IMDB Can't Handle the Truth

"I want the truth!"

"You can't handle the truth!"

If Nicholson had said that to me I'd have looked annoyed and said in a slow deliberate manner "I blinkin' well CAN handle the truth."

That would have shut him up.

Regardless of this I have another review (or maybe that should be 'review' IMDB) that those stuffy bigwigs at another less popular movie review site simply couldn't handle. Oh, but what's this? Turns out that comedienne, mathematical genius and spelling expert Jennifer Dziura knows better. Apparently my review for popular music and dance film 'Fame' is in fact a review and not a 'gross infraction of site policy'. Who are you going to believe, some guys sat around a big table in some huge skyscraper, using $100 bills to light their Cuban cigars as they try to crush the dreams of people who want to give opinions on films, or a woman once voted Miss New York Traditional Foods? Obviously it's the later and you can check out Jennifer's (or Jen as I like to call her) blog here.

Oh what's that IMDB? Still don't believe me? Well let's see what we have here. Oops. Looks like some huge multinational internet review site has been brought to its knees by a maverick film-reviewer and some woman who asked me not to email her anymore. So here's my 'review' in all it's glory:


Neonsamurai's 'Fame' review:

Nobody ever takes responsibility for his or her own actions these days:

A kid jumps out of a window dressed as a superhero and breaks his leg; Blame the film ‘Superman'.

An 8-year-old girl steals a Ferrari and crashes it into Toys ‘R Us; Blame ‘The fast and the Furious'.

A toddler tries to shoot the pope with a customised Walther WA 2000, loaded with mercury tipped bullets; Blame ‘Mrs Doubtfire'.

Yet when I get reported to the police for borrowing ladies clothing from a washing line, arresting officers actually laughed (that's right, laughed!) when I tried to blame ‘Fame', or more specifically ‘The Kids from Fame'. That's right, Thames Valley Police refused to allow ME the right to pass the responsibilities for MY actions onto the movie ‘Fame'.

This fat, ugly copper looks at me and says; `Errrr… I'm pretty sure ‘The Kids from Fame' didn't dress up in old ladies bloomers sir. And why have you got a bra on your head?' It's like living in a Nazi police state! One false accusation after another!

I give the film ‘Fame' a rating of 2 out of 10 when used as an alibi.

Win a Date with Neonsamurai

Guess how many Valentines cards I got? Go on guess.

ZERO

You read that right I got no Valentines this year. To be honest that's the norm, but I know what you're thinking “Neonsamurai, you've got you own blog and write some really intelligent film reviews, women must be constantly chasing after you.” Well that's what I would have thought too, but it's literally the opposite situation, which was why I got a police caution last week.

I'm actually getting pretty sick of all the effort I put into meeting women; watching them, approaching them, following them, photographing them, following them a bit faster as they begin to run, etc. I probably put in a good 20-30 hours a week in my pursuit of women, more than I've seen any man in a movie do. Normally they literally bump into women on the street and five minutes later they're in a cooky relationship that ends with him rushing in to stop her marrying her rich but mean boyfriend. I've tried bumping into women. In Aylesbury I spent a whole hour bumping into women in Hale Leys until security guards escorted me out and I even ran into a random wedding shouting “I LOVE YOU”. But then I saw the bride looked a bit like a frog, so I legged it.

Well I've had enough of this so I've decided to turn the tables, a bit like Mel Gibson did in 'Ransom'. No I'm not offering money if you bring me women (although I've not entirely ruled that out), but I'm starting up a competition for women to enter in order to sleep with me! I got the idea from that film review competition I'm going to win. Here's the details:

WIN A DATE WITH NEONSAMURAI

Are you a hot, sexy lady (aged 18 – 35) who maybe used to be a model, a dancer or a famous actress*? If so you could win a date with Littlehampton's premier film reviewer Neonsamurai, and then maybe have sex with him. To win this coveted prize simply answer the following questions:


1) You are at a local Harvester restaurant when your dates' trousers fall off. Do you:

a) Ignore it. This probably happens to lots of men.
b) Politely point out his trousers have fallen off, which doesn't spoil the meal at all.
c) Storm out.
d) Shriek hysterically because clearly it's the worst thing in the world and you're mental.
e) Call the police who use a taser on the man as he tries to climb out of the toilet window, causing him to get stuck and then they have to call the fire brigade.

