WTF (x3)?!?!?!?!

Neonsamurai's 'A Fish Called Wanda' review:

Who makes decisions at the BBC? Is it:

a) A board of experts who carefully consider every option.

Or

b) A spaz.

Here's a clue, it's not 'a' and they've probably got stuck in a telephone box this morning. How do I know this (not the telephone box bit, that's just a theory)? Well I'll show you how I know this right here.

Claudia Winkleman has been confirmed as the surprise choice to replace Jonathan Ross on Film 2010.

What? Winkleman? Why? Why choose Winkleman? Oh I know, I'll go check out some her previous film reviews... Oh wait a minute... That's not possible because SHE'S NOT DONE ANY. Whereas I've done OVER 70. This is beyond a debacle. Why on earth would anyone, even someone who is a spaz, choose a non-reviewer with zero experience to helm 'Film 2010'? That duck-obsessed hack Emily Stephenson has more film review experience than Winkleman and even then it's been universally agreed that her review of 'Fantastic Mr. Fox' was rubbish. But let's see what Winkleman has to say for herself:

"I am completely over the moon about being given this enormous
honour and am incredibly proud to be presenting the new look Film 2010. It's an
honour to follow on from the brilliant Jonathan Ross."

Oh of course you're proud and 'over the moon' to be presenting 'Film 2010', and I'm sure I would be the same if I was chosen to host 'Strictly Come Dancing', but I'd also be bloody amazed that they'd chosen me FOR NO APPARENT REASON. Also because I allegedly 'stalked' two of the contestants. Did you even write to the BBC for the job Winkleman? I did and I didn't even get a sodding response. No "we're sorry Neonsamurai, but although you're perfect for the job we're giving it to Winkleman, for no apparent reason", or "no you can't present 'Film 2010' but we'll let you do 'How to Look Good Naked' instead".

Oh and if Ross is so brilliant, how come he never responds to my tweets?

Seeing as the spaz who made this decision made zero effort to research myself, (or I suspect any other film reviewer other than Winkleman, who isn't a film reviewer) I thought I'd post some of the feedback I've had over the years about my film reviews:

"I'm glad the RSPCA had you arrested." Lynlyn81

"You missed the whole point of the film." W4rr10r

"I demand you remove it from the internet at once!" Derek Palmers

"If you email me again I will notify Blogger." JenDZR

"UR mazziv ghey!!!!!!!!!!!!!" BAUER91

Face it, it's a sad day for film reviews everywhere when the person at the helm of the world's greatest film review show knows nothing about films, actors, producing, key grip and all that other stuff they have to do to make a film.

Dave's Movie Buzz - Alien Prequel Special

Daves Movie Buzz - Alien Prequel Special

Alright? Daves heer with more Movie Buzz. This week Ive been speaking with the yakuza, who are like the Chinese version of the Mafia, and because a lot of movie business takes place in resterants they sort of listen in and then act on it. Apparently Wrigley Scott had a some sweet and sower chicken balls and some egg-fried rice in the Lotus Garden in Burnley and said some stuff about the new Alien film.

Alien Prequel Set Space: Rather than set it on earth the Alien prequel will take place in space, like on a planet or something. Maybe a spaceship.

More Comedy and Fun: After the dull and boring ones set on a prison planet, Wrigley reckons he 'll make it more of a comedy and take the series in a new direction, like Cameron did with Aliens. "If you think about it an alien coming out of a mans tummy is quite funny. Like in Spaceballs or something." said Wrigley.

Sigurney Weaver Not in It: Weaver won't be in the prequel because she'll be too old to be a yonger one of herself. "If we'd made the prequel before we made Alien" said Wrigley "Then we could have made her look younger with make up. But she's like 70 or something now, so it's impossible."

Cast Will be all Midgets: Because the aliens in the prequel are going to be much bigger than before they need smaller actors to play the space marines. "Weve got the cast of TimeBandits playing the army." If its a comedy then it makes sense as loads of people find midgets funny.

Theme Song by Lilly Allen: Popular singer Lilly Allen will do a song for the movie called 'Chest Burster'. Last week Lilly Allen was in this pub and this bloke was hassling her so this geezer decked him. Shut him right up. Then he got off with Lilly.

That's all the stuff the yakuza told me abowt the Alien Prequel. The yakuza often kill people with venom from jellyfish. Just so you know.

