Friday 29 January 2010

Competition


Did you see that? A film review competition! This'll be like taking candy from a baby!

Inside the Littlehampton Echo it reads:

To celebrate the release of 'Fantastic Mr. Fox' on DVD this March, Blackbuster is giving away 10 iPods as runner up prizes with one lucky winner getting an all expenses paid trip to Disneyland Paris for with their parents. All you need to do is write a film review of 'Fantastic Mr. Fox' of no more than 200 words beginning with 'I really enjoyed Fantastic Mr. Fox because...' The best 10 will be published in the Littlehampton Echo along with the overall winner.”

Talk about easy. I've reviewed literally dozens of films, some being very intellectual, so writing a review of a kids film will be a piece of cake. Not that I've actually seen the film, but that's never stopped me in the past. Besides, I can use the internet to look up what the film's about and just expand on that. Here's what I just found on IMDB:

Mr. Fox and his wife Felicity Fox sneak into a hen house to steal chickens. They're caught in a cage on the way out because Mr. Fox sees a trap and can't resist the temptation to spring it. As they hear someone coming, Mrs. Fox reveals that she's pregnant and makes Mr. Fox promise that if they get away, he'll give up raiding farms.”

Okay so Mr. Fox is the kind of person too lazy to work for a living and steals from hard working farmers to pay for (amongst other things) a wedding to Mrs. Fox, who thinks bringing a child into a criminal family is a good idea. Christ. I've not even seen this film and I already hate these two. And I'll bet a selfish woman like that wanted a big wedding, so they must have stolen loads of chickens to finance it. I wonder how many farmers went bankrupt thanks to Mr & Mrs Fox eh? I wonder if they go into that in the film? At one point I'll bet one of the farmers went to the police and Mr. Fox went around with a baseball bat and kneecapped him, just to keep him quiet.

Also what kind of a name is 'Mr. Fox'? Correct me if I'm wrong, but there's more than a couple of foxes in the world, there's bloody loads of them. Do they all have the surname 'Fox'? There are billions of humans in the world but we don't all have the surname 'Human', that'd be retarded. And if a fox gives up 'raiding farms' what's he going to do instead? Become a writer?

Cut to a few years later: the Foxes evidently escaped and now live underground with their slightly odd son, Ash. Mr. Fox is working a safe job as a journalist.”

What? He's a sodding fox. How'd he get a job writing for a magazine when I can't? This film sounds awful. I'm going to write such a scathing review that the Littlehampton Echo won't know what hit 'em. I'm not about to promote a film about a reformed criminal thug and his loose-knickered moll lying low as they plot to ruin the lives of some hard-working farmers.

I've always wanted to go Euro Disney, but I won't be taking my parents with me though. Don't want them cramping my style.

Thursday 28 January 2010

Still too Hot for IMDB

What's that IMDB? You can't take the heat? Well get out of my kitchen! Unbelievably I had this review removed from IMDB, probably after the film industry pressured them. To be honest I had a feeling my victimisation went all the way to the top. But it's back here on my new blog wher I'm not afraid to hit you with the real facts about movies.

NeonSamurai's 'Silence of the Lambs' Review:

As I type this I am seething, that's right SEETHING with anger over this debacle of a movie. Who are these movie execs who decide that names of films and market them accordingly? Well I wish I knew because right now I feel a severe BUTT KICKING coming on!

‘Silence of the Lambs.' SILENCE OF THE FREAKING LAMBS?!?!?! There where no lambs in it and the film had sound! I told this girl I met on the Internet that I was cultured and liked loads of films, particularly the classics. She told me she liked the old black and white silent films. Looking in the paper I found that my local cinema was doing a special showing of a film called ‘Silence of the Lambs' so I naturally thought this'd be right up her street and arranged a date with her, saying that I knew a cinema showing some old classics. We agreed to meet there and I even had a bath.

