Tuesday 27 July 2010

The course of true love can be wonky

Well it's been nearly a month now since the first part of 'From Russia With Love and Guns' was posted here, and yet I've had virtually zero interest from Hollywood, even though there's loads of awesome action and some romance as well. It's also miles better than most of the rubbish that Hollywood makes these days.

I'll probably post some more of the script, but to be honest I've lost interest in doing it at the moment, mainly because of all the 'relationship issues' I've been having lately. Don't get me wrong, I know that love can be a rocky voyage, and with Natalia and myself it's no different, but the woman seems obsessed with money. Yes, she works down a mine and is also a pole dancer and keeps almost having to almost marry rich old men, but now she just goes on and on about that twenty grand, and practically ignored my script (which is part autobiographical). Anyway, I think she suggested a trial separation. Well here's the MSN feed:

NeonStudXXL - Hello sexy baby how are you?

Natalia1181 - What you want?

NeonStudXXL - To share my love with you my lovely lady.

Natalia1181 - Oh god. It is you.

NeonStudXXL - Yes, and I'm feeling very sexy.

Natalia1181 - Whatever. You have money?

NeonStudXXL - Look, I've been through this. I can't get the money until somebody buys my script. Besides my script is dedicated to you, for being such a sexy lady.

Natalia1181 - AARRGH! You are doing in my head! You waste my time! I need money! You don't even have bank account!

NeonStudXXL - As I explained I'm technically under police protection. Hence my lack of funds.

Natalia1181 - I think you are wasting my time. You are taking piss.

NeonStudXXL - Erm? Would I go to the hassle of writing almost 4 FULL pages of script if I wasn't serious? I very much think NOT.

Natalia1181 - You are wrong in head. Leave me alone until you send me money.

NeonStudXXL - Pfft! You think I can stop loving you like that? Oh no, love isn't something you can switch on and off like a light. Love is like a fire it burns in your heart and doesn't ever go out.

NeonStudXXL - No, love isn't like a fire. It's more like a light, but with a dimmer switch that can't be switched off. But the brightness changes.

Natalia1181 - Please stop! I am not caring! You have wasted my time.

NeonStudXXL - And there are no power cuts.

NeonStudXXL - I can't stop loving you Natalia.

Natalia1181 - I am not Natalia I am Pavel. I am a man!

NeonStudXXL - ? :¬/

NeonStudXXL - Ahhh. No, this isn't Cassablanca my darling. I know that you love me and don't want to hurt me. But you're not Burt Lancaster and I'm not that woman who was in it. Our love will prevail.

Natalia1181 - Please. Please stop messaging me. I am man. I was try to extort money.

NeonStudXXL - No my darling. You shall get your money.

------Natalia1181 has disconnected----------

In light of these recent developments I've taken Grigore from the Chick 'n Fish up on his offer of help. Apparently he knows some guys who can lend me money even if I've got bad credit history. Then I'll be able to get that cash over to Natalia and we can be together at last.

Friday 16 July 2010

From Russia with Love and Guns - Part 3




From Russia With Love and Guns


By Neonsamurai

New Scene: The Samurai is in a bed and breakfast in the Kremlin, and unpacking his suitcase. He hears a knock at the door, and pulls out a machine gun and moves forward.

The Samurai: "Who is it?"

Person behind door: "Room service. And death!"

The Samurai dives for cover, just as the door EXPLODES and five Russian Ninjas run in. The Samurai climbs to his feet and gets into a kung-fu stance.

The Samurai: "Five? That's my lucky number."

A fight ensues which at first looks like the ninjas will win, but using his unorthodox ways, The Samurai learns each of their weaknesses (one has a bad knee, one is colourblind, one has vertigo, another had a poor upbringing and the last one is scared of giant squid) and exploits them. As the last ninja falls, a group of men appear at the smoldering doorway holding machine guns. At their head is General Yeltsin.

General Yeltsin: "Well, well, well. If it isn't Britain's best secret agent: The Samurai?"

The Samurai: "And if it isn't Russia's most stupid idiot: General Yeltsin?"

General Yeltsin: "How dare you!? Guards take him away! I'll teach him not to mess with the Soviet Union or call me names!"

The Samurai: "It's what I do."

New scene: Back in England Boss Man is at work in his office doing lots of paperwork, when a flustered clerk barges in. He's out of breath and nervous.

Boss Man: "Dammit! Don't you know how to knock?"

Clerk: "Sorry sir, it's just that..."

Boss Man: "Well son? Spit it out."

Clerk: "According to satellite surveillance, The Samurai has already broken 50% of the rules you gave him prior to this mission!"

The camera zooms in on the Boss Man's angry face as he bares his teeth and clenches his fists.

Boss Man: "SAMURAIIIII!!!!!"

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These are two very important scenes within the film because a) We see The Samurai breaking rules b) He gets captured by the baddies c) Boss Man gets very angry due to the rule-breaking.

Wednesday 7 July 2010

Networking.


I think that there must be something wrong with the internet, because I have had neither PayPal contributions nor any offers for my film script (WHAT YOU WERE OFFERING TO DO WITH IT WAS OBSCENE JAVIER).

However I am being pragmatic about this and am moving forward, plus doing some 'networking' as they call it in the biz. The 'biz' is what people who work in the movie industry call it, and networking is when you meet people and talk about your script and which actor is attached. At the moment I'm keeping it fairly low-key as I think FRWLAG is kind of an art house film.

