Tuesday 26 October 2010

Empire of My Arse


Will this waste of paper be any good? Read on to find out.

Thankfully I had a break from the monoteny involved in 'lying low' as Dave calls it when I went up to see him in Aylesbury this weekend. He's been away at his nan's house in Bristol for a week with his mum and dad, but that was a cover story as he was actually lying low as well, but from the Yakuza.

Apparently he went to Bristol Zoo and a kid somehow got into the gorilla enclosure. Everyone was freaking out and the zoo keepers (all girls) were too scared to go inside the enclosure because the male gorilla is very territorial and was going to kill the kid. So Dave jumped over the fence and stared down the gorilla, until it backed off and then got the kid out safely. This is because with gorillas you need to show them who is boss, and then they don't mess with you. Dave also got off with the zoo keepers who were really impressed by his bravery.

Now most reviewers of things would consider kidnapping a reason NOT to carry on providing reviews of things. I'm pretty sure Terry Waite sat around doing nothing for four years whilst in captivity, then wrote a book about it when he came out. But honestly, what would he have to write about? "Monday: Nothing happened. Tuesday: Nothing happened. Wednesday... etc." Imagine if Terry Waite had written a 'choose you own adventure' book based on his experiences. No matter what page you turned to, sod all would happen, well except for the last page which would read 'went home'. I, however, used the time of my captivity to read magazines with the intention of reviewing them later. Admittedly there were only two magazines to read; Empire Magazine and Heat.

As most regular readers will know, I'm an open-minded guy, so I thought I'd cast any previous misgivings about Empire Magazine employing poorly experienced disabled people scientists as reviewers rather than somebody whom to date has written nearly ONE HUNDRED reviews of things, aside. And done it for free (Paypal has thus far provided me with ZERO finances, even though I'm providing up to the minute reviews of all sorts of things. Can YOU find another review of 'Weapons of the Gulf War'? I doubt it because I'm pretty sure I'm the only one. And just because I haven't been paid doesn't make me an amateur film reviewer. I'm a professional. I used to work in a video shop for crying out loud. Did Claudia Winkleman ever work in a video shop? Erm... NO).

Neonsamurai's 'Empire Magazine' Review.

Just looking art the cover I knew that the magazine was going to be rubbish. It tries to stay current, advertising the latest films and previews, with big name interviews and behind-the-scenes specials, but let's be honest the shower of hacks they've got doing the reviews are living in the past. For a start they could all do with reading 'Neonsamurai's Guide to being a Reviewer', an excellent starting point for any 'would be' film reviewer.

Virtually every film that they review takes an almost polar opposite view of how good or bad a film is, when compared to those of neonsamurai.kicks-ass.net, and doesn't even mention Tim Lovejoys Football Heroes. Sure, I didn't like it either, but I acknowledge it (OH, BUT YOU CAN'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE A JOB APPLICATION CAN YOU EMPIRE?). It's almost as if the people responsible are of a completely different mindset to myself, or dullards as I like to call it. They even had preview of the latest Ang Lee film; 'The life of Pi', which goes something like this:
Based on the novel by Yann Martel, is an adventure story centering on Pi Patel, the precocious son of a zookeeper. Citizens of Pondicherry, India, the family decides to move to Canada, hitching a ride on a huge freighter. After a shipwreck, Pi is found adrift in the Pacific Ocean on a 26-foot lifeboat with a zebra, a hyena, an orangutan and a 450-pound Bengal tiger named Richard Parker, all fighting for survival.
You read that right. A 450-pound Bengal tiger named Richard Parker. I went to school with a kid call Richard Parker and he got stuck under one of the prefabricated huts because somebody told him there was a gold statue under it. Well I told him there was, but what was he doing listening to a 12 year old in the first place? Idiot. Turns out it was part of a Kit Kat wrapper that had somehow blown into the entrance to a badger warren that was under there. Besides, the fire brigade got there fairly quickly, and girls love a scar.

Anyway, Ang Lee's film sounds rubbish already. Quick question: What do you get if you put a child, a zebra, a hyena, a monkey and a tiger in a confined space? Answer: Bloody carnage. Oh but I bet Ang won't be showing that will he? Oh no. In fact judging by his previous films we won't even see 'Richard Parker' in the finished movie. To be honest, 'Richard Parker' sounds like some kind of euphemism for somebody having some kind of embarrassing medical complain.
Bystander 1: "Oooh. That bloke's just had a 'Richard Parker'."

Bystander 2: "Oh no. What all the way?"

Bystander 1: "Yeah. Right up."

Bystander 2: "Jesus."
That's how crap you films are Lee, if people start turning your characters into metaphors for bottom problems.

I'm too angry to carry on. This review is over.

