Kick Ass? More like 'Nothing to do with my website' Ass.

Nope. That's not me.

Natalia hasn't been online for a few days now so I decided to post my review of 'Kick Ass', which I watched with Dave back in April. I warn you now it's not what I'd expected and I feel very let down by the movie. I also want to reiterate to any women out there that the competition to win a date with NeonSamurai is now over and you lost. If you wind up alone, surrounded by dozens of cats wondering why you're single don't come crying to me, because I'll be too busy having sex with a real woman who looks like a blonde Angelina Jolie. Although she has said she'll have a threesome with another woman if I want, so maybe contact me and I'll see what I can arrange. Obviously subject to what you look like.

Neonsamurai's 'Kick Ass' Review:

Did anybody else notice that within months of me getting a web address called neonsamurai.kicks-ass.net a superhero movie gets rushed into our cinemas? Is it a co-incidence? Well being the open-minded guy that I am I thought I that somebody had finally read my blog and IMDB reviews and though "this guy sounds awesome. Let's make a movie about him."

And why shouldn't they? They make movies about that smug bastard John Nash, who sits in his huge mansion chuckling about how clever he is and how he knows the secret to having sex with women. Ooh good for you Nash. Ooh we're all so happy you won a nobel prize and get to sleep with Jennifer Connelly, whenever and however you sodding want to. I've NEVER had sex with Jennifer Connelly or a woman who looks like Jennifer Connelly. I once nearly had sex with a woman who looked a bit like Sloth from 'Goonies', but a police canine unit showed up and I had to run for it.

So I go to watch 'Kick Ass' without any preconceived ideas about how they're going to portray me. Well firstly they'd changed my name, and made me American, but I've seen 'High Fidelity' and I know that they've probably done this to appeal to the American market, so I let it slide. 'I' wear glasses (good, well done) and although they've increase my number of friends by approximately 100% one of them sort of looks like Dave, but slimmer, and without his AC/DC T shirts or his beard. He drinks coffee (LIKE I USED TO UNTIL COSTA 'MUST BE FULLY DRESSED' COFFEE DECIDED TO BAN ME), researches womens bodies online and hasn't got a girlfriend.

But the rest of it is all nonsense. I've never fought crime as a superhero, there are no film reviews, no koalas, RSPCA interventions, mentions of my blog, emergency marsupial-related forced-landings, hunt sabotage, witness relocation programs, milk float kamikaze runs and that dick Javier trying to borrow money off me (I'M UNEMPLOYED JAVIER YOU SPAZ! JUST LIKE YOU ARE!)

I mean have they even read any of my stuff? It's almost like the producers, directors and writers were completely oblivious to any of my work. Now let's be honest, if you're going to try and make an autobiographical film then reading up on your subject is the absolute minimum research you should be doing. But, no, they practically make the whole thing up.

That's fine if you're making a film like 'The Patriot', but if it's meant to be based on a contemporary character (i.e. me) then you must do research. Have I ever fought crime dressed in a green costume (which is actually the whole point of the movie)? Erm... No! Although I have considered it.

So in summary don't go and watch the Neonsamurai autobiographical movie 'Kick Ass' because it's not about me.

Competition OVER

Is your girlfriend this beautiful? No. But mine is. Ha!

That's right 'ladies' the competition to win a date with me is over. It has ended and you've all lost. You had your chance to enter and you all blew it through either ineptitude, laziness or because you can't speak English. Those are your problems, not mine. And guess what? Your failings cost you a free meal, sex and possibly bus fare home (depending on location).

But I honestly could not care less, because I'm in love.

You see, love transcends all nationalities, languages and psychiatric problems, which is why I will be marrying the beautiful Natalia Tarasov, probably next month when I've got my loan confirmed. And yes, I know that those pictures on her website are actually of Angelina Jolie, but as she doesn't own a digital camera she had to find pictures on the internet, and Jolie looks the most like her (although apparently her hair is blonde and she's got bigger boobs).

