Tuesday 26 October 2010

Empire of My Arse


Will this waste of paper be any good? Read on to find out.

Thankfully I had a break from the monoteny involved in 'lying low' as Dave calls it when I went up to see him in Aylesbury this weekend. He's been away at his nan's house in Bristol for a week with his mum and dad, but that was a cover story as he was actually lying low as well, but from the Yakuza.

Apparently he went to Bristol Zoo and a kid somehow got into the gorilla enclosure. Everyone was freaking out and the zoo keepers (all girls) were too scared to go inside the enclosure because the male gorilla is very territorial and was going to kill the kid. So Dave jumped over the fence and stared down the gorilla, until it backed off and then got the kid out safely. This is because with gorillas you need to show them who is boss, and then they don't mess with you. Dave also got off with the zoo keepers who were really impressed by his bravery.

Now most reviewers of things would consider kidnapping a reason NOT to carry on providing reviews of things. I'm pretty sure Terry Waite sat around doing nothing for four years whilst in captivity, then wrote a book about it when he came out. But honestly, what would he have to write about? "Monday: Nothing happened. Tuesday: Nothing happened. Wednesday... etc." Imagine if Terry Waite had written a 'choose you own adventure' book based on his experiences. No matter what page you turned to, sod all would happen, well except for the last page which would read 'went home'. I, however, used the time of my captivity to read magazines with the intention of reviewing them later. Admittedly there were only two magazines to read; Empire Magazine and Heat.

As most regular readers will know, I'm an open-minded guy, so I thought I'd cast any previous misgivings about Empire Magazine employing poorly experienced disabled people scientists as reviewers rather than somebody whom to date has written nearly ONE HUNDRED reviews of things, aside. And done it for free (Paypal has thus far provided me with ZERO finances, even though I'm providing up to the minute reviews of all sorts of things. Can YOU find another review of 'Weapons of the Gulf War'? I doubt it because I'm pretty sure I'm the only one. And just because I haven't been paid doesn't make me an amateur film reviewer. I'm a professional. I used to work in a video shop for crying out loud. Did Claudia Winkleman ever work in a video shop? Erm... NO).

Neonsamurai's 'Empire Magazine' Review.

Just looking art the cover I knew that the magazine was going to be rubbish. It tries to stay current, advertising the latest films and previews, with big name interviews and behind-the-scenes specials, but let's be honest the shower of hacks they've got doing the reviews are living in the past. For a start they could all do with reading 'Neonsamurai's Guide to being a Reviewer', an excellent starting point for any 'would be' film reviewer.

Virtually every film that they review takes an almost polar opposite view of how good or bad a film is, when compared to those of neonsamurai.kicks-ass.net, and doesn't even mention Tim Lovejoys Football Heroes. Sure, I didn't like it either, but I acknowledge it (OH, BUT YOU CAN'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE A JOB APPLICATION CAN YOU EMPIRE?). It's almost as if the people responsible are of a completely different mindset to myself, or dullards as I like to call it. They even had preview of the latest Ang Lee film; 'The life of Pi', which goes something like this:
Based on the novel by Yann Martel, is an adventure story centering on Pi Patel, the precocious son of a zookeeper. Citizens of Pondicherry, India, the family decides to move to Canada, hitching a ride on a huge freighter. After a shipwreck, Pi is found adrift in the Pacific Ocean on a 26-foot lifeboat with a zebra, a hyena, an orangutan and a 450-pound Bengal tiger named Richard Parker, all fighting for survival.
You read that right. A 450-pound Bengal tiger named Richard Parker. I went to school with a kid call Richard Parker and he got stuck under one of the prefabricated huts because somebody told him there was a gold statue under it. Well I told him there was, but what was he doing listening to a 12 year old in the first place? Idiot. Turns out it was part of a Kit Kat wrapper that had somehow blown into the entrance to a badger warren that was under there. Besides, the fire brigade got there fairly quickly, and girls love a scar.

Anyway, Ang Lee's film sounds rubbish already. Quick question: What do you get if you put a child, a zebra, a hyena, a monkey and a tiger in a confined space? Answer: Bloody carnage. Oh but I bet Ang won't be showing that will he? Oh no. In fact judging by his previous films we won't even see 'Richard Parker' in the finished movie. To be honest, 'Richard Parker' sounds like some kind of euphemism for somebody having some kind of embarrassing medical complain.
Bystander 1: "Oooh. That bloke's just had a 'Richard Parker'."

Bystander 2: "Oh no. What all the way?"

Bystander 1: "Yeah. Right up."

Bystander 2: "Jesus."
That's how crap you films are Lee, if people start turning your characters into metaphors for bottom problems.

I'm too angry to carry on. This review is over.

Monday 4 October 2010

Neon Does 'Top Gear'


No, that's not street parlance for taking drugs, I'm referring to popular car review programme 'Top Gear'. In case you haven't seen it, Top Gear is a brilliant show where these guys just have a laugh driving cars, or doing zany or wacky things involving cars. Once, they drove through the Southern States of the USA with cars with logos on them saying "gay love rules OK"! How crazy is that?! But this isn't a review of a car review show (BUT SO WHAT IF IT IS JAVIER? IT'S MY BLOG AND I'LL REVIEW WHAT THE HELL I LIKE. MAYBE WHEN YOU'VE WRITTEN A SUCCESSFUL BLOG I'LL LISTEN. BUT YOU HAVEN'T SO SHUT UP), but merely a comparison as I'm also quite a zany guy.

For example, when I go to the local recycling centre the guys who work there shout "Look out! It's Stig of the dump!" To which I make car noises as if I'm driving really fast, and move my hands as if steering a car. It's this kind of in-joke that we have, since 'The Stig' is actually a mysterious driver who races cars on Top Gear. I can't actually drive a car though, insomuch as I had my license suspended after I drove past a nightclub and Rufus leapt out and attacked a bouncer. In my opinion this is no reason to revoke a person's driving license because a rabid koala attacked someone.

Well, I sort of threw him at the bouncer. But whilst being a bit unusual it's hardly a criminal act. Still, you do zany things when you're drunk.

Anyway, my review is just the sort of thing they'd do on Top Gear, because I did mine in the boot of a Ford Mondeo (old shape, not the new one), which is a pretty crazy thing to do. Actually if they do try reviewing cars from inside the boot on Top Gear then they've stolen my idea. And it's not the first time I've been locked in the boot of a car (or had my ideas stolen Tom Schulman
); Thames Valley Police used to do it whenever they found me at the scene of an 'incident'. It was a new policy apparently that only applied to me. That was just before the chief constable had his nervous breakdown.

Now as cars go I think that the Mondeo is an underrated vehicle. It has a sizeable boot, and comes in a variety of colours. Dave's dad used to drive one and said that it might not look like an Aston Martin, it handles well and was perfect for towing their caravan. Theirs was an estate car though, so the storage area at the rear of their car was different.

The Mondeo's boot is lined with a strange sort of fur, which is neither soft nor fluffy. I kind of imagine it's what Sean Connery's back must feel like, although I'm sure that doesn't smell of petrol like the Mondeo's boot does. Also, there were some old plastic bags, that people normally put fertiliser in. Obviously these aren't a standard feature in a Mondeo, and ultimately you're entitled to put whatever you like in the boot of your car.

So in summary I'd have to say that the old shape Ford Mondeo is a good car, with a NeonSamurai Kick-ass rating of 12.

Reviews Ahoy!



Well after a failed kidnap attempt I'm back and I've got loads of things to review!

"What sort of things have you got to review Neon?" You may ask, well literally loads of things including some toilets! WHERE'S YOUR TOILET REVIEWS EMPIRE MAGAZINE? In fact I've had the chance to review lots of magazines during my time away, and I even read Empire Magazine. To be honest, it's rubbish. If I'd subscribed to Empire Magazine I'd demand my money back and use the refund to pay the owner of a free blog for providing some ground-breaking reviews. Incidentally any money pledged to me via PayPal will no longer be used to fly Natalia over to the UK.

