Friday 21 May 2010

CV

If any of you are looking to employ someone on a big salary (say £100K+, although I am willing to negotiate if the benefits are good), then please have a look at my CV. Alternatively please print out a few copies and distribute them around your local businesses. I forgot to mention that I'm an 'ideas man' so if you're looking for some good ideas for your company, then I'm your man.


I also got a phone call from Hermione's 'life partner' Baakir last night. To be honest I thought he was going to kick off as well but he started off in a really polite manner. He said he was very sorry about Hermione, but she's been under a lot of stress as she's been organising a meeting for the 'Oppressed Women of the South of England and the Isle of White' and my comments the other day just set her off. He also said she's not normally a violent person and is really kind and caring, so he hopes that I won't feel the need to press charges as they can't afford her to be off work at the moment as he stays at home to raise their children.

As most of you are aware I'm not a petty man, so I of course said that it was water under the bridge (I got more injured the first time I tried proposing). Also as a peace offering I said I'd love to come along and give support at the meeting Hermione's been arranging. Baakir sort of mumbled that he didn't think that would be a good idea, and I could hear Hermione in the background yelling at him, so I guess that she does want me to go.

Either way I'll surprise her. Me turning up out of the blue is bound to make her look at me in an entirely different light and hopefully get me a great job.

Tuesday 18 May 2010

Financial Problems

Why is it that Nelson Mandela sets off bombs left, right and centre all over South Africa then a few years later ends up being preseident, but I fake my own death ONCE and try to claim benefits and I can't get a loan? And there were a few other things as well, mostly involving the police.

When I asked my bank manager this exact same question (obviously omitting the police stuff) he just looked blankly at me and pretended to be confused. What's that Richard Morely (of Lloyds TSB. 17 The High Street, Littlehampton)? Can't argue with the
truth? I guess if The Special A.K.A. had written a song about my unfair treatment at the hands of Thames Valley Police (chiefly their canine unit) then I might now have twenty thousand pounds that I could use to buy my beautiful fiance Natalia Tarasov a plane ticket to the UK (plane tickets are much more expensive in Russia). It seems that yet again society attempts to step in and prevent me from being with the woman I love.

Well not this time. I'm not about to roll over and let true love get away, so I'm going to sacrifice my own happiness to be with Natalia. I'm going to get a job.

You'd think that the Job Centre would actually be happy about this, after all it's their job to give people jobs. It's like a grocer would be happy if vegetarians came in his shop and wanted to buy vegetables, because that's what he sells. The vegetarians get to make their god-awful food and the grocer gets money to buy a car of something. Everyone's happy. But is Hermione pleased to hear that I'm looking for a job? Is she hell. All she wanted to talk about is how unqualified I am for practically everything, why she won't call Sir Alan Sugar for me, lowering my expectations and finally how I shouldn't be allowed near women, which was nothing to do with applying for jobs, just her personal opinion. Now let's break this down and analyse it:

  1. Not qualified. Well correct me if I'm wrong, but David Cameron has never been a prime minister before, but they gave him a job doing it. Had Neil Armstrong been to the moon before? Erm... No! So I guess they weren't qualified were they? If we only gave jobs to people who weren't qualified then we'd be in a right old state wouldn't we?
  2. Won't call Sir Alan Sugar. The man employs any old moron. I watched his show twice and none of the contestants seemed particularly good. Besides, I need money fast and he pays £100K a year, which'll mean I'll have the money to buy Natalia's ticket in less than 3 months (which she won't like. She hates being apart from me).
  3. Lowering my expectations. Every film I've seen has told me the exact OPPOSITE of this. You need to shoot for the sky. Did the kids from 'Fame' want an ordinary, run of the mill job, or did they want to be superstars? If you haven't seen it, they wanted the later, so why should I accept a job beneath me?
  4. Not allowed near women. Hermione's mental.
My job requirements are pretty simple: I need a well-paid job, requiring only a few hours work a week (preferably from home) and probably in some kind of managerial capacity, where I can help motivate my staff (preferably by phone). Now if Hermione was good at her job, she'd find me something like that, but apparently Hermione is even worse at her job as she is at spotting 'perverts' because all she could offer me was stacking shelves, farm work or cleaning the verges on the A27, none of which reach my minimum requirements.

