Monday, 7 June 2010

Love Hurts

Sorry for the lack of updates recently but apparently you can't use mobile phones in hospital. Why's that? Well it allegedly messes up hospital equipment. Who the hell designs equipment that can be 'messed up' by a mobile phone? I would have thought you'd have to go out of your way to make something that bad.
Scientist: "Well here's my new blood-pressure monitor. It works really well and is 100% accurate. But there's one little thing that might... No. That's not important."

Doctor: "This certainly looks like just the sort of thing we need in this hospital. But before I hand over this cheque for forty thousand pounds, what were you going to say?"

Scientist: "Only that if you use a mobile phone within 500 yards of it it kills the patient. With poison."

Doctor: "Good lord! How could it do that?"

Scientist: "If it detects mobile phone usage is shoots 40cc's of crayfish venom into the patients arm which paralyzes their heart. BOOM! They're dead before they even know it."

Doctor: "Why on earth did you design it to do that?"

Scientist: "I dunno. I got a bit bored."

Doctor: "Oh well. We'll buy it anyway. Here's your cheque."

That's insane isn't it? But why am I in hospital anyway? Could it be that I'm having an operation or something? No. I'm in hospital because apparently I'm a sexist. Ooh. Let's all call NeonSamurai a sexist because he wasn't invited to our meeting, to which men weren't invited because we're sexist.

Now I know that Hermione has got some well-paying jobs she keeps back for emergencies at the job centre, so I decided to try and get on her good side by turning up at this conference thing she'd organised and offering my support. Yes, I know that to a person with a normal brain that that's a really nice thing to do, and at the very least somebody who did something so selfless should at least be allowed some tea and biscuits (like all the other guests were allowed). But, no that's not the case, and then things get violent.

So the Saturday before last I hop on the bus all the way to sodding Chichester, which is a town that is of so little consequence that it should be bombed by the RAF. Only they wouldn't go there because it's of no consequence. I then head over to the community centre to take part in the 'Oppressed Women of the South of England and the Isle of Wight' meeting. Yeah, I know I'm not a woman, but as regular readers will be aware I am a very open-minded person and have a lot of respect for women.

But this mental tart at the front door won't let me in because I'm an oppressor. Me? An oppressor? I've never oppressed anyone in my life. Even the time I made my own dungeon room and brought all that rohypnol I didn't oppress anyone. Except that Avon lady who called for my mum, but that was only for a morning. Then Rufus ate all the rohypnol and then went on a very slow motion rampage through the house. That's when the Avon lady got loose. Christ. Those Avon women are nutjobs. If I ever have one call at my door again I'll make sure she doesn't get her hands on a frying pan. I had bruising for a month.

So I say to this woman on the door "if you hate oppressors (men) so much why do you look like one?" Which was a particularly clever thing for me to say as she did look just like a man, complete with a dodgy haircut, which was sort of half mullet, half flat-top. But instead of saying "touche" and letting me in this gaggle of crazy women gathers at the door and starts telling me to get lost or they'll call the police. Then Hermione shows up and goes ballistic.

Cut a long story short: I'm not allowed into this meeting. Well, they didn't reckon on me being in love, and as happens in rom coms people in love do crazy things, especially if they need a well paying job to fly their Russian lover into the country. So I decided to simply climb in through the window and surprise them all with an impassioned speech about love and how at the end of the day, we're all the same. Especially that woman who looks like a man. Good plan, except the toilet window I climbed through had a woman on the other side (the one time I didn't want there to be). And to make matters worse she was French, and had ZERO sense of humour. And she also had some (illegal) mace spray. If a man falls on you whilst you're on the toilet, is that really a good enough reason to use a whole can of mace in his eyes? In France, it is.

So this crazy woman is yelling "Viol! Viol!" and I can't see a thing, but luckily I manage to get out of the toilet PDQ and head for what I think is the main hall. I'm guessing it was during this disorientating time that my trousers somehow came off, which is the sort of thing that could happen to anyone. Then I realise I've reached the hall when I hear the screams. And they're not screams of joy. So it's time to start my impassioned speech and I start shouting "I'M GONNA SHOW YOU MY LOVE!", just before the first chair hit me. Luckily it was just one of those plastic stackable chairs, which didn't really hurt. But the fire extinguisher did and that's what the doctors think caused my concussion.

Next thing I know I'm in an ambulance with a police escort. Luckily Dr Chen was at the hospital when I arrived and straightened everything out.

I'm not sure what's going to happen when i go to the Job Centre tomorrow.

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