Well she turns up at the cinema and starts screaming. So do some other women as well. APPARENTLY ‘Silence of the Lambs' is a horror film and really scary. It must have been REALLY scary because the film hadn't even started; yet she was screaming and acting all hysterical. In fact we where still in the foyer! So there I was trying to calm her down when the manager of the cinema started shouting something like `Oh god! He's back again!' and suddenly the Police canine response unit shows up, and I had to lock myself in a toilet cubicle.

Needless to say my evening was ruined (although the girl from the Internet was ugly and had one eye bigger than the other, so maybe I had a lucky escape) and I had to jump out of the toilet window to avoid arrest.

So why the hell would someone make a film so scary that before women have even seen it they start screaming, yet give it a name involving lambs? What's next? ‘Fluffy Bunny Josie', a film that turns out to be about a flesh eating virus, or ‘Cuddly Bear and the Munchkins' that's about something so hideous I can't even imagine it? I could have had sex with a real person if this film hadn't been so badly marketed!

And whilst were on the subject of marketing how come the poster for it said things like `…True horror…': Empire Magazine, `…Chilling…' Time Out and `A master of terror': New York Times. Why don't they put things I say about the films on the posters? `The Director of this film is stalking me': Neonsamurai, `Where's my love and respect?': Neonsamurai and `Derek Palmers is a spazmo!': Neonsamurai.

I'll tell you why they wouldn't do that, because they can't handle my no-nonsense film review skills. I don't go on about juxtapositions or metaphors, I just cut to the chase with phrases like `Ang Lee is a retard' or `Rosie O'Donnell has a deformed head'. And guess what? I didn't even go to university. Well, I did go to university for a while until I was reported to campus security for scaring some of the female students. What's so scary about a naked man? I see myself naked in the mirror most mornings, but I don't call the police. I guess that's because I'm not ‘educated' like those girls in Cambridge, or a cinema manager.

I'm sure that movie studios would like me to sum up this film in a word so that they can put on the poster in order to fool people into thinking it was a good film, but I'm not going to. I don't want Sony or Tri Star or whoever made this god-awful excuse for a piece of classic cinema (it's not even in black and white!) an option to mislead the public any further. Instead I'm going to give you a list of some of the most outrageous, trumped up charges that Thames Valley Police have brought against me in recent weeks. Let's see them put these on a movie poster!!

- Failure to wear trousers in the presence of the mayor

- Throwing a marsupial at a nightclub security guard

- Attempting to fake own death for benefit fraud

- Ram raiding the Aylesbury RSPCA offices in a milk float

Wednesday 27 January 2010

Banner

Check out my new banner! Neonsamurai Kicks Ass! That's right! I do!

I got it for virtually nothing as well. I met this guy at the job centre called Stevie, who wanted to sell me this laptop he'd found. I didn't have any money, but I did have my USB drive where I store all my research into women. I said I'd share my findings with him if he made me a banner for my blog And here it is!

Isn't it awesome? I'm practically guaranteed a book deal with a kick-ass banner like that one!

Too Hot for IMDB

Sometimes something comes along that's so new, so cutting edge and great that people fear it. It happened with the steam train, with the car and with the atomic bomb, but these days we recognise how cool those things are. But this can also happen with film reviews.

Years ago I wrote some film reviews so good that they just blew peoples minds over at IMDB, and so they got removed from the website. One was about transsexuals which I can't find, but others I'll share with you here. The first of these reviews that I'm sure future film reviewers will look back on in reverence was for the fourth Jaws movie...


Neonsamurai's 'Jaws: The Revenge' review:

Like the God Father: Part III, Jaws 4 is a culmination of all the other films, ending with a confrontation between a giant roaring shark and a woman who has been pushed too far.

Firstly, how many giant sharks are there in the ocean? Not many, and my guess is that they're all from the same family. So in the first Jaws film that was the daddy shark, in Jaws 2 it was the mummy shark and in Jaws 3D it was the eldest brother. Imagine being a sweet, innocent shark watching your entire family being blown up or electrocuted. Much in the same way that Mel Gibson flipped in the historically accurate movie 'The Patriot', this peace-loving shark was pushed too far and went out for revenge. Hence the name of the film 'Jaws: the Revenge'.