Unless films have lied to me (I'M LOOKING AT YOU 'MRS DOUBTFIRE') when you're out of options and desperate for help an impassioned speech will often change the mind of the seemingly cold-hearted official. So I told Hermione of Natalia, of our chance encounter, shared interests, mutual love for one another, her obsession with shitting on the SAS and the cruel twist of fate that we are separated by a simple lack of money.

Now I thought Hermione might get a bit teary-eyed, then reach inside her draw and give me a job description for a games tester paying a couple of hundred grand a year. But instead she said with slow deliberation "You're trying to buy a woman?" and then lunged at me. Luckily the guards got to her in time, before she could do any real damage.

But when you're in Love this is what you have to expect.

Friday 14 May 2010

Love: What's it like?

A couple in love.

FACT: I'm dating the world's most beautiful woman.


FACT: You're not.


Now not everyone finds love in their lifetimes. Some people marry ugly people, some marry old people for money and some just don't get married because they just keep screaming and screaming and screaming until some security guards barge in and demand to know why you've got a camera in the women's changing rooms. Since when has owning a camera been a crime? And if they don't tell you which changing rooms are for men and which ones are for women then clearly Dorothy Perkins are to blame for any misunderstandings that happen in their shops. Why don't you take YOURSELVES to the police station and save the rest of us the bother?

Seeing as most of you will never know true love like I do I've decided to share a typical, romantic conversation, like the sort I have with Natalia all the time on MSN. I'm sure she won't mind and I need something to take my mind off the bloody nonsense I have to go through just trying to get a loan. Banks eh?

NeonStudXXL - Hello my lovely baby how are you?

Natalia1181 - Who this?

NeonStudXXL - It's NeonSamurai. Your fiance.

Natalia1181 - From England?

NeonStudXXL - Yes my darling it's me.

Natalia1181 - Good. You have money?

NeonStudXXL - I will have it soon sexy baby. How are you tonight? What are you wearing?

Natalia1181 - Sexy clothes. When you have money?

----------------------------------------------------

>Snip< I won't post all of our conversation, it will upset those of you not in love

----------------------------------------------------

Natalia1181 - What is SAS?

NeonStudXXL - They're like Russian Spetsnaz only better.

Natalia1181 - SPETSNAZ SHIT ALL OVER SAS. I COME TO ENGLAND I FIND YOU I SHOW YOU JUST WHAT SPETSNAZ CAN DO!

NeonStudXXL - ?

Natalia1181 - I love you.

NeonStudXXL - Love you too honey baby.

Natalia1181 - I must go now. I have to dig rocks in coal mine.

NeonStudXXL - Okay honey baby, I'll soon have the money and bring you to England.

Natalia1181 - You'd better.

NeonStudXXL - BYEEEEE!!!!!


So that's what love is like. I have to go now as I've got a meeting with the bank manager about my loan. Fingers crossed!

Thursday 13 May 2010

Kick Ass? More like 'Nothing to do with my website' Ass.

Nope. That's not me.

Natalia hasn't been online for a few days now so I decided to post my review of 'Kick Ass', which I watched with Dave back in April. I warn you now it's not what I'd expected and I feel very let down by the movie. I also want to reiterate to any women out there that the competition to win a date with NeonSamurai is now over and you lost. If you wind up alone, surrounded by dozens of cats wondering why you're single don't come crying to me, because I'll be too busy having sex with a real woman who looks like a blonde Angelina Jolie. Although she has said she'll have a threesome with another woman if I want, so maybe contact me and I'll see what I can arrange. Obviously subject to what you look like.


Neonsamurai's 'Kick Ass' Review:


Did anybody else notice that within months of me getting a web address called neonsamurai.kicks-ass.net a superhero movie gets rushed into our cinemas? Is it a co-incidence? Well being the open-minded guy that I am I thought I that somebody had finally read my blog and IMDB reviews and though "this guy sounds awesome. Let's make a movie about him."

