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That's right! I'm on Facebook!

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Mostly just looking to meet girls at the moment though.

Website Roundup

I'm bored.

This business of lying low is really boring. I honestly don't know how Salman Rushdie did it. He probably had a Sky Box and a subscription to Love Film, since he made all that money from worshipping Satan and writing a book about it. I'd probably do something similar, but I'm sort of an atheist. I believe in God, but I don't believe in Satan, because obviously God is all powerful and would kick the living crap out of Satan.

God: "Hello everyone. I'd like it if you all loved each other and were very nice to everyone."

Humanity: "That's all well and good God, but Satan keeps telling us to lie, cheat and kill each other."

God: "He did? That bastard's fuckin' dead!"

--------------------------

Satan: "Oh. Hello God. Erm... What are you doing here?"

God: "Taking you to the fuckin' cleaners!"

Satan: "Jesus Christ! No!"

God: "My name's God you toilet!"

That's pretty much what would have happened (including the profanity, God doesn't mince his words), hence no Satan, which means Rushdie was worshipping a false god. What a spaz. No wonder he went into hiding.

But all this theological discussion doesn't stop me being really bored. So I decided to browse the internet and tell you the best (and worst) websites that I can find:

Spycatcher of Knightsbridge:

This is a great site. Everything you need for surveillance, pursuit, videoing and ultimately capturing of women. Obviously the purpose of this equipment isn't gender specific, but why on earth you want to capture a man? I also must stress that the only reason I would capture a woman is for scientific purposes, as part of an ongoing study. Any of you who want to help further research into this important and overlooked area of science please feel free to donate money to my PayPal account (see the link to the right). I'd use the money to buy these: Tornado Night Vision Goggles.

Tom Cruise Website:

As many of you are probably aware, Tom Cruise and I are both friends on Twitter and I regularly email him film advice in a way that only a movie critic can. So plugging his website is just the sort of thing that industry chums do. I told him not to appear in anything with Ang Lee and Tom listened. That's what makes him such a good actor, because he knows when to listen.

Stalker

Well this one is rubbish. It's for a stupid computer game that looks awful. And to make matters worse there are NO WOMEN in the game. Talk about flagrant false advertising. DO NOT VISIT.

Ask Shamu

I want to make this abundantly clear that there is no possible way that 'Shamu' is answering any of the questions that an anonymous web developer is posing it. It's a KILLER WHALE for God's sake! They can't speak, or even use simple sign language like monkeys, so how they think they can fool me into believing that any of what's there has be run past an aquatic, seal-killing behemoth is insulting.

Here's a question for you 'Shamu'; what do you take me for? An idiot? Well? Is that what you think I am 'Shamu'? A simpleton? Some dullard who believes everything a 'whale' tells him? "Oh look at me. I'm conversing with a giant, carnivorous, underwater cow!" Guess again because I've seen through your tu-penny ha-penny charade and am disgusted that you think I'd fall for it.

WHO'S THE IDIOT NOW SHAMU? EH? WHAT'S THAT? NO COMEBACK?

Neonsamurai Kicks Ass: FACT!

I am still in hiding.

No sign of Burian (or Rufus) since the 'incident', which we've all agreed was not my fault. If he wants to press charges then he's going to look pretty stupid taking a koala to court. And let's be honest, it wouldn't get that far when the judge realised that Rufus was actually a small, aggressive marsupial and couldn't give evidence. Although I don't think that matters in Pakistan, where people marry goats.

Needless to say I've been having to find things to keep me occupied during my time in hiding. Firstly I tried calling Thames Valley Police, as I'm on their witness protection scheme, but they denied all knowledge of this. In fact they went as far as to say that they don't actually have a 'witness protection scheme', which meant I was either speaking to an idiot, or it's actually so top secret that they deny it exists, which I think is probably the latter. Although in all fairness, even Littlehampton Police deny the existence of it too. Very professional.

As I've not been able to return 'Cloverfield' to Scope, and get a decent film out (probably 'Doom'), and my research into women isn't possible unless they walk past my flat, I've been watching day time television. Now most of it is rubbish, but some of the shows are good. One of the best is Jeremy Kyle.

Basically 'The Jeremy Kyle Show' works by getting a bunch of morons on the show, getting them to argue and then having Jeremy tell them they're all dullards. For my money, it's a formula that works as there are loads of complete retards out there who are always opening their stupid gobs and coming up with all sorts of ill-considered opinions. Oh look. Here's some of their emails (to me):

"The point of Avatar was that we shouldn't impose on other races for profit, and that corporate greed is destroying the environment and indigenous societies, not that people in wheelchairs can't be trusted. You are honestly the most-untalented, self-opinionated hack I've ever read. No wonder nobody will give you a job reviewing films, you don't even know what they're about."

