Tuesday 30 March 2010

WTF (x3)?!?!?!?!

Neonsamurai's 'A Fish Called Wanda' review:

Who makes decisions at the BBC? Is it:

a) A board of experts who carefully consider every option.

Or

b) A spaz.

Here's a clue, it's not 'a' and they've probably got stuck in a telephone box this morning. How do I know this (not the telephone box bit, that's just a theory)? Well I'll show you how I know this right
here.
Claudia Winkleman has been confirmed as the surprise choice to replace Jonathan Ross on Film 2010.
What? Winkleman? Why? Why choose Winkleman? Oh I know, I'll go check out some her previous film reviews... Oh wait a minute... That's not possible because SHE'S NOT DONE ANY. Whereas I've done OVER 70. This is beyond a debacle. Why on earth would anyone, even someone who is a spaz, choose a non-reviewer with zero experience to helm 'Film 2010'? That duck-obsessed hack Emily Stephenson has more film review experience than Winkleman and even then it's been universally agreed that her review of 'Fantastic Mr. Fox' was rubbish. But let's see what Winkleman has to say for herself:

"I am completely over the moon about being given this enormous
honour and am incredibly proud to be presenting the new look Film 2010. It's an
honour to follow on from the brilliant Jonathan Ross."
Oh of course you're proud and 'over the moon' to be presenting 'Film 2010', and I'm sure I would be the same if I was chosen to host 'Strictly Come Dancing', but I'd also be bloody amazed that they'd chosen me FOR NO APPARENT REASON. Also because I allegedly 'stalked' two of the contestants. Did you even write to the BBC for the job Winkleman? I did and I didn't even get a sodding response. No "we're sorry Neonsamurai, but although you're perfect for the job we're giving it to Winkleman, for no apparent reason", or "no you can't present 'Film 2010' but we'll let you do 'How to Look Good Naked' instead".

Oh and if Ross is so brilliant, how come he never responds to my tweets?
Seeing as the spaz who made this decision made zero effort to research myself, (or I suspect any other film reviewer other than Winkleman, who isn't a film reviewer) I thought I'd post some of the feedback I've had over the years about my film reviews:

"I'm glad the RSPCA had you arrested." Lynlyn81

"You missed the whole point of the film." W4rr10r

"I demand you remove it from the internet at once!" Derek Palmers

"If you email me again I will notify Blogger." JenDZR

"UR mazziv ghey!!!!!!!!!!!!!" BAUER91

Face it, it's a sad day for film reviews everywhere when the person at the helm of the world's greatest film review show knows nothing about films, actors, producing, key grip and all that other stuff they have to do to make a film.

Monday 29 March 2010

Dave's Movie Buzz - Alien Prequel Special

Daves Movie Buzz - Alien Prequel Special

Alright? Daves heer with more Movie Buzz. This week Ive been speaking with the yakuza, who are like the Chinese version of the Mafia, and because a lot of movie business takes place in resterants they sort of listen in and then act on it. Apparently Wrigley Scott had a some sweet and sower chicken balls and some egg-fried rice in the Lotus Garden in Burnley and said some stuff about the new Alien film.

Alien Prequel Set Space: Rather than set it on earth the Alien prequel will take place in space, like on a planet or something. Maybe a spaceship.

More Comedy and Fun: After the dull and boring ones set on a prison planet, Wrigley reckons he 'll make it more of a comedy and take the series in a new direction, like Cameron did with Aliens. "If you think about it an alien coming out of a mans tummy is quite funny. Like in Spaceballs or something." said Wrigley.

Sigurney Weaver Not in It: Weaver won't be in the prequel because she'll be too old to be a yonger one of herself. "If we'd made the prequel before we made Alien" said Wrigley "Then we could have made her look younger with make up. But she's like 70 or something now, so it's impossible."

Cast Will be all Midgets: Because the aliens in the prequel are going to be much bigger than before they need smaller actors to play the space marines. "Weve got the cast of TimeBandits playing the army." If its a comedy then it makes sense as loads of people find midgets funny.

Theme Song by Lilly Allen: Popular singer Lilly Allen will do a song for the movie called 'Chest Burster'. Last week Lilly Allen was in this pub and this bloke was hassling her so this geezer decked him. Shut him right up. Then he got off with Lilly.

That's all the stuff the yakuza told me abowt the Alien Prequel. The yakuza often kill people with venom from jellyfish. Just so you know.

Friday 26 March 2010

Gulf War

You know who women can't get enough of?

Hugh Grant.

Why's he so special? It's not like he's Steven Segal or Chuck Norris who can both seriously kick ass. It just seems to me that Grant doesn't bring that much to the table. Other than perhaps the fact that he's English, which women seem to love. I'm English and it doesn't work for me.

I'll bet if a woman came home and found Hugh Grant in her house she'd be over-the-moon, but in a similar situation involving myself they call the police. Why? I'm not sure exactly what the 'special something' that Grant seemingly has that I don't is, but evidently it's important enough that he doesn't have to spend 36 hours in police custody. Apart from that time with the prostitute of course.

I think that the main problem is that most women in the UK are mental. Not as mental as Abigail (who is back at the clinic and just weeping all the sodding time) but maybe 60% wrong-in-the-head. Imagine you're a woman and you're looking for a man, logically you'd choose the one who liked the same things that you did (your underwear, getting naked, watching people, movies, etc). Does Hugh Grant like any of those things? I'd imagine he probably doesn't and yet women persist in liking him. I see nothing special about him ergo: women are psychotic.

As if to underline this fact with a big, thick permanent marker there has to date only been 1 (non-valid) entry in the heavily publicised 'Win a Date with Neonsamurai' competition, which includes free food and maybe bus fare (depending on location).