Like all couples who fall in love we've got quite a funny story about how we met. I was on the internet doing some research and stumbled upon her website. What are to odds of that? There are literally billions of websites and I found hers. I've probably got more chance of being hit by a bus, than something like that happening. I read her description and pretty much fell in love right there, without even speaking to her! How amazing is that? So I emailed her and apparently I'm just the kind of man she likes, even after I sent her my photograph! So now we're in love.
She likes everything I like, as well as animals, dancing, singing and living in England, which I'm okay with. When you're in love to have to compromise, although I don't like dancing. I tried body-popping in Hale Leys once as a form of busking, when an ambulance turned up to deal with a 'seizure'. There were also some cops as well, but that was an unrelated issue concerning stolen underwear.

But Natalia is the main reason I've not updated my blog in so long, because I'll often spend hours talking with her on MSN and have got better things to be doing than posting reviews that this guy then rips off. I might start doing reviews again when we're married, but only because Natalia says that she enjoys reading them. In fact, she says that she might be able to get me a job working for the premier Russian film review magazine, because she knows someone there. The magazine is called Russian Film Magazine.

Unfortunately Natalia can't change her website to say she's engaged to me, since she lost her password, but she says she's 100% in love with me and will be flying over as soon as she has the money.

Gulf War

You know who women can't get enough of?

Hugh Grant.

Why's he so special? It's not like he's Steven Segal or Chuck Norris who can both seriously kick ass. It just seems to me that Grant doesn't bring that much to the table. Other than perhaps the fact that he's English, which women seem to love. I'm English and it doesn't work for me.

I'll bet if a woman came home and found Hugh Grant in her house she'd be over-the-moon, but in a similar situation involving myself they call the police. Why? I'm not sure exactly what the 'special something' that Grant seemingly has that I don't is, but evidently it's important enough that he doesn't have to spend 36 hours in police custody. Apart from that time with the prostitute of course.

I think that the main problem is that most women in the UK are mental. Not as mental as Abigail (who is back at the clinic and just weeping all the sodding time) but maybe 60% wrong-in-the-head. Imagine you're a woman and you're looking for a man, logically you'd choose the one who liked the same things that you did (your underwear, getting naked, watching people, movies, etc). Does Hugh Grant like any of those things? I'd imagine he probably doesn't and yet women persist in liking him. I see nothing special about him ergo: women are psychotic.

As if to underline this fact with a big, thick permanent marker there has to date only been 1 (non-valid) entry in the heavily publicised 'Win a Date with Neonsamurai' competition, which includes free food and maybe bus fare (depending on location).

WOMEN: ARE YOU MENTAL? PROVE YOU'RE NOT BY ENTERING MY COMPETITION FOR SEX

Neonsamurai's 'Weapons of the Gulf War' Review:

Using a currently untapped goldmine of successful and (mostly) unheard of films from popular high street eBay precursor Scope, I have obtained a film not about people, but weapons. Whilst this may sound 'cute' like 'Toy Story' it's certainly not, giving you hard facts about the hardware that was used in the first Gulf conflict. Also it's just the ones the Americans used.

Really, they just talk about guns, planes, bombs, tank and battleships. It's alright. Not much of a storyline, except how the Americans won.

No Oscars for this one either. It's too much like 'Tim Lovejoy's Football Heroes', except without Tim Lovejoy (who's very talented) which counts against it.

Competition Update #2:

There's still a particularly small number of entries in the 'Win a Date with Neonsamurai' competition, which is possibly the most romantic competition ever devised. I expect this is down to the basic incompetence of those who are attempting to enter (I won't judge you harshly for that), so I have decided to post more basic guidelines for potential contestants. Please see here for a previous update.

6) The competition has now been opened to women who aren't dancers, models or actresses, although the requirement to be really attractive is still an important factor. You will need to provide proof of your beauty.

7) Upon entry to 'Chick n' Fish' please be aware that you are not to engage in conversation with Javier. He doesn't work there but he's always in the restaurant and I think he's a tramp, or an alcoholic or something. I spoke to him once and now he thinks we're friends, and we're certainly not.

8) If you've entered and successfully won the competition, you can' then request a picture of me and then email me back saying that you really don't want to be in the competition any more. Once you're in you're in and you have to come to Littlehampton and let me buy you a meal. It is not negotiable. Any future competitors must supply a full name and address so that I can come and get you.

Come on ladies, I'm sure that there were loads of you who felt left out because you weren't a dancer, model or actress who really wanted some free food and maybe some sex. If you enter before the end of March I'll even throw in your bus fare home.*


*Only for contestants living in the Middleton-on-Sea, Littlehampton or Worthing area.

