Predators Review

Actors in 'Predators'.

Oh look I'm reviewing a film! Somebody call the police because that must be a crime!

Just for the record I was going to post this anyway, so don't think it's because of certain people making stupid comments.

Neonsamurai's 'Predators' Review:

Just imagine for one minute that you're a professional killer, like my mate Dave. One minute you're in Curry's playing on their Xbox 360, the next minute you're falling out of the sky over the jungle. That's pretty terrifying right? Well what about if once you landed in the jungle you had to then fight alien monsters?! That's really scary.

How do I know? Well because Dave and myself saw this at the weekend and I thought it was brilliant. One Chinese bloke fights a Predator with a samurai sword! How cool is that? But Dave kept on going out to the toilet when all the scary bits came on the screen, which I thought was unusual for somebody who had to fight rogue cyborgs in Bedford when he was in Team Extreme. However, afterwards Dave said it was because of post traumatic stress disorder, due to the film's extreme realism.

Also, as Dave pointed out, if what happened in the film was real, he'd be a prime candidate to be abducted by the Predators. Dave sleeps in the nude, so he was worried he'd end up being chased around the jungle in the nuddy by Predators. However, he'd also noted several weaknesses the alien hunters have, which he'd exploit in order to defeat them, even if he was naked. He can't help doing this, as it was part of his special forces training.

Here's an article by Dave's of the Predators weaknesses that he'd use against them in an ironic twist, turning them from the hunter to the hunted:

Alrirte? Dave hear with my list of how to defeat Predaters. In the filmthey seem hard, but thats becarse they were fighting acters and not real specail forces soldiers like I was once.

• Headaches: If they only see in all of them funny colours all the time then they must have headaches all the time. The last thing youy want when youve got a headache are bright lites and loud music. That'd make them go mental.So I'd walk around with a getto blaster and some torches, flushing them out of cover.
  
• No clothes: Predators wear noffing. Which means that they might get cold if you hid in a cave, or by the sea of something. A cold soldier dont fite like a warm soldier, becarse they keep having to drink hot tea from a thermos, or wear mittens and you can't use a gun if you wear mittens.
• Lazer Sites: Lazer sites dont work on mirrors. If you were being chased by a predater then if you hide in a shop full of mirrors, like Jon Lewis or something, it would confuze it and it wouldnt be able to use its gun. I was trained to aim without a lazer site. Thats when I'd take it down.
• Size: Predaters are well big so they dont expect some smaller guy attacking them. If I saw a predater hassling some girls I'd walk up to it an clock it one right in its face. Thatd confuse it. then I'd punch his stomach until he doubled over and nee him in his chin. Pow! Over and out. Game over predater, and I won.
  

Hopefully if any of you do end up fighting predators on an alien planet then Dave's advice should come in handy. Especially the bit about mirrors, which makes a lot of sense. But, as the characters in the film weren't former member of the now disbanded Team Extreme, they were clearly out of their depth with the predators and as you can imagine it was a bloodbath.

But the film was super-awesome primarily because there were loads of predators, not just one, and to make things even better, there were new, bigger ones. One issue with the film is hunt saboteurs. They turn up all over the place, stopping fox hunting, badger baiting, hare coursing and fishing, but once when they're actually needed there's no sign. No wonder you guys have such a bad reputation if the only kind of hunting you endorse is ones with a human quarry. Not that predators would have listened, but that's hardly the point. They were conspicuous by their absence. I only bring this up as it was the focal point in my 'Predator' review which IMDB didn't recognise as valid.

However, this didn't spoil the film for me and I give it two Oscars, making it a brilliant film.

If it's hot post it on IMDB (not)

Oh dear IMDB. How the mighty have fallen? Why it seems like only yesterday people were visiting your site to get news and reviews on the latest movies. Well since my blog opened up LESS THAN A MONTH AGO those people are coming here. At least I presume they are. I can't check the number of hits I'm getting, but I bet it's well into the thousands.