WOMEN: ARE YOU MENTAL? PROVE YOU'RE NOT BY ENTERING MY COMPETITION FOR SEX

Neonsamurai's 'Weapons of the Gulf War' Review:

Using a currently untapped goldmine of successful and (mostly) unheard of films from popular high street eBay precursor Scope, I have obtained a film not about people, but weapons. Whilst this may sound 'cute' like 'Toy Story' it's certainly not, giving you hard facts about the hardware that was used in the first Gulf conflict. Also it's just the ones the Americans used.

Really, they just talk about guns, planes, bombs, tank and battleships. It's alright. Not much of a storyline, except how the Americans won.

No Oscars for this one either. It's too much like 'Tim Lovejoy's Football Heroes', except without Tim Lovejoy (who's very talented) which counts against it.

Monday 22 March 2010

No More Heroes Anymore

Neonsamurai's 'Tim Lovejoy's Football Heroes' Review:

Well this wasn't what I'd expected. I enjoyed 'Shaolin Soccer' and thought that this was more of the same. It's not. It's just Tim Lovejoy interviewing some pensioners and showing lots of stock footage of boring football matches. Sure, it only cost me 99p from Scope, but I was at least hoping for some kung fu action or some back-flips. If Tim Lovejoy had lunged across the room and chopped Jimmy Greaves across the throat I might have enjoyed it.

Lovejoy: "I've got one last question Greavesie and that's... HIYAAAAAH!"

Greaves: "URK!... GACK!... Windpipe..."

But he didn't.

Now normally this sort of thing would make me VERY angry, because to me a 'hero' is somebody who uses violence to beat somebody up who basically deserves it. But I decided to look up the word 'hero' just to see if there are any other uses for it. Here's what I found:
1. a man distinguished by exceptional courage, nobility, fortitude, etc.
2. a man who is idealized for possessing superior qualities in any field
3. (Myth & Legend / Classical Myth & Legend) Classical myth a being of extraordinary strength and courage, often the offspring of a mortal and a god, who is celebrated for his exploits
4. the principal male character in a novel, play, etc.
Notice how I have highlighted point number 2. A man who possesses superior qualities in any field. So I guess that Tim Lovejoy is correct and that these men who were really good at football can technically be called 'heroes'. But then I'm one of the best film reviewers around (probably best in England, for sure) so I guess that would make ME a hero. A film review hero.

I'm also sort of the principle male character on this blog, so it sort of counts twice.

Anyway I'm not going to give 'Tim Lovejoy's Football Heroes' an oscar, because it's not very good, and the storyline is weak.

Besides, since I got my new DVD player I've got better things to be doing than Writing DVD reviews.

Sunday 21 March 2010

Dave's Movie Buzz

Dave's Movie Buzz 210310

I know people in the industry. Not actors or ponces like that but mafia guys who aren't afraid to silence peeple who mess with them.

Jet Lee Bruce Lees Son: They did some DNA tests and stuff on Jet Lee and it turns out hes Bruce Lees son, which is why they reckon he so good at karate. When they told him he said something like "It is great honowr to be son of Bruce lee". Hes also vowed to avenge his dads death.

Sting Beaten up in Pub: Sting was getting all gobby in the Bricklayers Arms pub in Aylesbury and tryin it on with these girls who werent interested. So this bloke says "leave it Sting, if you know whats good for you" and Sting said "bodyguards, get him!" So this bloke who was ex-special forces beat up three bodyguards and then knocked Sting out with one punch. Pow! When Sting woke up he started blubbing and legged it. The girls where really thankful to the guy, whois name I can't mention. Obviously Sting will deny any of this happened.

Hollywood to Make Michael Jackson Biopic: They reckon the buget will be about 300 million and Jackson will be played by 3 actors. Will Smith's son, Will Smith and then Eric Bana. Apparently, the story will be about his life and how he went mental.

Zulu Remake Starring Jamie Fox: The remake will be about how a squad of African American soldiers who make up a special forces unit got parachuted into Kenya to stop a rogue British Army Commander from blowing up a peaceful town of Zulus. Jamie Fox stars as Captain Jackson Shaft, as wisecracking but respected officer who has to deal with racism and also killing loads of people. Its being produced by Mel Gibson.

Thats it for this weeks movie buzz. If anyones got any idea for what I could right about next week let me know as I'm runing out of ideas.




Wednesday 17 March 2010

Yes Master Chen


Dr Hinds at the clinic has been getting more and more angry of late, so I've been trying to cheer her up by playing a few practical jokes. I'm pretty sure that anyone else would at least laugh at this sort of thing, but she's actually getting angrier.

Question: You're a doctor and you've got a depressed patient who just seems to cry all the bloody time. She turns up every week and just cries and cries, won't talk to one of the other patients who 'frightens' her and has delusional fears about ghosts. Clearly whatever you're doing isn't working, or there should at least have been some change by now, so you need to take action fast in order to cheer up Abigail and stop her getting sectioned. What would logically be the best course of action?


Answer: A man leaps out from the cupboard in your office shouting "BOO!" That's funny right? It's ironic. Abigail is afraid of ghosts so I pretend I'm a ghost and we all have a laugh, because ghosts aren't real. Surely cheering up a patient would make Hinds happy.


No. Apparently it doesn't.


And now Abigail has been sectioned, probably because Hinds sat around talking, rather than taking any action. But mostly because Abigail is convinced that men are now hiding all over the country waiting to attack her. As if. The woman's mental.


