You read that right I got no Valentines this year. To be honest that's the norm, but I know what you're thinking “Neonsamurai, you've got you own blog and write some really intelligent film reviews, women must be constantly chasing after you.” Well that's what I would have thought too, but it's literally the opposite situation, which was why I got a police caution last week.
I'm actually getting pretty sick of all the effort I put into meeting women; watching them, approaching them, following them, photographing them, following them a bit faster as they begin to run, etc. I probably put in a good 20-30 hours a week in my pursuit of women, more than I've seen any man in a movie do. Normally they literally bump into women on the street and five minutes later they're in a cooky relationship that ends with him rushing in to stop her marrying her rich but mean boyfriend. I've tried bumping into women. In Aylesbury I spent a whole hour bumping into women in Hale Leys until security guards escorted me out and I even ran into a random wedding shouting “I LOVE YOU”. But then I saw the bride looked a bit like a frog, so I legged it.
Well I've had enough of this so I've decided to turn the tables, a bit like Mel Gibson did in 'Ransom'. No I'm not offering money if you bring me women (although I've not entirely ruled that out), but I'm starting up a competition for women to enter in order to sleep with me! I got the idea from that film review competition I'm going to win. Here's the details:
WIN A DATE WITH NEONSAMURAI
Are you a hot, sexy lady (aged 18 – 35) who maybe used to be a model, a dancer or a famous actress*? If so you could win a date with Littlehampton's premier film reviewer Neonsamurai, and then maybe have sex with him. To win this coveted prize simply answer the following questions:
1) You are at a local Harvester restaurant when your dates' trousers fall off. Do you:
a) Ignore it. This probably happens to lots of men.
b) Politely point out his trousers have fallen off, which doesn't spoil the meal at all.
c) Storm out.
d) Shriek hysterically because clearly it's the worst thing in the world and you're mental.
e) Call the police who use a taser on the man as he tries to climb out of the toilet window, causing him to get stuck and then they have to call the fire brigade.
2) After the date you notice that the man you were with has somehow broken into your flat and is in your bedroom. Do you:
a) Become intrigued by this mysterious intruder.
b) Say that you had a lovely dinner and maybe he should give you a call tomorrow to arrange another date.
c) Demand to know what he is doing wearing your underwear and insist he leaves.
d) Go mental, because you've obviously NEVER had a strange man in your bedroom before.
e) Knee the man in the groin then call the police. Then call an ambulance when he tries to escape and falls into the greenhouse of the man downstairs who used to be in the Royal Marine Commandos and has a very short temper.
3) A few days later you are at a bus stop when you hear someone close behind you whisper “Hello my darling” in your ear. Do you:
a) Immediately turn around and hug the handsome, mysterious man you went on a date with.
b) Maybe take a few steps away and make an excuse about why you haven't called.
c) Continue running because he's caught up with you.
d) Start shouting for help, because a man is near you. Is that against the law? No it's not you retard. You're the one who needs help.
e) Use that (illegal) mace spray that your dad gave you on the man and as he's covering his eyes knee him in his already sore crotch and tell him if you ever see him again you'll tell former Sergeant Sykes where he lives.
In the case of a tie breaker please complete (in no more than fifty words) the following sentence: “I would really enjoy a date with Neonsamurai because...” Bonus points will be awarded for using the words sex, underwear and 'will not call the police'.
Please post your answers in the comments box below and if I'm interested I'll ask you to send me a picture, because I'm not dating munters.
Terms and conditions: Entrants must be not be old and gross or mental in anyway. They must not complain about the choice of food at the Little Chef or order anything too expensive as I'm on the dole at the moment. I also reserve the right to take out a few girls on dates if they're really attractive.
*Not Nicole Kidman.