If I was a shark and I wanted revenge I'd start off by killing the guy responsible for blowing up dad and frying mum with a poorly insulated electric cable. But I wouldn't want the others to know that I was coming for them, so I'd scare him so much that he had a heart attack and died. Pretty cunning eh? That would just be the beginning of my sub aquatic killing spree as I'd then kill one of his sons. I'd choose the one stupid enough to have survived 3 gigantic shark attacks and then got a job as a policeman on a boat. If I survived being attacked by 3 massive sheep I wouldn't get a job on a sheep farm. I'd take it as a sign from god that huge sheep don't like me and avoid them. But not this mentally challenged buffoon. Actually I'm glad he died. HA! Get out of the gene pool you moron!

Anyway the widow Brody, works out that these seemingly unrelated deaths are being caused by a giant man eating shark who wants revenge, and tries to convince her other bearded son to give up his job as a marine biologist. What is it with this family? Take the hint; the oceans don't like you.

`Duuuuh. I nearly got eat eat by giant bitey fish. Me wanna work where giant bitey fish can eat me. Duuuuh. I messed my pants.'

If you owned a marine biological company, would you employ this guy? Everywhere he goes a 13 metre long killing machine turns up and eats people. He's a freaking leviathan magnet! But dumb dumb thinks that he's safe living on a boat in the Bahamas, rather than working as an attorney in Denver. Oh you poor feeble-minded fool, of course the shark's gonna find you! Young missy Jaws uses special shark tracking skills to find the bearded wonder and begins planning her coupe de grace on the Brody boys. But unfortunately Mrs Brody and Michael Caine turn up and all manner of things happen.

However the big finale left me tearful. Ellen Brody charges down the giant shark in a boat and rams it, just as the shark roars and leaps out of the water. Many people here have mocked this ending as being poor and unbelievable, but they are wrong and have missed the point. You see young missy Jaws had the chance to kill Mario Van Peebles, but let him go, realising that violence isn't the answer. She was clever enough to track down all of the male Brody's and kill them, so she'd probably read about the life of Gandhi and realised that his form of non-violent protest would get better results than by sub aquatic execution. As the boat raced towards her she leapt out of the water and cried `No! No more Mrs Brody! I will spare you and your last remaining bearded spazmo of a son if we can all learn to live together as friends!' But of course she used the shark language that sounds to the uneducated like a guttural roar.

Proving that being educationally sub-normal is hereditary Ellen Brody misinterprets this as aggression and needlessly skewers the shark with the pointy end of the boat. All of the feelings that the shark was having about the death of her family, the futility of existence and other things about cod are all released in a massive explosion of emotion, as the shark's head blows up. This was a far more emotional ending that the one in Free Willy, as in this film the big fish sacrificed itself, rather than using a dumb boy to escape from captivity and then manage to get itself captured again in the second film. Oh yeah, thanks for that Willy. Thanks for wasting precious hours of our lives, only to have you throw it all back in our faces by being captured, AGAIN.

Oh man, I'm getting angry now thinking about that stupid killer whale. If he turned up and started squeaking at me in an aquarium, and expecting me to feed him dead fish, he'd get a surprise when I fed him DYNAMITE! That's right I'd feed him explosives! BOOOM! Take that you ungrateful orca! Hah. Hah. Hah! Or rather than jumping out of an aquarium into the ocean and freedom, I'd make him jump into a deep fat fryer! That's why I'm the top of the food chain Willy, and you have you rely on children with appalling haircuts to save you. I can out-think you at every turn, you carnivorous under-water cow! I am your nemesis! Hear that Derek Palmers? Call me a retard will you? We'll see how retarded I am when killer whales flee from my fearsome gaze! So where's your RSPCA now, with its `Don't feed koala's class A drugs' eh? I'm feeding dynamite to killer whales and then serving them with chips! And I don't see you prosecuting WHALES for not wearing trousers!

