Friday, 5 March 2010

Complete Basterds

Neonsamurai's 'Inglourious Basterds' review:

Today I have decided to review a film called 'Inglourious Basterds', which I think was supposed to be called 'Inglorious Bastards'. Not a big problem for me as I knew what they were trying to spell, but other, less intelligent or younger viewers might have been confused. I mean imagine if you were 10 years old and you were trying to review this film? You firstly wouldn't understand the title and also you won't be able to review it FOR ANOTHER 8 YEARS.

It's an '18' certificate you see.

The film is about an elite squad of Nazi hunters who are parachuted behind enemy lines and run around killing as many Germans as they can. As an adult I can deal with a concept like this because I know that the real world is a dangerous and violent place, much like a Jean Claude Van Damme movie, but for somebody much younger they'd probably just freak out and go mental. Let's say there was a gala premier and there was all these important people like royalty and members of parliament and Brad Pitt said “And once we're in enemy territory, as a bushwhackin' guerrilla army, we're gonna be doin' one thing and one thing only... killin' Nazis.” then this ten year old goes berserk because she can't handle it. They'll just have to cancel the premier AND arrest the ten year old for sneaking into an 18 rated movie. Well sorry Quentin Tarrantino, but some kid has just blown your Oscar chances. Are you sure you want an under-age film reviewer watching your movie? Answer: No.

Whilst killing Nazis behind enemy lines the special forces squad find out that the Germans are putting together a gala performance of a new film about war hero Frederick Zoller, at a cinema run by a Jewish woman who wants revenge for her families murder (obviously the Germans don't know the last bit, or if they did they're really thick). But what really gets the Nazi hunters attention is that the whole of the German high command will be there, including Adolf Hitler, making it the kind of target that could allow them to end the war with one fatal blow. Brad Pitt and his men join forces with a famous German actress who attempts to smuggle them into the cinema, ready to deal death to the Nazis. I don't want to spoil the plot, but imagine if a 10 year old had sneaked into the gala premier, saw Pvt Zoller killing loads of allies, freaked out, went mental, let go of her duck and it started flapping through all the German dignitaries? They would cancel the movie and the Germans would have all gone home and the special forces team couldn't have killed them all and ended the war. All because some 10 year old film reviewer couldn't handle real life. Brilliant. Nice one Emily, you've just extended World War Two by another four years, which leads to countless deaths and human misery.

I don't mean to tell the BBC how to do their job, but do they want that sort of thing happening at the Cannes Film Festival, because their recruitment team thought a 10 year old could do an adults job? Of course not.

Luckily though, there were no 10 year old, duck-owning, wannabe film reviewers in the movie (clever move Quentin) making it a far more enjoyable experience for everyone involved. I think the film was well acted, funny and also brutally violent. Another tour-de-force from America's no 1, non-child-friendly film-maker.

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