So what does Hinds do? She refers me back to Dr Chen. Now I don't mind this too much, except that I have to travel to Worthing once a week (longer journey means less time for film reviews), and the magazines at Chen's practice are mostly about homes, gardens and women's issues. At least Hinds had some old copies of 'What Car?' I could read, and a 'Twinkle' annual from 1982.


But I don't mind because I like to pretend Dr Chen is like 'Mr Miyagi' from the 'Karate Kid' and full of ancient wisdom and knowledge. I'm always polite and calm with Dr Chen (except that time somebody left a 'Peanuts' comic in reception and those orderlies had to restrain me), and nod respectfully at what he has to say:

Dr. Chen: "XXX, have you stopped taking your medication?"

Me: "Aah. Before a man can stop he must at first begin."

Dr. Chen: "So that's a 'no' then."

But mostly it's about him asking if I think I'm properly dressed to be out in public. However, yesterday I met with Chen for the first time in months and he asked if I'd mind if a few more specialists came along to assess my condition. Apparently I've got so many 'issues' that technically I should be insane. Erm... Would an 'insane' person have their own blog with 4 followers and be in the running to present Film 2010? I think not.

Neonsamurai: 1

Medical Science: 0

I'll take my phone with me this afternoon and keep you all updated on what these 'experts' think.

Monday 15 March 2010

If you're going to rip me off, do it properly

"Hmm... I think I'll become a reviewer, even though I don't know the first thing about it."
"And I'm mental."


What the hell is this about?


NeonReviews

"-personal reviews of just about anything"

Who does this guy think he is? NeonReviews? My name's Neon and I review things! This guy's some kind of copycat imposter! Let me show you what 'Mr Imposter' probably percieved circa November 2003:

"Hmm... What an insightful and revealing review of 'Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring' I have just read on IMDB. Although I have never done any film-critic work before I think it looks really easy, therefore I shall create my own website and review things. And I'll name it NeonReviews, because I have no imagination."

If reviewing films was easy IMDB would be crammed full of peoples self-opinionated nonsense. And although I am slightly flattered that he's named his site after me I cannot abide dishonesty or amateurish reviews (YOU PAYING ATTENTION EMILY?). For those of you thinking about becoming film reviewers here's a set of guidelines I suggest you stick to:

1) Is whatever you're reviewing worth reviewing before you review it? This is important. Everyone knows that romantic comedies are rubbish; predictable script, little or no nudity, rarely any explosions and ultimately the woman marries a non-violent man without any emotional instabilities. Boring. So why waste your time watching it? Answer: Don't. Simply look at the DVD box, make a note of some of the actors or characters names and then just write something like 'a lacklustre film with no boobage'. Using this this system I was able to review all six series of 'Sex and the City' in less than ten minutes. It was a 'rubbish, lacklustre series with no boobage'.

2) You can't make an omelette without kicking-ass. Sure, the 'LOTR' trilogy was rubbish and probably a massive flop, but it could have run on for at least another three or four films, much like the 'Police Academy' movies. Luckily I stood up to those big-city movie types and told it like it was, not only exposing the films flaws, but also what was wrong with Jackson's face. Did they make any sequels? Duh? No. Bruce Lee used to always try and punch two inches beyond his opponents face, to do maximum damage (Dave punches 2 feet beyond his opponents faces). That's what you should do metaphorically with a film review, aim beyond what you're trying to do for maximum effect. Let's say you're reviewing a film by (picking a name at random) Ang Lee. It's rubbish and really he should just give up film making, why not go beyond insulting him and start ridiculing his family? If you don't he will continue making films.

3) Don't be afraid to be a maverick. What do all these people have in common; Lt Christopher Blair, Lt Pete Mitchell and Bret Maverick. Answer they were all mavericks who lived by their own rules and slept with lots of women. And two of them were pilots. Most reviewers fall waaaay short of this impressive milestone, which is why nobody reads their stuff. I on the other hand don't play by 'their' rules. And by 'their' I mean the film industry with their various regulations concerning trespassing and a forms of indecent exposure. Boo hoo Hollywood. Rules are made to be broken, and I'm a rule-breaking sledgehammer of a film-reviewer. Deal with it.

4) Never admit you're wrong. Let's say that you went to see a film that you thought was a black and white silent movie because some googly-eyed girl you met on line liked that sort of thing, only to find out it was a visceral horror movie. So scary in fact that the police canine unit turned up and you had to escape via the toilet window (a very good escape route). Now some people might email you saying 'it's the most famous horror film of the 90's you moron' and 'a decent film reviewer would have known what it was about'. But only a third-rate movie critic would concede. A decent one would write a very aggressive letter to Ridley Scott demanding he change the name of the film to something like 'Scary Hannibal Eats Faces' or 'Not a Silent Film with No Lambs'.

Hopefully if any of you are thinking about writing a film review then you can take all of this into consideration. It'll completely change the way people perceive film reviews.

Dave's Movie Buzz 150310

Dave has sent this weeks 'movie buzz' to me via text, so I'm having to guess at what some of it is supposed to mean, partly because he never switches off his predictive text. Dave was originally going to be the lead racing driver for the 'Arrows' team, but since he has to give 6 weeks notice at the bus station they gave the job to Damon Hill instead. All information here is genuine because it came from the mouths of criminals.

Dave's Movie Buzz.

Jason Stepney making Train Spotter 4: I'm pretty sure there's no film-star called 'Jason Stepney', but I'm not about to question anything Dave tells me. Neither am I familiar with the 'Train Spotter' film series, but if they're making number 4 then it must be very popular with train fans.

Corrie Actors Dead: The whole cast of 'Coronation Street' died from a drug overdose. Doesn't surprise me. Actors are always getting drunk and taking drugs. Besides, 'Coronation Street' is rubbish.