Here's my list of things I'll be reviewing over the coming weeks:

Ford Mondeo - Particularly it's boot space.

Heat Magazine - The UK's 'premier' gossip magazine.

Empire Magazine - The UK's 'premier' film review magazine.

Loose Women
- Not what you think it's about. Just old women talking about boring stuff.

Pot Noodle - Can you survive on two Pot Noodles a day? Well I did.

Handcuffs - Not sure of the brand, but they worked. Why not buy yourself a pair from the site I've decided to sponsor called SpyCatcher of Knightsbridge? I'm pretty sure any woman you handcuffed to a radiator for a few weeks would be at your mercy, and they only cost a few quid.*

Liverpool Street Station Toilets
- Normally toilets are free to use, so how do 'expensive' toilets perform?

My New Acer Laptop - NeonSamurai moves into the future with his latest laptop.

So as you can see there's lots of reasons to check out neonsamurai.kicks-ass.net over the next few weeks, particularly if you're thinking about carrying out a kidnapping, or wondering which magazine (not) to subscribe to.



*NeonSamurai's Movie Reviews does not endorse the senseless capturing and imprisonment of women. However if it's for scientific or research purposes then I'm sure that's fine. I was sent on a course by Thames Valley Police outlining how women aren't simply objects and should never be imprisoned, except by officers of the law for crimes and stuff. But I'm pretty sure those were just guidelines. Besides, when that Avon lady got loose they didn't imprison her for violently assaulting me with a frying pan, so the law has a fairly flexible interpretation of right an wrong.

Friday 20 August 2010

NeonSamurai now on Facebook!


That's right! I'm on Facebook!


You can visit my profile and become friends here: NeonSamurai on Facebook.

Mostly just looking to meet girls at the moment though.

Tuesday 17 August 2010

Website Roundup


I'm bored.

This business of lying low is really boring. I honestly don't know how Salman Rushdie did it. He probably had a Sky Box and a subscription to Love Film, since he made all that money from worshipping Satan and writing a book about it. I'd probably do something similar, but I'm sort of an atheist. I believe in God, but I don't believe in Satan, because obviously God is all powerful and would kick the living crap out of Satan.

God: "Hello everyone. I'd like it if you all loved each other and were very nice to everyone."

Humanity: "That's all well and good God, but Satan keeps telling us to lie, cheat and kill each other."

God: "He did? That bastard's fuckin' dead!"

--------------------------

Satan: "Oh. Hello God. Erm... What are you doing here?"

God: "Taking you to the fuckin' cleaners!"

Satan: "Jesus Christ! No!"

God: "My name's God you toilet!"

That's pretty much what would have happened (including the profanity, God doesn't mince his words), hence no Satan, which means Rushdie was worshipping a false god. What a spaz. No wonder he went into hiding.

But all this theological discussion doesn't stop me being really bored. So I decided to browse the internet and tell you the best (and worst) websites that I can find:

Spycatcher of Knightsbridge:

This is a great site. Everything you need for surveillance, pursuit, videoing and ultimately capturing of women. Obviously the purpose of this equipment isn't gender specific, but why on earth you want to capture a man? I also must stress that the only reason I would capture a woman is for scientific purposes, as part of an ongoing study. Any of you who want to help further research into this important and overlooked area of science please feel free to donate money to my PayPal account (see the link to the right). I'd use the money to buy these: Tornado Night Vision Goggles.

Tom Cruise Website:

As many of you are probably aware, Tom Cruise and I are both friends on Twitter and I regularly email him film advice in a way that only a movie critic can. So plugging his website is just the sort of thing that industry chums do. I told him not to appear in anything with Ang Lee and Tom listened. That's what makes him such a good actor, because he knows when to listen.

Stalker

Well this one is rubbish. It's for a stupid computer game that looks awful. And to make matters worse there are NO WOMEN in the game. Talk about flagrant false advertising. DO NOT VISIT.

Ask Shamu

I want to make this abundantly clear that there is no possible way that 'Shamu' is answering any of the questions that an anonymous web developer is posing it. It's a KILLER WHALE for God's sake! They can't speak, or even use simple sign language like monkeys, so how they think they can fool me into believing that any of what's there has be run past an aquatic, seal-killing behemoth is insulting.

Here's a question for you 'Shamu'; what do you take me for? An idiot? Well? Is that what you think I am 'Shamu'? A simpleton? Some dullard who believes everything a 'whale' tells him?
"Oh look at me. I'm conversing with a giant, carnivorous, underwater cow!" Guess again because I've seen through your tu-penny ha-penny charade and am disgusted that you think I'd fall for it.

WHO'S THE IDIOT NOW SHAMU? EH? WHAT'S THAT? NO COMEBACK?

Monday 16 August 2010

Neonsamurai Kicks Ass: FACT!

I am still in hiding.

No sign of Burian (or Rufus) since the 'incident', which we've all agreed was not my fault. If he wants to press charges then he's going to look pretty stupid taking a koala to court. And let's be honest, it wouldn't get that far when the judge realised that Rufus was actually a small, aggressive marsupial and couldn't give evidence. Although I don't think that matters in Pakistan, where people marry goats.

Needless to say I've been having to find things to keep me occupied during my time in hiding. Firstly I tried calling Thames Valley Police, as I'm on their witness protection scheme, but they denied all knowledge of this. In fact they went as far as to say that they don't actually have a 'witness protection scheme', which meant I was either speaking to an idiot, or it's actually so top secret that they deny it exists, which I think is probably the latter. Although in all fairness, even Littlehampton Police deny the existence of it too. Very professional.

As I've not been able to return 'Cloverfield' to Scope, and get a decent film out (probably 'Doom'), and my research into women isn't possible unless they walk past my flat, I've been watching day time television. Now most of it is rubbish, but some of the shows are good. One of the best is Jeremy Kyle.

Basically 'The Jeremy Kyle Show' works by getting a bunch of morons on the show, getting them to argue and then having Jeremy tell them they're all dullards. For my money, it's a formula that works as there are loads of complete retards out there who are always opening their stupid gobs and coming up with all sorts of ill-considered opinions. Oh look. Here's some of their emails (to me):

"The point of Avatar was that we shouldn't impose on other races for profit, and that corporate greed is destroying the environment and indigenous societies, not that people in wheelchairs can't be trusted. You are honestly the most-untalented, self-opinionated hack I've ever read. No wonder nobody will give you a job reviewing films, you don't even know what they're about."
-squaaaaal1988

"are you for real!!?!??!?!! noone could be as dumb as you are!!!!! i feel sorry for youre koala. if i knew where you lived i would tell the cops that you mistreat that animal and you should be arrested. never dress him up in human clothes and feed him drugs. you are a FREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
-JoZo-lol-
"I'm not going to warn you again. Sonja Wade has told me where you live and if you write one more thing about Emily I'm coming over to give you a bloody good thumping!"
-Alan.Stephenson
Crazy huh? Jeremy Kyle would have them for breakfast. He'd be like "Avatar was about the incompetence of the disabled: FACT" or "a koala could pull your face of you idiot" or "where I come from that's a threat!" If they were on his show it'd almost be embarrassing to watch as he pointed out their sub-normal intellects.

For these reasons I support Jeremy Kyle. He's insulting thicko's because he cares.

Wednesday 11 August 2010

The 'easy' way to borrow money

Okay, I would have posted this on Tuesday, but I've sort of been in hiding. I've not actually got anywhere to hide though, because Dave's gone to his nan's and his mum won't let me in their house unsupervised. Not since the accident with their washing bin. So I've really just been making excuses to hang around the clinic, or at the Job Centre, which got really boring. Eventually I went into hiding at home, because I've got my laptop and my DVD player there, and at least I can do research or watch films.

