Monday, 4 October 2010

Neon Does 'Top Gear'

No, that's not street parlance for taking drugs, I'm referring to popular car review programme 'Top Gear'. In case you haven't seen it, Top Gear is a brilliant show where these guys just have a laugh driving cars, or doing zany or wacky things involving cars. Once, they drove through the Southern States of the USA with cars with logos on them saying "gay love rules OK"! How crazy is that?! But this isn't a review of a car review show (BUT SO WHAT IF IT IS JAVIER? IT'S MY BLOG AND I'LL REVIEW WHAT THE HELL I LIKE. MAYBE WHEN YOU'VE WRITTEN A SUCCESSFUL BLOG I'LL LISTEN. BUT YOU HAVEN'T SO SHUT UP), but merely a comparison as I'm also quite a zany guy.

For example, when I go to the local recycling centre the guys who work there shout "Look out! It's Stig of the dump!" To which I make car noises as if I'm driving really fast, and move my hands as if steering a car. It's this kind of in-joke that we have, since 'The Stig' is actually a mysterious driver who races cars on Top Gear. I can't actually drive a car though, insomuch as I had my license suspended after I drove past a nightclub and Rufus leapt out and attacked a bouncer. In my opinion this is no reason to revoke a person's driving license because a rabid koala attacked someone.

Well, I sort of threw him at the bouncer. But whilst being a bit unusual it's hardly a criminal act. Still, you do zany things when you're drunk.

Anyway, my review is just the sort of thing they'd do on Top Gear, because I did mine in the boot of a Ford Mondeo (old shape, not the new one), which is a pretty crazy thing to do. Actually if they do try reviewing cars from inside the boot on Top Gear then they've stolen my idea. And it's not the first time I've been locked in the boot of a car (or had my ideas stolen Tom Schulman
); Thames Valley Police used to do it whenever they found me at the scene of an 'incident'. It was a new policy apparently that only applied to me. That was just before the chief constable had his nervous breakdown.

Now as cars go I think that the Mondeo is an underrated vehicle. It has a sizeable boot, and comes in a variety of colours. Dave's dad used to drive one and said that it might not look like an Aston Martin, it handles well and was perfect for towing their caravan. Theirs was an estate car though, so the storage area at the rear of their car was different.

The Mondeo's boot is lined with a strange sort of fur, which is neither soft nor fluffy. I kind of imagine it's what Sean Connery's back must feel like, although I'm sure that doesn't smell of petrol like the Mondeo's boot does. Also, there were some old plastic bags, that people normally put fertiliser in. Obviously these aren't a standard feature in a Mondeo, and ultimately you're entitled to put whatever you like in the boot of your car.

So in summary I'd have to say that the old shape Ford Mondeo is a good car, with a NeonSamurai Kick-ass rating of 12.

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