Monday, 25 January 2010


Neonsamurai's 'Speed' Review:

Firstly DON'T GO AND WATCH 'DISTRICT 9'. I just found out it was produced by Peter 'Look! It's Jesus' Jackson. Just thinking about him makes me angry. Suffice to say that makes 'District 9' rubbish. Don't ask, it just does.

Also whilst I'm complaining the number 47 buses to Worthing are staffed by Nazi's. The first Nazi (who wouldn't give me his name) wouldn't let me on board yesterday due to 'strict hygiene rules' and tried to close the doors. Luckily I got my head caught in them and shouted ”What if I needed to go to hospital eh? What then?” The Nazi simply shrugged and said “Call an ambulance?” Oh right. Brilliant idea. But HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT WHEN I DON'T HAVE A PHONE?!?! After he drove off I immediately called the bus company on my mobile to complain, but the woman on at the other end recognised my voice and hung up. She wouldn't do that if I was calling for an ambulance would she? Well, they used to back in Aylesbury when I called 999. I later found out that they had my number on file and called it a ' Code Brown' when I rang up.

Coincidentally the film I decided to review today is every bus driver's favourite film 'Speed' starring Keanu Reeves. Luckily I'm an open minded guy and won't let my personal view of the drivers of the number 47's who actually accelerated when they saw me waving my arms and trying to get them to stop in any way adversely effect the review of this film. The film is about a bus that has to go above a certain speed otherwise it explodes, because this guy who also thinks that bus drivers are dullards has put a bomb on it.

Basically people who like this film are retards. Not all of them admittedly, just those who drive buses. In fact, in the film the bus driver doesn't even drive the bus, Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock do, and for my money they make better drivers than any employee of the 'On the Go' bus company I've ever met. Imagine, for example, that you are a bus driver and you see somebody lying in the road. Logically you would gradually slow down the vehicle and then open the bus doors to see if the person was all right and then ask if they needed a lift to Worthing, regardless of any strange odours you may become aware of. But 'On the Go' drivers seem to have had an entirely different safety briefing though, whereby rather than a gradual slowing they simply slam on the breaks at the last minute, veer across the road, mount the pavement and hit the library. Then rather than check the well-being of the man who was lying in the road, come charging out of the cab swearing at him as he sprints off towards the Co-Op.

All I can say is thank goodness that Keanu was there to save the day otherwise I reckon all of the bus passengers would have been blown up. At one point Keanu actually goes underneath a moving bus to try and diffuse the bomb. I wonder if any of the 'On the Go' staff have ever done that? Somehow I doubt it.

You know why this was such a good film? Because there are hardly any bus drivers in it, and one who is gets blown up. Serves him right. Anyway, sorry there was no film review over the weekend, but I hurt my wrist when I threw myself in front of that bus and had to go to A&E.

No comments:

Post a Comment