Oh god. She's writing again.

So far I have received ZERO contributions to my PayPal account. Oh you think that's bad do you? Well look at this:


Oh a movie review and competition. Big deal? Well guess who they got to 'review' this film:

EMILY STEPHENSON

Doesn't anybody read my blog, because I'm pretty sure that I made it perfectly clear here that she's rubbish at reviewing films? Oh but what do I know, seeing as I've more or less dedicated that last 12 years of my life to being a professional film critic. At last count I'd reviewed over 80 films, which now I think about it doesn't sound like that many, but I don't just make up stuff off the top of my head. Well, not for every film anyway.

And how much did she get paid for writing that film review? Three or four thousand pounds probably. What's a child going to spend four grand on? A lifetime supply of Smarties? That's the reason kids aren't paid a fortune in pocket money, because if they did they'd probably destroy the economy but spending the money on nonsense. I'd use the money to buy my fiancé a plane ticket. How's that for sensible?

Since I apparently can't be trusted to write film reviews for the Littlehampton Echo, I'm going to have to rely on YOU my loyal and generous readership (but not the women, who can't be bothered to have free food and sex with me) to send money to my PayPal account so that I can give Natalia twenty thousand pounds.

Please be generous.

Review Review

Today I've decided to review a review done by another reviewer, as a kind of workshop for those of you thinking about becoming a professional reviewers like me. Picking one at random I decided to review one recently produced by Emily Stephenson for a recent competition in the Littlehampton Echo. Apparently she's some hot-shot new film critic who's as good as the BBC's premier film reviewer Jonathan Ross. Let's find out. Firstly here is the review in its entirety:

Fantastic Mr Fox Film Review by Emily Hopkins.

I really enjoyed Fantastic Mr. Fox because my daddy used to read me the book at night when I was in bed and I was really excited when it was made into a film. It's very different from the book, but really good and very funny because both daddy and I laughed a lot when we saw it at the cinema. My favourite character was Felicity Fox who kept telling Mr. Fox off for being so silly. I also liked the way that when the animals were arguing they would say 'cuss' rather than use naughty words. I will definitely ask for the DVD of the film for my birthday.

If I had to sum up Fantastic Mr. Fox in one word, it would be FANTASTIC!

Now let's take a closer look at this 'review' just to see if it's as good as the delusional staff of the echo think it is, starting with the title:

"Fantastic Mr Fox Film Review by Emily Hopkins."

Well duh? Who do you think wrote it Emily? Hitler? I also find that the title is the best place for the reviewer to set the tone for the rest of the critique, so if the film is rubbish why not use a play on words like 'Fantastic Mr. Arse', 'Spazmodic Mr. Fox', or even 'Spazmodic Mr. Arse'. That saves people reading the last paragraph instead.

"I really enjoyed Fantastic Mr. Fox because my daddy used to read me the book at night when I was in bed and I was really excited when it was made into a film."

Emily this is a film review not a book review, and nobody cares what goes on whilst you're in bed. Stick to reviewing the film. And what do you mean 'really excited when it was made into a film'? Where you skipping around gleefully at the idea that a book about a criminal fox and his lipstick-smeared hag-of-a-wife had been transferred to celluloid, or is that just something you used to make up the required number of words for a valid entry?

"It's very different from the book, but really good and very funny because both daddy and I laughed a lot when we saw it at the cinema."

Stick to reviewing the bloody movie, not the sodding book that nobody read. What's next? Are you going to start basing your film reviews on the toys you get in a McDonalds Happy Meal? "Oh. It was a good film, but nothing like the little plastic monkey with spinning arms I got with my McFlurry." You should know this! It's basic film-review knowledge! And what's your dad got to do with 'Fantastic Mr. Fox'? Stick to the film.

"My favourite character was Felicity Fox who kept telling Mr. Fox off for being so silly."

Felicity Fox was rubbish.

"I also liked the way that when the animals were arguing they would say 'cuss' rather than use naughty words."

What? naughty words like arse, bum, willy, tadger, knob, hooters, wah-wahs, winky and bottom juice? That's right Emily, I don't hold back with profanities, I tell it like it is and if the people can't handle it that's their problem. You play it safe and that's why you fail.

"I will definitely ask for the DVD of the film for my birthday."

YAWN. Bored already. Pretty lame review so far.

"If I had to sum up Fantastic Mr. Fox in one word, it would be FANTASTIC!"

Oh well done. What a clever way to end a review? Using a descriptive word used in the film's title to describe the film. But what what would you have done if there were no adjectives for you to use in the title? Oh what then Emily? I'll bet you'd just give up and go to play with 'Mr Quackles' or demand that your father reads you a story whilst you laze around like the Queen of Sheba. It's pretty obvious that you can only review certain types of films that tell you what to think in the title. Here's how I ended my review of 'Fantastic Mr. Fox' for the Littlehampton Echo:

"So in summary the kind of people who will probably like 'Fantastic Mr. Fox' are violent gypsies, or people who'd murder an old lady in her sleep then dress up in her clothes and then withdraw all her life savings and then spend it on drugs that they'd sell to primary school kids."

Which one are you Emily? Which one are you?

WTF (x 2)?!?!?!

What in the name of Hitlers ring-piece does the Echo think it's doing? Firstly they promote a competition with scant information on the rules, engineering it so the few members of the 'elite' under 12 film review society (which must number about five) can enter. They then declare Emily Stephenson the winner of this tuppeny-ha'penny charade that claims to be a competition!