Linday Lohan kills tramp: I'm assuming this is what Dave meant. It wasn't very clear in his text, but I suppose it's plausible. Many film stars are so rich and powerful that they can pretty much do what they want. Dave once told me that Paul McCartney was going to pay him £20,000 if he'd let his late wife chase him through the streets of Bedford, armed with a sniper rifle. Kind of like an urban fox hunt, but with a man as the quarry. However, when MCartney found out that Dave was ex-special forces he reneged on the deal. He was worried that the hunted might become the hunter.

Tom Crude lank tub 4U in move knife + dank U twit Alan Monday: I've no idea what this was about so I just posted exactly what Dave's text said.

Hopefully there'll be some more of Dave's Movie Buzz next week, providing Dave doesn't get really drunk again and start wanting to play cowboys.

Back with a vengeance

I don't know what the hell that 'Project Drunk' stuff is about. I'm pretty sure none of that actually happened. I think someone might have hacked the account, so I've changed the password, just to be sure.

We were supposed to be going to the Windmill Cinema this Saturday to watch 'Precious' because Dave is a big 'Lord of the Rings' fan and said it was a prequel about Gollum, but I felt like a really fat person sat on my brain. So instead we stayed in and played Super Smash brothers on Dave's Wii until Luigi started to make me
really angry. Then Dave's mum came to pick him up so we didn't have time to review any films, and Dave 'couldn't be arsed' to write a 'Movie Buzz'.

"Hmm... No DVD player, banned from Blackbusters and his friend failed to deliver up-to-the-minute movie news. Well I guess that's the end of 'NeonSamurai's Movie Review Blog."

WRONG


Any other, less committed movie reviewer, who still lived with her parents and couldn't have got absolutely wasted on Friday night because they don't server children Bacardi Breezers would probably have given up by now. You know, start crying and generally freaking out as children so often do. But I'm not Emily Stephenson so I managed turn a defeat into a victory. Check this out:


How much do you think that cost me? £50? £100? £500? Wrong, wrong and double wrong. It cost me NOTHING.

I've got some contacts at the Recycling Centre who always wave and laugh and generally muck about with me. They've even got a nick-name for me. "Oi! Oi! It's Stig!" they shout and I make car noises and pretend to drive around (like them I'm a massive 'Top Gear' fan). We've been friends ever since I fell into the cardboard recycling skip and got my arm stuck in the bottle bank. One of the in-jokes we share is that one of them has to follow me around the site in case I try to climb in the compactor again (which was part of a joke I was doing about Superman), and this week it was Roger. He always wants to know what I've been up to and no matter what I say he thinks it's really funny, especially what I got up to on Saturday night.

Anyway, one thing lead to another and I told Roger that my DVD player was broken and Roger gave me a little wink and said "Stig, I reckon we can sort something out for you." Five minutes later Roger had presented me this RCA DVD player for me for FREE. No-one's ever given me anything before.

"Oh but Neon, how will you manage to obtain DVD's without a Blackbuster account?" Is what a thick person reading my blog would ask.

Well I guess you're so thick you've never heard of Scope before. Basically they're where people used to get second hand tat before the invention of eBay. But they also stock an extensive range of DVD's and videos. For less than £5 I got ' A Fish Called Wanda', 'Weapons of the Gulf War' and 'Tim Lovejoy's Football Heroes', all on DVD (reviews pending) and I don't have to take them back in a few days. They're mine to keep forever. Better watch out Blackbusters, looks like your days are numbered.

And as for movie buzz, well Dave text'd me some movie facts which I'll post later.

THAT'S RIGHT WE'RE BACK!

Friday 12 March 2010

pROJECT dRUNKL

mEAND dAVE ARE absoluetly wasted! LOL!!! We are so drunk and We thought it wou,ld be a really funny idea to do a reciew of a filnm when drunk to seeee uif our views changed on it. We're going to wsatvh 'Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrwells' , wihch we've seen loads of time berfore. It's go ing to be hilarkious!





NEol iis blender


LOL!!! No dave is a 'be nder'!

WE're pisssssssssssssssssedf!

LOL!!! Daves is soo drunk he can't walk !!!!

BROKEBAKL MOUTAIN!!!!!!!!!!!

IS Rubbisj!!!!!


I wannnnt cock



????????????!!

Cockcola

LOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! No MORE BEER!!!!

nO MOR BEER?

More beer! We're drinking stella.

stellaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Dave, do some movie buzzz!

Movee buzxz' Neol like willie up battam.

LOL!!! No I d0on't! And it's NEON.

Your my best frenmd.

lol gaylord!


LOL!!! Daves' pretending to kiss me! Nooo stop!

llelelellololloloolololololool!kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkklLL LFGl

Orca Imposter


As regular readers will know, I'm an open-minded guy who tends to take everyone at face value (NOT YOU JAVIER, YOU'RE A DICK), and I'm willing to accept that we all make mistakes. But what I will not stand for is blatant lying, and like my friend Dave who has the ability to 'scope' a sniper at a thousand metres, I can spot a liar a mile off (which is a figure of speech, not an exact measurement).

So imagine how angry THIS made me.

Ask Shamu? ASK SHAMU? Shamu didn't answer those questions, (unless I'm confused and Shamu is actually a person. But let's be honest, would you call your kid Shamu? It's a worse name than 'Mo' Nique' and sounds like a hair-care product).