So on Sunday, Burian (Grigore's friend) turns up to discuss a loan. He's not quite what I'd expected. He doesn't wear a suit, or believe in personal grooming of any sort. If fact he's not really what I'd expected a private loan arranger to be. But you do crazy things when you're in love so I invited him in, made him a cup of tea (no sugar, I've run out) and told him how much money I wanted to borrow. Big mistake.

Now, for those of you who don't know about private loans, they differ from normal loans insomuch as they don't actually involve money. Burian can't carry large sums of cash about, because he might get mugged (although at 6' 4" and built like a tank, I doubt he would), so he normally just uses 'I owe U's' so after I'd explained how much I wanted to borrow, and Burian wrote me a note saying he owed me twenty thousand pounds. Conversely I wrote him a note saying that I owed him twenty one thousand pounds (because of the interest), which he hung onto. He then explained that we had exchanged contracts and it was now a legal requirement that we honour our agreement. He then left.

So far so good. But on Monday Burian wakes me up at 9am banging on my door and demanding to be let in. Being the polite host I open the door, but he squares up to me demanding his thousand pounds, which I was legally obliged to pay him. When I tried to point out that I hadn't actually received my twenty thousand pounds he slapped my face and told me to shut up. Now, if I had received this sort of treatment at a bank I would right now be writing a very stiff letter of complaint to their head office, but as Burian is a sole-trader I really didn't want to make him any angrier than he already was. So I sort of shrugged and told him I didn't have a thousand pounds to give him, so he slapped me again.

Eventually it became clear that if I said anything that Burian didn't like he would slap me rather hard, so I conceded that I would pay him his thousand pounds, by the end of the day or he'd come back and beat the money out of me (technically not possible). So I scraped together all the money I had (£47.28) and collected all the things I had of value (TV, DVD player, laptop, clock radio and microwave) as well as a few of the DVD's I didn't want any more ('Cloverfield', 'Tim Lovejoy's Football Heroes') ready for when Burian came back. But when he did, and I showed him my assorted valuable items he just stared at them silently with sort of wild eyes, shaking slightly. And when I asked him for my twenty grand he went ballistic.

Apparently, he thought all of my stuff was 'shit' and proceeded to throw my furniture about. Telling me that this was what happened when people try to cheat him out of a thousand pounds.

Now, it's important that I explain at this point that if you have a marsupial that has gone into a sugar-induced coma waking it up unexpectedly in a violent manner is amongst the worst things that you can do, and if Burian hadn't got me by the throat then I would have explained that to him. But I didn't. Mainly because I didn't know Rufus had passed out atop my bookshelf in an empty cardboard box, and was NOT in the mood to be disturbed. Also, I would have closed the front door had Burian not been in such a hurry to get his money.

So, we can categorically agree that when Burian fell down the stairs with a koala on his face that I was in no way culpable, bearing in mind I was hiding under my upturned sofa (where I found another 57p) at the time. I even called the ambulance for him. Well I tried. But apparently 'koala induced concussion' isn't a recognised injury and is a 'waste of emergency services time'. Oh I'm sorry. Next time I'll just lie about what happened so that the injured party doesn't get properly treated.

But at least it gave me time to find the 'I owe U' that I wrote and tear it up (contract: closed), and also his cheque book (because technically the 'I owe U' he wrote for my twenty grand was still valid). It was then just a matter of emailing Natalia his bank account details, along with the pin number he'd written inside the front cover and making sure that she only withdrew twenty thousand pounds.

However, when I went outside to return his chequebook both Burian and Rufus had disappeared. So I threw it over the fence. No doubt somebody will find it and hand it in to the police station.

So until the dust has settled I'm staying put, lying low and awaiting the arrival of my lovely Natalia.

Saturday 7 August 2010

Cloverfield Review


"Quick! Let's do everything that 'tard Rob says."

Scope delivers, again. £3.50 and I can keep the film forever. Blockbusters don't do that do they? Today I'm reviewing 'Cloverfield', but I almost got the film 'Doom', although I've got the game and sort of know the storyline. They also have clothes and books and other tat in there. I can buy a DVD, a blanket, a candlestick holder and maybe some ladies underwear, all in the same shop.

Neonsamurai's 'Cloverfield' Review

What's the first thing you think of when I say 'Cloverfield'? It's butter isn't it? Those dancing and singing cows, which for me is a bad start. I am a simple man who enjoys simple pleasures, and one of those is knowing what sort of film I'm watching based on the title. Imagine my displeasure when I watched the debacle that is the Ang Lee celluloid accident 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'. Hmmm... What could that film be about? Well judging by the title, a tiger and a dragon. Well as a big fan of dragons I chose to watch this film, and became enraged when I found there to be ZERO dragons within it. Oh there was a sword called 'dragon'. Oh yes, that makes it all right if there's a sharpened lump of steel called dragon in it. Oh no you can't have your money back. Well Odeon cinemas, that decision cost you a customer. Eventually. After I took that deformed woman to watch 'Silence of the Lambs'.

Let's say you were in a video shop and the world was about to end and you only had enough time to watch a film before the sun exploded or something, so you didn't have a large enough window of opportunity to actually read all that stuff on the back of the DVD about who is in it, or what it's about and you could only choose it on the basis of the movie title? Well, you'd be screwed if it was an Ang Lee film because it'd probably be called something like 'Strike Force Battle Robots', and you get home and put it in your DVD and start watching only to find out half an hour in that 'Strike Force Battle Robots' was the name of a chip shop, and you were watching a drama about infidelity or something boring. Wouldn't that piss you off? It makes me REALLY angry and I'm only thinking about it. If it happened for real I'd go absolutely crazy.

That's right Lee. You'd better hope that the sun explodes or you're a DEAD MAN.

There's this guy called Rob and he's going to work in Japan so his friends throw this surprise party for him but mid-way through the party a monster attacks New York. So they cancel the party and everyone goes home. At least I presume they do. It's not actually shown in the film, probably because it's some of the worst camera handling I've ever seen. Half the time you can't really tell what's going on. Now I'm not a film maker, I'm a film reviewer, although some of the movies I used to make using a camcorder were clearer than what you see in this effort. That's taking into account that I was often disturbed half-way through making a film and had to either fight off an angered husband or escape from a police canine-response squad. Yet I could easily make out what the women were or weren't wearing upon later viewing. They were part of a study I was doing into women's bodies. It's an ongoing study that I intend to continue in the near-future.

Anyway, this monster is attacking New York, the party has been cancelled and basically it's gone from being a fun night, to a really bad one, compounded by a frankly appalling cameraman. Rob and some others decide to go looking for this woman he went on a date with, rather than getting out of the city. I won't spoil the ending but basically Rob gets everyone killed, something he feels compelled to record on video for posterity. When is he ever going to watch that again? Oh, nothing on the telly. Hmm... Think I'll watch those appalling choices I made that resulted in everyone getting killed by a giant monster.

Dullard.

Does that strike anyone else as strange? If I hadn't had my camcorder seized for evidence, I'd only film myself doing cool things. I certainly wouldn't make sure that there was a video diary of my choices leading to everyone dying. If there was, I'd record over it, rather than leaving it for somebody to find and watch.

This, I'm afraid, forces me to give 'Cloverfield' zero Oscars. I'm going to take it back to Scope and demand a refund.

Thursday 5 August 2010

Rufus AWOL


Missing Koala

Have you seen my koala? He looks
like the one above but he's got sort
of a permanent scowl, and has
slightly lighter fur. Might also still
be dressed as a butler.