I've handed out some of my scripts to some local people who are quite influential; Dave, Dr Chen, Dr Hinds, Grigore from Chick 'n Fish, Charlie and Abigail (OH WHAT'S THAT JAVIER? NO SCRIPT FOR YOU? WELL I GUESS YOU'RE NOT INFLUENTIAL THEN ARE YOU?). Well I say I Abigail, I tried to give a copy to Abigail, but can you guess what happened? Yes, she went mental again. If a woman can't interact with a normal member of society, without going nutzoid then maybe (just maybe) she needs to be locked up. I don't mean that to be harsh but clearly that's going to be best for everyone.

Imagine somebody wanted to give you something that is free but might be worth millions (e.g. Christs birth certificate or my script). Would you hide from them and sit with the orderlies, refusing to even look at them, or say "wow thanks Neonsamurai, great script" and maybe tell your friends? Logically you'd do the later, but not Abigail. In fact, she became so illusive I had to employ tactics used by some famous script writers. I don't mean anything as naff as posting it to them, but things like putting it in a pizza box and having it delivered to the directors office, or paying a woman with big breasts to wear a T shirt printed with page 1 of your script arrive on set and make advances at the producer.

Now obviously I don't have loads of money, so I just jumped out of the supplies cupboard and threw it at her shouting "Read it! READ IT!!". One free script (and a free folder she could keep, which I'd found lying around) for her to read. You'd think she'd be grateful. Oh no. Oh no Abigail is not grateful AT ALL.

In fact so ungrateful is Abigail that the orderlies not only subdue me but they have to sedate her as well. Which turns out to be an absolute farce. Normally I have the highest respect for the clinic and the persons employed there, even Dr Hinds, who now just stares at me in silence for forty minutes during our sessions, occasionally having that nervous tick she's developed, before telling me to come back until next week, under any circumstances. But it turns out that they've mislaid the folder containing Abigail's notes and end up giving her the wrong sort of tranquilizer.

Tranquilizer's tranquilizer right? WRONG. Abigail goes 'Hulk' on the orderlies and runs out of the clinic, dragging one of them behind her, who's valiantly trying to restrain the woman's drug fueled rampage. So I try and help by shouting "Take her down! Lethal force! LETHAL FORCE!" when two orderlies charge out of the staff room, probably trying to ambush her. Bad move. She clotheslines' one of them and backhands the other shouting "I am a Ghostbuster! I AIN'T 'FRAID OF NO GHOST!"

To her credit Abigail made it as far as Budgens before she passed out.

However, all of this did give me the opportunity to visit Dr Chen and give him my script. He wasn't particularly interested though, but it is my first draft. Maybe when I've got a few big names attached to it he'll come around to the idea. I'll also add some Chinamen as well. He's bound to like that.

Friday 2 July 2010

From Russia with Love and Guns - Part 2

Well I can understand that personal friend Tom Cruise is probably too busy to return my tweet about the script for 'From Russia With Love and Guns', since he's promoting his movie Knight and Day and Kidman's about as reliable as a French farmer but I thought Jackman might bother to reply. He's perfect for the role. Although no surprise that Hawking didn't respond! HA! Hawking! Where's your film script?

Still I've done some more work on the script and decided to share it here, since a lot of my story is about character development and you need more than a few paragraphs to do that.

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From Russia with Love and Guns

By NeonSamurai

New Scene: The Samurai is on an Easy Jet flight to Russia and relaxing after eating his meal. He is gazing out of the window looking very deep and also a bit vulnerable, because women like that sort of thing. He is also eating a little packet of crisps. A man sits down next to him. He is another secret agent, codename: The Warrior.

The Warrior: "What's a guy gotta do to get a drink around here?"

The Samurai: "They're not included in the cost of the flight. Wait... Who are you?"

The Warrior: "I'm your new partner, codename: The Warrior."

The Samurai: "No. After what happened to my last partner, I work alone."

Flashback to a scene five years previously: The Samurai and his partner, The Destroyer have been captured by the Russian army and have been tied up. An evil looking Russian called General Yeltsin stands before them.

General Yeltsin: "Well, well, well. We have caught Britain's best secret agent and another one who is almost as good, although not a maverick and has a family."

The Samurai: "Do what you like to me Yeltsin, but my partner is innocent. It's my unorthodox methods that got us caught, so I should be held accountable."

The Destroyer: "Don't worry Sam, this guy doesn't frighten me. I knew the risks when I became a secret agent, even though I have a young family."

General Yeltsin: "Ha! Ha! Ha! You handsome fools! You can't be secret agents if I put an advert in the paper with your pictures telling everyone that you're secret agents! I've also put an advert in the newsagent's window as well."

The Samurai: "Curse you Yeltsin! I'll never trust another Russian, or by proxy an Australian!"

The Destroyer: "Nooooo! I really need this job! I've got a young family!"

Scene fades back to The Warrior and
The Samurai on the plane, as he finishes his story.

The Samurai: "...and Destroyer had to give up working as a secret agent as he was too well known, and got a job as a plumber. Luckily for me, Yeltsin used the wrong photograph and spelled my name with an 'e' so I could carry on. I certainly hope I don't meet him during this mission, and have to duff him up or something."

The Warrior: "Well as your new partner I can assure you that won't be happening. I do everything by the book."


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Yes, it's a very emotional part of the script, but just because FRWLAG is an action/romance movie, it doesn't mean that it can't also have some very moving scenes. Also I am exploring an original concept of mine concerning somebody who plays by the rules, and somebody who makes his own rules teaming up. Will their varying styles clash? Will they begrudgingly learn to respect each other? Well I'll tell you now that Warrior dies when he slips and falls down the plane steps, so it's just something for the audience to theorize over after the film.

Don't forget, if you are a movie director, or know Spielberg or something, then please let them know about my blog and get them to read the script. I only want about twenty grand for it.