Now understand, that I'm not getting angry just because Shamu is a killer whale like 'Free Willy', but because basically somebody is pretending to be somebody they're not. In this case they're pretending to be a bloody-great underwater killing machine. Does anyone reading that website actually believe that those are the answers given by a real orca? If you asked a killer whale any of those questions you definitely wouldn't get a coherent answer:


Q: Why is a killer whale called a killer whale?
A: "SQUEEAAAK! SQUEEAAAK!"

Q: Is the killer whale really a killer?
A: "SQUEEAAAK! ROOOOAAAAAAR!

Q: CHRIST! MY ARM! ARRGH... GLUB! GARGLE!
A: "ROOOOAAAARRRR!"

DON'T DENY THAT WOULDN'T HAPPEN DEREK PALMERS BECAUSE IT DAMN WELL WOULD.

So although I'm not actually reviewing a film today I think it's equally important to tell people that just because something is written on the internet doesn't mean that the person (or black and white carnivorous behemoth) who wrote is actually who they say they are.



Update: Still no twitter response from @Nikolekidman, who apparently 'love Act'.





Thursday 11 March 2010

IMDB Can't Handle the Truth


"I want the truth!"

"You can't handle the truth!"

If Nicholson had said that to me I'd have looked annoyed and said in a slow deliberate manner "I blinkin' well CAN handle the truth."

That would have shut him up.

Regardless of this I have another review (or maybe that should be 'review' IMDB) that those stuffy bigwigs at another less popular movie review site simply couldn't handle. Oh, but what's this? Turns out that comedienne, mathematical genius and spelling expert Jennifer Dziura knows better. Apparently my review for popular music and dance film 'Fame' is in fact a review and not a 'gross infraction of site policy'. Who are you going to believe, some guys sat around a big table in some huge skyscraper, using $100 bills to light their Cuban cigars as they try to crush the dreams of people who want to give opinions on films, or a woman once voted Miss New York Traditional Foods? Obviously it's the later and you can check out Jennifer's (or Jen as I like to call her) blog here.

Oh what's that IMDB? Still don't believe me? Well let's see what we have here. Oops. Looks like some huge multinational internet review site has been brought to its knees by a maverick film-reviewer and some woman who asked me not to email her anymore. So here's my 'review' in all it's glory:


Neonsamurai's 'Fame' review:

Nobody ever takes responsibility for his or her own actions these days:

A kid jumps out of a window dressed as a superhero and breaks his leg; Blame the film ‘Superman'.

An 8-year-old girl steals a Ferrari and crashes it into Toys ‘R Us; Blame ‘The fast and the Furious'.

A toddler tries to shoot the pope with a customised Walther WA 2000, loaded with mercury tipped bullets; Blame ‘Mrs Doubtfire'.

Yet when I get reported to the police for borrowing ladies clothing from a washing line, arresting officers actually laughed (that's right, laughed!) when I tried to blame ‘Fame', or more specifically ‘The Kids from Fame'. That's right, Thames Valley Police refused to allow ME the right to pass the responsibilities for MY actions onto the movie ‘Fame'.

This fat, ugly copper looks at me and says; `Errrr… I'm pretty sure ‘The Kids from Fame' didn't dress up in old ladies bloomers sir. And why have you got a bra on your head?' It's like living in a Nazi police state! One false accusation after another!

I give the film ‘Fame' a rating of 2 out of 10 when used as an alibi.

Wednesday 10 March 2010

Nothing to do with 'Peanuts'


I'm only going to have to give a short review today as I've got to go and see some sort of hypno-therapist that the clinic sorted out for me. Normally I wouldn't mind, but they've got one of those stupid revolving doors. Who invented revolving doors? I'll tell you who, an idiot.

Neonsamurai's 'Harry Brown' review:


At first I didn't want to watch this as I thought it was a remake of those stupid, bloody 'Peanuts' cartoons, with that autistic dog Snoopy. Why is it so bloody cool to have autism, yet when someone maybe has mild persecutory delusions, or maybe erotomania then they need to have some CBT? Where did Snoopy find the money to buy all of his costumes? He's a dog. Technically he hasn't got the means to even carry money, unless he held it in his mouth (which you shouldn't do in case a tramp has been holding it). I can suspend disbelief to a point (which is why I liked 'The Patriot'), but there's a limit, and that limit is Snoopy.


But the film isn't about Charlie Brown it's about
Harry Brown, who is played by Sir Michael Caine. Harry lives on an estate in London where loads of thuggish teenagers terrorise anyone who comes along, so Harry tries to avoid them, but in doing so can't get to the hospital in time to see his ill wife die. Oooh! That made both Dave and myself very angry (and a bit sad)! Then to cap it all the same teenage thugs kill Harry's only friend. Not only that, but the police show little or no interest. Yet when a man mistakenly walks into the changing rooms of Top Shop and begins taking his clothes off they bloody well turn up like gang-busters. I can only hypothesize that if you are being chased by a gang of murderers, then removing your clothes will get a faster police response than calling 999.

Harry decides that enough is enough and decides to take on the thugs using the only language they understand; bad language. And also by shooting them. I'm no legal expert, but this seems to work very well. Dave said that it's pretty much what he'd do if some kids were threatening an old man, or some girls. I pointed out that the kids who hang out around 'Chick n' Fish' are always hassling me and making fun of my coat, but he always runs off when they start. Apparently this is because when he was special forces he was only trained to kill, not subdue, so he was running away to protect those kids, which sort of makes sense I think.


But no sooner has the fully-clothed Harry begun shooting thugs that the police begin investigating the deaths and start tracking him down. They don't go straight around his house and begin asking his mum if he was at home when someone matching his description let a wild animal loose in 'The Lounge' nightclub (probably because he doesn't live with his mum) but sort of ask open and leading questions, trying to catch him out. But Harry's a bit smart and keeps his cool.


