Monday, 15 March 2010

If you're going to rip me off, do it properly

"Hmm... I think I'll become a reviewer, even though I don't know the first thing about it."
"And I'm mental."

What the hell is this about?


"-personal reviews of just about anything"

Who does this guy think he is? NeonReviews? My name's Neon and I review things! This guy's some kind of copycat imposter! Let me show you what 'Mr Imposter' probably percieved circa November 2003:

"Hmm... What an insightful and revealing review of 'Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring' I have just read on IMDB. Although I have never done any film-critic work before I think it looks really easy, therefore I shall create my own website and review things. And I'll name it NeonReviews, because I have no imagination."

If reviewing films was easy IMDB would be crammed full of peoples self-opinionated nonsense. And although I am slightly flattered that he's named his site after me I cannot abide dishonesty or amateurish reviews (YOU PAYING ATTENTION EMILY?). For those of you thinking about becoming film reviewers here's a set of guidelines I suggest you stick to:

1) Is whatever you're reviewing worth reviewing before you review it? This is important. Everyone knows that romantic comedies are rubbish; predictable script, little or no nudity, rarely any explosions and ultimately the woman marries a non-violent man without any emotional instabilities. Boring. So why waste your time watching it? Answer: Don't. Simply look at the DVD box, make a note of some of the actors or characters names and then just write something like 'a lacklustre film with no boobage'. Using this this system I was able to review all six series of 'Sex and the City' in less than ten minutes. It was a 'rubbish, lacklustre series with no boobage'.

2) You can't make an omelette without kicking-ass. Sure, the 'LOTR' trilogy was rubbish and probably a massive flop, but it could have run on for at least another three or four films, much like the 'Police Academy' movies. Luckily I stood up to those big-city movie types and told it like it was, not only exposing the films flaws, but also what was wrong with Jackson's face. Did they make any sequels? Duh? No. Bruce Lee used to always try and punch two inches beyond his opponents face, to do maximum damage (Dave punches 2 feet beyond his opponents faces). That's what you should do metaphorically with a film review, aim beyond what you're trying to do for maximum effect. Let's say you're reviewing a film by (picking a name at random) Ang Lee. It's rubbish and really he should just give up film making, why not go beyond insulting him and start ridiculing his family? If you don't he will continue making films.

3) Don't be afraid to be a maverick. What do all these people have in common; Lt Christopher Blair, Lt Pete Mitchell and Bret Maverick. Answer they were all mavericks who lived by their own rules and slept with lots of women. And two of them were pilots. Most reviewers fall waaaay short of this impressive milestone, which is why nobody reads their stuff. I on the other hand don't play by 'their' rules. And by 'their' I mean the film industry with their various regulations concerning trespassing and a forms of indecent exposure. Boo hoo Hollywood. Rules are made to be broken, and I'm a rule-breaking sledgehammer of a film-reviewer. Deal with it.

4) Never admit you're wrong. Let's say that you went to see a film that you thought was a black and white silent movie because some googly-eyed girl you met on line liked that sort of thing, only to find out it was a visceral horror movie. So scary in fact that the police canine unit turned up and you had to escape via the toilet window (a very good escape route). Now some people might email you saying 'it's the most famous horror film of the 90's you moron' and 'a decent film reviewer would have known what it was about'. But only a third-rate movie critic would concede. A decent one would write a very aggressive letter to Ridley Scott demanding he change the name of the film to something like 'Scary Hannibal Eats Faces' or 'Not a Silent Film with No Lambs'.

Hopefully if any of you are thinking about writing a film review then you can take all of this into consideration. It'll completely change the way people perceive film reviews.

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