Wednesday, 7 July 2010


I think that there must be something wrong with the internet, because I have had neither PayPal contributions nor any offers for my film script (WHAT YOU WERE OFFERING TO DO WITH IT WAS OBSCENE JAVIER).

However I am being pragmatic about this and am moving forward, plus doing some 'networking' as they call it in the biz. The 'biz' is what people who work in the movie industry call it, and networking is when you meet people and talk about your script and which actor is attached. At the moment I'm keeping it fairly low-key as I think FRWLAG is kind of an art house film.

I've handed out some of my scripts to some local people who are quite influential; Dave, Dr Chen, Dr Hinds, Grigore from Chick 'n Fish, Charlie and Abigail (OH WHAT'S THAT JAVIER? NO SCRIPT FOR YOU? WELL I GUESS YOU'RE NOT INFLUENTIAL THEN ARE YOU?). Well I say I Abigail, I tried to give a copy to Abigail, but can you guess what happened? Yes, she went mental again. If a woman can't interact with a normal member of society, without going nutzoid then maybe (just maybe) she needs to be locked up. I don't mean that to be harsh but clearly that's going to be best for everyone.

Imagine somebody wanted to give you something that is free but might be worth millions (e.g. Christs birth certificate or my script). Would you hide from them and sit with the orderlies, refusing to even look at them, or say "wow thanks Neonsamurai, great script" and maybe tell your friends? Logically you'd do the later, but not Abigail. In fact, she became so illusive I had to employ tactics used by some famous script writers. I don't mean anything as naff as posting it to them, but things like putting it in a pizza box and having it delivered to the directors office, or paying a woman with big breasts to wear a T shirt printed with page 1 of your script arrive on set and make advances at the producer.

Now obviously I don't have loads of money, so I just jumped out of the supplies cupboard and threw it at her shouting "Read it! READ IT!!". One free script (and a free folder she could keep, which I'd found lying around) for her to read. You'd think she'd be grateful. Oh no. Oh no Abigail is not grateful AT ALL.

In fact so ungrateful is Abigail that the orderlies not only subdue me but they have to sedate her as well. Which turns out to be an absolute farce. Normally I have the highest respect for the clinic and the persons employed there, even Dr Hinds, who now just stares at me in silence for forty minutes during our sessions, occasionally having that nervous tick she's developed, before telling me to come back until next week, under any circumstances. But it turns out that they've mislaid the folder containing Abigail's notes and end up giving her the wrong sort of tranquilizer.

Tranquilizer's tranquilizer right? WRONG. Abigail goes 'Hulk' on the orderlies and runs out of the clinic, dragging one of them behind her, who's valiantly trying to restrain the woman's drug fueled rampage. So I try and help by shouting "Take her down! Lethal force! LETHAL FORCE!" when two orderlies charge out of the staff room, probably trying to ambush her. Bad move. She clotheslines' one of them and backhands the other shouting "I am a Ghostbuster! I AIN'T 'FRAID OF NO GHOST!"

To her credit Abigail made it as far as Budgens before she passed out.

However, all of this did give me the opportunity to visit Dr Chen and give him my script. He wasn't particularly interested though, but it is my first draft. Maybe when I've got a few big names attached to it he'll come around to the idea. I'll also add some Chinamen as well. He's bound to like that.

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