'Harry Brown' is a very powerful and moving film about shooting mouthy, little bastards. It's so good, in fact, that I'm going to give it an Oscar (my new marking system) for being a really good film. Other films you might like involving young thugs who need a bloody good hiding include the 'Death Wish' series, 'Payback', 'Death Sentence' and 'Goonies'.

Monday 8 March 2010

New Oscar Awards

"And winner of Most Stupid Face goes to..."

Best Actress, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Writer, Best Screenplay, Best Editor etc. That's a pretty boring list of categories for the Oscars. No wonder nobody bothers watching it these days. I mean, honestly who cares? If the Hollywood wants to make the Oscars popular again then they need some kind of maverick, loose-cannon with a great deal of film knowledge to shake things up and get people tuning in again. And by maverick, loose-cannon I mean me.

Here are my suggestions for new awards that we should have at the Oscars, including people whom I believe should have been this years winners.

Biggest Stupid Idiot: Ang Lee - Oh dear. Looks like Ang Lee is the biggest stupid idiot in Hollywood. How did that happen Ang? Well maybe because some of us remember 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'. To be completely honest it was a miracle that the Hulk actually made an appearance in 'The Hulk'. And I saw 'Brokeback Mountain' a few weeks back, which made me feel very uncomfortable, particularly when Dave started going back to watch some bits again.

Rudest Actress: Nicole Kidman - FIVE LETTERS AND ONE TWEET KIDMAN. I'm not a mathematician but that's 6 attempts I've made to contact you and have had zero response. Know what? I'm going to tweet Hugh Jackman and tell him how rude you Americans are. How'd you like that eh? Oh what's that? No response? Well there's a surprise.

Most Ridiculous Name: Mo'Nique - Is that you're first name or your last name? I'm pretty sure you can't actually have a name like that. I tried changing my name years back, but they don't let you choose names that make you sound like a spaz. Well clearly they do in America.

Most Stupid Face: Peter Jackson - Out of all the people in Hollywood it turns out that Jackson has the most stupid face. Ha! Take THAT Jackson! Maybe then you'll realise how offensive the whole 'Lord of the Rings' series was to everybody. Oh look, it's Jesus on a horse. Oh look there's another Jesus and now some trees have come alive. I can't believe you wrote that rubbish.

I've got loads of other awards that I can give to 'Dr' Stephen Hawking, Jewel from 'Jewel in the Nile', 'Free Willy', John Nash and Emily Stephenson, so it's clearly something I've put a lot of thought into.

Oscars


Well another year goes by and Hollywood completely fails to ask for my opinions on who and what should be winning Oscars again. Do you know why? It's because I'm a maverick, a loose-cannon film reviewer who breaks the rules and tells it like it is. You want a simple film review then walk on by pal because if you turn down Neonsamurai Street get ready for film-criticism that'll blow your mind.

So which films and people should have won this year? Well here's the official Neonsamurai Oscars 2010
results:

Best Picture: Avatar - I haven't actually seen 'The Hurt Locker' but Avatar had these huge, blue aliens and massive fighting suits which I think was enough to win it an Oscar.

Actor in a Leading Role: Dr Who - I really enjoyed watching the last few episodes of Dr Who, but the role was played by two actors; David Tennants and Matt Smith. So I think the award should go to the role instead.

Actress in a Leading Role: Sandra Bullock - Well done Hollywood. You got this one right. Other possible choices could have been Whoopee Goldberg or Famke Janssen, but certainly not Nicole Kidman, who apparently is also incapable of responding to tweets.

Actor in a Supporting Role: Christoph Waltz - Being old enough to appreciate it I thought 'Inglorious Bastards' was a good film. My mate Dave said that Waltz was particularly good, mainly because he's an expert on military history. He's got some buttons that came off Hitler's jacket which are 24 carat gold.

Actress in a Supporting Role: Whoopee Goldberg - I've no idea who this Mo'Nique is. Is that even a proper name? Sounds like an X-Men villain. What does it say on her credit card? 'Ms M Nique'? Sounds like part of a Bill Cosby monologue. Ridiculous.

Animated Feature Film: Avatar - Most of it was computer animated. I didn't bother going to see 'Up' either. Dave wanted to watch 'District 9' instead.

Foreign Language Film: Who Cares? - No, that's not the name of a film, it's just that nobody cares.

So not really a great deal of difference, apart from Dr Who creeping in to win best actor, and the brilliantly talented (and very funny) Whoopee Goldberg getting best supporting actress. Did you know that Whoopee Goldberg is married to Ted Danson? Imagine how hilarious their life must be? I just know that Whoopee and I would be such great friends.

Saturday 6 March 2010

Twitter

Unlike other less-respected film reviewers who care more about ducks than movies I've decided to take it to the next level and signed up to Twitter. You can get up-to-the-minute film reviews by signing up to my Twitter feed, which I suggest you do.

Otherwise you'll be so out of touch with movie news, film reviews, gossip and other stuff.

Dave's Movie Buzz

Dave's Movie Buzz 060310

Alrite? I know the mob and the mob controls Hollywood. This is what they say's happening in movies this week.

Suzanne Sarandon has too much sex. Suzanne Sarandon had sex with nine different men in one day and then went on a sex rampage though LA showting “SEX! SEX! I WANT SEX!” The city grownd to a halt and it wasn't until a copper used teer gas on her that Sarandon could be stopped. They reckon she did 10 million pownds worth of damage.

Nobody goes to Sting's party. Sting hired out The Lownge nightclub in Aylesbury for a big party for all of his showbiz mates, but none of them turned up, so he just gave away all this beer and champagne. I got a couple of crates of Dom Perynon 'cos I know a bouncer there and he owed me a favour.