Gulf War

You know who women can't get enough of?

Hugh Grant.

Why's he so special? It's not like he's Steven Segal or Chuck Norris who can both seriously kick ass. It just seems to me that Grant doesn't bring that much to the table. Other than perhaps the fact that he's English, which women seem to love. I'm English and it doesn't work for me.

I'll bet if a woman came home and found Hugh Grant in her house she'd be over-the-moon, but in a similar situation involving myself they call the police. Why? I'm not sure exactly what the 'special something' that Grant seemingly has that I don't is, but evidently it's important enough that he doesn't have to spend 36 hours in police custody. Apart from that time with the prostitute of course.

I think that the main problem is that most women in the UK are mental. Not as mental as Abigail (who is back at the clinic and just weeping all the sodding time) but maybe 60% wrong-in-the-head. Imagine you're a woman and you're looking for a man, logically you'd choose the one who liked the same things that you did (your underwear, getting naked, watching people, movies, etc). Does Hugh Grant like any of those things? I'd imagine he probably doesn't and yet women persist in liking him. I see nothing special about him ergo: women are psychotic.

As if to underline this fact with a big, thick permanent marker there has to date only been 1 (non-valid) entry in the heavily publicised 'Win a Date with Neonsamurai' competition, which includes free food and maybe bus fare (depending on location).

WOMEN: ARE YOU MENTAL? PROVE YOU'RE NOT BY ENTERING MY COMPETITION FOR SEX

Neonsamurai's 'Weapons of the Gulf War' Review:

Using a currently untapped goldmine of successful and (mostly) unheard of films from popular high street eBay precursor Scope, I have obtained a film not about people, but weapons. Whilst this may sound 'cute' like 'Toy Story' it's certainly not, giving you hard facts about the hardware that was used in the first Gulf conflict. Also it's just the ones the Americans used.

Really, they just talk about guns, planes, bombs, tank and battleships. It's alright. Not much of a storyline, except how the Americans won.

No Oscars for this one either. It's too much like 'Tim Lovejoy's Football Heroes', except without Tim Lovejoy (who's very talented) which counts against it.

No More Heroes Anymore

Neonsamurai's 'Tim Lovejoy's Football Heroes' Review:

Well this wasn't what I'd expected. I enjoyed 'Shaolin Soccer' and thought that this was more of the same. It's not. It's just Tim Lovejoy interviewing some pensioners and showing lots of stock footage of boring football matches. Sure, it only cost me 99p from Scope, but I was at least hoping for some kung fu action or some back-flips. If Tim Lovejoy had lunged across the room and chopped Jimmy Greaves across the throat I might have enjoyed it.

Lovejoy: "I've got one last question Greavesie and that's... HIYAAAAAH!"

Greaves: "URK!... GACK!... Windpipe..."

But he didn't.

Now normally this sort of thing would make me VERY angry, because to me a 'hero' is somebody who uses violence to beat somebody up who basically deserves it. But I decided to look up the word 'hero' just to see if there are any other uses for it. Here's what I found:

1. a man distinguished by exceptional courage, nobility, fortitude, etc.

2. a man who is idealized for possessing superior qualities in any field

3. (Myth & Legend / Classical Myth & Legend) Classical myth a being of extraordinary strength and courage, often the offspring of a mortal and a god, who is celebrated for his exploits

4. the principal male character in a novel, play, etc.

Notice how I have highlighted point number 2. A man who possesses superior qualities in any field. So I guess that Tim Lovejoy is correct and that these men who were really good at football can technically be called 'heroes'. But then I'm one of the best film reviewers around (probably best in England, for sure) so I guess that would make ME a hero. A film review hero.

I'm also sort of the principle male character on this blog, so it sort of counts twice.

Anyway I'm not going to give 'Tim Lovejoy's Football Heroes' an oscar, because it's not very good, and the storyline is weak.

Besides, since I got my new DVD player I've got better things to be doing than Writing DVD reviews.

Dave's Movie Buzz

Dave's Movie Buzz 210310

I know people in the industry. Not actors or ponces like that but mafia guys who aren't afraid to silence peeple who mess with them.

Jet Lee Bruce Lees Son: They did some DNA tests and stuff on Jet Lee and it turns out hes Bruce Lees son, which is why they reckon he so good at karate. When they told him he said something like "It is great honowr to be son of Bruce lee". Hes also vowed to avenge his dads death.

