Orca Imposter

As regular readers will know, I'm an open-minded guy who tends to take everyone at face value (NOT YOU JAVIER, YOU'RE A DICK), and I'm willing to accept that we all make mistakes. But what I will not stand for is blatant lying, and like my friend Dave who has the ability to 'scope' a sniper at a thousand metres, I can spot a liar a mile off (which is a figure of speech, not an exact measurement).

So imagine how angry THIS made me.

Ask Shamu? ASK SHAMU? Shamu didn't answer those questions, (unless I'm confused and Shamu is actually a person. But let's be honest, would you call your kid Shamu? It's a worse name than 'Mo' Nique' and sounds like a hair-care product).

Now understand, that I'm not getting angry just because Shamu is a killer whale like 'Free Willy', but because basically somebody is pretending to be somebody they're not. In this case they're pretending to be a bloody-great underwater killing machine. Does anyone reading that website actually believe that those are the answers given by a real orca? If you asked a killer whale any of those questions you definitely wouldn't get a coherent answer:

Q: Why is a killer whale called a killer whale?
A: "SQUEEAAAK! SQUEEAAAK!"

Q: Is the killer whale really a killer?
A: "SQUEEAAAK! ROOOOAAAAAAR!

Q: CHRIST! MY ARM! ARRGH... GLUB! GARGLE!
A: "ROOOOAAAARRRR!"

DON'T DENY THAT WOULDN'T HAPPEN DEREK PALMERS BECAUSE IT DAMN WELL WOULD.

So although I'm not actually reviewing a film today I think it's equally important to tell people that just because something is written on the internet doesn't mean that the person (or black and white carnivorous behemoth) who wrote is actually who they say they are.



Update: Still no twitter response from @Nikolekidman, who apparently 'love Act'.

New Oscar Awards

"And winner of Most Stupid Face goes to..."

Best Actress, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Writer, Best Screenplay, Best Editor etc. That's a pretty boring list of categories for the Oscars. No wonder nobody bothers watching it these days. I mean, honestly who cares? If the Hollywood wants to make the Oscars popular again then they need some kind of maverick, loose-cannon with a great deal of film knowledge to shake things up and get people tuning in again. And by maverick, loose-cannon I mean me.

Here are my suggestions for new awards that we should have at the Oscars, including people whom I believe should have been this years winners.

Biggest Stupid Idiot: Ang Lee - Oh dear. Looks like Ang Lee is the biggest stupid idiot in Hollywood. How did that happen Ang? Well maybe because some of us remember 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'. To be completely honest it was a miracle that the Hulk actually made an appearance in 'The Hulk'. And I saw 'Brokeback Mountain' a few weeks back, which made me feel very uncomfortable, particularly when Dave started going back to watch some bits again.

Rudest Actress: Nicole Kidman - FIVE LETTERS AND ONE TWEET KIDMAN. I'm not a mathematician but that's 6 attempts I've made to contact you and have had zero response. Know what? I'm going to tweet Hugh Jackman and tell him how rude you Americans are. How'd you like that eh? Oh what's that? No response? Well there's a surprise.

Most Ridiculous Name: Mo'Nique - Is that you're first name or your last name? I'm pretty sure you can't actually have a name like that. I tried changing my name years back, but they don't let you choose names that make you sound like a spaz. Well clearly they do in America.

Most Stupid Face: Peter Jackson - Out of all the people in Hollywood it turns out that Jackson has the most stupid face. Ha! Take THAT Jackson! Maybe then you'll realise how offensive the whole 'Lord of the Rings' series was to everybody. Oh look, it's Jesus on a horse. Oh look there's another Jesus and now some trees have come alive. I can't believe you wrote that rubbish.

I've got loads of other awards that I can give to 'Dr' Stephen Hawking, Jewel from 'Jewel in the Nile', 'Free Willy', John Nash and Emily Stephenson, so it's clearly something I've put a lot of thought into.

Oscars

Well another year goes by and Hollywood completely fails to ask for my opinions on who and what should be winning Oscars again. Do you know why? It's because I'm a maverick, a loose-cannon film reviewer who breaks the rules and tells it like it is. You want a simple film review then walk on by pal because if you turn down Neonsamurai Street get ready for film-criticism that'll blow your mind.

So which films and people should have won this year? Well here's the official Neonsamurai Oscars 2010 results:

Best Picture: Avatar - I haven't actually seen 'The Hurt Locker' but Avatar had these huge, blue aliens and massive fighting suits which I think was enough to win it an Oscar.

Actor in a Leading Role: Dr Who - I really enjoyed watching the last few episodes of Dr Who, but the role was played by two actors; David Tennants and Matt Smith. So I think the award should go to the role instead.

Actress in a Leading Role: Sandra Bullock - Well done Hollywood. You got this one right. Other possible choices could have been Whoopee Goldberg or Famke Janssen, but certainly not Nicole Kidman, who apparently is also incapable of responding to tweets.

Actor in a Supporting Role: Christoph Waltz - Being old enough to appreciate it I thought 'Inglorious Bastards' was a good film. My mate Dave said that Waltz was particularly good, mainly because he's an expert on military history. He's got some buttons that came off Hitler's jacket which are 24 carat gold.

Actress in a Supporting Role: Whoopee Goldberg - I've no idea who this Mo'Nique is. Is that even a proper name? Sounds like an X-Men villain. What does it say on her credit card? 'Ms M Nique'? Sounds like part of a Bill Cosby monologue. Ridiculous.

Animated Feature Film: Avatar - Most of it was computer animated. I didn't bother going to see 'Up' either. Dave wanted to watch 'District 9' instead.

Foreign Language Film: Who Cares? - No, that's not the name of a film, it's just that nobody cares.

So not really a great deal of difference, apart from Dr Who creeping in to win best actor, and the brilliantly talented (and very funny) Whoopee Goldberg getting best supporting actress. Did you know that Whoopee Goldberg is married to Ted Danson? Imagine how hilarious their life must be? I just know that Whoopee and I would be such great friends.