If you see him can you please try
and put him in a sack, or lock him
in your garage or something because
he might be high and when he is he
can be unpredictable and violent.

DO NOT feed him any of the
following substances:

Polystyrene
Daz
Sherbet
Crack Cocaine
Normal Cocaine
Silica Gel

If you do he goes mental.

Should you manage to catch him
please contact me via my blog:
http: neonsamurai.kicks-ass.net


Yes, that little Aussie bastard has got loose again. All it takes is a momentary lapse in concentration and he's out the door like a shot. Normally that's not a problem as he just clamps onto the first face he sees and I can prize him off with a fork, but this time he has vanished. If you've seen him around Littlehampton, please try and catch him then drop me a line here.


Wednesday 4 August 2010

Predators Review

Actors in 'Predators'.

Oh look I'm reviewing a film! Somebody call the police because that must be a crime!

Just for the record I was going to post this anyway, so don't think it's because of certain people making stupid comments.


Neonsamurai's 'Predators' Review:

Just imagine for one minute that you're a professional killer, like my mate Dave. One minute you're in Curry's playing on their Xbox 360, the next minute you're falling out of the sky over the jungle. That's pretty terrifying right? Well what about if once you landed in the jungle you had to then fight alien monsters?! That's really scary.

How do I know? Well because Dave and myself saw this at the weekend and I thought it was brilliant. One Chinese bloke fights a Predator with a samurai sword! How cool is that? But Dave kept on going out to the toilet when all the scary bits came on the screen, which I thought was unusual for somebody who had to fight rogue cyborgs in Bedford when he was in Team Extreme. However, afterwards Dave said it was because of post traumatic stress disorder, due to the film's extreme realism.

Also, as Dave pointed out, if what happened in the film was real, he'd be a prime candidate to be abducted by the Predators. Dave sleeps in the nude, so he was worried he'd end up being chased around the jungle in the nuddy by Predators. However, he'd also noted several weaknesses the alien hunters have, which he'd exploit in order to defeat them, even if he was naked. He can't help doing this, as it was part of his special forces training.

Here's an article by Dave's of the Predators weaknesses that he'd use against them in an ironic twist, turning them from the hunter to the hunted:

Alrirte? Dave hear with my list of how to defeat Predaters. In the filmthey seem hard, but thats becarse they were fighting acters and not real specail forces soldiers like I was once.


  • Headaches: If they only see in all of them funny colours all the time then they must have headaches all the time. The last thing youy want when youve got a headache are bright lites and loud music. That'd make them go mental.So I'd walk around with a getto blaster and some torches, flushing them out of cover.
  • No clothes: Predators wear noffing. Which means that they might get cold if you hid in a cave, or by the sea of something. A cold soldier dont fite like a warm soldier, becarse they keep having to drink hot tea from a thermos, or wear mittens and you can't use a gun if you wear mittens.
  • Lazer Sites: Lazer sites dont work on mirrors. If you were being chased by a predater then if you hide in a shop full of mirrors, like Jon Lewis or something, it would confuze it and it wouldnt be able to use its gun. I was trained to aim without a lazer site. Thats when I'd take it down.
  • Size: Predaters are well big so they dont expect some smaller guy attacking them. If I saw a predater hassling some girls I'd walk up to it an clock it one right in its face. Thatd confuse it. then I'd punch his stomach until he doubled over and nee him in his chin. Pow! Over and out. Game over predater, and I won.
Hopefully if any of you do end up fighting predators on an alien planet then Dave's advice should come in handy. Especially the bit about mirrors, which makes a lot of sense. But, as the characters in the film weren't former member of the now disbanded Team Extreme, they were clearly out of their depth with the predators and as you can imagine it was a bloodbath.

But the film was super-awesome primarily because there were loads of predators, not just one, and to make things even better, there were new, bigger ones. One issue with the film is hunt saboteurs. They turn up all over the place, stopping fox hunting, badger baiting, hare coursing and fishing, but once when they're actually needed there's no sign. No wonder you guys have such a bad reputation if the only kind of hunting you endorse is ones with a human quarry. Not that predators would have listened, but that's hardly the point. They were conspicuous by their absence. I only bring this up as it was the focal point in my 'Predator' review which IMDB didn't recognise as valid.

However, this didn't spoil the film for me and I give it two Oscars, making it a brilliant film.

Tuesday 27 July 2010

The course of true love can be wonky

Well it's been nearly a month now since the first part of 'From Russia With Love and Guns' was posted here, and yet I've had virtually zero interest from Hollywood, even though there's loads of awesome action and some romance as well. It's also miles better than most of the rubbish that Hollywood makes these days.

I'll probably post some more of the script, but to be honest I've lost interest in doing it at the moment, mainly because of all the 'relationship issues' I've been having lately. Don't get me wrong, I know that love can be a rocky voyage, and with Natalia and myself it's no different, but the woman seems obsessed with money. Yes, she works down a mine and is also a pole dancer and keeps almost having to almost marry rich old men, but now she just goes on and on about that twenty grand, and practically ignored my script (which is part autobiographical). Anyway, I think she suggested a trial separation. Well here's the MSN feed:

NeonStudXXL - Hello sexy baby how are you?

Natalia1181 - What you want?

NeonStudXXL - To share my love with you my lovely lady.

Natalia1181 - Oh god. It is you.

NeonStudXXL - Yes, and I'm feeling very sexy.

Natalia1181 - Whatever. You have money?

NeonStudXXL - Look, I've been through this. I can't get the money until somebody buys my script. Besides my script is dedicated to you, for being such a sexy lady.

Natalia1181 - AARRGH! You are doing in my head! You waste my time! I need money! You don't even have bank account!

NeonStudXXL - As I explained I'm technically under police protection. Hence my lack of funds.

Natalia1181 - I think you are wasting my time. You are taking piss.

NeonStudXXL - Erm? Would I go to the hassle of writing almost 4 FULL pages of script if I wasn't serious? I very much think NOT.

Natalia1181 - You are wrong in head. Leave me alone until you send me money.

NeonStudXXL - Pfft! You think I can stop loving you like that? Oh no, love isn't something you can switch on and off like a light. Love is like a fire it burns in your heart and doesn't ever go out.

NeonStudXXL - No, love isn't like a fire. It's more like a light, but with a dimmer switch that can't be switched off. But the brightness changes.

Natalia1181 - Please stop! I am not caring! You have wasted my time.

NeonStudXXL - And there are no power cuts.

NeonStudXXL - I can't stop loving you Natalia.

Natalia1181 - I am not Natalia I am Pavel. I am a man!

NeonStudXXL - ? :¬/

NeonStudXXL - Ahhh. No, this isn't Cassablanca my darling. I know that you love me and don't want to hurt me. But you're not Burt Lancaster and I'm not that woman who was in it. Our love will prevail.

Natalia1181 - Please. Please stop messaging me. I am man. I was try to extort money.

NeonStudXXL - No my darling. You shall get your money.

------Natalia1181 has disconnected----------

In light of these recent developments I've taken Grigore from the Chick 'n Fish up on his offer of help. Apparently he knows some guys who can lend me money even if I've got bad credit history. Then I'll be able to get that cash over to Natalia and we can be together at last.

Friday 16 July 2010

From Russia with Love and Guns - Part 3




From Russia With Love and Guns


By Neonsamurai

New Scene: The Samurai is in a bed and breakfast in the Kremlin, and unpacking his suitcase. He hears a knock at the door, and pulls out a machine gun and moves forward.

The Samurai: "Who is it?"

Person behind door: "Room service. And death!"

The Samurai dives for cover, just as the door EXPLODES and five Russian Ninjas run in. The Samurai climbs to his feet and gets into a kung-fu stance.

The Samurai: "Five? That's my lucky number."