Anyway, I give Jaws: The Revenge an embiggened score (as it is an embiggened creature) of 6 Gi-ants, which means it's good, but was penalised for not having Dean Cain in it. I expect the word Gi-ant to be appearing in the 2004 edition of the Oxford English dictionary as I invented it and they owe me a favour.

Tuesday 26 January 2010

KNR-220 Digital Camera

Not just a film reviewer.

I brought this digital camera called an KNR-220 from Tesco's and it's rubbish. Just as any ethical reviewer would do, I've decided to review this piece of junk so that other people won't make the same mistake I did and buy it. Reviewing electronics is practically the same as reviewing a film except you need to buy batteries for the gadget, which is already a mark against it. With films you just go and watch them, you don't need to provide a power source for them as well. Electronic manufacturers take note.

Now as I've already told you this sodding camera is crap. Every time I take a picture it makes this 'kerrr-chuck' noise, like it's an automatic SLR camera. Why does it do that? I know it's not an automatic SLR, so if the intention was to fool me into thinking I'd purchased something I hadn't then it's failed miserably. Now normally I couldn't care less, but the noise can't be turned off, so it always makes that annoying 'kerr-chuck' sound when I take a picture. That's fine when I'm zooming in to take a picture of somebody at a distance, but can be an unwarranted attention grabber up close.

Say (for example) you were a secret agent and you needed to buy a camera to take pictures of villains and their henchmen, you'd be in Tesco's looking for the cheapest camera whilst a couple of security guards followed you to make sure you didn't remove your trousers. So far so normal, however none of the cameras mention on the box that they make a noise. NONE OF THEM. So when logically choose the cheapest one you'll have no idea that it does that.

Now let's pretend that this secret agent then goes straight over to Dorothy Perkins because a villain (we'll call him Dr X) has set up a base in the changing rooms and is very close to finalising his plans to blow up the International Space Station. Like any good secret agent you put the camera under the curtain of the changing rooms and take a few shots, hoping to catch Dr X off-guard as he briefs his henchmen. However the camera goes 'kerr-chuck' and Dr X starts screaming and going “Oh my god! Oh my god! Help! HELP!”, and some shop assistants turn up and try to calm her down whilst calling the police, saying you can't leave.

Well done camera. You've just blown the secret agents' cover and probably doomed all of those aboard the ISS to certain death because you couldn't take a picture without making a noise. That's probably why I've NEVER seen a Bond film (or any of the Bourne films) where a secret agent buys a camera in Tesco's. Co-incidence? Now I think about it I don't think it is. Clearly MI5, CIA and U.N.C.L.E. Know that they would quickly have their cover blown using any of the shoddy cameras that Tesco sells.

Worst of all I can't take it back because the police confiscated it.

So if you're a big electronics company who need some of your latest gadgets reviewing and are looking for a blog that can do that then look no further. As well as a new digital camera I'm also on the market for a new DVD player and some night vision goggles.

Monday 25 January 2010

47

Neonsamurai's 'Speed' Review:

Firstly DON'T GO AND WATCH 'DISTRICT 9'. I just found out it was produced by Peter 'Look! It's Jesus' Jackson. Just thinking about him makes me angry. Suffice to say that makes 'District 9' rubbish. Don't ask, it just does.

Also whilst I'm complaining the number 47 buses to Worthing are staffed by Nazi's. The first Nazi (who wouldn't give me his name) wouldn't let me on board yesterday due to 'strict hygiene rules' and tried to close the doors. Luckily I got my head caught in them and shouted ”What if I needed to go to hospital eh? What then?” The Nazi simply shrugged and said “Call an ambulance?” Oh right. Brilliant idea. But HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT WHEN I DON'T HAVE A PHONE?!?! After he drove off I immediately called the bus company on my mobile to complain, but the woman on at the other end recognised my voice and hung up. She wouldn't do that if I was calling for an ambulance would she? Well, they used to back in Aylesbury when I called 999. I later found out that they had my number on file and called it a ' Code Brown' when I rang up.