-squaaaaal1988

"are you for real!!?!??!?!! noone could be as dumb as you are!!!!! i feel sorry for youre koala. if i knew where you lived i would tell the cops that you mistreat that animal and you should be arrested. never dress him up in human clothes and feed him drugs. you are a FREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

-JoZo-lol-

"I'm not going to warn you again. Sonja Wade has told me where you live and if you write one more thing about Emily I'm coming over to give you a bloody good thumping!"

-Alan.Stephenson

Crazy huh? Jeremy Kyle would have them for breakfast. He'd be like "Avatar was about the incompetence of the disabled: FACT" or "a koala could pull your face of you idiot" or "where I come from that's a threat!" If they were on his show it'd almost be embarrassing to watch as he pointed out their sub-normal intellects.

For these reasons I support Jeremy Kyle. He's insulting thicko's because he cares.

The 'easy' way to borrow money

Okay, I would have posted this on Tuesday, but I've sort of been in hiding. I've not actually got anywhere to hide though, because Dave's gone to his nan's and his mum won't let me in their house unsupervised. Not since the accident with their washing bin. So I've really just been making excuses to hang around the clinic, or at the Job Centre, which got really boring. Eventually I went into hiding at home, because I've got my laptop and my DVD player there, and at least I can do research or watch films.

So on Sunday, Burian (Grigore's friend) turns up to discuss a loan. He's not quite what I'd expected. He doesn't wear a suit, or believe in personal grooming of any sort. If fact he's not really what I'd expected a private loan arranger to be. But you do crazy things when you're in love so I invited him in, made him a cup of tea (no sugar, I've run out) and told him how much money I wanted to borrow. Big mistake.

Now, for those of you who don't know about private loans, they differ from normal loans insomuch as they don't actually involve money. Burian can't carry large sums of cash about, because he might get mugged (although at 6' 4" and built like a tank, I doubt he would), so he normally just uses 'I owe U's' so after I'd explained how much I wanted to borrow, and Burian wrote me a note saying he owed me twenty thousand pounds. Conversely I wrote him a note saying that I owed him twenty one thousand pounds (because of the interest), which he hung onto. He then explained that we had exchanged contracts and it was now a legal requirement that we honour our agreement. He then left.

So far so good. But on Monday Burian wakes me up at 9am banging on my door and demanding to be let in. Being the polite host I open the door, but he squares up to me demanding his thousand pounds, which I was legally obliged to pay him. When I tried to point out that I hadn't actually received my twenty thousand pounds he slapped my face and told me to shut up. Now, if I had received this sort of treatment at a bank I would right now be writing a very stiff letter of complaint to their head office, but as Burian is a sole-trader I really didn't want to make him any angrier than he already was. So I sort of shrugged and told him I didn't have a thousand pounds to give him, so he slapped me again.

Eventually it became clear that if I said anything that Burian didn't like he would slap me rather hard, so I conceded that I would pay him his thousand pounds, by the end of the day or he'd come back and beat the money out of me (technically not possible). So I scraped together all the money I had (£47.28) and collected all the things I had of value (TV, DVD player, laptop, clock radio and microwave) as well as a few of the DVD's I didn't want any more ('Cloverfield', 'Tim Lovejoy's Football Heroes') ready for when Burian came back. But when he did, and I showed him my assorted valuable items he just stared at them silently with sort of wild eyes, shaking slightly. And when I asked him for my twenty grand he went ballistic.

Apparently, he thought all of my stuff was 'shit' and proceeded to throw my furniture about. Telling me that this was what happened when people try to cheat him out of a thousand pounds.

Now, it's important that I explain at this point that if you have a marsupial that has gone into a sugar-induced coma waking it up unexpectedly in a violent manner is amongst the worst things that you can do, and if Burian hadn't got me by the throat then I would have explained that to him. But I didn't. Mainly because I didn't know Rufus had passed out atop my bookshelf in an empty cardboard box, and was NOT in the mood to be disturbed. Also, I would have closed the front door had Burian not been in such a hurry to get his money.

