Tuesday, 19 January 2010

So it Begins

Welcome to my blog! It's been so long since I was last allowed near a computer that I thought a logical way back into the world of movie reviewing was for me to blog about them rather than use the clearly defunct method of posting on imdb, or writing to universally despised publications like Empire Magazine, who simply tell you “we're not looking for any new reviewers at the moment” even though you just know they'd let Stephen Hawking review films. What does Hawking know about films? Nothing. I might not know who invented space, but I've seen the Matrix nine times (you read that right. Nine), so I think you'll find that makes me an expert not you Hawking.

Anyway, I've decided to kick this blog off with a bang by reviewing the biggest film to hit cinemas since that one with Gerard Butler in when he blew up a car. I'm not sure what it was called 'I'm in a State' or 'Estate' or something. I didn't go and see it though, but I just saw the trailer. He went to prison in it and I think grew a beard. The film I did review though was 'Avatar'.

NeonSamurai's Avatar Review:

Imagine you're in a wheelchair. No fun is it? Nobody takes you seriously and there's no chance of getting a job. Unless you're Stephen 'Give me a job Empire' Hawkings, then people will throw money at you, ignoring a perfectly good able-bodied film reviewer who has only been in a minimum security unit for a few months. But in the movie Avatar a guy in a wheelchair gets given a job getting inside a giant blue man. Not in a sexual way, but through his mind. There's a catch though, he has to go to another planet called Pandora which is so far away it takes 5 years just to get there!

It is, however, a beautiful but dangerous planet with lots of precious minerals that need to be mined. One of these is 'unobtainium'. Un-ob-tainium. I presume this metal was named because it can't be obtained, but clearly it can because they are. Surely 'hardtogetium' or 'veryrareium' would be much more accurate monikers for such a precious metal. Regardless of this glaringly obvious fault the corporation who own the planet have located metal 'X' (I refuse to call it unobtainium) under a tree. But there's a catch, the tree is home to these big, blue people called the Na'vi (which I think is a term used to describe a gay sailor) who aren't keen on moving. Clearly because of the estate agent motto: Location. Location. Location.

So the company sends in the wheelchair guy (a former marine) and a bunch of scientists using avatars (basically big, blue giants who look like the Na'vi) to negotiate with the locals and get them to move. Well that's a great plan. Send in trained killers and people who spend hours looking into Petri dishes to arrange to do a deal on purchasing some land? Why not send in a librarian and a couple of plumbers? Am I the only person to see the flaw here? I can only presume that wheelchair guys' dead brother was an estate agent and it was he that was supposed to go on the mission instead, using his property buying and selling skills. Oh did I mention that he only got the job because his brother died? Well he did. Fancy that EMPIRE MAGAZINE.

So apart from sending woefully unqualified people in blue giants to negotiate buying some prime real estate in order to dig up some badly named metal, what else could the company have overlooked? Oh yes, its scientists are hippies. Now I'm an open minded guy and I think that hippies have a place in society (working in a health food shop, or for the RSPCA) but not in a proper company. That's like a health food shop employing Rush Limbaugh as an assistant. You'd be like “am I in the right shop? This food clearly doesn't work.” Same goes for hippies. If I turned up for a job at 'Weapons, Oil and Burgers International' and the first thing my boss said to me was “okay man, you gotta feel the earth's vibe.” I'd be like “surely we're here to kick the earth's arse, not feel its vibe!”

Anyway, after that take a guess at what happens? That's right military intervention. Bish bash bosh. Job done. End of. Now that would be that. The tree is out of the way and everybody's happy. The company can get on with the mining and the Na'vi can all go and act like blue-coloured emo's around a radioactive weeping willow. But no. Wheelchair guy decides that all the able bodied people need a kicking. So he rounds up all the Na'vi on the planet and forms a huge army, as well as asking a tree for help (I wonder where he got that idea from PETER JACKSON?). Seeing that this is an act of war (because it is) the army go after them and the resulting carnage sees thousands killed. Do you think an estate agent would have raised an army? No.

But a guy in a wheelchair WHO WASN'T QUALIFIED FOR THE JOB did and got lots of people killed. That's not a theory EMPIRE MAGAZINE it's a FACT and was pretty obviously the whole point of the film.

I'm still looking for a job Empire Magazine. I have no brother, don't use a wheelchair, have watched loads of films and wouldn't sleep with a giant blue lady unless I could sleep with a normal one instead. Face it I'm your best choice as a film reviewer.

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