Wednesday, 17 February 2010

If it's hot post it on IMDB (not)

Oh dear IMDB. How the mighty have fallen? Why it seems like only yesterday people were visiting your site to get news and reviews on the latest movies. Well since my blog opened up LESS THAN A MONTH AGO those people are coming here. At least I presume they are. I can't check the number of hits I'm getting, but I bet it's well into the thousands.

Anyway, back before people stopped visiting IMDB I wrote some of the best movie reviews they'd ever seen, so good that some of them got removed because of slander or 'not actually reviewing the film'. Luckily I've decided to share some of those reviews that were too revolutionary here on my blog.

Neonsamurai's 'Predator' review:

You'd think people would actually want help at an Anti-Hunt protest wouldn't you? Well that's what I thought, doing my bit for the environment and helping stop foxes go extinct. I've seen 'Predator' and understood the whole anti-hunting message in the film and knew that I had to do what's right for defenceless animals. Also, Rufus had eaten through the roof in the garage and escaped into the fields near Aston Clinton so I had to try and lure him back. I had previously told my mum not to leave boxes of Daz washing power where he could get to them, but oh no. Don't listen to your son will you woman?

I know for a fact that when Rufus has the contents of a family sized box of washing powder inside him, he normally goes looking for real narcotics to eat, but this time he made straight for this group of hunt protesters, and guess who's there? That complete spaz Derek Palmers and his wife, that's who. Well, as soon as I turn up he starts getting all jittery and nervous, telling his wife to sit in the car and lock the doors. I'm trying to explain that Rufus isn't that dangerous unless you make any sudden moves, but will he listen? Seems that Mr 'Don't Feed Koala's Class A Drugs' knows more about marsupials than I do and tells the people giving out RSPCA leaflets not to let me have any, 'Because he'll probably choke on them'.

I ate 3 leaflets just fine WITHOUT CHOKING just to prove a point when we hear the huntsmen approaching and all the protesters start screaming 'Murderers! Murderers!' That must have woken Rufus up or something because we went berserk, big time. Unfortunately Mrs Palmers panicked and couldn't open the car doors quick enough and then the unpleasantness began. To be honest I blame them for leaving their car's sunroof open in the first place.

Now bearing in mind that I am NOWHERE NEAR THE CAR and certainly didn't tell Mrs Palmers to lock herself inside it, whom do you think Derek blames for this? Rufus? Of course not. Yet again I am held responsible for that little Aussie Crack head's actions, even though it is he not I that has clamped onto Mrs Palmer's face. Anyway, she should have stayed put and gone limp (which usually works) but instead she stumbles out of the car and staggers across the field. Now Derek's going crazy at this point but unlike him I've read about the Suffragettes and just assumed that Mrs Palmers was copying Emily Davidson.

Now as I've already made clear, after watching 'Predator' I'd definitely never take part in fox hunting, but if I did and a woman with a koala on her face ran out in front of my horse I wouldn't avoid her by swerving into a crowd of 27 protesters. But clearly what I'd do and what huntsmen do are two entirely different things, particularly when another horse managed to almost jump Derek's car. The important word here is 'almost'.

The fact that at this point the fox hunt officially stopped is a good thing in my opinion, which you'd think the hunt protesters would thank me for. Well guess again because those lazy soap dodgers were showing their true colours, which was to curse and scream at me. Some thanks eh? Although I suppose that I should be thankful that they weren't all screaming at me, some of them were being far too self obsessed for that: 'I'VE broken MY leg.' 'Call ME an ambulance.' 'I'LL need drastic invasive surgery.' 'I'M losing consciousness.' It's all 'me me me' with those people.

Besides Mrs Palmers wasn't that badly injured and at least Rufus had let go of her face (and as per usual run off to let me take the blame). Of course the police didn't want to hear any of this since they have a new policy of arresting people, gagging them and then locking them in the boot of their squad cars. It seems that this policy only applies to me though as they let Derek waffle on and on with his version of the story and how he didn't think horse collisions were covered under his car insurance.

Typically, Thames Valley Police couldn't press charges because they had no evidence linking me to anything that happened, although Derek had tried to blame me for practically everything that had occurred. Luckily the police couldn't accept these allegations since one of the horses had kicked him in the face and given him a concussion.

And me? Well I just sat there in a trance repeating, 'The jungle came alive and took them' until my mum came to take me home.

Predator. You gotta love that movie.

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