Sting Beaten up in Pub: Sting was getting all gobby in the Bricklayers Arms pub in Aylesbury and tryin it on with these girls who werent interested. So this bloke says "leave it Sting, if you know whats good for you" and Sting said "bodyguards, get him!" So this bloke who was ex-special forces beat up three bodyguards and then knocked Sting out with one punch. Pow! When Sting woke up he started blubbing and legged it. The girls where really thankful to the guy, whois name I can't mention. Obviously Sting will deny any of this happened.

Hollywood to Make Michael Jackson Biopic: They reckon the buget will be about 300 million and Jackson will be played by 3 actors. Will Smith's son, Will Smith and then Eric Bana. Apparently, the story will be about his life and how he went mental.

Zulu Remake Starring Jamie Fox: The remake will be about how a squad of African American soldiers who make up a special forces unit got parachuted into Kenya to stop a rogue British Army Commander from blowing up a peaceful town of Zulus. Jamie Fox stars as Captain Jackson Shaft, as wisecracking but respected officer who has to deal with racism and also killing loads of people. Its being produced by Mel Gibson.

Thats it for this weeks movie buzz. If anyones got any idea for what I could right about next week let me know as I'm runing out of ideas.

Yes Master Chen

Dr Hinds at the clinic has been getting more and more angry of late, so I've been trying to cheer her up by playing a few practical jokes. I'm pretty sure that anyone else would at least laugh at this sort of thing, but she's actually getting angrier.

Question: You're a doctor and you've got a depressed patient who just seems to cry all the bloody time. She turns up every week and just cries and cries, won't talk to one of the other patients who 'frightens' her and has delusional fears about ghosts. Clearly whatever you're doing isn't working, or there should at least have been some change by now, so you need to take action fast in order to cheer up Abigail and stop her getting sectioned. What would logically be the best course of action?

Answer: A man leaps out from the cupboard in your office shouting "BOO!" That's funny right? It's ironic. Abigail is afraid of ghosts so I pretend I'm a ghost and we all have a laugh, because ghosts aren't real. Surely cheering up a patient would make Hinds happy.

No. Apparently it doesn't.

And now Abigail has been sectioned, probably because Hinds sat around talking, rather than taking any action. But mostly because Abigail is convinced that men are now hiding all over the country waiting to attack her. As if. The woman's mental.

So what does Hinds do? She refers me back to Dr Chen. Now I don't mind this too much, except that I have to travel to Worthing once a week (longer journey means less time for film reviews), and the magazines at Chen's practice are mostly about homes, gardens and women's issues. At least Hinds had some old copies of 'What Car?' I could read, and a 'Twinkle' annual from 1982.

But I don't mind because I like to pretend Dr Chen is like 'Mr Miyagi' from the 'Karate Kid' and full of ancient wisdom and knowledge. I'm always polite and calm with Dr Chen (except that time somebody left a 'Peanuts' comic in reception and those orderlies had to restrain me), and nod respectfully at what he has to say:

Dr. Chen: "XXX, have you stopped taking your medication?"

Me: "Aah. Before a man can stop he must at first begin."

Dr. Chen: "So that's a 'no' then."

But mostly it's about him asking if I think I'm properly dressed to be out in public. However, yesterday I met with Chen for the first time in months and he asked if I'd mind if a few more specialists came along to assess my condition. Apparently I've got so many 'issues' that technically I should be insane. Erm... Would an 'insane' person have their own blog with 4 followers and be in the running to present Film 2010? I think not.

Neonsamurai: 1

Medical Science: 0

I'll take my phone with me this afternoon and keep you all updated on what these 'experts' think.

If you're going to rip me off, do it properly

"Hmm... I think I'll become a reviewer, even though I don't know the first thing about it."
"And I'm mental."

What the hell is this about?

NeonReviews

"-personal reviews of just about anything"

Who does this guy think he is? NeonReviews? My name's Neon and I review things! This guy's some kind of copycat imposter! Let me show you what 'Mr Imposter' probably percieved circa November 2003:

"Hmm... What an insightful and revealing review of 'Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring' I have just read on IMDB. Although I have never done any film-critic work before I think it looks really easy, therefore I shall create my own website and review things. And I'll name it NeonReviews, because I have no imagination."