WTF (x 2)?!?!?!

What in the name of Hitlers ring-piece does the Echo think it's doing? Firstly they promote a competition with scant information on the rules, engineering it so the few members of the 'elite' under 12 film review society (which must number about five) can enter. They then declare Emily Stephenson the winner of this tuppeny-ha'penny charade that claims to be a competition!

She's not even a proper film reviewer, she's a sodding wannabe vet! AVET! What's next? Are we going to see plumbers writing opinion columns or maybe hairdressers running the classifieds? I've read her review and it was rubbish. It wasn't edgy or engaging, and you certainly didn't come away afterwards having your very way of life challenged (THAT'S RIGHT GOTHS, DRACULA WAS A RETARD. YOU DON'T SCARE ME), in the same way that my reviews do. Hers was, at best, pedestrian and she won a trip to Disneyland. I WANTED TO GO TO DISNEYLAND.

Let's cut to the chase here; she won because she's cute, and she's got a duck. I can take the truth and maybe if the Echo had said "hey Neon. Brilliant review. Yes that fox was a selfish spaz, and his wife did look like a men's club's bog brush. But you know what? We wanted the winner to be cute and holding poultry", I'd have been cool with that.

They didn't though, did they? The bastards.

But it's not the Echo I feel sorry for, it's Emily 'the Vet' Stephenson. Imagine if she read this article and thought "hmm... Maybe I could do what Jonathan Ross does and present 'Film 2010'" and so she writes in the to the BBC, only for them to completely ignore her letter. BOOM! There goes her childhood right there. BANG. Destroyed in a second because someone at the Echo (probably Sonja Wade) decided she'd let a child think she could write a film review.

WRONG!

Face it Littlehampton Echo, your publication is on the rocks and if your readership was in jeopardy of leaving imagine how they're going to react when they read this.

Guest Reviewer: Dave

Today I'm featuring a review by my friend Dave, because to be perfectly honest I'm still too angry at the whole Littlehampton Film Review competition debacle. Initially he didn't want to do it, because 'writing is for benders' but he agreed when I said I'd give him the details of some of the women who enter my 'Win a date with Neonsamurai' competition. The film he's reviewed is one we've seen 3 times already, that's how good it is, but I decided to ask Dave to review it because he's got links with the Mafia and owns a belt that used to belong to Al Capone. He's also good to have around when we watch films with killing in, because he's ex special forces and knows if a film is realistic or not. He once knocked out a bouncer at a club because he wouldn't let a girl in because her skirt was too short, and then she had sex with him to say thanks.

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. By guest reviewer Dave.

If somthing like this was going down on my manor I'd know about it, becaurse street smarts is what I'm about. That's why Neol asked me to write a review about it, becaurse I know how these geezers think. Ask anyone at the bus depot were I work and theyll tell you that I'm a man who nose that not nowing something will get you bumped off. 'Bumped off' means killed. I'm not a gayer.

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels is a complicatted plot about what happens in the East End of London. Theres these 4 freids who are like brothers who pay their mate to take part in a poker game to win loads of money, but the game is fixed and he has to pay back money they havnt got. If someone trys to con like that go for the bigest guy there and taken him head on in a fite. That is what you now if youve been in the military. Crooks rezpect strength.

So to get the money before they get bumped off they plan to rob some money from some robbers who are planning to rob from some ponces who grow weed. Weed is another name for heroine which is what they call it on the street. The ponces are well stupid and probably all benders.

Also there is a gangster called 'Harry the Hatcher' who wants some guns stolen which are worth thousands of pownds, which is why it's called Lockstock and Two Smoking Barells, because those are parts of a gun. Other bits are the clip, sites, triger, sholder pad and the cocker.

I won't spoil the film by telling you the story, but it's funyy,violent and well acted. Its not orthentic though as the axents were all wrong and if any of that had happened rownd here I'd have sorted it out properly, gangland stile. I now people who can sort stuff owt and I'v been know to step in if the situation is right.

Also Neol's upset that only one of you birds has entered his competition. If you win you get free food and sex, so you must be all stuck up and married to ponces if you havent entered.

Rezpect.

W.T.F?!?