A fight ensues which at first looks like the ninjas will win, but using his unorthodox ways, The Samurai learns each of their weaknesses (one has a bad knee, one is colourblind, one has vertigo, another had a poor upbringing and the last one is scared of giant squid) and exploits them. As the last ninja falls, a group of men appear at the smoldering doorway holding machine guns. At their head is General Yeltsin.

General Yeltsin: "Well, well, well. If it isn't Britain's best secret agent: The Samurai?"

The Samurai: "And if it isn't Russia's most stupid idiot: General Yeltsin?"

General Yeltsin: "How dare you!? Guards take him away! I'll teach him not to mess with the Soviet Union or call me names!"

The Samurai: "It's what I do."

New scene: Back in England Boss Man is at work in his office doing lots of paperwork, when a flustered clerk barges in. He's out of breath and nervous.

Boss Man: "Dammit! Don't you know how to knock?"

Clerk: "Sorry sir, it's just that..."

Boss Man: "Well son? Spit it out."

Clerk: "According to satellite surveillance, The Samurai has already broken 50% of the rules you gave him prior to this mission!"

The camera zooms in on the Boss Man's angry face as he bares his teeth and clenches his fists.

Boss Man: "SAMURAIIIII!!!!!"

---------------------------------------------

These are two very important scenes within the film because a) We see The Samurai breaking rules b) He gets captured by the baddies c) Boss Man gets very angry due to the rule-breaking.

Wednesday 7 July 2010

Networking.


I think that there must be something wrong with the internet, because I have had neither PayPal contributions nor any offers for my film script (WHAT YOU WERE OFFERING TO DO WITH IT WAS OBSCENE JAVIER).

However I am being pragmatic about this and am moving forward, plus doing some 'networking' as they call it in the biz. The 'biz' is what people who work in the movie industry call it, and networking is when you meet people and talk about your script and which actor is attached. At the moment I'm keeping it fairly low-key as I think FRWLAG is kind of an art house film.

I've handed out some of my scripts to some local people who are quite influential; Dave, Dr Chen, Dr Hinds, Grigore from Chick 'n Fish, Charlie and Abigail (OH WHAT'S THAT JAVIER? NO SCRIPT FOR YOU? WELL I GUESS YOU'RE NOT INFLUENTIAL THEN ARE YOU?). Well I say I Abigail, I tried to give a copy to Abigail, but can you guess what happened? Yes, she went mental again. If a woman can't interact with a normal member of society, without going nutzoid then maybe (just maybe) she needs to be locked up. I don't mean that to be harsh but clearly that's going to be best for everyone.

Imagine somebody wanted to give you something that is free but might be worth millions (e.g. Christs birth certificate or my script). Would you hide from them and sit with the orderlies, refusing to even look at them, or say "wow thanks Neonsamurai, great script" and maybe tell your friends? Logically you'd do the later, but not Abigail. In fact, she became so illusive I had to employ tactics used by some famous script writers. I don't mean anything as naff as posting it to them, but things like putting it in a pizza box and having it delivered to the directors office, or paying a woman with big breasts to wear a T shirt printed with page 1 of your script arrive on set and make advances at the producer.

Now obviously I don't have loads of money, so I just jumped out of the supplies cupboard and threw it at her shouting "Read it! READ IT!!". One free script (and a free folder she could keep, which I'd found lying around) for her to read. You'd think she'd be grateful. Oh no. Oh no Abigail is not grateful AT ALL.

In fact so ungrateful is Abigail that the orderlies not only subdue me but they have to sedate her as well. Which turns out to be an absolute farce. Normally I have the highest respect for the clinic and the persons employed there, even Dr Hinds, who now just stares at me in silence for forty minutes during our sessions, occasionally having that nervous tick she's developed, before telling me to come back until next week, under any circumstances. But it turns out that they've mislaid the folder containing Abigail's notes and end up giving her the wrong sort of tranquilizer.

Tranquilizer's tranquilizer right? WRONG. Abigail goes 'Hulk' on the orderlies and runs out of the clinic, dragging one of them behind her, who's valiantly trying to restrain the woman's drug fueled rampage. So I try and help by shouting "Take her down! Lethal force! LETHAL FORCE!" when two orderlies charge out of the staff room, probably trying to ambush her. Bad move. She clotheslines' one of them and backhands the other shouting "I am a Ghostbuster! I AIN'T 'FRAID OF NO GHOST!"

To her credit Abigail made it as far as Budgens before she passed out.

However, all of this did give me the opportunity to visit Dr Chen and give him my script. He wasn't particularly interested though, but it is my first draft. Maybe when I've got a few big names attached to it he'll come around to the idea. I'll also add some Chinamen as well. He's bound to like that.

Friday 2 July 2010

From Russia with Love and Guns - Part 2

Well I can understand that personal friend Tom Cruise is probably too busy to return my tweet about the script for 'From Russia With Love and Guns', since he's promoting his movie Knight and Day and Kidman's about as reliable as a French farmer but I thought Jackman might bother to reply. He's perfect for the role. Although no surprise that Hawking didn't respond! HA! Hawking! Where's your film script?

Still I've done some more work on the script and decided to share it here, since a lot of my story is about character development and you need more than a few paragraphs to do that.

-------------------------------

From Russia with Love and Guns

By NeonSamurai

New Scene: The Samurai is on an Easy Jet flight to Russia and relaxing after eating his meal. He is gazing out of the window looking very deep and also a bit vulnerable, because women like that sort of thing. He is also eating a little packet of crisps. A man sits down next to him. He is another secret agent, codename: The Warrior.

The Warrior: "What's a guy gotta do to get a drink around here?"

The Samurai: "They're not included in the cost of the flight. Wait... Who are you?"

The Warrior: "I'm your new partner, codename: The Warrior."

The Samurai: "No. After what happened to my last partner, I work alone."

Flashback to a scene five years previously: The Samurai and his partner, The Destroyer have been captured by the Russian army and have been tied up. An evil looking Russian called General Yeltsin stands before them.

General Yeltsin: "Well, well, well. We have caught Britain's best secret agent and another one who is almost as good, although not a maverick and has a family."

The Samurai: "Do what you like to me Yeltsin, but my partner is innocent. It's my unorthodox methods that got us caught, so I should be held accountable."

The Destroyer: "Don't worry Sam, this guy doesn't frighten me. I knew the risks when I became a secret agent, even though I have a young family."

General Yeltsin: "Ha! Ha! Ha! You handsome fools! You can't be secret agents if I put an advert in the paper with your pictures telling everyone that you're secret agents! I've also put an advert in the newsagent's window as well."

The Samurai: "Curse you Yeltsin! I'll never trust another Russian, or by proxy an Australian!"

The Destroyer: "Nooooo! I really need this job! I've got a young family!"

Scene fades back to The Warrior and
The Samurai on the plane, as he finishes his story.

The Samurai: "...and Destroyer had to give up working as a secret agent as he was too well known, and got a job as a plumber. Luckily for me, Yeltsin used the wrong photograph and spelled my name with an 'e' so I could carry on. I certainly hope I don't meet him during this mission, and have to duff him up or something."

The Warrior: "Well as your new partner I can assure you that won't be happening. I do everything by the book."


--------------------------------------

Yes, it's a very emotional part of the script, but just because FRWLAG is an action/romance movie, it doesn't mean that it can't also have some very moving scenes. Also I am exploring an original concept of mine concerning somebody who plays by the rules, and somebody who makes his own rules teaming up. Will their varying styles clash? Will they begrudgingly learn to respect each other? Well I'll tell you now that Warrior dies when he slips and falls down the plane steps, so it's just something for the audience to theorize over after the film.

Don't forget, if you are a movie director, or know Spielberg or something, then please let them know about my blog and get them to read the script. I only want about twenty grand for it.