If reviewing films was easy IMDB would be crammed full of peoples self-opinionated nonsense. And although I am slightly flattered that he's named his site after me I cannot abide dishonesty or amateurish reviews (YOU PAYING ATTENTION EMILY?). For those of you thinking about becoming film reviewers here's a set of guidelines I suggest you stick to:

1) Is whatever you're reviewing worth reviewing before you review it? This is important. Everyone knows that romantic comedies are rubbish; predictable script, little or no nudity, rarely any explosions and ultimately the woman marries a non-violent man without any emotional instabilities. Boring. So why waste your time watching it? Answer: Don't. Simply look at the DVD box, make a note of some of the actors or characters names and then just write something like 'a lacklustre film with no boobage'. Using this this system I was able to review all six series of 'Sex and the City' in less than ten minutes. It was a 'rubbish, lacklustre series with no boobage'.

2) You can't make an omelette without kicking-ass. Sure, the 'LOTR' trilogy was rubbish and probably a massive flop, but it could have run on for at least another three or four films, much like the 'Police Academy' movies. Luckily I stood up to those big-city movie types and told it like it was, not only exposing the films flaws, but also what was wrong with Jackson's face. Did they make any sequels? Duh? No. Bruce Lee used to always try and punch two inches beyond his opponents face, to do maximum damage (Dave punches 2 feet beyond his opponents faces). That's what you should do metaphorically with a film review, aim beyond what you're trying to do for maximum effect. Let's say you're reviewing a film by (picking a name at random) Ang Lee. It's rubbish and really he should just give up film making, why not go beyond insulting him and start ridiculing his family? If you don't he will continue making films.

3) Don't be afraid to be a maverick. What do all these people have in common; Lt Christopher Blair, Lt Pete Mitchell and Bret Maverick. Answer they were all mavericks who lived by their own rules and slept with lots of women. And two of them were pilots. Most reviewers fall waaaay short of this impressive milestone, which is why nobody reads their stuff. I on the other hand don't play by 'their' rules. And by 'their' I mean the film industry with their various regulations concerning trespassing and a forms of indecent exposure. Boo hoo Hollywood. Rules are made to be broken, and I'm a rule-breaking sledgehammer of a film-reviewer. Deal with it.

4) Never admit you're wrong. Let's say that you went to see a film that you thought was a black and white silent movie because some googly-eyed girl you met on line liked that sort of thing, only to find out it was a visceral horror movie. So scary in fact that the police canine unit turned up and you had to escape via the toilet window (a very good escape route). Now some people might email you saying 'it's the most famous horror film of the 90's you moron' and 'a decent film reviewer would have known what it was about'. But only a third-rate movie critic would concede. A decent one would write a very aggressive letter to Ridley Scott demanding he change the name of the film to something like 'Scary Hannibal Eats Faces' or 'Not a Silent Film with No Lambs'.

Hopefully if any of you are thinking about writing a film review then you can take all of this into consideration. It'll completely change the way people perceive film reviews.

Dave's Movie Buzz 150310

Dave has sent this weeks 'movie buzz' to me via text, so I'm having to guess at what some of it is supposed to mean, partly because he never switches off his predictive text. Dave was originally going to be the lead racing driver for the 'Arrows' team, but since he has to give 6 weeks notice at the bus station they gave the job to Damon Hill instead. All information here is genuine because it came from the mouths of criminals.

Dave's Movie Buzz.

Jason Stepney making Train Spotter 4: I'm pretty sure there's no film-star called 'Jason Stepney', but I'm not about to question anything Dave tells me. Neither am I familiar with the 'Train Spotter' film series, but if they're making number 4 then it must be very popular with train fans.

Corrie Actors Dead: The whole cast of 'Coronation Street' died from a drug overdose. Doesn't surprise me. Actors are always getting drunk and taking drugs. Besides, 'Coronation Street' is rubbish.

Linday Lohan kills tramp: I'm assuming this is what Dave meant. It wasn't very clear in his text, but I suppose it's plausible. Many film stars are so rich and powerful that they can pretty much do what they want. Dave once told me that Paul McCartney was going to pay him £20,000 if he'd let his late wife chase him through the streets of Bedford, armed with a sniper rifle. Kind of like an urban fox hunt, but with a man as the quarry. However, when MCartney found out that Dave was ex-special forces he reneged on the deal. He was worried that the hunted might become the hunter.