What the HELL does the Littlehampton Echo think it's doing? Read this:



Under 12? UNDER 12? A film review competition only open to people too young to even buy pornography? What kind of dullard thought that up? And why didn't they mention it on the front of the paper, rather than halfway through the competition details? It took me a whole weekend to write that film review, and I could have spent that time doing something much more constructive, like helping my neighbours move house.

Not that they'd actually accept my help. Not since my 'hiding in the boot of Lorraine's car' prank caused so much fuss. Can nobody take a joke these days? Oh but I bet if I was under 12, it would have been funny. Everyone would have had a good laugh about it. Ha ha ha! Yes a 12 year old with a hockey mask jumping out of the car boot is soooo funny. Lorraine wouldn't even give me a lift home and I only live next door! I had to walk sodding miles as it was the middle of nowhere. Lorraine and Matt were a lot more friendly when they first moved in.

That's what I could have been doing Littlehampton Echo, I could have been helping people, rather than writing film reviews for your stupid newspaper. Well I hope you're happy with yourselves. Rest assured I shall never read your newspaper again, and I also encourage my readers to follow suit.

Competition update:

I think there's been a bit of confusion over the 'Win a Date With Neonsamurai' competition, so I'll just clarify a few things:

1) To enter the competition you need to answer the questions in the comments section on the competition page here. I think some of you ladies must have mistakenly posted you answers and details somewhere else. I know that women are a bit scatty sometimes, but I won't hold that against you in this competition. Unless you're god-awful ugly.

2) Due to a recent incident with the manager of the Little Chef, the venue has been changed to the Littlehampton 'Chick 'n Fish' eatery on the High Street. You can have literally anything on the menu, within reason.

3) During the date I will decide if I want to have sex with you, then we'll go back to your place. Just because you have won a date with me it doesn't mean you've automatically won the chance to have sex with me.

4) No police women.

5) If anyone has been speaking to my parole officer back in Aylesbury then don't listen to anything he says. The man's delusional. If I was his boss I'd fire him and then employ someone who isn't a complete tool.

There's no official closing date for this competition, but if you enter early you'll probably have a better chance of winning. Although don't be put off if you've seen that there are loads of entries either as there can be more than one winner.

Win a Date with Neonsamurai

Guess how many Valentines cards I got? Go on guess.

ZERO

You read that right I got no Valentines this year. To be honest that's the norm, but I know what you're thinking “Neonsamurai, you've got you own blog and write some really intelligent film reviews, women must be constantly chasing after you.” Well that's what I would have thought too, but it's literally the opposite situation, which was why I got a police caution last week.

I'm actually getting pretty sick of all the effort I put into meeting women; watching them, approaching them, following them, photographing them, following them a bit faster as they begin to run, etc. I probably put in a good 20-30 hours a week in my pursuit of women, more than I've seen any man in a movie do. Normally they literally bump into women on the street and five minutes later they're in a cooky relationship that ends with him rushing in to stop her marrying her rich but mean boyfriend. I've tried bumping into women. In Aylesbury I spent a whole hour bumping into women in Hale Leys until security guards escorted me out and I even ran into a random wedding shouting “I LOVE YOU”. But then I saw the bride looked a bit like a frog, so I legged it.

Well I've had enough of this so I've decided to turn the tables, a bit like Mel Gibson did in 'Ransom'. No I'm not offering money if you bring me women (although I've not entirely ruled that out), but I'm starting up a competition for women to enter in order to sleep with me! I got the idea from that film review competition I'm going to win. Here's the details:

WIN A DATE WITH NEONSAMURAI

Are you a hot, sexy lady (aged 18 – 35) who maybe used to be a model, a dancer or a famous actress*? If so you could win a date with Littlehampton's premier film reviewer Neonsamurai, and then maybe have sex with him. To win this coveted prize simply answer the following questions:


1) You are at a local Harvester restaurant when your dates' trousers fall off. Do you:

a) Ignore it. This probably happens to lots of men.
b) Politely point out his trousers have fallen off, which doesn't spoil the meal at all.
c) Storm out.
d) Shriek hysterically because clearly it's the worst thing in the world and you're mental.
e) Call the police who use a taser on the man as he tries to climb out of the toilet window, causing him to get stuck and then they have to call the fire brigade.

