WTF (x 2)?!?!?!

What in the name of Hitlers ring-piece does the Echo think it's doing? Firstly they promote a competition with scant information on the rules, engineering it so the few members of the 'elite' under 12 film review society (which must number about five) can enter. They then declare Emily Stephenson the winner of this tuppeny-ha'penny charade that claims to be a competition!

She's not even a proper film reviewer, she's a sodding wannabe vet! AVET! What's next? Are we going to see plumbers writing opinion columns or maybe hairdressers running the classifieds? I've read her review and it was rubbish. It wasn't edgy or engaging, and you certainly didn't come away afterwards having your very way of life challenged (THAT'S RIGHT GOTHS, DRACULA WAS A RETARD. YOU DON'T SCARE ME), in the same way that my reviews do. Hers was, at best, pedestrian and she won a trip to Disneyland. I WANTED TO GO TO DISNEYLAND.

Let's cut to the chase here; she won because she's cute, and she's got a duck. I can take the truth and maybe if the Echo had said "hey Neon. Brilliant review. Yes that fox was a selfish spaz, and his wife did look like a men's club's bog brush. But you know what? We wanted the winner to be cute and holding poultry", I'd have been cool with that.

They didn't though, did they? The bastards.

But it's not the Echo I feel sorry for, it's Emily 'the Vet' Stephenson. Imagine if she read this article and thought "hmm... Maybe I could do what Jonathan Ross does and present 'Film 2010'" and so she writes in the to the BBC, only for them to completely ignore her letter. BOOM! There goes her childhood right there. BANG. Destroyed in a second because someone at the Echo (probably Sonja Wade) decided she'd let a child think she could write a film review.

WRONG!

Face it Littlehampton Echo, your publication is on the rocks and if your readership was in jeopardy of leaving imagine how they're going to react when they read this.

Competition update:

I think there's been a bit of confusion over the 'Win a Date With Neonsamurai' competition, so I'll just clarify a few things:

1) To enter the competition you need to answer the questions in the comments section on the competition page here. I think some of you ladies must have mistakenly posted you answers and details somewhere else. I know that women are a bit scatty sometimes, but I won't hold that against you in this competition. Unless you're god-awful ugly.

2) Due to a recent incident with the manager of the Little Chef, the venue has been changed to the Littlehampton 'Chick 'n Fish' eatery on the High Street. You can have literally anything on the menu, within reason.

3) During the date I will decide if I want to have sex with you, then we'll go back to your place. Just because you have won a date with me it doesn't mean you've automatically won the chance to have sex with me.

4) No police women.

5) If anyone has been speaking to my parole officer back in Aylesbury then don't listen to anything he says. The man's delusional. If I was his boss I'd fire him and then employ someone who isn't a complete tool.

There's no official closing date for this competition, but if you enter early you'll probably have a better chance of winning. Although don't be put off if you've seen that there are loads of entries either as there can be more than one winner.

Win a Date with Neonsamurai

Guess how many Valentines cards I got? Go on guess.

ZERO

You read that right I got no Valentines this year. To be honest that's the norm, but I know what you're thinking “Neonsamurai, you've got you own blog and write some really intelligent film reviews, women must be constantly chasing after you.” Well that's what I would have thought too, but it's literally the opposite situation, which was why I got a police caution last week.

I'm actually getting pretty sick of all the effort I put into meeting women; watching them, approaching them, following them, photographing them, following them a bit faster as they begin to run, etc. I probably put in a good 20-30 hours a week in my pursuit of women, more than I've seen any man in a movie do. Normally they literally bump into women on the street and five minutes later they're in a cooky relationship that ends with him rushing in to stop her marrying her rich but mean boyfriend. I've tried bumping into women. In Aylesbury I spent a whole hour bumping into women in Hale Leys until security guards escorted me out and I even ran into a random wedding shouting “I LOVE YOU”. But then I saw the bride looked a bit like a frog, so I legged it.

Well I've had enough of this so I've decided to turn the tables, a bit like Mel Gibson did in 'Ransom'. No I'm not offering money if you bring me women (although I've not entirely ruled that out), but I'm starting up a competition for women to enter in order to sleep with me! I got the idea from that film review competition I'm going to win. Here's the details:

WIN A DATE WITH NEONSAMURAI

Are you a hot, sexy lady (aged 18 – 35) who maybe used to be a model, a dancer or a famous actress*? If so you could win a date with Littlehampton's premier film reviewer Neonsamurai, and then maybe have sex with him. To win this coveted prize simply answer the following questions:


1) You are at a local Harvester restaurant when your dates' trousers fall off. Do you:

a) Ignore it. This probably happens to lots of men.
b) Politely point out his trousers have fallen off, which doesn't spoil the meal at all.
c) Storm out.
d) Shriek hysterically because clearly it's the worst thing in the world and you're mental.
e) Call the police who use a taser on the man as he tries to climb out of the toilet window, causing him to get stuck and then they have to call the fire brigade.

2) After the date you notice that the man you were with has somehow broken into your flat and is in your bedroom. Do you:

a) Become intrigued by this mysterious intruder.
b) Say that you had a lovely dinner and maybe he should give you a call tomorrow to arrange another date.
c) Demand to know what he is doing wearing your underwear and insist he leaves.
d) Go mental, because you've obviously NEVER had a strange man in your bedroom before.
e) Knee the man in the groin then call the police. Then call an ambulance when he tries to escape and falls into the greenhouse of the man downstairs who used to be in the Royal Marine Commandos and has a very short temper.

3) A few days later you are at a bus stop when you hear someone close behind you whisper “Hello my darling” in your ear. Do you:

a) Immediately turn around and hug the handsome, mysterious man you went on a date with.
b) Maybe take a few steps away and make an excuse about why you haven't called.
c) Continue running because he's caught up with you.
d) Start shouting for help, because a man is near you. Is that against the law? No it's not you retard. You're the one who needs help.
e) Use that (illegal) mace spray that your dad gave you on the man and as he's covering his eyes knee him in his already sore crotch and tell him if you ever see him again you'll tell former Sergeant Sykes where he lives.

In the case of a tie breaker please complete (in no more than fifty words) the following sentence: “I would really enjoy a date with Neonsamurai because...” Bonus points will be awarded for using the words sex, underwear and 'will not call the police'.

Please post your answers in the comments box below and if I'm interested I'll ask you to send me a picture, because I'm not dating munters.



Terms and conditions: Entrants must be not be old and gross or mental in anyway. They must not complain about the choice of food at the Little Chef or order anything too expensive as I'm on the dole at the moment. I also reserve the right to take out a few girls on dates if they're really attractive.

*Not Nicole Kidman.