Lost TV series turns out to be a computer game. That bloke who made Lost let slip the other day that it's basically a computer game like World of Warcraft and all of the peopul in it are the players. Apparantly he'd had a few and then started hasling these girls and then this bloke clocked him one. Knocked him right out. Then the girls snogged the bloke that hit him.

Man sells Star Wars figure for 5 thowsand pownds. I used to have this Star Wars figure called Darth Avenger, who was like the guy who trained Darth Vada and is the hardest guy in the universe. Jorge Lucaz wrote him out of the films but they made a prototipe toy which I sold for 5 grand, because I owed the mafia money.

Thats it for this week, and don't forget if someone reckons it aint true they'd better watch it because the mafia told me and they don't like being told their liars.

Friday 5 March 2010

Complete Basterds


Neonsamurai's 'Inglourious Basterds' review:

Today I have decided to review a film called 'Inglourious Basterds', which I think was supposed to be called 'Inglorious Bastards'. Not a big problem for me as I knew what they were trying to spell, but other, less intelligent or younger viewers might have been confused. I mean imagine if you were 10 years old and you were trying to review this film? You firstly wouldn't understand the title and also you won't be able to review it FOR ANOTHER 8 YEARS.

It's an '18' certificate you see.

The film is about an elite squad of Nazi hunters who are parachuted behind enemy lines and run around killing as many Germans as they can. As an adult I can deal with a concept like this because I know that the real world is a dangerous and violent place, much like a Jean Claude Van Damme movie, but for somebody much younger they'd probably just freak out and go mental. Let's say there was a gala premier and there was all these important people like royalty and members of parliament and Brad Pitt said “And once we're in enemy territory, as a bushwhackin' guerrilla army, we're gonna be doin' one thing and one thing only... killin' Nazis.” then this ten year old goes berserk because she can't handle it. They'll just have to cancel the premier AND arrest the ten year old for sneaking into an 18 rated movie. Well sorry Quentin Tarrantino, but some kid has just blown your Oscar chances. Are you sure you want an under-age film reviewer watching your movie? Answer: No.

Whilst killing Nazis behind enemy lines the special forces squad find out that the Germans are putting together a gala performance of a new film about war hero Frederick Zoller, at a cinema run by a Jewish woman who wants revenge for her families murder (obviously the Germans don't know the last bit, or if they did they're really thick). But what really gets the Nazi hunters attention is that the whole of the German high command will be there, including Adolf Hitler, making it the kind of target that could allow them to end the war with one fatal blow. Brad Pitt and his men join forces with a famous German actress who attempts to smuggle them into the cinema, ready to deal death to the Nazis. I don't want to spoil the plot, but imagine if a 10 year old had sneaked into the gala premier, saw Pvt Zoller killing loads of allies, freaked out, went mental, let go of her duck and it started flapping through all the German dignitaries? They would cancel the movie and the Germans would have all gone home and the special forces team couldn't have killed them all and ended the war. All because some 10 year old film reviewer couldn't handle real life. Brilliant. Nice one Emily, you've just extended World War Two by another four years, which leads to countless deaths and human misery.

I don't mean to tell the BBC how to do their job, but do they want that sort of thing happening at the Cannes Film Festival, because their recruitment team thought a 10 year old could do an adults job? Of course not.

Luckily though, there were no 10 year old, duck-owning, wannabe film reviewers in the movie (clever move Quentin) making it a far more enjoyable experience for everyone involved. I think the film was well acted, funny and also brutally violent. Another tour-de-force from America's no 1, non-child-friendly film-maker.

Competition Update #2:

There's still a particularly small number of entries in the 'Win a Date with Neonsamurai' competition, which is possibly the most romantic competition ever devised. I expect this is down to the basic incompetence of those who are attempting to enter (I won't judge you harshly for that), so I have decided to post more basic guidelines for potential contestants. Please see here for a previous update.

6) The competition has now been opened to women who aren't dancers, models or actresses, although the requirement to be really attractive is still an important factor. You will need to provide proof of your beauty.

7) Upon entry to 'Chick n' Fish' please be aware that you are not to engage in conversation with Javier. He doesn't work there but he's always in the restaurant and I think he's a tramp, or an alcoholic or something. I spoke to him once and now he thinks we're friends, and we're certainly not.

8) If you've entered and successfully won the competition, you can' then request a picture of me and then email me back saying that you really don't want to be in the competition any more. Once you're in you're in and you have to come to Littlehampton and let me buy you a meal. It is not negotiable. Any future competitors must supply a full name and address so that I can come and get you.
Come on ladies, I'm sure that there were loads of you who felt left out because you weren't a dancer, model or actress who really wanted some free food and maybe some sex. If you enter before the end of March I'll even throw in your bus fare home.*


*Only for contestants living in the Middleton-on-Sea, Littlehampton or Worthing area.


Wednesday 3 March 2010

Yet another review IMDB couldn't handle

Years ago when people wanted to learn about the latest movies or check out latest industry buzz they'd visit IMDB, but times are changing and instead they're coming here, I presume. That's because unlike IMDB neonsamurai.kicks-ass.net isn't afraid to hit people with hardcore movie facts. It wasn't always that way though, it used to be that IMDB had some of the best reviews on the internet, but some of them they just couldn't handle. Here's one of them:

Neonsamurai's 'Time Machine' Review:

Guy Pearce shouldn't be allowed to use a time machine, because he wastes it. He's got this great toy. I mean scientific instrument, and he just wastes it on moping about his dead girlfriend and trying to save her life. Duh! You're such a spaz guy!