So, we can categorically agree that when Burian fell down the stairs with a koala on his face that I was in no way culpable, bearing in mind I was hiding under my upturned sofa (where I found another 57p) at the time. I even called the ambulance for him. Well I tried. But apparently 'koala induced concussion' isn't a recognised injury and is a 'waste of emergency services time'. Oh I'm sorry. Next time I'll just lie about what happened so that the injured party doesn't get properly treated.

But at least it gave me time to find the 'I owe U' that I wrote and tear it up (contract: closed), and also his cheque book (because technically the 'I owe U' he wrote for my twenty grand was still valid). It was then just a matter of emailing Natalia his bank account details, along with the pin number he'd written inside the front cover and making sure that she only withdrew twenty thousand pounds.

However, when I went outside to return his chequebook both Burian and Rufus had disappeared. So I threw it over the fence. No doubt somebody will find it and hand it in to the police station.

So until the dust has settled I'm staying put, lying low and awaiting the arrival of my lovely Natalia.

Cloverfield Review

"Quick! Let's do everything that 'tard Rob says."

Scope delivers, again. £3.50 and I can keep the film forever. Blockbusters don't do that do they? Today I'm reviewing 'Cloverfield', but I almost got the film 'Doom', although I've got the game and sort of know the storyline. They also have clothes and books and other tat in there. I can buy a DVD, a blanket, a candlestick holder and maybe some ladies underwear, all in the same shop.

Neonsamurai's 'Cloverfield' Review

What's the first thing you think of when I say 'Cloverfield'? It's butter isn't it? Those dancing and singing cows, which for me is a bad start. I am a simple man who enjoys simple pleasures, and one of those is knowing what sort of film I'm watching based on the title. Imagine my displeasure when I watched the debacle that is the Ang Lee celluloid accident 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'. Hmmm... What could that film be about? Well judging by the title, a tiger and a dragon. Well as a big fan of dragons I chose to watch this film, and became enraged when I found there to be ZERO dragons within it. Oh there was a sword called 'dragon'. Oh yes, that makes it all right if there's a sharpened lump of steel called dragon in it. Oh no you can't have your money back. Well Odeon cinemas, that decision cost you a customer. Eventually. After I took that deformed woman to watch 'Silence of the Lambs'.

Let's say you were in a video shop and the world was about to end and you only had enough time to watch a film before the sun exploded or something, so you didn't have a large enough window of opportunity to actually read all that stuff on the back of the DVD about who is in it, or what it's about and you could only choose it on the basis of the movie title? Well, you'd be screwed if it was an Ang Lee film because it'd probably be called something like 'Strike Force Battle Robots', and you get home and put it in your DVD and start watching only to find out half an hour in that 'Strike Force Battle Robots' was the name of a chip shop, and you were watching a drama about infidelity or something boring. Wouldn't that piss you off? It makes me REALLY angry and I'm only thinking about it. If it happened for real I'd go absolutely crazy.

That's right Lee. You'd better hope that the sun explodes or you're a DEAD MAN.

There's this guy called Rob and he's going to work in Japan so his friends throw this surprise party for him but mid-way through the party a monster attacks New York. So they cancel the party and everyone goes home. At least I presume they do. It's not actually shown in the film, probably because it's some of the worst camera handling I've ever seen. Half the time you can't really tell what's going on. Now I'm not a film maker, I'm a film reviewer, although some of the movies I used to make using a camcorder were clearer than what you see in this effort. That's taking into account that I was often disturbed half-way through making a film and had to either fight off an angered husband or escape from a police canine-response squad. Yet I could easily make out what the women were or weren't wearing upon later viewing. They were part of a study I was doing into women's bodies. It's an ongoing study that I intend to continue in the near-future.

Anyway, this monster is attacking New York, the party has been cancelled and basically it's gone from being a fun night, to a really bad one, compounded by a frankly appalling cameraman. Rob and some others decide to go looking for this woman he went on a date with, rather than getting out of the city. I won't spoil the ending but basically Rob gets everyone killed, something he feels compelled to record on video for posterity. When is he ever going to watch that again? Oh, nothing on the telly. Hmm... Think I'll watch those appalling choices I made that resulted in everyone getting killed by a giant monster.

Dullard.

Does that strike anyone else as strange? If I hadn't had my camcorder seized for evidence, I'd only film myself doing cool things. I certainly wouldn't make sure that there was a video diary of my choices leading to everyone dying. If there was, I'd record over it, rather than leaving it for somebody to find and watch.

This, I'm afraid, forces me to give 'Cloverfield' zero Oscars. I'm going to take it back to Scope and demand a refund.

