normally this sort of thing would make me VERY angry, because to me a 'hero' is somebody who uses violence to beat somebody up who basically deserves it. But I decided to look up the word 'hero' just to see if there are any other uses for it. Here's what I found:
1. a man distinguished by exceptional courage, nobility, fortitude, etc.
2. a man who is idealized for possessing superior qualities in any field
3. (Myth & Legend / Classical Myth & Legend) Classical myth a being of extraordinary strength and courage, often the offspring of a mortal and a god, who is celebrated for his exploits
4. the principal male character in a novel, play, etc.
Notice how I have highlighted point number 2. A man who possesses superior qualities in any field. So I guess that Tim Lovejoy is correct and that these men who were really good at football can technically be called 'heroes'. But then I'm one of the best film reviewers around (probably best in England, for sure) so I guess that would make ME a hero. A film review hero.

I'm also sort of the principle male character on this blog, so it sort of counts twice.

Anyway I'm not going to give 'Tim Lovejoy's Football Heroes' an oscar, because it's not very good, and the storyline is weak.

Besides, since I got my new DVD player I've got better things to be doing than Writing DVD reviews.