Wednesday 30 June 2010

Movie Script: From Russia with Love & Guns


"Neonsamurai reviews films because he's so untalented that he can't write his own."


Is that what you think? Well for your information I have written loads of scripts and one was actually turned into a film starring Sean Connery. How many scripts have you had turned into a film? I'm going to make a quick guess now: ZERO.

I also wrote a script called 'Jihad Act' which was a Whoopee Goldberg vehicle, but all copies of that were seized by the FBI.

Well guess what? I wrote a new film script last night, just like that, because that's the kind of guy I am. I felt inspiration and just went for it and it's a really good story too. It's about a secret agent who falls in love with a Russian model and has to fight everyone in order to marry her. Sure, I can say that I've written a script, but guess what, I ACTUALLY HAVE:


FROM RUSSIAN WITH LOVE AND GUNS
By Neonsamurai

Opening scene: A secret agent, codenamed 'The Samurai' is having something to eat at KFC, when some kids start hassling him.

Kids: "Hey you loser! You're such a loser, you square."

The Samurai: "That's right, I am a square. A square in a round hole!"

Before the kids have a chance to act The Samurai pulls out a machine gun and shoots them all. People dive for cover as the bullets stitch through them ruining the KFC's decor.

Kids: "AAAIIIEEEE!"

Colonel Sanders: "Well done Samurai. Those kids have been bothering the staff and customers for the last few minutes. Your unorthodox methods have saved the day."

The Samurai: "It's what I do."

----------------------

New Scene: The Samurai is back at his office and is getting told off by his boss for being unorthodox. It's in a secret base a mile underground.

Boss Man: "Dammit Samurai! You're the best, but you're also too unorthodox and a maverick who plays by his own rules. Being so reckless is bad!"

The Samurai: "Oh yeah? Tell that to Colonel Sanders!"

Boss Man: "Dammit Samurai! I've got a very important mission for you in Russia. You need to go there and not fight anybody until you can rescue a double agent called Natalia. But under no circumstances are you to fall in love with her."

The Samurai: "I'm sure I won't. You know how much I hate the Russians after what they did to my partner. I also strongly dislike Australians, and nothing in the world can change my opinions."

Boss Man: "I don't want this clouding your judgment. You're too close. As of now you're off the case."

The Samurai: "Then I quit. I'm going to bring those bastards down if it's the last thing I do, even if I have to do it on my own!"

Boss Man: "Alright Samurai. I'm giving you 48 hours to get to Russia, not fight any baddies and not fall in love with Natalia. Don't let me down or my boss (the Queen) will have me executed. Can you guarantee a successful mission?"

The Samurai: "It's what I do."

-----Opening Titles-----

Obviously this is just the part of the film before the opening credits, but I've written several pages more, and let me tell you they're very good. Plus the film has loads of product placement and has the catchphrase "It's what I do."

Now what I'm intending to do is tweet this script to some of my twitter associates (including international mega-star and friend TOM CRUISE) and bring in a bit of interest for the screenplay and then start a bidding war. Ideally I'm looking for about twenty grand, but if I can get anymore it's a bonus.

Note: Just because I'm now a scriptwriter doesn't mean you can't also donate money for reading my blog.

Tuesday 29 June 2010

Oh look! I'm not reviewing a film!

Oh I suppose I have to review films EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF THE DAY do I? I guess I'd better stop eating and sleeping then because that's impossible.

Quick question: What's Jonathon Ross up to right now (08:51 Tuesday morning) eh? Do you think he's reviewing a film? Do you? Cinema's don't open until at least 10am so clearly he's not you retard. He's probably in his limo, on his way to work. UNLESS he's got a cinema in his car. But just think about that; a cinema in a car? Where would the projectionist sit? In the boot? He'd suffocate and probably and die if it was a hot day. Do you honestly think Jonathon Ross would lock somebody in the boot of his car and potentially kill him, just so he could have a cinema in his limo? Maybe if it was Michael Barrymore, but since when is he a film reviewer?

And what about when Jonathon Ross was presenting his TV show? Was he reviewing films then? I mean 'Friday Night with Jonathon Ross' and not 'Film 2010', obviously. Not as far as I could see.

If my film reviews are so 'poor' then why do I have a blog with FOUR GENUINE FOLLOWERS and as far as I can tell by searching the web you have NONE? Oh and let's have a quick look here shall we? Looks like a successful comic, speller and Miss New York Traditional Foods Jennifer Dziura knows a film review when she sees one. So good in fact that she decided to put it on her blog. Not that you could copy her, what with NOT HAVING A BLOG OF YOUR OWN? They don't just let anyone write blogs you know.

Do you know what? I was going to review a film today, but I'm not, because nobody tells me what to do.

You've messed with the wrong film reviewer (that's right, I'm a film reviewer) this time.

Monday 28 June 2010

Oh god. She's writing again.

So far I have received ZERO contributions to my PayPal account. Oh you think that's bad do you? Well look at this:


Oh a movie review and competition. Big deal? Well guess who they got to 'review' this film:

EMILY STEPHENSON

Doesn't anybody read my blog, because I'm pretty sure that I made it perfectly clear here that she's rubbish at reviewing films? Oh but what do I know, seeing as I've more or less dedicated that last 12 years of my life to being a professional film critic. At last count I'd reviewed over 80 films, which now I think about it doesn't sound like that many, but I don't just make up stuff off the top of my head. Well, not for every film anyway.

And how much did she get paid for writing that film review? Three or four thousand pounds probably. What's a child going to spend four grand on? A lifetime supply of Smarties? That's the reason kids aren't paid a fortune in pocket money, because if they did they'd probably destroy the economy but spending the money on nonsense. I'd use the money to buy my fiancé a plane ticket. How's that for sensible?

Since I apparently can't be trusted to write film reviews for the Littlehampton Echo, I'm going to have to rely on YOU my loyal and generous readership (but not the women, who can't be bothered to have free food and sex with me) to send money to my PayPal account so that I can give Natalia twenty thousand pounds.

Please be generous.

Thursday 24 June 2010

Neonsamurai.kicks-ass.net: Now privately funded


This is what I need.


Turns out that the 'Comedy Night' was a complete waste of time, mainly because the room was filled with psychopaths. To be perfectly honest, I'm lucky I'm not dead. So I've decided to ditch the stand up comedy routine and explore another avenue to make money: PayPal.

But before I explain my new plan, let me take a moment to tell you a few things:

Love. Love is a beautiful feeling that you can only get when a beautiful woman says she'll have sex with you, once you've paid for her to fly over to the UK. It's the sort of emotion that not everyone can understand because most people marry god-awful ugly people, or just end up with loads of cats. Dullards. How is a cat as good as a sexy partner? Can you have sex with it? Erm... No, unless you're wrong in the head or something. If I had the choice between marrying a beautiful Russian woman or marrying a cat I'd choose the former. And can't you catch rabies off of a cat?

Another emotion that is also very beautiful is reading film reviews. Film reviews save you the time of actually watching the film, so if it's rubbish you can avoid it. It's a very important thing which saves people time and money. But only if it's done by a professional, and not some hackneyed, duck-owning toddler who seems to think that using the films' title to describe the film is clever. What if you'd just watched a really good film that only had a negative word in the title? What then Emily? Come on Emily, let's see you review 'Dirty Rotten Scoundrels'. Face it, you've as much chance of becoming a film reviewer as a blind person. And don't get me started on Hawking. Has he EVER reviewed a film? Has he? I've never seen one. But I'll bet if HE sent EMPIRE MAGAZINE his CV he'd get a sodding job in a flash, rather than being accused of racism.

So my blog brings you both love and also film reviews (and there was a competition for free sex), which are things that you can't put a price on. However if I was to pull a number out of the air I'd say it's about five grand. Which is how much money I think you should pay me for reading my blog.

