Website Roundup

I'm bored.

This business of lying low is really boring. I honestly don't know how Salman Rushdie did it. He probably had a Sky Box and a subscription to Love Film, since he made all that money from worshipping Satan and writing a book about it. I'd probably do something similar, but I'm sort of an atheist. I believe in God, but I don't believe in Satan, because obviously God is all powerful and would kick the living crap out of Satan.

God: "Hello everyone. I'd like it if you all loved each other and were very nice to everyone."

Humanity: "That's all well and good God, but Satan keeps telling us to lie, cheat and kill each other."

God: "He did? That bastard's fuckin' dead!"

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Satan: "Oh. Hello God. Erm... What are you doing here?"

God: "Taking you to the fuckin' cleaners!"

Satan: "Jesus Christ! No!"

God: "My name's God you toilet!"

That's pretty much what would have happened (including the profanity, God doesn't mince his words), hence no Satan, which means Rushdie was worshipping a false god. What a spaz. No wonder he went into hiding.

But all this theological discussion doesn't stop me being really bored. So I decided to browse the internet and tell you the best (and worst) websites that I can find:

Spycatcher of Knightsbridge:

This is a great site. Everything you need for surveillance, pursuit, videoing and ultimately capturing of women. Obviously the purpose of this equipment isn't gender specific, but why on earth you want to capture a man? I also must stress that the only reason I would capture a woman is for scientific purposes, as part of an ongoing study. Any of you who want to help further research into this important and overlooked area of science please feel free to donate money to my PayPal account (see the link to the right). I'd use the money to buy these: Tornado Night Vision Goggles.

Tom Cruise Website:

As many of you are probably aware, Tom Cruise and I are both friends on Twitter and I regularly email him film advice in a way that only a movie critic can. So plugging his website is just the sort of thing that industry chums do. I told him not to appear in anything with Ang Lee and Tom listened. That's what makes him such a good actor, because he knows when to listen.

Stalker

Well this one is rubbish. It's for a stupid computer game that looks awful. And to make matters worse there are NO WOMEN in the game. Talk about flagrant false advertising. DO NOT VISIT.

Ask Shamu

I want to make this abundantly clear that there is no possible way that 'Shamu' is answering any of the questions that an anonymous web developer is posing it. It's a KILLER WHALE for God's sake! They can't speak, or even use simple sign language like monkeys, so how they think they can fool me into believing that any of what's there has be run past an aquatic, seal-killing behemoth is insulting.

Here's a question for you 'Shamu'; what do you take me for? An idiot? Well? Is that what you think I am 'Shamu'? A simpleton? Some dullard who believes everything a 'whale' tells him? "Oh look at me. I'm conversing with a giant, carnivorous, underwater cow!" Guess again because I've seen through your tu-penny ha-penny charade and am disgusted that you think I'd fall for it.

WHO'S THE IDIOT NOW SHAMU? EH? WHAT'S THAT? NO COMEBACK?