Tom Crude lank tub 4U in move knife + dank U twit Alan Monday: I've no idea what this was about so I just posted exactly what Dave's text said.

Hopefully there'll be some more of Dave's Movie Buzz next week, providing Dave doesn't get really drunk again and start wanting to play cowboys.

Back with a vengeance

I don't know what the hell that 'Project Drunk' stuff is about. I'm pretty sure none of that actually happened. I think someone might have hacked the account, so I've changed the password, just to be sure.

We were supposed to be going to the Windmill Cinema this Saturday to watch 'Precious' because Dave is a big 'Lord of the Rings' fan and said it was a prequel about Gollum, but I felt like a really fat person sat on my brain. So instead we stayed in and played Super Smash brothers on Dave's Wii until Luigi started to make me really angry. Then Dave's mum came to pick him up so we didn't have time to review any films, and Dave 'couldn't be arsed' to write a 'Movie Buzz'.

"Hmm... No DVD player, banned from Blackbusters and his friend failed to deliver up-to-the-minute movie news. Well I guess that's the end of 'NeonSamurai's Movie Review Blog."

WRONG

Any other, less committed movie reviewer, who still lived with her parents and couldn't have got absolutely wasted on Friday night because they don't server children Bacardi Breezers would probably have given up by now. You know, start crying and generally freaking out as children so often do. But I'm not Emily Stephenson so I managed turn a defeat into a victory. Check this out:


How much do you think that cost me? £50? £100? £500? Wrong, wrong and double wrong. It cost me NOTHING.

I've got some contacts at the Recycling Centre who always wave and laugh and generally muck about with me. They've even got a nick-name for me. "Oi! Oi! It's Stig!" they shout and I make car noises and pretend to drive around (like them I'm a massive 'Top Gear' fan). We've been friends ever since I fell into the cardboard recycling skip and got my arm stuck in the bottle bank. One of the in-jokes we share is that one of them has to follow me around the site in case I try to climb in the compactor again (which was part of a joke I was doing about Superman), and this week it was Roger. He always wants to know what I've been up to and no matter what I say he thinks it's really funny, especially what I got up to on Saturday night.

Anyway, one thing lead to another and I told Roger that my DVD player was broken and Roger gave me a little wink and said "Stig, I reckon we can sort something out for you." Five minutes later Roger had presented me this RCA DVD player for me for FREE. No-one's ever given me anything before.

"Oh but Neon, how will you manage to obtain DVD's without a Blackbuster account?" Is what a thick person reading my blog would ask.

Well I guess you're so thick you've never heard of Scope before. Basically they're where people used to get second hand tat before the invention of eBay. But they also stock an extensive range of DVD's and videos. For less than £5 I got ' A Fish Called Wanda', 'Weapons of the Gulf War' and 'Tim Lovejoy's Football Heroes', all on DVD (reviews pending) and I don't have to take them back in a few days. They're mine to keep forever. Better watch out Blackbusters, looks like your days are numbered.

And as for movie buzz, well Dave text'd me some movie facts which I'll post later.

THAT'S RIGHT WE'RE BACK!

pROJECT dRUNKL

mEAND dAVE ARE absoluetly wasted! LOL!!! We are so drunk and We thought it wou,ld be a really funny idea to do a reciew of a filnm when drunk to seeee uif our views changed on it. We're going to wsatvh 'Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrwells' , wihch we've seen loads of time berfore. It's go ing to be hilarkious!





NEol iis blender


LOL!!! No dave is a 'be nder'!

WE're pisssssssssssssssssedf!

LOL!!! Daves is soo drunk he can't walk !!!!

BROKEBAKL MOUTAIN!!!!!!!!!!!

IS Rubbisj!!!!!


I wannnnt cock



????????????!!

Cockcola

LOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! No MORE BEER!!!!

nO MOR BEER?

More beer! We're drinking stella.

stellaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Dave, do some movie buzzz!

Movee buzxz' Neol like willie up battam.

LOL!!! No I d0on't! And it's NEON.

Your my best frenmd.

lol gaylord!


LOL!!! Daves' pretending to kiss me! Nooo stop!

llelelellololloloolololololool!kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkklLL LFGl