Networking.

I think that there must be something wrong with the internet, because I have had neither PayPal contributions nor any offers for my film script (WHAT YOU WERE OFFERING TO DO WITH IT WAS OBSCENE JAVIER).

However I am being pragmatic about this and am moving forward, plus doing some 'networking' as they call it in the biz. The 'biz' is what people who work in the movie industry call it, and networking is when you meet people and talk about your script and which actor is attached. At the moment I'm keeping it fairly low-key as I think FRWLAG is kind of an art house film.

I've handed out some of my scripts to some local people who are quite influential; Dave, Dr Chen, Dr Hinds, Grigore from Chick 'n Fish, Charlie and Abigail (OH WHAT'S THAT JAVIER? NO SCRIPT FOR YOU? WELL I GUESS YOU'RE NOT INFLUENTIAL THEN ARE YOU?). Well I say I Abigail, I tried to give a copy to Abigail, but can you guess what happened? Yes, she went mental again. If a woman can't interact with a normal member of society, without going nutzoid then maybe (just maybe) she needs to be locked up. I don't mean that to be harsh but clearly that's going to be best for everyone.

Imagine somebody wanted to give you something that is free but might be worth millions (e.g. Christs birth certificate or my script). Would you hide from them and sit with the orderlies, refusing to even look at them, or say "wow thanks Neonsamurai, great script" and maybe tell your friends? Logically you'd do the later, but not Abigail. In fact, she became so illusive I had to employ tactics used by some famous script writers. I don't mean anything as naff as posting it to them, but things like putting it in a pizza box and having it delivered to the directors office, or paying a woman with big breasts to wear a T shirt printed with page 1 of your script arrive on set and make advances at the producer.

Now obviously I don't have loads of money, so I just jumped out of the supplies cupboard and threw it at her shouting "Read it! READ IT!!". One free script (and a free folder she could keep, which I'd found lying around) for her to read. You'd think she'd be grateful. Oh no. Oh no Abigail is not grateful AT ALL.

In fact so ungrateful is Abigail that the orderlies not only subdue me but they have to sedate her as well. Which turns out to be an absolute farce. Normally I have the highest respect for the clinic and the persons employed there, even Dr Hinds, who now just stares at me in silence for forty minutes during our sessions, occasionally having that nervous tick she's developed, before telling me to come back until next week, under any circumstances. But it turns out that they've mislaid the folder containing Abigail's notes and end up giving her the wrong sort of tranquilizer.

Tranquilizer's tranquilizer right? WRONG. Abigail goes 'Hulk' on the orderlies and runs out of the clinic, dragging one of them behind her, who's valiantly trying to restrain the woman's drug fueled rampage. So I try and help by shouting "Take her down! Lethal force! LETHAL FORCE!" when two orderlies charge out of the staff room, probably trying to ambush her. Bad move. She clotheslines' one of them and backhands the other shouting "I am a Ghostbuster! I AIN'T 'FRAID OF NO GHOST!"

To her credit Abigail made it as far as Budgens before she passed out.

However, all of this did give me the opportunity to visit Dr Chen and give him my script. He wasn't particularly interested though, but it is my first draft. Maybe when I've got a few big names attached to it he'll come around to the idea. I'll also add some Chinamen as well. He's bound to like that.

Nothing to do with 'Peanuts'

I'm only going to have to give a short review today as I've got to go and see some sort of hypno-therapist that the clinic sorted out for me. Normally I wouldn't mind, but they've got one of those stupid revolving doors. Who invented revolving doors? I'll tell you who, an idiot.

Neonsamurai's 'Harry Brown' review:

At first I didn't want to watch this as I thought it was a remake of those stupid, bloody 'Peanuts' cartoons, with that autistic dog Snoopy. Why is it so bloody cool to have autism, yet when someone maybe has mild persecutory delusions, or maybe erotomania then they need to have some CBT? Where did Snoopy find the money to buy all of his costumes? He's a dog. Technically he hasn't got the means to even carry money, unless he held it in his mouth (which you shouldn't do in case a tramp has been holding it). I can suspend disbelief to a point (which is why I liked 'The Patriot'), but there's a limit, and that limit is Snoopy.

