Thursday, 13 May 2010

Kick Ass? More like 'Nothing to do with my website' Ass.

Nope. That's not me.

Natalia hasn't been online for a few days now so I decided to post my review of 'Kick Ass', which I watched with Dave back in April. I warn you now it's not what I'd expected and I feel very let down by the movie. I also want to reiterate to any women out there that the competition to win a date with NeonSamurai is now over and you lost. If you wind up alone, surrounded by dozens of cats wondering why you're single don't come crying to me, because I'll be too busy having sex with a real woman who looks like a blonde Angelina Jolie. Although she has said she'll have a threesome with another woman if I want, so maybe contact me and I'll see what I can arrange. Obviously subject to what you look like.

Neonsamurai's 'Kick Ass' Review:

Did anybody else notice that within months of me getting a web address called a superhero movie gets rushed into our cinemas? Is it a co-incidence? Well being the open-minded guy that I am I thought I that somebody had finally read my blog and IMDB reviews and though "this guy sounds awesome. Let's make a movie about him."

And why shouldn't they? They make movies about that smug bastard John Nash, who sits in his huge mansion chuckling about how clever he is and how he knows the secret to having sex with women. Ooh good for you Nash. Ooh we're all so happy you won a nobel prize and get to sleep with Jennifer Connelly, whenever and however you sodding want to. I've NEVER had sex with Jennifer Connelly or a woman who looks like Jennifer Connelly. I once nearly had sex with a woman who looked a bit like Sloth from 'Goonies', but a police canine unit showed up and I had to run for it.

So I go to watch 'Kick Ass' without any preconceived ideas about how they're going to portray me. Well firstly they'd changed my name, and made me American, but I've seen 'High Fidelity' and I know that they've probably done this to appeal to the American market, so I let it slide. 'I' wear glasses (good, well done) and although they've increase my number of friends by approximately 100% one of them sort of looks like Dave, but slimmer, and without his AC/DC T shirts or his beard. He drinks coffee (LIKE I USED TO UNTIL COSTA 'MUST BE FULLY DRESSED' COFFEE DECIDED TO BAN ME), researches womens bodies online and hasn't got a girlfriend.

But the rest of it is all nonsense. I've never fought crime as a superhero, there are no film reviews, no koalas, RSPCA interventions, mentions of my blog, emergency marsupial-related forced-landings, hunt sabotage, witness relocation programs, milk float kamikaze runs and that dick Javier trying to borrow money off me (I'M UNEMPLOYED JAVIER YOU SPAZ! JUST LIKE YOU ARE!)

I mean have they even read any of my stuff? It's almost like the producers, directors and writers were completely oblivious to any of my work. Now let's be honest, if you're going to try and make an autobiographical film then reading up on your subject is the absolute minimum research you should be doing. But, no, they practically make the whole thing up.

That's fine if you're making a film like 'The Patriot', but if it's meant to be based on a contemporary character (i.e. me) then you must do research. Have I ever fought crime dressed in a green costume (which is actually the whole point of the movie)? Erm... No! Although I have considered it.

So in summary don't go and watch the Neonsamurai autobiographical movie 'Kick Ass' because it's not about me.


  1. Still on about the Patriot. When will you accept that Mel Gibson is right and that the British are evil. Not as evil as the other lot that Mel likes to bang on to the cops about after a couple of tounge looseners granted but still decidedly evil.

  2. Well 'John' you know why I've got a problem with Gibson? Because he just can't let anything go. So the English might have maybe, bean a little bit mean to the Scottish at some point over something minor. Big deal. Have you ever eaten haggis? I haven't but it sounds horrid. Mel completely forgot to mention that in 'Braveheart' didn't he? Maybe Gibson could make a film where PETA launch a napalm strike on Glasgow for crimes against animals, and food?

    Of course I joke. It's Gibson, he'll just change history so it was the English who invented haggis and how some plucky 14 year old PETA agents blew up MI5, who were trying to make a mutant sheep to destroy Scotland.

    That's insane! Name one thing 'evil' that the English have done? Aside from 'Spiceworld: The Movie', I'm coming up with a blank here...

    So in summary:

    English = Goodness, honesty and Justice

    Gibson, = Spaz