Review Review

Today I've decided to review a review done by another reviewer, as a kind of workshop for those of you thinking about becoming a professional reviewers like me. Picking one at random I decided to review one recently produced by Emily Stephenson for a recent competition in the Littlehampton Echo. Apparently she's some hot-shot new film critic who's as good as the BBC's premier film reviewer Jonathan Ross. Let's find out. Firstly here is the review in its entirety:

Fantastic Mr Fox Film Review by Emily Hopkins.

I really enjoyed Fantastic Mr. Fox because my daddy used to read me the book at night when I was in bed and I was really excited when it was made into a film. It's very different from the book, but really good and very funny because both daddy and I laughed a lot when we saw it at the cinema. My favourite character was Felicity Fox who kept telling Mr. Fox off for being so silly. I also liked the way that when the animals were arguing they would say 'cuss' rather than use naughty words. I will definitely ask for the DVD of the film for my birthday.

If I had to sum up Fantastic Mr. Fox in one word, it would be FANTASTIC!

Now let's take a closer look at this 'review' just to see if it's as good as the delusional staff of the echo think it is, starting with the title:

"Fantastic Mr Fox Film Review by Emily Hopkins."

Well duh? Who do you think wrote it Emily? Hitler? I also find that the title is the best place for the reviewer to set the tone for the rest of the critique, so if the film is rubbish why not use a play on words like 'Fantastic Mr. Arse', 'Spazmodic Mr. Fox', or even 'Spazmodic Mr. Arse'. That saves people reading the last paragraph instead.

"I really enjoyed Fantastic Mr. Fox because my daddy used to read me the book at night when I was in bed and I was really excited when it was made into a film."

Emily this is a film review not a book review, and nobody cares what goes on whilst you're in bed. Stick to reviewing the film. And what do you mean 'really excited when it was made into a film'? Where you skipping around gleefully at the idea that a book about a criminal fox and his lipstick-smeared hag-of-a-wife had been transferred to celluloid, or is that just something you used to make up the required number of words for a valid entry?

"It's very different from the book, but really good and very funny because both daddy and I laughed a lot when we saw it at the cinema."

Stick to reviewing the bloody movie, not the sodding book that nobody read. What's next? Are you going to start basing your film reviews on the toys you get in a McDonalds Happy Meal? "Oh. It was a good film, but nothing like the little plastic monkey with spinning arms I got with my McFlurry." You should know this! It's basic film-review knowledge! And what's your dad got to do with 'Fantastic Mr. Fox'? Stick to the film.

"My favourite character was Felicity Fox who kept telling Mr. Fox off for being so silly."

Felicity Fox was rubbish.

"I also liked the way that when the animals were arguing they would say 'cuss' rather than use naughty words."

What? naughty words like arse, bum, willy, tadger, knob, hooters, wah-wahs, winky and bottom juice? That's right Emily, I don't hold back with profanities, I tell it like it is and if the people can't handle it that's their problem. You play it safe and that's why you fail.

"I will definitely ask for the DVD of the film for my birthday."

YAWN. Bored already. Pretty lame review so far.

"If I had to sum up Fantastic Mr. Fox in one word, it would be FANTASTIC!"

Oh well done. What a clever way to end a review? Using a descriptive word used in the film's title to describe the film. But what what would you have done if there were no adjectives for you to use in the title? Oh what then Emily? I'll bet you'd just give up and go to play with 'Mr Quackles' or demand that your father reads you a story whilst you laze around like the Queen of Sheba. It's pretty obvious that you can only review certain types of films that tell you what to think in the title. Here's how I ended my review of 'Fantastic Mr. Fox' for the Littlehampton Echo:

"So in summary the kind of people who will probably like 'Fantastic Mr. Fox' are violent gypsies, or people who'd murder an old lady in her sleep then dress up in her clothes and then withdraw all her life savings and then spend it on drugs that they'd sell to primary school kids."

Which one are you Emily? Which one are you?