Not just a film reviewer.
I brought this digital camera called an KNR-220 from Tesco's and it's rubbish. Just as any ethical reviewer would do, I've decided to review this piece of junk so that other people won't make the same mistake I did and buy it. Reviewing electronics is practically the same as reviewing a film except you need to buy batteries for the gadget, which is already a mark against it. With films you just go and watch them, you don't need to provide a power source for them as well. Electronic manufacturers take note.
Now as I've already told you this sodding camera is crap. Every time I take a picture it makes this 'kerrr-chuck' noise, like it's an automatic SLR camera. Why does it do that? I know it's not an automatic SLR, so if the intention was to fool me into thinking I'd purchased something I hadn't then it's failed miserably. Now normally I couldn't care less, but the noise can't be turned off, so it always makes that annoying 'kerr-chuck' sound when I take a picture. That's fine when I'm zooming in to take a picture of somebody at a distance, but can be an unwarranted attention grabber up close.
Say (for example) you were a secret agent and you needed to buy a camera to take pictures of villains and their henchmen, you'd be in Tesco's looking for the cheapest camera whilst a couple of security guards followed you to make sure you didn't remove your trousers. So far so normal, however none of the cameras mention on the box that they make a noise. NONE OF THEM. So when logically choose the cheapest one you'll have no idea that it does that.
Now let's pretend that this secret agent then goes straight over to Dorothy Perkins because a villain (we'll call him Dr X) has set up a base in the changing rooms and is very close to finalising his plans to blow up the International Space Station. Like any good secret agent you put the camera under the curtain of the changing rooms and take a few shots, hoping to catch Dr X off-guard as he briefs his henchmen. However the camera goes 'kerr-chuck' and Dr X starts screaming and going “Oh my god! Oh my god! Help! HELP!”, and some shop assistants turn up and try to calm her down whilst calling the police, saying you can't leave.
Well done camera. You've just blown the secret agents' cover and probably doomed all of those aboard the ISS to certain death because you couldn't take a picture without making a noise. That's probably why I've NEVER seen a Bond film (or any of the Bourne films) where a secret agent buys a camera in Tesco's. Co-incidence? Now I think about it I don't think it is. Clearly MI5, CIA and U.N.C.L.E. Know that they would quickly have their cover blown using any of the shoddy cameras that Tesco sells.
Worst of all I can't take it back because the police confiscated it.
So if you're a big electronics company who need some of your latest gadgets reviewing and are looking for a blog that can do that then look no further. As well as a new digital camera I'm also on the market for a new DVD player and some night vision goggles.