2) After the date you notice that the man you were with has somehow broken into your flat and is in your bedroom. Do you:

a) Become intrigued by this mysterious intruder.
b) Say that you had a lovely dinner and maybe he should give you a call tomorrow to arrange another date.
c) Demand to know what he is doing wearing your underwear and insist he leaves.
d) Go mental, because you've obviously NEVER had a strange man in your bedroom before.
e) Knee the man in the groin then call the police. Then call an ambulance when he tries to escape and falls into the greenhouse of the man downstairs who used to be in the Royal Marine Commandos and has a very short temper.

3) A few days later you are at a bus stop when you hear someone close behind you whisper “Hello my darling” in your ear. Do you:

a) Immediately turn around and hug the handsome, mysterious man you went on a date with.
b) Maybe take a few steps away and make an excuse about why you haven't called.
c) Continue running because he's caught up with you.
d) Start shouting for help, because a man is near you. Is that against the law? No it's not you retard. You're the one who needs help.
e) Use that (illegal) mace spray that your dad gave you on the man and as he's covering his eyes knee him in his already sore crotch and tell him if you ever see him again you'll tell former Sergeant Sykes where he lives.

In the case of a tie breaker please complete (in no more than fifty words) the following sentence: “I would really enjoy a date with Neonsamurai because...” Bonus points will be awarded for using the words sex, underwear and 'will not call the police'.

Please post your answers in the comments box below and if I'm interested I'll ask you to send me a picture, because I'm not dating munters.



Terms and conditions: Entrants must be not be old and gross or mental in anyway. They must not complain about the choice of food at the Little Chef or order anything too expensive as I'm on the dole at the moment. I also reserve the right to take out a few girls on dates if they're really attractive.

*Not Nicole Kidman.

Still too Hot for IMDB

What's that IMDB? You can't take the heat? Well get out of my kitchen! Unbelievably I had this review removed from IMDB, probably after the film industry pressured them. To be honest I had a feeling my victimisation went all the way to the top. But it's back here on my new blog wher I'm not afraid to hit you with the real facts about movies.

NeonSamurai's 'Silence of the Lambs' Review:

As I type this I am seething, that's right SEETHING with anger over this debacle of a movie. Who are these movie execs who decide that names of films and market them accordingly? Well I wish I knew because right now I feel a severe BUTT KICKING coming on!

‘Silence of the Lambs.' SILENCE OF THE FREAKING LAMBS?!?!?! There where no lambs in it and the film had sound! I told this girl I met on the Internet that I was cultured and liked loads of films, particularly the classics. She told me she liked the old black and white silent films. Looking in the paper I found that my local cinema was doing a special showing of a film called ‘Silence of the Lambs' so I naturally thought this'd be right up her street and arranged a date with her, saying that I knew a cinema showing some old classics. We agreed to meet there and I even had a bath.

Well she turns up at the cinema and starts screaming. So do some other women as well. APPARENTLY ‘Silence of the Lambs' is a horror film and really scary. It must have been REALLY scary because the film hadn't even started; yet she was screaming and acting all hysterical. In fact we where still in the foyer! So there I was trying to calm her down when the manager of the cinema started shouting something like `Oh god! He's back again!' and suddenly the Police canine response unit shows up, and I had to lock myself in a toilet cubicle.

Needless to say my evening was ruined (although the girl from the Internet was ugly and had one eye bigger than the other, so maybe I had a lucky escape) and I had to jump out of the toilet window to avoid arrest.

So why the hell would someone make a film so scary that before women have even seen it they start screaming, yet give it a name involving lambs? What's next? ‘Fluffy Bunny Josie', a film that turns out to be about a flesh eating virus, or ‘Cuddly Bear and the Munchkins' that's about something so hideous I can't even imagine it? I could have had sex with a real person if this film hadn't been so badly marketed!

And whilst were on the subject of marketing how come the poster for it said things like `…True horror…': Empire Magazine, `…Chilling…' Time Out and `A master of terror': New York Times. Why don't they put things I say about the films on the posters? `The Director of this film is stalking me': Neonsamurai, `Where's my love and respect?': Neonsamurai and `Derek Palmers is a spazmo!': Neonsamurai.