Rufus AWOL

Missing Koala

Have you seen my koala? He looks
like the one above but he's got sort
of a permanent scowl, and has
slightly lighter fur. Might also still
be dressed as a butler.

If you see him can you please try
and put him in a sack, or lock him
in your garage or something because
he might be high and when he is he
can be unpredictable and violent.

DO NOT feed him any of the
following substances:

Polystyrene
Daz
Sherbet
Crack Cocaine
Normal Cocaine
Silica Gel

If you do he goes mental.

Should you manage to catch him
please contact me via my blog:
http: neonsamurai.kicks-ass.net

Yes, that little Aussie bastard has got loose again. All it takes is a momentary lapse in concentration and he's out the door like a shot. Normally that's not a problem as he just clamps onto the first face he sees and I can prize him off with a fork, but this time he has vanished. If you've seen him around Littlehampton, please try and catch him then drop me a line here.

Predators Review

Actors in 'Predators'.

Oh look I'm reviewing a film! Somebody call the police because that must be a crime!

Just for the record I was going to post this anyway, so don't think it's because of certain people making stupid comments.

Neonsamurai's 'Predators' Review:

Just imagine for one minute that you're a professional killer, like my mate Dave. One minute you're in Curry's playing on their Xbox 360, the next minute you're falling out of the sky over the jungle. That's pretty terrifying right? Well what about if once you landed in the jungle you had to then fight alien monsters?! That's really scary.

How do I know? Well because Dave and myself saw this at the weekend and I thought it was brilliant. One Chinese bloke fights a Predator with a samurai sword! How cool is that? But Dave kept on going out to the toilet when all the scary bits came on the screen, which I thought was unusual for somebody who had to fight rogue cyborgs in Bedford when he was in Team Extreme. However, afterwards Dave said it was because of post traumatic stress disorder, due to the film's extreme realism.

Also, as Dave pointed out, if what happened in the film was real, he'd be a prime candidate to be abducted by the Predators. Dave sleeps in the nude, so he was worried he'd end up being chased around the jungle in the nuddy by Predators. However, he'd also noted several weaknesses the alien hunters have, which he'd exploit in order to defeat them, even if he was naked. He can't help doing this, as it was part of his special forces training.

Here's an article by Dave's of the Predators weaknesses that he'd use against them in an ironic twist, turning them from the hunter to the hunted:

Alrirte? Dave hear with my list of how to defeat Predaters. In the filmthey seem hard, but thats becarse they were fighting acters and not real specail forces soldiers like I was once.

• Headaches: If they only see in all of them funny colours all the time then they must have headaches all the time. The last thing youy want when youve got a headache are bright lites and loud music. That'd make them go mental.So I'd walk around with a getto blaster and some torches, flushing them out of cover.
  
• No clothes: Predators wear noffing. Which means that they might get cold if you hid in a cave, or by the sea of something. A cold soldier dont fite like a warm soldier, becarse they keep having to drink hot tea from a thermos, or wear mittens and you can't use a gun if you wear mittens.
• Lazer Sites: Lazer sites dont work on mirrors. If you were being chased by a predater then if you hide in a shop full of mirrors, like Jon Lewis or something, it would confuze it and it wouldnt be able to use its gun. I was trained to aim without a lazer site. Thats when I'd take it down.
• Size: Predaters are well big so they dont expect some smaller guy attacking them. If I saw a predater hassling some girls I'd walk up to it an clock it one right in its face. Thatd confuse it. then I'd punch his stomach until he doubled over and nee him in his chin. Pow! Over and out. Game over predater, and I won.
  

Hopefully if any of you do end up fighting predators on an alien planet then Dave's advice should come in handy. Especially the bit about mirrors, which makes a lot of sense. But, as the characters in the film weren't former member of the now disbanded Team Extreme, they were clearly out of their depth with the predators and as you can imagine it was a bloodbath.

But the film was super-awesome primarily because there were loads of predators, not just one, and to make things even better, there were new, bigger ones. One issue with the film is hunt saboteurs. They turn up all over the place, stopping fox hunting, badger baiting, hare coursing and fishing, but once when they're actually needed there's no sign. No wonder you guys have such a bad reputation if the only kind of hunting you endorse is ones with a human quarry. Not that predators would have listened, but that's hardly the point. They were conspicuous by their absence. I only bring this up as it was the focal point in my 'Predator' review which IMDB didn't recognise as valid.

However, this didn't spoil the film for me and I give it two Oscars, making it a brilliant film.