Monday, 8 March 2010

New Oscar Awards

"And winner of Most Stupid Face goes to..."

Best Actress, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Writer, Best Screenplay, Best Editor etc. That's a pretty boring list of categories for the Oscars. No wonder nobody bothers watching it these days. I mean, honestly who cares? If the Hollywood wants to make the Oscars popular again then they need some kind of maverick, loose-cannon with a great deal of film knowledge to shake things up and get people tuning in again. And by maverick, loose-cannon I mean me.

Here are my suggestions for new awards that we should have at the Oscars, including people whom I believe should have been this years winners.

Biggest Stupid Idiot: Ang Lee - Oh dear. Looks like Ang Lee is the biggest stupid idiot in Hollywood. How did that happen Ang? Well maybe because some of us remember 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'. To be completely honest it was a miracle that the Hulk actually made an appearance in 'The Hulk'. And I saw 'Brokeback Mountain' a few weeks back, which made me feel very uncomfortable, particularly when Dave started going back to watch some bits again.

Rudest Actress: Nicole Kidman - FIVE LETTERS AND ONE TWEET KIDMAN. I'm not a mathematician but that's 6 attempts I've made to contact you and have had zero response. Know what? I'm going to tweet Hugh Jackman and tell him how rude you Americans are. How'd you like that eh? Oh what's that? No response? Well there's a surprise.

Most Ridiculous Name: Mo'Nique - Is that you're first name or your last name? I'm pretty sure you can't actually have a name like that. I tried changing my name years back, but they don't let you choose names that make you sound like a spaz. Well clearly they do in America.

Most Stupid Face: Peter Jackson - Out of all the people in Hollywood it turns out that Jackson has the most stupid face. Ha! Take THAT Jackson! Maybe then you'll realise how offensive the whole 'Lord of the Rings' series was to everybody. Oh look, it's Jesus on a horse. Oh look there's another Jesus and now some trees have come alive. I can't believe you wrote that rubbish.

I've got loads of other awards that I can give to 'Dr' Stephen Hawking, Jewel from 'Jewel in the Nile', 'Free Willy', John Nash and Emily Stephenson, so it's clearly something I've put a lot of thought into.

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