2) After the date you notice that the man you were with has somehow broken into your flat and is in your bedroom. Do you:

a) Become intrigued by this mysterious intruder.
b) Say that you had a lovely dinner and maybe he should give you a call tomorrow to arrange another date.
c) Demand to know what he is doing wearing your underwear and insist he leaves.
d) Go mental, because you've obviously NEVER had a strange man in your bedroom before.
e) Knee the man in the groin then call the police. Then call an ambulance when he tries to escape and falls into the greenhouse of the man downstairs who used to be in the Royal Marine Commandos and has a very short temper.

3) A few days later you are at a bus stop when you hear someone close behind you whisper “Hello my darling” in your ear. Do you:

a) Immediately turn around and hug the handsome, mysterious man you went on a date with.
b) Maybe take a few steps away and make an excuse about why you haven't called.
c) Continue running because he's caught up with you.
d) Start shouting for help, because a man is near you. Is that against the law? No it's not you retard. You're the one who needs help.
e) Use that (illegal) mace spray that your dad gave you on the man and as he's covering his eyes knee him in his already sore crotch and tell him if you ever see him again you'll tell former Sergeant Sykes where he lives.

In the case of a tie breaker please complete (in no more than fifty words) the following sentence: “I would really enjoy a date with Neonsamurai because...” Bonus points will be awarded for using the words sex, underwear and 'will not call the police'.

Please post your answers in the comments box below and if I'm interested I'll ask you to send me a picture, because I'm not dating munters.



Terms and conditions: Entrants must be not be old and gross or mental in anyway. They must not complain about the choice of food at the Little Chef or order anything too expensive as I'm on the dole at the moment. I also reserve the right to take out a few girls on dates if they're really attractive.

*Not Nicole Kidman.

Competition

Did you see that? A film review competition! This'll be like taking candy from a baby!

Inside the Littlehampton Echo it reads:

“To celebrate the release of 'Fantastic Mr. Fox' on DVD this March, Blackbuster is giving away 10 iPods as runner up prizes with one lucky winner getting an all expenses paid trip to Disneyland Paris for with their parents. All you need to do is write a film review of 'Fantastic Mr. Fox' of no more than 200 words beginning with 'I really enjoyed Fantastic Mr. Fox because...' The best 10 will be published in the Littlehampton Echo along with the overall winner.”

Talk about easy. I've reviewed literally dozens of films, some being very intellectual, so writing a review of a kids film will be a piece of cake. Not that I've actually seen the film, but that's never stopped me in the past. Besides, I can use the internet to look up what the film's about and just expand on that. Here's what I just found on IMDB:

“Mr. Fox and his wife Felicity Fox sneak into a hen house to steal chickens. They're caught in a cage on the way out because Mr. Fox sees a trap and can't resist the temptation to spring it. As they hear someone coming, Mrs. Fox reveals that she's pregnant and makes Mr. Fox promise that if they get away, he'll give up raiding farms.”

Okay so Mr. Fox is the kind of person too lazy to work for a living and steals from hard working farmers to pay for (amongst other things) a wedding to Mrs. Fox, who thinks bringing a child into a criminal family is a good idea. Christ. I've not even seen this film and I already hate these two. And I'll bet a selfish woman like that wanted a big wedding, so they must have stolen loads of chickens to finance it. I wonder how many farmers went bankrupt thanks to Mr & Mrs Fox eh? I wonder if they go into that in the film? At one point I'll bet one of the farmers went to the police and Mr. Fox went around with a baseball bat and kneecapped him, just to keep him quiet.

Also what kind of a name is 'Mr. Fox'? Correct me if I'm wrong, but there's more than a couple of foxes in the world, there's bloody loads of them. Do they all have the surname 'Fox'? There are billions of humans in the world but we don't all have the surname 'Human', that'd be retarded. And if a fox gives up 'raiding farms' what's he going to do instead? Become a writer?

“Cut to a few years later: the Foxes evidently escaped and now live underground with their slightly odd son, Ash. Mr. Fox is working a safe job as a journalist.”

What? He's a sodding fox. How'd he get a job writing for a magazine when I can't? This film sounds awful. I'm going to write such a scathing review that the Littlehampton Echo won't know what hit 'em. I'm not about to promote a film about a reformed criminal thug and his loose-knickered moll lying low as they plot to ruin the lives of some hard-working farmers.

I've always wanted to go Euro Disney, but I won't be taking my parents with me though. Don't want them cramping my style.