And why shouldn't they? They make movies about that smug bastard John Nash, who sits in his huge mansion chuckling about how clever he is and how he knows the secret to having sex with women. Ooh good for you Nash. Ooh we're all so happy you won a nobel prize and get to sleep with Jennifer Connelly, whenever and however you sodding want to. I've NEVER had sex with Jennifer Connelly or a woman who looks like Jennifer Connelly. I once nearly had sex with a woman who looked a bit like Sloth from 'Goonies', but a police canine unit showed up and I had to run for it.

So I go to watch 'Kick Ass' without any preconceived ideas about how they're going to portray me. Well firstly they'd changed my name, and made me American, but I've seen 'High Fidelity' and I know that they've probably done this to appeal to the American market, so I let it slide. 'I' wear glasses (good, well done) and although they've increase my number of friends by approximately 100% one of them sort of looks like Dave, but slimmer, and without his AC/DC T shirts or his beard. He drinks coffee (LIKE I USED TO UNTIL COSTA 'MUST BE FULLY DRESSED' COFFEE DECIDED TO BAN ME), researches womens bodies online and hasn't got a girlfriend.

But the rest of it is all nonsense. I've never fought crime as a superhero, there are no film reviews, no koalas, RSPCA interventions, mentions of my blog, emergency marsupial-related forced-landings, hunt sabotage, witness relocation programs, milk float kamikaze runs and that dick Javier trying to borrow money off me (I'M UNEMPLOYED JAVIER YOU SPAZ! JUST LIKE YOU ARE!)

I mean have they even read any of my stuff? It's almost like the producers, directors and writers were completely oblivious to any of my work. Now let's be honest, if you're going to try and make an autobiographical film then reading up on your subject is the absolute minimum research you should be doing. But, no, they practically make the whole thing up.

That's fine if you're making a film like 'The Patriot', but if it's meant to be based on a contemporary character (i.e. me) then you must do research. Have I ever fought crime dressed in a green costume (which is actually the whole point of the movie)? Erm... No! Although I have considered it.

So in summary don't go and watch the Neonsamurai autobiographical movie 'Kick Ass' because it's not about me.

Tuesday 11 May 2010

Competition OVER


Is your girlfriend this beautiful? No. But mine is. Ha!

That's right 'ladies' the
competition to win a date with me is over. It has ended and you've all lost. You had your chance to enter and you all blew it through either ineptitude, laziness or because you can't speak English. Those are your problems, not mine. And guess what? Your failings cost you a free meal, sex and possibly bus fare home (depending on location).


But I honestly could not care less, because I'm in love.

You see, love transcends all nationalities, languages and psychiatric problems, which is why I will be marrying the beautiful Natalia Tarasov, probably next month when I've got my loan confirmed. And yes, I know that those pictures on her website are actually of Angelina Jolie, but as she doesn't own a digital camera she had to find pictures on the internet, and Jolie looks the most like her (although apparently her hair is blonde and she's got bigger boobs).

Like all couples who fall in love we've got quite a funny story about how we met. I was on the internet doing some research and stumbled upon her website. What are to odds of that? There are literally billions of websites and I found hers. I've probably got more chance of being hit by a bus, than something like that happening. I read her description and pretty much fell in love right there, without even speaking to her! How amazing is that? So I emailed her and apparently I'm just the kind of man she likes, even after I sent her my photograph! So now we're in love.
She likes everything I like, as well as animals, dancing, singing and living in England, which I'm okay with. When you're in love to have to compromise, although I don't like dancing. I tried body-popping in Hale Leys once as a form of busking, when an ambulance turned up to deal with a 'seizure'. There were also some cops as well, but that was an unrelated issue concerning stolen underwear.

But Natalia is the main reason I've not updated my blog in so long, because I'll often spend hours talking with her on MSN and have got better things to be doing than posting reviews that this guy then rips off. I might start doing reviews again when we're married, but only because Natalia says that she enjoys reading them. In fact, she says that she might be able to get me a job working for the premier Russian film review magazine, because she knows someone there. The magazine is called Russian Film Magazine.

Unfortunately Natalia can't change her website to say she's engaged to me, since she lost her password, but she says she's 100% in love with me and will be flying over as soon as she has the money.