Neonsamurai: The New Direction

Guess what? Hermione is on 'extended leave' at the moment, pending a possible criminal conviction. Who'd have thought she was the criminal type? Yes, she's grade A nut job, but a criminal? That's not really her style. I might pop around her house and see if there's anything I can do to help.

So instead of my usual battle of minds with Hermione, I get to speak to Charlie. I like Charlie. He's retired once before, and apparently got bored and got a job at the job centre. Although he says it's because he hates his wife. To be honest, Charlie hates a lot of things, particularly children because 'they ruin your life and always side with that bitch'. He also hates 'bloody spongers' but not as much as he hates talking to them, so normally when he speaks to me he just says the bits that I'm supposed to say for me just to speed things up.

Charlie (normal voice): "Have you been applying for work?"

Charlie (high voice): "Yes I have. I've applied for loads of jobs, although I'm too lazy to actually provide proof. Please can I have some free money?"

Hahaha! Charlie cracks me up. It's like he's doing a stand up routine. I told him he should be a comedian, and he said I should get a bloody job, which is cool, because that's what I intend to do. However, having said this the only jobs that are available are shelf stacking, farm work and verge cleaning. When I asked him about any high paying jobs Charlie said "No. Nothing. Except this very highly paid job to be a millionaire playboy living in Monaco and having the life of bloody Riley." But it turned out that job didn't actually exist, and Charlie was being funny again (I'll bet it's never dull at the Job Centre when you work with him, much like Whoopee Goldberg).

But, like what often happens in a cop film when something unrelated happens, causing the cop to click his fingers and say something like "wait a minute... Pineapples are acidic..." I said "wait a minute... Stand up comedians earn a fortune...." To which Charlie said "Next!"

So I'm intending to become a stand up comedian like Frankie Boyle, or Russell Brand who earn an absolute fortune. As I often say, if you can review a film then you can do anything.

Financial Problems

Why is it that Nelson Mandela sets off bombs left, right and centre all over South Africa then a few years later ends up being preseident, but I fake my own death ONCE and try to claim benefits and I can't get a loan? And there were a few other things as well, mostly involving the police.

When I asked my bank manager this exact same question (obviously omitting the police stuff) he just looked blankly at me and pretended to be confused. What's that Richard Morely (of Lloyds TSB. 17 The High Street, Littlehampton)? Can't argue with the truth? I guess if The Special A.K.A. had written a song about my unfair treatment at the hands of Thames Valley Police (chiefly their canine unit) then I might now have twenty thousand pounds that I could use to buy my beautiful fiance Natalia Tarasov a plane ticket to the UK (plane tickets are much more expensive in Russia). It seems that yet again society attempts to step in and prevent me from being with the woman I love.

Well not this time. I'm not about to roll over and let true love get away, so I'm going to sacrifice my own happiness to be with Natalia. I'm going to get a job.

You'd think that the Job Centre would actually be happy about this, after all it's their job to give people jobs. It's like a grocer would be happy if vegetarians came in his shop and wanted to buy vegetables, because that's what he sells. The vegetarians get to make their god-awful food and the grocer gets money to buy a car of something. Everyone's happy. But is Hermione pleased to hear that I'm looking for a job? Is she hell. All she wanted to talk about is how unqualified I am for practically everything, why she won't call Sir Alan Sugar for me, lowering my expectations and finally how I shouldn't be allowed near women, which was nothing to do with applying for jobs, just her personal opinion. Now let's break this down and analyse it:

1. Not qualified. Well correct me if I'm wrong, but David Cameron has never been a prime minister before, but they gave him a job doing it. Had Neil Armstrong been to the moon before? Erm... No! So I guess they weren't qualified were they? If we only gave jobs to people who weren't qualified then we'd be in a right old state wouldn't we?
2. Won't call Sir Alan Sugar. The man employs any old moron. I watched his show twice and none of the contestants seemed particularly good. Besides, I need money fast and he pays £100K a year, which'll mean I'll have the money to buy Natalia's ticket in less than 3 months (which she won't like. She hates being apart from me).
3. Lowering my expectations. Every film I've seen has told me the exact OPPOSITE of this. You need to shoot for the sky. Did the kids from 'Fame' want an ordinary, run of the mill job, or did they want to be superstars? If you haven't seen it, they wanted the later, so why should I accept a job beneath me?
4. Not allowed near women. Hermione's mental.

My job requirements are pretty simple: I need a well-paid job, requiring only a few hours work a week (preferably from home) and probably in some kind of managerial capacity, where I can help motivate my staff (preferably by phone). Now if Hermione was good at her job, she'd find me something like that, but apparently Hermione is even worse at her job as she is at spotting 'perverts' because all she could offer me was stacking shelves, farm work or cleaning the verges on the A27, none of which reach my minimum requirements.

Unless films have lied to me (I'M LOOKING AT YOU 'MRS DOUBTFIRE') when you're out of options and desperate for help an impassioned speech will often change the mind of the seemingly cold-hearted official. So I told Hermione of Natalia, of our chance encounter, shared interests, mutual love for one another, her obsession with shitting on the SAS and the cruel twist of fate that we are separated by a simple lack of money.

Now I thought Hermione might get a bit teary-eyed, then reach inside her draw and give me a job description for a games tester paying a couple of hundred grand a year. But instead she said with slow deliberation "You're trying to buy a woman?" and then lunged at me. Luckily the guards got to her in time, before she could do any real damage.

But when you're in Love this is what you have to expect.

Job Vacancy

Oh my god! Check this out: Jonathan Ross to Leave BBC.

The BBC's No 1 film reviewer isn't renewing his contract! He's leaving! I'm no
mathematician, but that means that they are one film reviewer short. Anyone
know any good film reviewers who are currently in need of work? Well I can
only think of one, and that's me!

From every possible angle I can think of, it makes 100% sense for the BBC to
employ me to fill the role: I'm unemployed, am a film reviewer, have watched
hundreds of films and am happy to watch more films. Sure, I've never actually
presented a show before, but I've given evidence in court, which is practically
same thing.

Dave's mum said I should definitely write to the BBC for a job, (but probably
not for this job though) and to get one of the people at the clinic to give me a
hand with the letter. Pffft! To be honest the people at the clinic mostly just tell
me my ideas are wrong or that 'maybe I should do something less violent', so
why should I get them to help me? I'll write it myself, that'll rub that exasperated
look of Hermione's stupid face.