Monday 4 October 2010

Neon Does 'Top Gear'


No, that's not street parlance for taking drugs, I'm referring to popular car review programme 'Top Gear'. In case you haven't seen it, Top Gear is a brilliant show where these guys just have a laugh driving cars, or doing zany or wacky things involving cars. Once, they drove through the Southern States of the USA with cars with logos on them saying "gay love rules OK"! How crazy is that?! But this isn't a review of a car review show (BUT SO WHAT IF IT IS JAVIER? IT'S MY BLOG AND I'LL REVIEW WHAT THE HELL I LIKE. MAYBE WHEN YOU'VE WRITTEN A SUCCESSFUL BLOG I'LL LISTEN. BUT YOU HAVEN'T SO SHUT UP), but merely a comparison as I'm also quite a zany guy.

For example, when I go to the local recycling centre the guys who work there shout "Look out! It's Stig of the dump!" To which I make car noises as if I'm driving really fast, and move my hands as if steering a car. It's this kind of in-joke that we have, since 'The Stig' is actually a mysterious driver who races cars on Top Gear. I can't actually drive a car though, insomuch as I had my license suspended after I drove past a nightclub and Rufus leapt out and attacked a bouncer. In my opinion this is no reason to revoke a person's driving license because a rabid koala attacked someone.

Well, I sort of threw him at the bouncer. But whilst being a bit unusual it's hardly a criminal act. Still, you do zany things when you're drunk.

Anyway, my review is just the sort of thing they'd do on Top Gear, because I did mine in the boot of a Ford Mondeo (old shape, not the new one), which is a pretty crazy thing to do. Actually if they do try reviewing cars from inside the boot on Top Gear then they've stolen my idea. And it's not the first time I've been locked in the boot of a car (or had my ideas stolen Tom Schulman
); Thames Valley Police used to do it whenever they found me at the scene of an 'incident'. It was a new policy apparently that only applied to me. That was just before the chief constable had his nervous breakdown.

Now as cars go I think that the Mondeo is an underrated vehicle. It has a sizeable boot, and comes in a variety of colours. Dave's dad used to drive one and said that it might not look like an Aston Martin, it handles well and was perfect for towing their caravan. Theirs was an estate car though, so the storage area at the rear of their car was different.

The Mondeo's boot is lined with a strange sort of fur, which is neither soft nor fluffy. I kind of imagine it's what Sean Connery's back must feel like, although I'm sure that doesn't smell of petrol like the Mondeo's boot does. Also, there were some old plastic bags, that people normally put fertiliser in. Obviously these aren't a standard feature in a Mondeo, and ultimately you're entitled to put whatever you like in the boot of your car.

So in summary I'd have to say that the old shape Ford Mondeo is a good car, with a NeonSamurai Kick-ass rating of 12.

Reviews Ahoy!



Well after a failed kidnap attempt I'm back and I've got loads of things to review!

"What sort of things have you got to review Neon?" You may ask, well literally loads of things including some toilets! WHERE'S YOUR TOILET REVIEWS EMPIRE MAGAZINE? In fact I've had the chance to review lots of magazines during my time away, and I even read Empire Magazine. To be honest, it's rubbish. If I'd subscribed to Empire Magazine I'd demand my money back and use the refund to pay the owner of a free blog for providing some ground-breaking reviews. Incidentally any money pledged to me via PayPal will no longer be used to fly Natalia over to the UK.

Here's my list of things I'll be reviewing over the coming weeks:

Ford Mondeo - Particularly it's boot space.

Heat Magazine - The UK's 'premier' gossip magazine.

Empire Magazine - The UK's 'premier' film review magazine.

Loose Women
- Not what you think it's about. Just old women talking about boring stuff.

Pot Noodle - Can you survive on two Pot Noodles a day? Well I did.

Handcuffs - Not sure of the brand, but they worked. Why not buy yourself a pair from the site I've decided to sponsor called SpyCatcher of Knightsbridge? I'm pretty sure any woman you handcuffed to a radiator for a few weeks would be at your mercy, and they only cost a few quid.*

Liverpool Street Station Toilets
- Normally toilets are free to use, so how do 'expensive' toilets perform?

My New Acer Laptop - NeonSamurai moves into the future with his latest laptop.

So as you can see there's lots of reasons to check out neonsamurai.kicks-ass.net over the next few weeks, particularly if you're thinking about carrying out a kidnapping, or wondering which magazine (not) to subscribe to.



*NeonSamurai's Movie Reviews does not endorse the senseless capturing and imprisonment of women. However if it's for scientific or research purposes then I'm sure that's fine. I was sent on a course by Thames Valley Police outlining how women aren't simply objects and should never be imprisoned, except by officers of the law for crimes and stuff. But I'm pretty sure those were just guidelines. Besides, when that Avon lady got loose they didn't imprison her for violently assaulting me with a frying pan, so the law has a fairly flexible interpretation of right an wrong.