Empire of My Arse

Will this waste of paper be any good? Read on to find out.

Thankfully I had a break from the monoteny involved in 'lying low' as Dave calls it when I went up to see him in Aylesbury this weekend. He's been away at his nan's house in Bristol for a week with his mum and dad, but that was a cover story as he was actually lying low as well, but from the Yakuza.

Apparently he went to Bristol Zoo and a kid somehow got into the gorilla enclosure. Everyone was freaking out and the zoo keepers (all girls) were too scared to go inside the enclosure because the male gorilla is very territorial and was going to kill the kid. So Dave jumped over the fence and stared down the gorilla, until it backed off and then got the kid out safely. This is because with gorillas you need to show them who is boss, and then they don't mess with you. Dave also got off with the zoo keepers who were really impressed by his bravery.

Now most reviewers of things would consider kidnapping a reason NOT to carry on providing reviews of things. I'm pretty sure Terry Waite sat around doing nothing for four years whilst in captivity, then wrote a book about it when he came out. But honestly, what would he have to write about? "Monday: Nothing happened. Tuesday: Nothing happened. Wednesday... etc." Imagine if Terry Waite had written a 'choose you own adventure' book based on his experiences. No matter what page you turned to, sod all would happen, well except for the last page which would read 'went home'. I, however, used the time of my captivity to read magazines with the intention of reviewing them later. Admittedly there were only two magazines to read; Empire Magazine and Heat.

As most regular readers will know, I'm an open-minded guy, so I thought I'd cast any previous misgivings about Empire Magazine employing poorly experienced disabled people scientists as reviewers rather than somebody whom to date has written nearly ONE HUNDRED reviews of things, aside. And done it for free (Paypal has thus far provided me with ZERO finances, even though I'm providing up to the minute reviews of all sorts of things. Can YOU find another review of 'Weapons of the Gulf War'? I doubt it because I'm pretty sure I'm the only one. And just because I haven't been paid doesn't make me an amateur film reviewer. I'm a professional. I used to work in a video shop for crying out loud. Did Claudia Winkleman ever work in a video shop? Erm... NO).

Neonsamurai's 'Empire Magazine' Review.

Just looking art the cover I knew that the magazine was going to be rubbish. It tries to stay current, advertising the latest films and previews, with big name interviews and behind-the-scenes specials, but let's be honest the shower of hacks they've got doing the reviews are living in the past. For a start they could all do with reading 'Neonsamurai's Guide to being a Reviewer', an excellent starting point for any 'would be' film reviewer.

Virtually every film that they review takes an almost polar opposite view of how good or bad a film is, when compared to those of neonsamurai.kicks-ass.net, and doesn't even mention Tim Lovejoys Football Heroes. Sure, I didn't like it either, but I acknowledge it (OH, BUT YOU CAN'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE A JOB APPLICATION CAN YOU EMPIRE?). It's almost as if the people responsible are of a completely different mindset to myself, or dullards as I like to call it. They even had preview of the latest Ang Lee film; 'The life of Pi', which goes something like this:

Based on the novel by Yann Martel, is an adventure story centering on Pi Patel, the precocious son of a zookeeper. Citizens of Pondicherry, India, the family decides to move to Canada, hitching a ride on a huge freighter. After a shipwreck, Pi is found adrift in the Pacific Ocean on a 26-foot lifeboat with a zebra, a hyena, an orangutan and a 450-pound Bengal tiger named Richard Parker, all fighting for survival.

You read that right. A 450-pound Bengal tiger named Richard Parker. I went to school with a kid call Richard Parker and he got stuck under one of the prefabricated huts because somebody told him there was a gold statue under it. Well I told him there was, but what was he doing listening to a 12 year old in the first place? Idiot. Turns out it was part of a Kit Kat wrapper that had somehow blown into the entrance to a badger warren that was under there. Besides, the fire brigade got there fairly quickly, and girls love a scar.

Anyway, Ang Lee's film sounds rubbish already. Quick question: What do you get if you put a child, a zebra, a hyena, a monkey and a tiger in a confined space? Answer: Bloody carnage. Oh but I bet Ang won't be showing that will he? Oh no. In fact judging by his previous films we won't even see 'Richard Parker' in the finished movie. To be honest, 'Richard Parker' sounds like some kind of euphemism for somebody having some kind of embarrassing medical complain.

Bystander 1: "Oooh. That bloke's just had a 'Richard Parker'."

Bystander 2: "Oh no. What all the way?"

Bystander 1: "Yeah. Right up."

Bystander 2: "Jesus."

That's how crap you films are Lee, if people start turning your characters into metaphors for bottom problems.

I'm too angry to carry on. This review is over.