But the film isn't about Charlie Brown it's about Harry Brown, who is played by Sir Michael Caine. Harry lives on an estate in London where loads of thuggish teenagers terrorise anyone who comes along, so Harry tries to avoid them, but in doing so can't get to the hospital in time to see his ill wife die. Oooh! That made both Dave and myself very angry (and a bit sad)! Then to cap it all the same teenage thugs kill Harry's only friend. Not only that, but the police show little or no interest. Yet when a man mistakenly walks into the changing rooms of Top Shop and begins taking his clothes off they bloody well turn up like gang-busters. I can only hypothesize that if you are being chased by a gang of murderers, then removing your clothes will get a faster police response than calling 999.

Harry decides that enough is enough and decides to take on the thugs using the only language they understand; bad language. And also by shooting them. I'm no legal expert, but this seems to work very well. Dave said that it's pretty much what he'd do if some kids were threatening an old man, or some girls. I pointed out that the kids who hang out around 'Chick n' Fish' are always hassling me and making fun of my coat, but he always runs off when they start. Apparently this is because when he was special forces he was only trained to kill, not subdue, so he was running away to protect those kids, which sort of makes sense I think.

But no sooner has the fully-clothed Harry begun shooting thugs that the police begin investigating the deaths and start tracking him down. They don't go straight around his house and begin asking his mum if he was at home when someone matching his description let a wild animal loose in 'The Lounge' nightclub (probably because he doesn't live with his mum) but sort of ask open and leading questions, trying to catch him out. But Harry's a bit smart and keeps his cool.

'Harry Brown' is a very powerful and moving film about shooting mouthy, little bastards. It's so good, in fact, that I'm going to give it an Oscar (my new marking system) for being a really good film. Other films you might like involving young thugs who need a bloody good hiding include the 'Death Wish' series, 'Payback', 'Death Sentence' and 'Goonies'.

Competition Update #2:

There's still a particularly small number of entries in the 'Win a Date with Neonsamurai' competition, which is possibly the most romantic competition ever devised. I expect this is down to the basic incompetence of those who are attempting to enter (I won't judge you harshly for that), so I have decided to post more basic guidelines for potential contestants. Please see here for a previous update.

6) The competition has now been opened to women who aren't dancers, models or actresses, although the requirement to be really attractive is still an important factor. You will need to provide proof of your beauty.

7) Upon entry to 'Chick n' Fish' please be aware that you are not to engage in conversation with Javier. He doesn't work there but he's always in the restaurant and I think he's a tramp, or an alcoholic or something. I spoke to him once and now he thinks we're friends, and we're certainly not.

8) If you've entered and successfully won the competition, you can' then request a picture of me and then email me back saying that you really don't want to be in the competition any more. Once you're in you're in and you have to come to Littlehampton and let me buy you a meal. It is not negotiable. Any future competitors must supply a full name and address so that I can come and get you.

Come on ladies, I'm sure that there were loads of you who felt left out because you weren't a dancer, model or actress who really wanted some free food and maybe some sex. If you enter before the end of March I'll even throw in your bus fare home.*


*Only for contestants living in the Middleton-on-Sea, Littlehampton or Worthing area.

Competition update:

I think there's been a bit of confusion over the 'Win a Date With Neonsamurai' competition, so I'll just clarify a few things:

1) To enter the competition you need to answer the questions in the comments section on the competition page here. I think some of you ladies must have mistakenly posted you answers and details somewhere else. I know that women are a bit scatty sometimes, but I won't hold that against you in this competition. Unless you're god-awful ugly.

2) Due to a recent incident with the manager of the Little Chef, the venue has been changed to the Littlehampton 'Chick 'n Fish' eatery on the High Street. You can have literally anything on the menu, within reason.

3) During the date I will decide if I want to have sex with you, then we'll go back to your place. Just because you have won a date with me it doesn't mean you've automatically won the chance to have sex with me.

4) No police women.

5) If anyone has been speaking to my parole officer back in Aylesbury then don't listen to anything he says. The man's delusional. If I was his boss I'd fire him and then employ someone who isn't a complete tool.

There's no official closing date for this competition, but if you enter early you'll probably have a better chance of winning. Although don't be put off if you've seen that there are loads of entries either as there can be more than one winner.