Now that's not a monthly fee, it's a one off. So you pay me five thousand pounds and that entitles you to read my blog forever. I've not actually worked out a structure to it yet, so I'll have to rely on you (my loyal readership) to just cough up the cash. Simply click on the 'PayPal' logo in the right hand column here and pledge your five thousand pounds (obviously more if you can afford it).

Hopefully I'll have the money for Natalia's plane ticket for by next week.

Tuesday 15 June 2010

Taking the (open) Mic

Natalia and I had our first row today, (not including the ones we've had about UK special forces). Basically her dad is trying to make her marry some hideous old man and she would really rather marry me, although for the first part of our conversation she kept calling me 'Martin', but English isn't her first language, so mistakes are inevitable. She got really tetchy and claimed that if I loved her I'd send her that twenty grand NOW. So I outlined my plan to become a comedian, and she asked me if I was joking (see, I'm a natural).

Speaking of which look what I saw:

What a stroke of luck! It's a comedy night with an open mike (which technically should be 'mic', so I'll work that into my routine) so that other people can have a go at some stand up. And it's at a pub I'm not barred from! But it's this Saturday, so I'm going to have to come up with a hilarious routine pretty damn quick! I know this means that I technically won't be making any money at first, but for now I'm just getting my comedy 'out there' and let me tell you I've got some pretty crazy ideas for my routine. Check out my joke schedule for the session:
  1. Use Catchphrase "Ahoy my lovelies!"
  2. Question: "Anyone here from Littlehampton?"
  3. Joke: "How come they call it Littlehampton when it's quite big?!"
  4. Wait for applause to stop
  5. Improvisational Comedy
I thought I'd finish with 20 minutes or so of improvisational comedy, using whatever comes to mind at the time. I've watched 'Who's Line is it Anyway?', 'Have I got News for You?' and 'Mock the Week' so I'm a big fan of comedians making up jokes as they go along. If I get stuck I'll just get the audience to call out suggestions.

I've even totally maxed-out the hilarity by giving myself a comedy stage-name; Ivor Biggun! How crazy is that? It makes it sound as if I've got a massive willie! Clearly I've given it more thought than John Robson, who's probably using his real name. The dick.

Neonsamurai: The New Direction


Guess what? Hermione is on 'extended leave' at the moment, pending a possible criminal conviction. Who'd have thought she was the criminal type? Yes, she's grade A nut job, but a criminal? That's not really her style. I might pop around her house and see if there's anything I can do to help.

So instead of my usual battle of minds with Hermione, I get to speak to Charlie. I like Charlie. He's retired once before, and apparently got bored and got a job at the job centre. Although he says it's because he hates his wife. To be honest, Charlie hates a lot of things, particularly children because 'they ruin your life and always side with that bitch'. He also hates 'bloody spongers' but not as much as he hates talking to them, so normally when he speaks to me he just says the bits that I'm supposed to say for me just to speed things up.
Charlie (normal voice): "Have you been applying for work?"

Charlie (high voice): "Yes I have. I've applied for loads of jobs, although I'm too lazy to actually provide proof. Please can I have some free money?"
Hahaha! Charlie cracks me up. It's like he's doing a stand up routine. I told him he should be a comedian, and he said I should get a bloody job, which is cool, because that's what I intend to do. However, having said this the only jobs that are available are shelf stacking, farm work and verge cleaning. When I asked him about any high paying jobs Charlie said "No. Nothing. Except this very highly paid job to be a millionaire playboy living in Monaco and having the life of bloody Riley." But it turned out that job didn't actually exist, and Charlie was being funny again (I'll bet it's never dull at the Job Centre when you work with him, much like Whoopee Goldberg).

But, like what often happens in a cop film when something unrelated happens, causing the cop to click his fingers and say something like "wait a minute... Pineapples are acidic..." I said "wait a minute... Stand up comedians earn a fortune...." To which Charlie said "Next!"

So I'm intending to become a stand up comedian like Frankie Boyle, or Russell Brand who earn an absolute fortune. As I often say, if you can review a film then you can do anything.

Monday 7 June 2010

Love Hurts


Sorry for the lack of updates recently but apparently you can't use mobile phones in hospital. Why's that? Well it allegedly messes up hospital equipment. Who the hell designs equipment that can be 'messed up' by a mobile phone? I would have thought you'd have to go out of your way to make something that bad.
Scientist: "Well here's my new blood-pressure monitor. It works really well and is 100% accurate. But there's one little thing that might... No. That's not important."

Doctor: "This certainly looks like just the sort of thing we need in this hospital. But before I hand over this cheque for forty thousand pounds, what were you going to say?"

Scientist: "Only that if you use a mobile phone within 500 yards of it it kills the patient. With poison."

Doctor: "Good lord! How could it do that?"

Scientist: "If it detects mobile phone usage is shoots 40cc's of crayfish venom into the patients arm which paralyzes their heart. BOOM! They're dead before they even know it."

Doctor: "Why on earth did you design it to do that?"

Scientist: "I dunno. I got a bit bored."

Doctor: "Oh well. We'll buy it anyway. Here's your cheque."

That's insane isn't it? But why am I in hospital anyway? Could it be that I'm having an operation or something? No. I'm in hospital because apparently I'm a sexist. Ooh. Let's all call NeonSamurai a sexist because he wasn't invited to our meeting, to which men weren't invited because we're sexist.

Now I know that Hermione has got some well-paying jobs she keeps back for emergencies at the job centre, so I decided to try and get on her good side by turning up at this conference thing she'd organised and offering my support. Yes, I know that to a person with a normal brain that that's a really nice thing to do, and at the very least somebody who did something so selfless should at least be allowed some tea and biscuits (like all the other guests were allowed). But, no that's not the case, and then things get violent.

So the Saturday before last I hop on the bus all the way to sodding Chichester, which is a town that is of so little consequence that it should be bombed by the RAF. Only they wouldn't go there because it's of no consequence. I then head over to the community centre to take part in the 'Oppressed Women of the South of England and the Isle of Wight' meeting. Yeah, I know I'm not a woman, but as regular readers will be aware I am a very open-minded person and have a lot of respect for women.

But this mental tart at the front door won't let me in because I'm an oppressor. Me? An oppressor? I've never oppressed anyone in my life. Even the time I made my own dungeon room and brought all that rohypnol I didn't oppress anyone. Except that Avon lady who called for my mum, but that was only for a morning. Then Rufus ate all the rohypnol and then went on a very slow motion rampage through the house. That's when the Avon lady got loose. Christ. Those Avon women are nutjobs. If I ever have one call at my door again I'll make sure she doesn't get her hands on a frying pan. I had bruising for a month.

So I say to this woman on the door "if you hate oppressors (men) so much why do you look like one?" Which was a particularly clever thing for me to say as she did look just like a man, complete with a dodgy haircut, which was sort of half mullet, half flat-top. But instead of saying "touche" and letting me in this gaggle of crazy women gathers at the door and starts telling me to get lost or they'll call the police. Then Hermione shows up and goes ballistic.

Cut a long story short: I'm not allowed into this meeting. Well, they didn't reckon on me being in love, and as happens in rom coms people in love do crazy things, especially if they need a well paying job to fly their Russian lover into the country. So I decided to simply climb in through the window and surprise them all with an impassioned speech about love and how at the end of the day, we're all the same. Especially that woman who looks like a man. Good plan, except the toilet window I climbed through had a woman on the other side (the one time I didn't want there to be). And to make matters worse she was French, and had ZERO sense of humour. And she also had some (illegal) mace spray. If a man falls on you whilst you're on the toilet, is that really a good enough reason to use a whole can of mace in his eyes? In France, it is.