I'll tell you why they wouldn't do that, because they can't handle my no-nonsense film review skills. I don't go on about juxtapositions or metaphors, I just cut to the chase with phrases like `Ang Lee is a retard' or `Rosie O'Donnell has a deformed head'. And guess what? I didn't even go to university. Well, I did go to university for a while until I was reported to campus security for scaring some of the female students. What's so scary about a naked man? I see myself naked in the mirror most mornings, but I don't call the police. I guess that's because I'm not ‘educated' like those girls in Cambridge, or a cinema manager.

I'm sure that movie studios would like me to sum up this film in a word so that they can put on the poster in order to fool people into thinking it was a good film, but I'm not going to. I don't want Sony or Tri Star or whoever made this god-awful excuse for a piece of classic cinema (it's not even in black and white!) an option to mislead the public any further. Instead I'm going to give you a list of some of the most outrageous, trumped up charges that Thames Valley Police have brought against me in recent weeks. Let's see them put these on a movie poster!!

- Failure to wear trousers in the presence of the mayor

- Throwing a marsupial at a nightclub security guard

- Attempting to fake own death for benefit fraud

- Ram raiding the Aylesbury RSPCA offices in a milk float

So it continues

Well it's day two of my blog and it's still going strong. I've decided that I'm going to post a film review everyday without fail, so logically by this time next year I should have 365 movies reviewed. I'm not sure how many film reviews there are on IMDB, but there can't be much more than that, so people will soon be flocking here to work out which movies they need to watch. Incidentally, you can read some of my previous film reviews on IMDB here.

NeonSamurai's 'District 9' Review:

If aliens had control of a giant spaceship why come to earth? That's what you're thinking isn't it? Congratulations, YOU'RE A RACIST. At least that's what the lady at the job centre said to me when I asked why Danny Boyle decided to make a film about the Indian version of 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' rather than the British one. Her name's Hermione Crawford and she keeps asking me which jobs I've applied for. Every week I tell her that I'm trying to either review films, make films or (if all else fails) destroy films, and seeing as certain film magazines have stopped responding to my letters there's not a lot I can do. She also claims that you can't can't have a career that involves 'destroying films'. Oh really Hermione? Well I guess we'll have to disagree about that.

That's not all we disagree on though. Pretty much everything I do is in some way 'wrong' or 'abhorrent' according to Hermione, who has her hair in dreadlocks even though she's clearly too old to be in a band or too white to have come from Jamaica. Like when I point out flaws in films, such as Thelma and Louise. She went berserk and started ranting about the patriarchy, even though that's got nothing to do with the film. When I said I'd been to seen 'District 9' she rolled her eyes and asked if I understood the films message. Duh? I'm not a retard Hermione.

Basically it's about people persecuting people because they're different. She sort of relaxed when I told her that and snorted and said “yeah. Good.” I then explained that the hero is different and nobody likes him 'cos he's sort of weedy and has funny facial hair. His father in law doesn't like him, nor the soldiers and certainly not the horrid aliens who live in a filthy slum. That was it. She went mental. She forgot about asking me about which employers hadn't written back to me and started calling me a bigot, which, when you think about it sort of makes her a bigger bigot.

You see 'District 9' is about a man who ends up not only against society but also aliens as well. Something I can really identify with, since I was so persecuted by my home town Aylesbury I had to leave. Well actually it was Thames Valley Police who said I had to leave, as I was being put on a witness protection scheme. I don't recall ever witnessing a crime, or even giving evidence about one, but I agreed because the local superintendent came around my mum's house and practically begged me to go on it. “Please,” he said “please just leave Aylesbury. I'll do anything. I'll give you money. Here, here's forty two quid.” He seemed quite adamant that I should go and when I agreed he started crying and said “promise you won't come back.” Just to keep him happy I did, but I'm not sure if that verbal contract still stands as a couple of weeks later he got fired for wasting police resources. But at least the guy who's there at the moment seems more competent. He's been congratulated since the number of indecent exposures and koala attacks have dropped to virtually nil.

Although in Littlehampton they've actually gone up. This is worrying for me as I'm now a Littlehampton resident, although I've got a different name due to being on a witness protection scheme. They wouldn't let me choose my own even though I drew up a list of about thirty really good ones, one of which was Jesse McSchwang.

So I'd give 'District 9' a pretty high mark of 16. It's a human interest story about a man fighting aliens and evil soldiers who frankly deserve to get shot.