Coincidentally the film I decided to review today is every bus driver's favourite film 'Speed' starring Keanu Reeves. Luckily I'm an open minded guy and won't let my personal view of the drivers of the number 47's who actually accelerated when they saw me waving my arms and trying to get them to stop in any way adversely effect the review of this film. The film is about a bus that has to go above a certain speed otherwise it explodes, because this guy who also thinks that bus drivers are dullards has put a bomb on it.

Basically people who like this film are retards. Not all of them admittedly, just those who drive buses. In fact, in the film the bus driver doesn't even drive the bus, Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock do, and for my money they make better drivers than any employee of the 'On the Go' bus company I've ever met. Imagine, for example, that you are a bus driver and you see somebody lying in the road. Logically you would gradually slow down the vehicle and then open the bus doors to see if the person was all right and then ask if they needed a lift to Worthing, regardless of any strange odours you may become aware of. But 'On the Go' drivers seem to have had an entirely different safety briefing though, whereby rather than a gradual slowing they simply slam on the breaks at the last minute, veer across the road, mount the pavement and hit the library. Then rather than check the well-being of the man who was lying in the road, come charging out of the cab swearing at him as he sprints off towards the Co-Op.

All I can say is thank goodness that Keanu was there to save the day otherwise I reckon all of the bus passengers would have been blown up. At one point Keanu actually goes underneath a moving bus to try and diffuse the bomb. I wonder if any of the 'On the Go' staff have ever done that? Somehow I doubt it.

You know why this was such a good film? Because there are hardly any bus drivers in it, and one who is gets blown up. Serves him right. Anyway, sorry there was no film review over the weekend, but I hurt my wrist when I threw myself in front of that bus and had to go to A&E.

Friday 22 January 2010

Sod it.

I can't write a movie review everyday, I don't even think that's humanly possible. Besides I was banned from Blockbusters yesterday for reasons that I won't go into, suffice to say that they seem to have a very strict dress code... FOR THEIR CUSTOMERS.

Instead I've decided to preview upcoming films like Jonathan Ross does on 'Film 2010'.


The Road:

Dolph Lungren, Charlize Theron and a kid live on a housing estate in Wales. They go for a walk during the winter and get lost and have to travel to the coast whilst other Welsh people try to kill them. At one point a field catches fire and somebody's house explodes. This one's a bit vague as I was watching it through the window of Blockbusters until the police turned up because some woman had reported a flasher. I couldn't hear what was being said in the trailer, but the words 'survive' and 'coming soon' appeared on the screen at the end, so it might be a bit pornographic.


The A Team:

Who could forget the TV show from the 80's about 3 men and a talking truck called Pitt? They'd solve crimes and arrest bad guys breaking the rules and saving the day. To be honest my recollection of the A Team isn't very good as it was about that time in the 80's when I started taking medication and the doctor told my mum not to let me watch anything violent on TV. But they're turning it into a movie starring Liam Neeson as Hannibal and some other people as the black guy and the mentaler. I'm not sure who'll be the voice of the truck, but I think in the TV show it was the posh guy from Magnum PI. But if the trailer is anything to go by it'll be action packed!


Tron: Legacy:

Imagine living inside a computer? That's the world of Tron! And by that I mean actually inside a program inside the computer, not just inside a computer, because you'd suffocate. Tron: Legacy shows us a world inside a computer where people ride glowing motorbikes around a strange looking place, until one guy crashes and another guy says “This isn't a game.” It's not a game, it's a film, so technically that's correct. Again, I'm not really sure what this one's about as the trailer on youtube didn't tell me much other than that.


Clash of the Titans:


I think this is a prequel to 'Remember the Titans', which was a film about why racism is wrong, which kind of makes sense because I guess that when they originally 'clashed' it was due to racism. If anybody reading my blog is considering becoming racist, I would strongly advise against it. I've see loads of films and not one has anything good to say about racism. At least I presume that's what this film is about. I only know about it because a woman I was watching was reading a newspaper article about it when she had her coffee in Starbucks and I just saw the title. She had a decaf cappuccino with soy milk and was wearing a red coat, blue boot-cut jeans and a white blouse. Her shoes were brown and matched her eyes and hair, which was cut to a shoulder length bob. How do I know all that? Because I write it all down in my book. When I'm not reviewing films I like to do research on women as part of an ongoing project.