So this crazy woman is yelling "Viol! Viol!" and I can't see a thing, but luckily I manage to get out of the toilet PDQ and head for what I think is the main hall. I'm guessing it was during this disorientating time that my trousers somehow came off, which is the sort of thing that could happen to anyone. Then I realise I've reached the hall when I hear the screams. And they're not screams of joy. So it's time to start my impassioned speech and I start shouting "I'M GONNA SHOW YOU MY LOVE!", just before the first chair hit me. Luckily it was just one of those plastic stackable chairs, which didn't really hurt. But the fire extinguisher did and that's what the doctors think caused my concussion.

Next thing I know I'm in an ambulance with a police escort. Luckily Dr Chen was at the hospital when I arrived and straightened everything out.

I'm not sure what's going to happen when i go to the Job Centre tomorrow.

Friday 21 May 2010

CV

If any of you are looking to employ someone on a big salary (say £100K+, although I am willing to negotiate if the benefits are good), then please have a look at my CV. Alternatively please print out a few copies and distribute them around your local businesses. I forgot to mention that I'm an 'ideas man' so if you're looking for some good ideas for your company, then I'm your man.


I also got a phone call from Hermione's 'life partner' Baakir last night. To be honest I thought he was going to kick off as well but he started off in a really polite manner. He said he was very sorry about Hermione, but she's been under a lot of stress as she's been organising a meeting for the 'Oppressed Women of the South of England and the Isle of White' and my comments the other day just set her off. He also said she's not normally a violent person and is really kind and caring, so he hopes that I won't feel the need to press charges as they can't afford her to be off work at the moment as he stays at home to raise their children.

As most of you are aware I'm not a petty man, so I of course said that it was water under the bridge (I got more injured the first time I tried proposing). Also as a peace offering I said I'd love to come along and give support at the meeting Hermione's been arranging. Baakir sort of mumbled that he didn't think that would be a good idea, and I could hear Hermione in the background yelling at him, so I guess that she does want me to go.

Either way I'll surprise her. Me turning up out of the blue is bound to make her look at me in an entirely different light and hopefully get me a great job.

Tuesday 18 May 2010

Financial Problems

Why is it that Nelson Mandela sets off bombs left, right and centre all over South Africa then a few years later ends up being preseident, but I fake my own death ONCE and try to claim benefits and I can't get a loan? And there were a few other things as well, mostly involving the police.

When I asked my bank manager this exact same question (obviously omitting the police stuff) he just looked blankly at me and pretended to be confused. What's that Richard Morely (of Lloyds TSB. 17 The High Street, Littlehampton)? Can't argue with the
truth? I guess if The Special A.K.A. had written a song about my unfair treatment at the hands of Thames Valley Police (chiefly their canine unit) then I might now have twenty thousand pounds that I could use to buy my beautiful fiance Natalia Tarasov a plane ticket to the UK (plane tickets are much more expensive in Russia). It seems that yet again society attempts to step in and prevent me from being with the woman I love.

Well not this time. I'm not about to roll over and let true love get away, so I'm going to sacrifice my own happiness to be with Natalia. I'm going to get a job.

You'd think that the Job Centre would actually be happy about this, after all it's their job to give people jobs. It's like a grocer would be happy if vegetarians came in his shop and wanted to buy vegetables, because that's what he sells. The vegetarians get to make their god-awful food and the grocer gets money to buy a car of something. Everyone's happy. But is Hermione pleased to hear that I'm looking for a job? Is she hell. All she wanted to talk about is how unqualified I am for practically everything, why she won't call Sir Alan Sugar for me, lowering my expectations and finally how I shouldn't be allowed near women, which was nothing to do with applying for jobs, just her personal opinion. Now let's break this down and analyse it:

  1. Not qualified. Well correct me if I'm wrong, but David Cameron has never been a prime minister before, but they gave him a job doing it. Had Neil Armstrong been to the moon before? Erm... No! So I guess they weren't qualified were they? If we only gave jobs to people who weren't qualified then we'd be in a right old state wouldn't we?
  2. Won't call Sir Alan Sugar. The man employs any old moron. I watched his show twice and none of the contestants seemed particularly good. Besides, I need money fast and he pays £100K a year, which'll mean I'll have the money to buy Natalia's ticket in less than 3 months (which she won't like. She hates being apart from me).
  3. Lowering my expectations. Every film I've seen has told me the exact OPPOSITE of this. You need to shoot for the sky. Did the kids from 'Fame' want an ordinary, run of the mill job, or did they want to be superstars? If you haven't seen it, they wanted the later, so why should I accept a job beneath me?
  4. Not allowed near women. Hermione's mental.
My job requirements are pretty simple: I need a well-paid job, requiring only a few hours work a week (preferably from home) and probably in some kind of managerial capacity, where I can help motivate my staff (preferably by phone). Now if Hermione was good at her job, she'd find me something like that, but apparently Hermione is even worse at her job as she is at spotting 'perverts' because all she could offer me was stacking shelves, farm work or cleaning the verges on the A27, none of which reach my minimum requirements.

Unless films have lied to me (I'M LOOKING AT YOU 'MRS DOUBTFIRE') when you're out of options and desperate for help an impassioned speech will often change the mind of the seemingly cold-hearted official. So I told Hermione of Natalia, of our chance encounter, shared interests, mutual love for one another, her obsession with shitting on the SAS and the cruel twist of fate that we are separated by a simple lack of money.

Now I thought Hermione might get a bit teary-eyed, then reach inside her draw and give me a job description for a games tester paying a couple of hundred grand a year. But instead she said with slow deliberation "You're trying to buy a woman?" and then lunged at me. Luckily the guards got to her in time, before she could do any real damage.

But when you're in Love this is what you have to expect.

Friday 14 May 2010

Love: What's it like?

A couple in love.

FACT: I'm dating the world's most beautiful woman.


FACT: You're not.


Now not everyone finds love in their lifetimes. Some people marry ugly people, some marry old people for money and some just don't get married because they just keep screaming and screaming and screaming until some security guards barge in and demand to know why you've got a camera in the women's changing rooms. Since when has owning a camera been a crime? And if they don't tell you which changing rooms are for men and which ones are for women then clearly Dorothy Perkins are to blame for any misunderstandings that happen in their shops. Why don't you take YOURSELVES to the police station and save the rest of us the bother?

Seeing as most of you will never know true love like I do I've decided to share a typical, romantic conversation, like the sort I have with Natalia all the time on MSN. I'm sure she won't mind and I need something to take my mind off the bloody nonsense I have to go through just trying to get a loan. Banks eh?

NeonStudXXL - Hello my lovely baby how are you?

Natalia1181 - Who this?

NeonStudXXL - It's NeonSamurai. Your fiance.

Natalia1181 - From England?

NeonStudXXL - Yes my darling it's me.

Natalia1181 - Good. You have money?

NeonStudXXL - I will have it soon sexy baby. How are you tonight? What are you wearing?

Natalia1181 - Sexy clothes. When you have money?

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>Snip< I won't post all of our conversation, it will upset those of you not in love

----------------------------------------------------

Natalia1181 - What is SAS?

NeonStudXXL - They're like Russian Spetsnaz only better.

Natalia1181 - SPETSNAZ SHIT ALL OVER SAS. I COME TO ENGLAND I FIND YOU I SHOW YOU JUST WHAT SPETSNAZ CAN DO!

NeonStudXXL - ?

Natalia1181 - I love you.

NeonStudXXL - Love you too honey baby.

Natalia1181 - I must go now. I have to dig rocks in coal mine.

NeonStudXXL - Okay honey baby, I'll soon have the money and bring you to England.

Natalia1181 - You'd better.

NeonStudXXL - BYEEEEE!!!!!


So that's what love is like. I have to go now as I've got a meeting with the bank manager about my loan. Fingers crossed!