Thursday, 1 April 2010

Neonsamurai R.I.P.

Hello, it's Dave here.

I have some very sad news about Neon who was killed this morning when a bus driven by some moron from 'On the Go' who lost control and crashed it. Neon's last words were "please update the blog Dave so that people know what's happened. And also so that people stop letting those fascists drive buses around here." He also said some other things about self-sacrifice, which is typical of him putting others first, but I won't mention them as he's a very deep guy.

When the movie industry heard the news about what had happened lots of people were very sad and had this to say about England's premier film-reviewer:

"He was easily the best film reviewer I've ever read, and from what I heard was also a big hit with the ladies." Thomas Cruise.

"I'm afraid from this day onwards I will not be funny in any way as a mark of respect to one of the film-reviewing greats. If we'd met, we'd have been friends." Whoopee Goldberg.

"Oh that's so sad. I wish I'd got off my stupid arse and responded to his tweets and those letters he sent me, but I'm afraid I'm a complete idiot." Nicole Kidman.

"I'm no better than Kidman." Hugh Jackman.

I would also like to add on a personal level that...


HA! HA! HA! I'm not really dead, it was all a cleverly constructed rouse to make you think I was. But I'm not. I was actually pretending to be Dave so as to make an April Fool of YOU! Ha! Ha! Just because I'm a professional film reviewer, doesn't mean I can't occasionally shake things up and share a bit of a joke with my loyal readership. LET'S SEE YOU DO THAT WINKLEMAN.

Now whilst you found my joke there hilarious, you'll be surprised to learn that others don't share your sense of humour.
Even when I magnify the hilarity of 'April Fools Day' by doing it two days earlier, at the clinic. Do they, like you, clutch their sides and between loud guffaws and say "Oh Neon! You are a very funny prankster"? As hard as it is to believe, they do not. Not even a knowing wink or a wry smile. In fact, try to imagine the exact opposite response to hilarity and then you'll have an idea of just how Abigail responded.

Honestly, why do I bother? I even went to the expense of buying fake blood, and that stuff's not cheap.

Logically, if somebody was dishing out free hilarity (like Patch Adams) you'd think "hmm... This guy is bringing happiness to people, let's let him carry on". You definitely wouldn't assign two orderlies to accompany him everywhere he goes in the clinic, with special instructions that he has to use the toilets in the East wing as they are furthest from the women's wash rooms. Brilliant. No wonder somebody had to sedate Abigail.

I think the talented Robert Carlyle (Train Spotting) summed it up best when he said:

"No man who has once heartily and wholly laughed can be altogether irreclaimably bad."

Yet can I make Abigail laugh? To be honest, I doubt that even Whoopee Goldberg could make Abigail laugh, which if Robert's right, kind of makes her evil. I'm just saying what he's implying, but clearly there's something wrong with her.

Anyway, why not share my hilarious April Fool's joke with some of your friends? Or you could pretend to be a semi dressed corpse in the ladies toilets, and then get up and chase a woman into one of the cubicles whilst moaning like a zombie. But apparently that's NOT funny.

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