Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Movie Script: From Russia with Love & Guns

"Neonsamurai reviews films because he's so untalented that he can't write his own."

Is that what you think? Well for your information I have written loads of scripts and one was actually turned into a film starring Sean Connery. How many scripts have you had turned into a film? I'm going to make a quick guess now: ZERO.

I also wrote a script called 'Jihad Act' which was a Whoopee Goldberg vehicle, but all copies of that were seized by the FBI.

Well guess what? I wrote a new film script last night, just like that, because that's the kind of guy I am. I felt inspiration and just went for it and it's a really good story too. It's about a secret agent who falls in love with a Russian model and has to fight everyone in order to marry her. Sure, I can say that I've written a script, but guess what, I ACTUALLY HAVE:

By Neonsamurai

Opening scene: A secret agent, codenamed 'The Samurai' is having something to eat at KFC, when some kids start hassling him.

Kids: "Hey you loser! You're such a loser, you square."

The Samurai: "That's right, I am a square. A square in a round hole!"

Before the kids have a chance to act The Samurai pulls out a machine gun and shoots them all. People dive for cover as the bullets stitch through them ruining the KFC's decor.


Colonel Sanders: "Well done Samurai. Those kids have been bothering the staff and customers for the last few minutes. Your unorthodox methods have saved the day."

The Samurai: "It's what I do."


New Scene: The Samurai is back at his office and is getting told off by his boss for being unorthodox. It's in a secret base a mile underground.

Boss Man: "Dammit Samurai! You're the best, but you're also too unorthodox and a maverick who plays by his own rules. Being so reckless is bad!"

The Samurai: "Oh yeah? Tell that to Colonel Sanders!"

Boss Man: "Dammit Samurai! I've got a very important mission for you in Russia. You need to go there and not fight anybody until you can rescue a double agent called Natalia. But under no circumstances are you to fall in love with her."

The Samurai: "I'm sure I won't. You know how much I hate the Russians after what they did to my partner. I also strongly dislike Australians, and nothing in the world can change my opinions."

Boss Man: "I don't want this clouding your judgment. You're too close. As of now you're off the case."

The Samurai: "Then I quit. I'm going to bring those bastards down if it's the last thing I do, even if I have to do it on my own!"

Boss Man: "Alright Samurai. I'm giving you 48 hours to get to Russia, not fight any baddies and not fall in love with Natalia. Don't let me down or my boss (the Queen) will have me executed. Can you guarantee a successful mission?"

The Samurai: "It's what I do."

-----Opening Titles-----

Obviously this is just the part of the film before the opening credits, but I've written several pages more, and let me tell you they're very good. Plus the film has loads of product placement and has the catchphrase "It's what I do."

Now what I'm intending to do is tweet this script to some of my twitter associates (including international mega-star and friend TOM CRUISE) and bring in a bit of interest for the screenplay and then start a bidding war. Ideally I'm looking for about twenty grand, but if I can get anymore it's a bonus.

Note: Just because I'm now a scriptwriter doesn't mean you can't also donate money for reading my blog.

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