Well that's about it for the new films coming out. I'm sure that there are more, but I know nothing about them as I'm a busy man. If somebody paid me to research them I would, but I'm not a sodding charity worker.

Wednesday 20 January 2010

So it continues

Well it's day two of my blog and it's still going strong. I've decided that I'm going to post a film review everyday without fail, so logically by this time next year I should have 365 movies reviewed. I'm not sure how many film reviews there are on IMDB, but there can't be much more than that, so people will soon be flocking here to work out which movies they need to watch. Incidentally, you can read some of my previous film reviews on IMDB here.

NeonSamurai's 'District 9' Review:


If aliens had control of a giant spaceship why come to earth? That's what you're thinking isn't it? Congratulations, YOU'RE A RACIST. At least that's what the lady at the job centre said to me when I asked why Danny Boyle decided to make a film about the Indian version of 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' rather than the British one. Her name's Hermione Crawford and she keeps asking me which jobs I've applied for. Every week I tell her that I'm trying to either review films, make films or (if all else fails) destroy films, and seeing as certain film magazines have stopped responding to my letters there's not a lot I can do. She also claims that you can't can't have a career that involves 'destroying films'. Oh really Hermione? Well I guess we'll have to disagree about that.

That's not all we disagree on though. Pretty much everything I do is in some way 'wrong' or 'abhorrent' according to Hermione, who has her hair in dreadlocks even though she's clearly too old to be in a band or too white to have come from Jamaica. Like when I point out flaws in films, such as Thelma and Louise. She went berserk and started ranting about the patriarchy, even though that's got nothing to do with the film. When I said I'd been to seen 'District 9' she rolled her eyes and asked if I understood the films message. Duh? I'm not a retard Hermione.

Basically it's about people persecuting people because they're different. She sort of relaxed when I told her that and snorted and said “yeah. Good.” I then explained that the hero is different and nobody likes him 'cos he's sort of weedy and has funny facial hair. His father in law doesn't like him, nor the soldiers and certainly not the horrid aliens who live in a filthy slum. That was it. She went mental. She forgot about asking me about which employers hadn't written back to me and started calling me a bigot, which, when you think about it sort of makes her a bigger bigot.

You see 'District 9' is about a man who ends up not only against society but also aliens as well. Something I can really identify with, since I was so persecuted by my home town Aylesbury I had to leave. Well actually it was Thames Valley Police who said I had to leave, as I was being put on a witness protection scheme. I don't recall ever witnessing a crime, or even giving evidence about one, but I agreed because the local superintendent came around my mum's house and practically begged me to go on it. “Please,” he said “please just leave Aylesbury. I'll do anything. I'll give you money. Here, here's forty two quid.” He seemed quite adamant that I should go and when I agreed he started crying and said “promise you won't come back.” Just to keep him happy I did, but I'm not sure if that verbal contract still stands as a couple of weeks later he got fired for wasting police resources. But at least the guy who's there at the moment seems more competent. He's been congratulated since the number of indecent exposures and koala attacks have dropped to virtually nil.

Although in Littlehampton they've actually gone up. This is worrying for me as I'm now a Littlehampton resident, although I've got a different name due to being on a witness protection scheme. They wouldn't let me choose my own even though I drew up a list of about thirty really good ones, one of which was Jesse McSchwang.

So I'd give 'District 9' a pretty high mark of 16. It's a human interest story about a man fighting aliens and evil soldiers who frankly deserve to get shot.

Tuesday 19 January 2010

So it Begins

Welcome to my blog! It's been so long since I was last allowed near a computer that I thought a logical way back into the world of movie reviewing was for me to blog about them rather than use the clearly defunct method of posting on imdb, or writing to universally despised publications like Empire Magazine, who simply tell you “we're not looking for any new reviewers at the moment” even though you just know they'd let Stephen Hawking review films. What does Hawking know about films? Nothing. I might not know who invented space, but I've seen the Matrix nine times (you read that right. Nine), so I think you'll find that makes me an expert not you Hawking.