Luckily when I've finished my time machine I'll be travelling all over the place. But the first place I'm going is back to will be the last US election where George Bush beat Al Gore. That'll teach you George! That'll teach you for not answering my emails and not popping in to see me when you were in the UK last year. My mum had cooked fish fingers and chips for you and you didn't turn up! That's rude! Al Gore would have turned up! We even had arctic roll for pudding.

The other thing I'm doing when I go into the very far future is taking a gun with me. I'll probably steal a gun in 2177, probably like a pulse rifle from 'Aliens' or a phaser from 'Star Trek'. That way, when I arrive in 47,008 and some morlocks turn up and try to catch me I'll be like:

`BRAKKA! BRAKKA! BRAKKA! DOOO! DOOO! FWOOOSH! BOOOOOOM!'

But if they don't understand what I'm saying I'll just open fire. I'd then go back in time to when Famke Janssen was 23 and marry her and then head into the year 1066 and defeat the Norman invasion of England.

Then I'm going to beat up Mike Oldfield so that Richard Branson won't create Virgin Records and ultimately Virgin Airways, who made a fuss over nothing with my Koala. After that I'm going to steal a dragon form medieval England and then make it 'magically' appear during the shooting of 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'. THERE'S YOUR FREAKING DRAGON ANG! HOW'D YOU LIKE THAT?

`Oh! But you won't be able to travel back as they don't have electricity in the far future.' You might say, thinking you're scientific and clever, but the very fact that you've even opened you mouth has proved that you're an idiot!! My time machine will be coal powered! They have coal in both the future and the past.

In summary I'd say that Guy Pearce handles himself fairly well in the future, but needs to eat more.

Tuesday 2 March 2010

Review Review

Today I've decided to review a review done by another reviewer, as a kind of workshop for those of you thinking about becoming a professional reviewers like me. Picking one at random I decided to review one recently produced by Emily Stephenson for a recent competition in the Littlehampton Echo. Apparently she's some hot-shot new film critic who's as good as the BBC's premier film reviewer Jonathan Ross. Let's find out. Firstly here is the review in its entirety:

Fantastic Mr Fox Film Review by Emily Hopkins.

I really enjoyed Fantastic Mr. Fox because my daddy used to read me the book at night when I was in bed and I was really excited when it was made into a film. It's very different from the book, but really good and very funny because both daddy and I laughed a lot when we saw it at the cinema. My favourite character was Felicity Fox who kept telling Mr. Fox off for being so silly. I also liked the way that when the animals were arguing they would say 'cuss' rather than use naughty words. I will definitely ask for the DVD of the film for my birthday.

If I had to sum up Fantastic Mr. Fox in one word, it would be FANTASTIC!
Now let's take a closer look at this 'review' just to see if it's as good as the delusional staff of the echo think it is, starting with the title:

"Fantastic Mr Fox Film Review by Emily Hopkins."
Well duh? Who do you think wrote it Emily? Hitler? I also find that the title is the best place for the reviewer to set the tone for the rest of the critique, so if the film is rubbish why not use a play on words like 'Fantastic Mr. Arse', 'Spazmodic Mr. Fox', or even 'Spazmodic Mr. Arse'. That saves people reading the last paragraph instead.

"I really enjoyed Fantastic Mr. Fox because my daddy used to read me the book at night when I was in bed and I was really excited when it was made into a film."
Emily this is a film review not a book review, and nobody cares what goes on whilst you're in bed. Stick to reviewing the film. And what do you mean 'really excited when it was made into a film'? Where you skipping around gleefully at the idea that a book about a criminal fox and his lipstick-smeared hag-of-a-wife had been transferred to celluloid, or is that just something you used to make up the required number of words for a valid entry?

"It's very different from the book, but really good and very funny because both daddy and I laughed a lot when we saw it at the cinema."
Stick to reviewing the bloody movie, not the sodding book that nobody read. What's next? Are you going to start basing your film reviews on the toys you get in a McDonalds Happy Meal? "Oh. It was a good film, but nothing like the little plastic monkey with spinning arms I got with my McFlurry." You should know this! It's basic film-review knowledge! And what's your dad got to do with 'Fantastic Mr. Fox'? Stick to the film.

"My favourite character was Felicity Fox who kept telling Mr. Fox off for being so silly."
Felicity Fox was rubbish.

"I also liked the way that when the animals were arguing they would say 'cuss' rather than use naughty words."
What? naughty words like arse, bum, willy, tadger, knob, hooters, wah-wahs, winky and bottom juice? That's right Emily, I don't hold back with profanities, I tell it like it is and if the people can't handle it that's their problem. You play it safe and that's why you fail.

"I will definitely ask for the DVD of the film for my birthday."
YAWN. Bored already. Pretty lame review so far.

"If I had to sum up Fantastic Mr. Fox in one word, it would be FANTASTIC!"
Oh well done. What a clever way to end a review? Using a descriptive word used in the film's title to describe the film. But what what would you have done if there were no adjectives for you to use in the title? Oh what then Emily? I'll bet you'd just give up and go to play with 'Mr Quackles' or demand that your father reads you a story whilst you laze around like the Queen of Sheba. It's pretty obvious that you can only review certain types of films that tell you what to think in the title. Here's how I ended my review of 'Fantastic Mr. Fox' for the Littlehampton Echo:

"So in summary the kind of people who will probably like 'Fantastic Mr. Fox' are violent gypsies, or people who'd murder an old lady in her sleep then dress up in her clothes and then withdraw all her life savings and then spend it on drugs that they'd sell to primary school kids."
Which one are you Emily? Which one are you?