Anyway, back before people stopped visiting IMDB I wrote some of the best movie reviews they'd ever seen, so good that some of them got removed because of slander or 'not actually reviewing the film'. Luckily I've decided to share some of those reviews that were too revolutionary here on my blog.

Neonsamurai's 'Predator' review:

You'd think people would actually want help at an Anti-Hunt protest wouldn't you? Well that's what I thought, doing my bit for the environment and helping stop foxes go extinct. I've seen 'Predator' and understood the whole anti-hunting message in the film and knew that I had to do what's right for defenceless animals. Also, Rufus had eaten through the roof in the garage and escaped into the fields near Aston Clinton so I had to try and lure him back. I had previously told my mum not to leave boxes of Daz washing power where he could get to them, but oh no. Don't listen to your son will you woman?

I know for a fact that when Rufus has the contents of a family sized box of washing powder inside him, he normally goes looking for real narcotics to eat, but this time he made straight for this group of hunt protesters, and guess who's there? That complete spaz Derek Palmers and his wife, that's who. Well, as soon as I turn up he starts getting all jittery and nervous, telling his wife to sit in the car and lock the doors. I'm trying to explain that Rufus isn't that dangerous unless you make any sudden moves, but will he listen? Seems that Mr 'Don't Feed Koala's Class A Drugs' knows more about marsupials than I do and tells the people giving out RSPCA leaflets not to let me have any, 'Because he'll probably choke on them'.

I ate 3 leaflets just fine WITHOUT CHOKING just to prove a point when we hear the huntsmen approaching and all the protesters start screaming 'Murderers! Murderers!' That must have woken Rufus up or something because we went berserk, big time. Unfortunately Mrs Palmers panicked and couldn't open the car doors quick enough and then the unpleasantness began. To be honest I blame them for leaving their car's sunroof open in the first place.

Now bearing in mind that I am NOWHERE NEAR THE CAR and certainly didn't tell Mrs Palmers to lock herself inside it, whom do you think Derek blames for this? Rufus? Of course not. Yet again I am held responsible for that little Aussie Crack head's actions, even though it is he not I that has clamped onto Mrs Palmer's face. Anyway, she should have stayed put and gone limp (which usually works) but instead she stumbles out of the car and staggers across the field. Now Derek's going crazy at this point but unlike him I've read about the Suffragettes and just assumed that Mrs Palmers was copying Emily Davidson.

Now as I've already made clear, after watching 'Predator' I'd definitely never take part in fox hunting, but if I did and a woman with a koala on her face ran out in front of my horse I wouldn't avoid her by swerving into a crowd of 27 protesters. But clearly what I'd do and what huntsmen do are two entirely different things, particularly when another horse managed to almost jump Derek's car. The important word here is 'almost'.

The fact that at this point the fox hunt officially stopped is a good thing in my opinion, which you'd think the hunt protesters would thank me for. Well guess again because those lazy soap dodgers were showing their true colours, which was to curse and scream at me. Some thanks eh? Although I suppose that I should be thankful that they weren't all screaming at me, some of them were being far too self obsessed for that: 'I'VE broken MY leg.' 'Call ME an ambulance.' 'I'LL need drastic invasive surgery.' 'I'M losing consciousness.' It's all 'me me me' with those people.

Besides Mrs Palmers wasn't that badly injured and at least Rufus had let go of her face (and as per usual run off to let me take the blame). Of course the police didn't want to hear any of this since they have a new policy of arresting people, gagging them and then locking them in the boot of their squad cars. It seems that this policy only applies to me though as they let Derek waffle on and on with his version of the story and how he didn't think horse collisions were covered under his car insurance.

Typically, Thames Valley Police couldn't press charges because they had no evidence linking me to anything that happened, although Derek had tried to blame me for practically everything that had occurred. Luckily the police couldn't accept these allegations since one of the horses had kicked him in the face and given him a concussion.

And me? Well I just sat there in a trance repeating, 'The jungle came alive and took them' until my mum came to take me home.

Predator. You gotta love that movie.