Wednesday, 27 January 2010

Too Hot for IMDB

Sometimes something comes along that's so new, so cutting edge and great that people fear it. It happened with the steam train, with the car and with the atomic bomb, but these days we recognise how cool those things are. But this can also happen with film reviews.

Years ago I wrote some film reviews so good that they just blew peoples minds over at IMDB, and so they got removed from the website. One was about transsexuals which I can't find, but others I'll share with you here. The first of these reviews that I'm sure future film reviewers will look back on in reverence was for the fourth Jaws movie...

Neonsamurai's 'Jaws: The Revenge' review:

Like the God Father: Part III, Jaws 4 is a culmination of all the other films, ending with a confrontation between a giant roaring shark and a woman who has been pushed too far.

Firstly, how many giant sharks are there in the ocean? Not many, and my guess is that they're all from the same family. So in the first Jaws film that was the daddy shark, in Jaws 2 it was the mummy shark and in Jaws 3D it was the eldest brother. Imagine being a sweet, innocent shark watching your entire family being blown up or electrocuted. Much in the same way that Mel Gibson flipped in the historically accurate movie 'The Patriot', this peace-loving shark was pushed too far and went out for revenge. Hence the name of the film 'Jaws: the Revenge'.

If I was a shark and I wanted revenge I'd start off by killing the guy responsible for blowing up dad and frying mum with a poorly insulated electric cable. But I wouldn't want the others to know that I was coming for them, so I'd scare him so much that he had a heart attack and died. Pretty cunning eh? That would just be the beginning of my sub aquatic killing spree as I'd then kill one of his sons. I'd choose the one stupid enough to have survived 3 gigantic shark attacks and then got a job as a policeman on a boat. If I survived being attacked by 3 massive sheep I wouldn't get a job on a sheep farm. I'd take it as a sign from god that huge sheep don't like me and avoid them. But not this mentally challenged buffoon. Actually I'm glad he died. HA! Get out of the gene pool you moron!

Anyway the widow Brody, works out that these seemingly unrelated deaths are being caused by a giant man eating shark who wants revenge, and tries to convince her other bearded son to give up his job as a marine biologist. What is it with this family? Take the hint; the oceans don't like you.

`Duuuuh. I nearly got eat eat by giant bitey fish. Me wanna work where giant bitey fish can eat me. Duuuuh. I messed my pants.'

If you owned a marine biological company, would you employ this guy? Everywhere he goes a 13 metre long killing machine turns up and eats people. He's a freaking leviathan magnet! But dumb dumb thinks that he's safe living on a boat in the Bahamas, rather than working as an attorney in Denver. Oh you poor feeble-minded fool, of course the shark's gonna find you! Young missy Jaws uses special shark tracking skills to find the bearded wonder and begins planning her coupe de grace on the Brody boys. But unfortunately Mrs Brody and Michael Caine turn up and all manner of things happen.

However the big finale left me tearful. Ellen Brody charges down the giant shark in a boat and rams it, just as the shark roars and leaps out of the water. Many people here have mocked this ending as being poor and unbelievable, but they are wrong and have missed the point. You see young missy Jaws had the chance to kill Mario Van Peebles, but let him go, realising that violence isn't the answer. She was clever enough to track down all of the male Brody's and kill them, so she'd probably read about the life of Gandhi and realised that his form of non-violent protest would get better results than by sub aquatic execution. As the boat raced towards her she leapt out of the water and cried `No! No more Mrs Brody! I will spare you and your last remaining bearded spazmo of a son if we can all learn to live together as friends!' But of course she used the shark language that sounds to the uneducated like a guttural roar.

Proving that being educationally sub-normal is hereditary Ellen Brody misinterprets this as aggression and needlessly skewers the shark with the pointy end of the boat. All of the feelings that the shark was having about the death of her family, the futility of existence and other things about cod are all released in a massive explosion of emotion, as the shark's head blows up. This was a far more emotional ending that the one in Free Willy, as in this film the big fish sacrificed itself, rather than using a dumb boy to escape from captivity and then manage to get itself captured again in the second film. Oh yeah, thanks for that Willy. Thanks for wasting precious hours of our lives, only to have you throw it all back in our faces by being captured, AGAIN.

Oh man, I'm getting angry now thinking about that stupid killer whale. If he turned up and started squeaking at me in an aquarium, and expecting me to feed him dead fish, he'd get a surprise when I fed him DYNAMITE! That's right I'd feed him explosives! BOOOM! Take that you ungrateful orca! Hah. Hah. Hah! Or rather than jumping out of an aquarium into the ocean and freedom, I'd make him jump into a deep fat fryer! That's why I'm the top of the food chain Willy, and you have you rely on children with appalling haircuts to save you. I can out-think you at every turn, you carnivorous under-water cow! I am your nemesis! Hear that Derek Palmers? Call me a retard will you? We'll see how retarded I am when killer whales flee from my fearsome gaze! So where's your RSPCA now, with its `Don't feed koala's class A drugs' eh? I'm feeding dynamite to killer whales and then serving them with chips! And I don't see you prosecuting WHALES for not wearing trousers!

Anyway, I give Jaws: The Revenge an embiggened score (as it is an embiggened creature) of 6 Gi-ants, which means it's good, but was penalised for not having Dean Cain in it. I expect the word Gi-ant to be appearing in the 2004 edition of the Oxford English dictionary as I invented it and they owe me a favour.

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