Anyway, I've decided to kick this blog off with a bang by reviewing the biggest film to hit cinemas since that one with Gerard Butler in when he blew up a car. I'm not sure what it was called 'I'm in a State' or 'Estate' or something. I didn't go and see it though, but I just saw the trailer. He went to prison in it and I think grew a beard. The film I did review though was 'Avatar'.


NeonSamurai's Avatar Review:

Imagine you're in a wheelchair. No fun is it? Nobody takes you seriously and there's no chance of getting a job. Unless you're Stephen 'Give me a job Empire' Hawkings, then people will throw money at you, ignoring a perfectly good able-bodied film reviewer who has only been in a minimum security unit for a few months. But in the movie Avatar a guy in a wheelchair gets given a job getting inside a giant blue man. Not in a sexual way, but through his mind. There's a catch though, he has to go to another planet called Pandora which is so far away it takes 5 years just to get there!

It is, however, a beautiful but dangerous planet with lots of precious minerals that need to be mined. One of these is 'unobtainium'. Un-ob-tainium. I presume this metal was named because it can't be obtained, but clearly it can because they are. Surely 'hardtogetium' or 'veryrareium' would be much more accurate monikers for such a precious metal. Regardless of this glaringly obvious fault the corporation who own the planet have located metal 'X' (I refuse to call it unobtainium) under a tree. But there's a catch, the tree is home to these big, blue people called the Na'vi (which I think is a term used to describe a gay sailor) who aren't keen on moving. Clearly because of the estate agent motto: Location. Location. Location.

So the company sends in the wheelchair guy (a former marine) and a bunch of scientists using avatars (basically big, blue giants who look like the Na'vi) to negotiate with the locals and get them to move. Well that's a great plan. Send in trained killers and people who spend hours looking into Petri dishes to arrange to do a deal on purchasing some land? Why not send in a librarian and a couple of plumbers? Am I the only person to see the flaw here? I can only presume that wheelchair guys' dead brother was an estate agent and it was he that was supposed to go on the mission instead, using his property buying and selling skills. Oh did I mention that he only got the job because his brother died? Well he did. Fancy that EMPIRE MAGAZINE.

So apart from sending woefully unqualified people in blue giants to negotiate buying some prime real estate in order to dig up some badly named metal, what else could the company have overlooked? Oh yes, its scientists are hippies. Now I'm an open minded guy and I think that hippies have a place in society (working in a health food shop, or for the RSPCA) but not in a proper company. That's like a health food shop employing Rush Limbaugh as an assistant. You'd be like “am I in the right shop? This food clearly doesn't work.” Same goes for hippies. If I turned up for a job at 'Weapons, Oil and Burgers International' and the first thing my boss said to me was “okay man, you gotta feel the earth's vibe.” I'd be like “surely we're here to kick the earth's arse, not feel its vibe!”

Anyway, after that take a guess at what happens? That's right military intervention. Bish bash bosh. Job done. End of. Now that would be that. The tree is out of the way and everybody's happy. The company can get on with the mining and the Na'vi can all go and act like blue-coloured emo's around a radioactive weeping willow. But no. Wheelchair guy decides that all the able bodied people need a kicking. So he rounds up all the Na'vi on the planet and forms a huge army, as well as asking a tree for help (I wonder where he got that idea from PETER JACKSON?). Seeing that this is an act of war (because it is) the army go after them and the resulting carnage sees thousands killed. Do you think an estate agent would have raised an army? No.

But a guy in a wheelchair WHO WASN'T QUALIFIED FOR THE JOB did and got lots of people killed. That's not a theory EMPIRE MAGAZINE it's a FACT and was pretty obviously the whole point of the film.

I'm still looking for a job Empire Magazine. I have no brother, don't use a wheelchair, have watched loads of films and wouldn't sleep with a giant blue lady unless I could sleep with a normal one instead. Face it I'm your best choice as a film reviewer.