She's not even a proper film reviewer, she's a sodding wannabe vet! AVET! What's next? Are we going to see plumbers writing opinion columns or maybe hairdressers running the classifieds? I've read her review and it was rubbish. It wasn't edgy or engaging, and you certainly didn't come away afterwards having your very way of life challenged (THAT'S RIGHT GOTHS, DRACULA WAS A RETARD. YOU DON'T SCARE ME), in the same way that my reviews do. Hers was, at best, pedestrian and she won a trip to Disneyland. I WANTED TO GO TO DISNEYLAND.

Let's cut to the chase here; she won because she's cute, and she's got a duck. I can take the truth and maybe if the Echo had said "hey Neon. Brilliant review. Yes that fox was a selfish spaz, and his wife did look like a men's club's bog brush. But you know what? We wanted the winner to be cute and holding poultry", I'd have been cool with that.

They didn't though, did they? The bastards.

But it's not the Echo I feel sorry for, it's Emily 'the Vet' Stephenson. Imagine if she read this article and thought "hmm... Maybe I could do what Jonathan Ross does and present 'Film 2010'" and so she writes in the to the BBC, only for them to completely ignore her letter. BOOM! There goes her childhood right there. BANG. Destroyed in a second because someone at the Echo (probably Sonja Wade) decided she'd let a child think she could write a film review.

WRONG!

Face it Littlehampton Echo, your publication is on the rocks and if your readership was in jeopardy of leaving imagine how they're going to react when they read this.

W.T.F?!?

What the HELL does the Littlehampton Echo think it's doing? Read this:



Under 12? UNDER 12? A film review competition only open to people too young to even buy pornography? What kind of dullard thought that up? And why didn't they mention it on the front of the paper, rather than halfway through the competition details? It took me a whole weekend to write that film review, and I could have spent that time doing something much more constructive, like helping my neighbours move house.

Not that they'd actually accept my help. Not since my 'hiding in the boot of Lorraine's car' prank caused so much fuss. Can nobody take a joke these days? Oh but I bet if I was under 12, it would have been funny. Everyone would have had a good laugh about it. Ha ha ha! Yes a 12 year old with a hockey mask jumping out of the car boot is soooo funny. Lorraine wouldn't even give me a lift home and I only live next door! I had to walk sodding miles as it was the middle of nowhere. Lorraine and Matt were a lot more friendly when they first moved in.

That's what I could have been doing Littlehampton Echo, I could have been helping people, rather than writing film reviews for your stupid newspaper. Well I hope you're happy with yourselves. Rest assured I shall never read your newspaper again, and I also encourage my readers to follow suit.

Competition

Did you see that? A film review competition! This'll be like taking candy from a baby!

Inside the Littlehampton Echo it reads:

“To celebrate the release of 'Fantastic Mr. Fox' on DVD this March, Blackbuster is giving away 10 iPods as runner up prizes with one lucky winner getting an all expenses paid trip to Disneyland Paris for with their parents. All you need to do is write a film review of 'Fantastic Mr. Fox' of no more than 200 words beginning with 'I really enjoyed Fantastic Mr. Fox because...' The best 10 will be published in the Littlehampton Echo along with the overall winner.”

Talk about easy. I've reviewed literally dozens of films, some being very intellectual, so writing a review of a kids film will be a piece of cake. Not that I've actually seen the film, but that's never stopped me in the past. Besides, I can use the internet to look up what the film's about and just expand on that. Here's what I just found on IMDB:

“Mr. Fox and his wife Felicity Fox sneak into a hen house to steal chickens. They're caught in a cage on the way out because Mr. Fox sees a trap and can't resist the temptation to spring it. As they hear someone coming, Mrs. Fox reveals that she's pregnant and makes Mr. Fox promise that if they get away, he'll give up raiding farms.”

Okay so Mr. Fox is the kind of person too lazy to work for a living and steals from hard working farmers to pay for (amongst other things) a wedding to Mrs. Fox, who thinks bringing a child into a criminal family is a good idea. Christ. I've not even seen this film and I already hate these two. And I'll bet a selfish woman like that wanted a big wedding, so they must have stolen loads of chickens to finance it. I wonder how many farmers went bankrupt thanks to Mr & Mrs Fox eh? I wonder if they go into that in the film? At one point I'll bet one of the farmers went to the police and Mr. Fox went around with a baseball bat and kneecapped him, just to keep him quiet.

Also what kind of a name is 'Mr. Fox'? Correct me if I'm wrong, but there's more than a couple of foxes in the world, there's bloody loads of them. Do they all have the surname 'Fox'? There are billions of humans in the world but we don't all have the surname 'Human', that'd be retarded. And if a fox gives up 'raiding farms' what's he going to do instead? Become a writer?

“Cut to a few years later: the Foxes evidently escaped and now live underground with their slightly odd son, Ash. Mr. Fox is working a safe job as a journalist.”

What? He's a sodding fox. How'd he get a job writing for a magazine when I can't? This film sounds awful. I'm going to write such a scathing review that the Littlehampton Echo won't know what hit 'em. I'm not about to promote a film about a reformed criminal thug and his loose-knickered moll lying low as they plot to ruin the lives of some hard-working farmers.

I've always wanted to go Euro Disney, but I won't be taking my parents with me though. Don't want them cramping my style.